Thursday, November 07, 2013

33 Reasons Moms are Late

Truth: I am seldom late.

With each family addition (first a puppy, then each child ...) I have struggled to find a new way to be on time, but 99% of the time, ask anyone who knows me, I am on time.

But it is HARD.

Yesterday was Awanas. Start time 6pm. Prior to Awanas I wanted to stop at the bank to pay my rent, hit the post office, and go to the Commissary before meeting 3 women at 5:45pm in front of the Chapel to exchange some yard sale items I had sold online.

Getting four children ready to get out the door at precisely 4:15pm so I can pull off the above feat, is no easy feat in and of itself. I start early. Diaper bag is packed way ahead of time. Snacks have been in the bag for an hour. I have attempted to time Hannah's last feed, but like often is the case, she'll be hungry until errands are done. There might be great gnashing of teeth as we drive in.

The boys can get lots of things done themselves. They'll pick out their own pants and shirts and shoes and socks and attempt to put them all on. But I'm still helping to turn socks right side in and buttoning jeans and putting in piggy tails and wiping bottoms and changing diapers and separating wrestling matches and covering furniture so dog won't get on it and putting away food on counters do dog won't eat it and pulling down shutters to secure the house and trying to get myself dressed and that sort of thing every second of the thirty minutes prior to leaving.

So when I climb into the van with all four children and discover the battery is dead, many not-good words start zipping through my mind.

Seriously!? Really?! (Those weren't the ones that went through my mind but those are the ones I should write on my blog.)

I run inside and call my friend Rebekah who lives around the corner. Thank goodness my mother-in-law was there. This allowed me to leave kids at home and run over and pick up Rebekah's van. Ten minutes later I have her van pulled up next to my van. My mother-in-law has come downstairs to help me jump a vehicle.

Have I done this before?

Technically, yes. JB has taught me. He's made me practice it. But this time I have to do it for real with no JB there.

I read instructions on the jumper cables. I use my mother-in-law for emotional support.

And a few minutes later, my van's engine is revving! I did it!

Unfortunately, we are now 20 minutes late. I get to the bank. It is closed. I get to the post office. It is closed.

But we are on time to meet JB at the Commissary. We are on time to meet yard sale ladies (one of whom didn't show for the second time.) We are on time for Awanas. 

I read the article below, laughing out loud. While I am not someone who usually runs late, I could relate to this article so much. All the things that go wrong just as you are trying to get out the door to get somewhere. Add a child? Add the chances of one of these things happening!
I was never an incredibly punctual person, but but becoming a parent has put a whole new spin on my excuses for being late to meetings, school, parties and appointments. Back in the day, I was late because of the normal stuff, you know, my hair didn’t look just right, my alarm clock didn’t go off, there was traffic on 95… Now, between me barely keeping my head on straight and my kids being out of their minds, my excuses look more like this:
Sorry I’m late but …
1. My daughter’s socks hurt, or as she likes to put it, her socks “hate her.”
2. Both my children had to poop as soon as we left the driveway.
3. I couldn’t find my keys … they were in my pocket.
4. My kids were fighting over who got to sit in which seat.
5. My son decided to wrestle with the dog rather than simply walk out the door, so we had to clean the fur off of his clothes, but I couldn’t find the lint roller, so I had to fashion one from masking tape and MacGyver it off.
6. All of a sudden, none of their shoes seemed to have a mate. NONE.
7. It seemed like a good time for one of them to ask where babies come from.
8. There was a wardrobe malfunction that led to wet underwear and a much-needed, last-minute bath.
9. My son skinned his knee on the way to the car.
10. My kids got suddenly parched, which led to drinks, which led to snacks. So, we’re here to meet you for lunch, but frankly, no one is hungry.
11. No one heard me say “it’s time to go,” even though I said it 20 times … at various volumes.
12. My daughter decided this would be a good time to have a meltdown over something that happened hours ago. Did I say hours? I meant days.
13. My kids were fighting over who the dog loves more.
14. It seemed like a good time for one of them to ask about puberty.
15. I couldn’t find my phone… it was in my hand.
16. My son got a fever on the way to the car.
17. My dog, who had just gone out, decided to pee on the floor.
18. My son found the dog pee… with his foot.
19. My kids were fighting over what radio station I would get stuck listening to.
20. My son remembered that he forgot to do his homework.
21. It seemed like a good time for one of them to ask me about homosexuality.
22. My daughter changed 13 times until she felt she found an outfit that said, “I’m fashionable, but not so chic that I can’t meet someone for fro yo.”
23. My kids bumped heads getting into the car.
24. My son’s elbow hurt.
25. My kids were fighting over whose tongue is longer.
26. My daughter decided that an old cut needed to be re-cleaned and re-bandaged. We couldn’t find the cut, as it had basically healed, so we cleaned and bandaged where we thought it once was.
27. I couldn’t find my glasses… they were on my head.
28. My daughter wanted to draw this picture for you. You better love it!
29. A stuffed animal that hasn’t been played with in months was noticed to be missing as we exited the house. Lost signs needed to be made, the milk carton people needed to be alerted and we ransacked our home to find it.
30. My son fell out of the car while getting into the car.
31. I couldn’t find one of my kids, he/she was waiting in the car.
32. My daughter realized she forgot to put on underwear and she was in a skirt.
33. My daughter’s fingernail was itchy.

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