Hardest mommy-day yet

Today.

It offered so much hope. So much promise.

It had so much potential.

Two boys waking up at 8am. Can it get much better than that? Unfortunately, no. That was the highlight. The rest of the day went slowly, slowly, faster, way too fast ... down hill.

It started with the fact that Isaac was sick. I knew he was sick. He was running a fever yesterday and we missed MOPs. But this morning he woke up even sicker.

Elijah woke up pretty miserable too. I felt him. He didn't feel too warm so I didn't bother taking his temperature. Later I would discover he was running a fever, and of course I felt incredibly guilty for treating Isaac's fever with medicine all day and not Elijah's.

I won't get into every little thing that transpired to work against me as a mom today. I will however give you a few glimpses.

We go outside at 10:00 to play in the front yard. When we went out at 10:00, I had a plan. Stay outside until Pat, our bug man, came to spray the house around 11:15. He doesn't like the kids and pets inside when we spray, so this would be perfect.

But did I remember that? Noooo. At 11:00, thinking we should get lunch ready, I tell the boys it is time to come inside. Isaac loses it. I mean sobbing hysterics. He often gets upset coming inside, but not this much.

I have a rule. If one of the boys needs something, I'll help, but if they are just throwing a fit, they have to throw it in their room. So off to his room Isaac goes to throw his fit in private.

He just gets settled down and the doorbell rings. Pat! Crikey! I forgot!

Pat and I talk a bit, and then he says it would be best if went outside while he sprays. Only now Isaac is excited by Pat and his bug can and wants to stay inside. He loses it as I corral everyone back into the yard to wait for Pat to do his thing.

Okay. Pat leaves. We eat a very tear-filled lunch, and I put both boys down for naps by 12:00.

I hop on my borrowed stationary bike for a forty-five minute ride. I do pretty well. It isn't as hard as the spin class, but I was just trying to get used to the bike and its features and what I need to do to use it.

At the end of 45 minutes Isaac is still awake. I walk into his room to find every single stuffed animal he has in the middle of his room and his little body stuffed into the corner of his crib.

"All done Mommy," he says. "I waked up Mommy."

"No," I say and scoop him into my arms. "You never went to sleep."

Same difference. In his mind at least.

He puts his head on my shoulder. I smell his hair and remember that he needs a bath. As much as I don't want him to be sick, I do love when Isaac is snuggly like this -- usually only when he isn't feeling well.

Isaac and I spent the next hour chilling. It was pretty peaceful. We played cars and did puzzles and read books. It was a nice hour. Around 2pm I decided to put him back down. He fought it with lots of tears but ultimately succumbed to sleep. Right about the moment that Elijah woke up.

Elijah woke up cranky and just thirty minutes later, Isaac joined him.

All right. The stage is set for disaster. And here it comes.

I decide to cook some dinner. Not sure what I was thinking. Why I didn't try to cook it earlier, I have no idea. I am not in the habit of making dinner so I often don't think of it until it is way too late. So it's 3pm, and I decide to get started.

I google "cutting butternut squash into squares" since I have no earthly idea how to cut up a squash. I meant to ask JB but he's been so busy. Working non-stop. He's definitely going to break 90 hours this week again. So instead, I get some good directions online and set to work peeling the skin of the squash.

Scrubs is outside. Isaac is watching a video (something I let him do more when he is sick so he will rest) and Elijah is standing next to me in the kitchen, as he often is. Suddenly I turn and see the dish rack with a towel underneath it slowly inching its way off the counter.

I yell Elijah's name as I realize he is pulling the towel that is underneath it.

He jumps. It stops the whole rack from falling but not the glass that is sitting on the edge. It tumbles over, hits Elijah in the face, and breaks into a million pieces all over his bare feet.

I scoop him up, glad I have socks on, and quickly get him out of the kitchen as I swipe shards of glass off his little chubby piggies. I shut the gate, take a quick once-over at my screaming Elijah to determine he is not injured, only scared, and return to try and clean up the mess.

About this time, Isaac comes running over with a book in hand. "Read Thomas Mommy," he says.

Needless to say I told him the read would have to be postponed. He didn't respond positively to that idea.

While finding some shoes to put on, I hear Scrubs outside, barking at one of the neighbors. I bang on the glass of the window. I don't let him stay outside when he is barking. But I really don't need extra chaos inside at the moment.

Elijah is crying, his little face pushed up against the gate. Isaac is now crying as well, holding his book over the gate, asking me to "Peeese read Thomas."

I feel like crying but no time for that now.

As I finish scooping the glass into the dustpan, I look over to see that Elijah has blood streaming down his face. He has a bloody nose. I am not sure from what. The glass hitting him on the nose on its way to a million pieces? I now feel like a terrible mother. He's screaming because he is hurt, and I have him stuck on the outside of the gate by himself.

I throw the glass in the trash and move back into the dining room -- the other side of the gate. Elijah is sobbing and begins throwing a tantrum when I try to clean up the blood on his nose. Isaac is climbing on my back asking me again and again to read Thomas. Scrubs is now at the glass, scratching his nails on the window to come inside.

My dinner is halfway done on the stove. And I still need to run the vacuum to get the glass off the floor.

. . . I'll stop there.

Thirty minutes later, I had everyone calmed down and dinner in the oven warming and Scrubs inside and Elijah's nose cleaned up and had even read a book to Isaac. As we headed outside to give Mommy some time to "blow some spouts of air up at her bangs" while the kiddos played as if the world hadn't nearly fallen apart just a few minutes earlier.

I also decided to take my video camera. You see, I remember about seven years, six years, even two years ago ... well I remember begging for just this. I remember begging for tears and hugs and cries and ... well, children. I remember thinking that my house was too quiet. I remember walking into the room we thought would be a nursery and missing the toys scattered across the floor.

It was a hard day. I wish it would have been easier. I wish both my boys felt better. But just the same, I know these moments will be fleeting. I know they will go by before I even know what has occurred. And I know that they are moments I pleaded on my knees for.

So I decided to shoot a video to remember today. Remember my hardest day so far as a mommy. And to remember that I managed, despite the chaos to stay true to my mantra: consistent and calm. Somehow.

Here's the video. Hopefully you can feel a bit of my day in just these few moments.

As hard as today was, and it was hard, I am thankful that I got to experience today. I really am.