Blog question: Life without kids

I am a married woman without any children. My childlessness isn't due to infertility but I still have questions for you. Many of my friends have children and it seems each day more and more of them are getting pregnant. How did you continue to relate to your close friends when you didn't have them? How did you deal with things like social outings with friends bringing children and you not having any? It seems that child rearing has begun to dominate conversation and I all of a sudden find myself on the outside.

This is a fantastic question and one that doesn't have a clear cut answer. What this gal is painting is life without children. If you are living it out of choice, it is different than living it with infertility, emotionally, but the other issues that accompany this lifestyle are not that different. You find yourself isolated. Alone. With nothing in common. Church is focused on the children. Where do you fit in?

John and I lived a childless life by choice for five years. Then we lived a childless life not by choice for five years. The first five were not that difficult for me because we were young. When you are young or newly married, people don't expect you have to children. But as you age, and your friends age, you suddenly feel that you are alone in your place in life. Think about it. How many activities at church are available for 30-something couples without children? Not many, if any.

I have many friends who are childless. Most are not due to choice, but a few are. I wanted to offer some suggestions to both the childless and the friends of the childless. And then I hope my readers might join in with some suggestions of your own. Obviously, these choices may be effected by how you are handling your childlessness. If it is not by choice, some of these suggestions may be too painful. Keep that in mind.

My overall suggestion is that if these are good friends, be honest. Be open. Communicate. This is the best way to foster a relationship as it changes.

To the childless couple:

• Attempt to find a few couples that do not have children like yourself. This will at least provide you with a breath of fresh air -- an evening to not feel isolated. You may be just what a couple dealing with infertility need.
• I found that there were couples with children that I could associate with regularly. Our friends Ron & Ebby were fantastic! They had four children but would often get a sitter or put a movie on for the kids so we could have adult time. Try to foster relationships with couples who do have children that fit with you well.
• If you have close friends that do have children, attempt to really involve yourself in the lives of those children, if you are willing and it is not too painful. Being a "very cool auntie" can help unite you and your friend despite the different direction your life is taking.
• If you have a close friend, be honest with them. Tell them that you would love some "adult time" if it is ever possible. You could even offer to provide a sitter or help pay for a sitter so that you could all go out and do something grown-up.
• Provide a toy basket at your house so that when children do come to visit, you can still have grown-up time. I have recently found that legos or puzzles are great things you can sit on the floor and do with the kids while still having some quality conversation.
• Offer to come to the "kid house" after the kids go to bed. The kids are down and good times can be had!
• Seek out things that you have in common that do not involve children. If the other couple is trying to avoid their children dominating the conversation, give them some things to help guide the conversation.

To the friends of the childless couple:

• You will have lots of friends that do have children and want to talk about their children all the time. Ask the childless couple how much they want to talk about children. They may be very interested and love the conversation. But if not, do your best to save the child-poopy stories for friends who want to hear them and strive to find other things you have in common.
• When possible, try to find a sitter for lunch dates out. I would have a lunch date at my house during nap time so I could focus on my friend.
• Seek an honest relationship. Ask your friend how much they want to know/be involved with your child. Joan told me that when I was a baby, despite her childlessness, she loved being around me and involved with my life. Every woman/couple is different so open the lines of communication and find out what your friend needs.
• Really attempt to pay attention to your friend despite your child being there. Maybe put a video on while you are talking or sit on the floor and play legos while you talk so that you can still have a conversation despite the children. Our friends Ron & Ebby would have family time and then tell the kids it was "grown-up" time. I often told Ebby she didn't have to do this, but she reminded me it was for them as much as it was for us. Everyone needs child free time. Even the parents!
• Go out of your way to think of activities that might be grown-up only.

So those are my tips. Readers? Those with children? Those without? How can we make sure that we foster our friendships despite the different track our lives are taking?

And thanks for the question! I love them! Keep 'em coming.