Spout of Air

I love it in books when a character gets overwhelmed and they blow a spout of air up at their bangs. I long ago decided that if I ever wrote a book, some character, somewhere, would blow a spout of air at her bangs.

If I had bangs, today, I'd have blown a spout of air at them.

I had a moment this morning. It was a moment I can say I honestly haven't had since I came home from the hospital and my Mom and I attempted to take both boys to the park way before any of us was emotionally or physically ready to handle it.

A moment that I thought, "I'm not sure I can do this."

I'm not exactly sure what catapulted me that place. Maybe it was Elijah pulling the noisemaker down off the bookshelf while inside his pack-n-play. (I have no idea how he reached it by the way.) It may have been the meltdown that Isaac had right when Elijah was climbing into Scrubs' kennel. Scrubs. Him getting into his food container. Not sure how many days worth of kibble that dog could eat in thirty minutes, but something tells me, quite a few. (Dals are known for their gluttony by the way.) It probably also didn't help that I have been really fighting hormonal headaches and was up a good portion of the night with head pain. And I'm still not over this cold. Fatigue. Tears. Gorging dogs. No exercise because of the rain.

You get the picture.

I was trying to get out the door for a counseling appointment. I was bringing the boys to Andrea's house. I was trying to get all their stuff packed. Where are Eiljah's shoes?! Worse, the house was a wreck. When I feel like I'm digging out just to get to a starting place, it feels all the more harried to me. When will I remember that I need to get things in order before I go to bed the night before so that the morning goes smoother?

It's just that once 8pm rolls around and the boys are both down, all I want to do is sit next to JB on the couch and snuggle or watch a movie or read a book or do, well, nothing. And then, if it is anything like last night, we were asleep by 9pm. Konked out. That doesn't leave much prep-for-tomorrow time.

So anyways. My moment. It was a moment when I wondered if God knew what He was doing when He gave me my Irish twins. God did you really think I'm capable of two boys and this dog? It wasn't a lack of thanks. Please don't misunderstand. I am in love with these two little guys and couldn't imagine my life without them. But was I really good enough to do this?

I stopped and looked at the boys running down the hall. They look like twins now. They really kind of are twins now. I thought of my online friend with triplets. I thought of Kate and her brood of eight. It is possible. Why am I having so much trouble with just two?

Anyways, I started to have a bit of an anxious moment, and I knelt down on the kitchen floor to pick up some stray Tupperware (which I do about seventy-three times a day. :) I saw Isaac standing there, and I asked him if he would give Mommy a hug as I was pretty sure I was on the verge of tears at any moment.

Now Isaac isn't a bit hugger. He gives hugs and kisses when he feels that he would like to but not just because you ask. But he came running into my arms, wrapped his arms around my neck and did the noise for a kiss on the side of my neck.

It was amazing. It was as if God reached down and touched me on the shoulder and said: Dear daughter. You can do this. You can't do it if you look at the big picture but take this moment. Get through this moment. I will give you the strength. And you will feel my love through these boys. I gave them to you because I knew you were the person who was supposed to be their Mom. You can do it.

And I did. I got them in the car. We got to Andrea's on time. And Andrea blessed me by telling me to "take some time for myself" after my counseling appointment. So I did. I went to Publix. By myself. It was fantastic. I had a great time.

I love Publix.

But I digress.

My moment. My moment has passed. I'm still a bit overwhelmed and sick of the rain and exhausted and wondering how I will handle post-naps, but I know I can do it. I bought Scrubs a rope at Publix. He's so under-exercised right now with this continual rain. He's in the living room right now chewing away. Both boys are sound asleep.

And I'm trusting the Lord for the grace and ability to get through each moment that comes my way. Truly, isn't it only His strength that gets us through everything we face?

So blow a spout of air at your bangs (if you have them), and remember that He is there. He'll help you. Even when you feel beyond help.