It was back in September of 2007, nearly two years ago, that I wrote a post about lullabies played in the hospital. JB had gotten wind that Eglin was thinking of implementing the "lullaby after baby is born" policy in their hospital. He was adamantly against its inclusion in his place of employment.
Back then, things were different for us. We had just faced IVF negative #4. We had gotten on China's adoption list. We had accepted the fact that biological children were probably something we would never have.
Fast forward to today. May 2009. A lot has changed. We have two boys. One from my body. One from Bri's.
And yet I am still, adamantly, against those darned lullabies.
Yesterday we went up to the hospital for Isaac to get his 12-month shots. As Daryl Hannah (... okay, so she's not really Daryl Hannah, but I think she looks like Daryl, so we call her that every time we go in ... not to her face of course ... although I don't think being called Daryl Hannah is offensive, is it?) ... Anyways ... as Daryl Hannah was putting my information in the computer, I heard it.
A lullaby.
Let me preface this post by saying that I totally respect those of you who don't agree with me. We had a great "comment discussion" about this back in September. I respect those of you who think the lullaby is a nice inclusion in a hospital.
I, however, am not one of them.
So back to my story. Daryl typing. Lullaby plays. I scrunch my nose. Daryl looks up from computer and smiles.
"What was that?" I asked even though I already knew.
"A lullaby," she said. "It means a baby has been born in the hospital."
"Are they playing those now?" I asked. "Every time a baby is born?"
"Yep. Isn't it great?"
I thought about nodding and smiling, but I just couldn't do it. I had to be honest.
"I don't really think so," I said.
Daryl looked visibly shocked.
"I don't know," I began. "I mean, it's wonderful that a baby has been born, but at the same time their room is celebrating, there are other women in the hospital who just got difficult news."
I listed all the possibilities. Finding out you had a miscarriage. Having a doctor tell you that your full-term baby has passed away (something JB had to do recently). Being told that you'll never have children. Getting a negative pregnancy test -- again. Being told your own child has passed away or has a terminal illness and might die.
"What about all those women?" I asked Daryl. "How would they feel?"
Daryl nodded and said she understood my point. "But if I couldn't have kids," she started, "I would just adopt."
I knew enough from past conversations with Daryl that this wasn't the case. She had told me tons about her own children and even made the comment that sneezing made her pregnant. And she had pictures on the wall behind her to prove how true that was.
I again contemplated keeping my mouth shut. But I went on. "He's adopted," I said, rubbing the top of Isaac's head. "I love him like crazy. And Elijah," I said, nodding my head toward the waiting room where he and JB were waiting, "Is an incredible blessing. But I spent five years trying to have kids. I can't imagine how painful it would have been for me to listen to a lullaby play 2, 3, 4 times a day."
Daryl was kind even though I could tell she thought I had jumped way overboard on the topic. I didn't care. I was hurting so badly inside. I was thinking of all my friends who are still waiting on children. I was thinking of people JB works with who come to that hospital every single day. And every single day they would be reminded that someone else just got what they dream of having. I was thinking of our friends who just moved and how glad I was that they moved before they had to hear this.
I walked out of the shot room with a screaming Isaac, and as JB scooped him into his arms he looked at me and said, "Did you hear the lullaby?"
The look on my face told him I had.
"I'm writing a letter," he said. "To someone." It wouldn't do any good I told him, but he didn't care.
We talked all the way out to the van. All the way back to our house. We both acknowledged that it wasn't just those people still waiting that we hurt for. The lullaby reminded us, somehow, of those years of pain. Those years that that song would have been a painful reminder. JB said it would have been so hard for him to hear that at work everyday, even as the guy, while I waited at home, with empty arms.
To those of you still waiting, I am sorry for any pain reminders bring you. To those of you who disagree with me, I totally respect that.
However, I just had to write this. I just had to say something about it to someone.
Thanks for listening.
26 comments:
Hey Wendi, great post... I totally agree with you!
I think you meant "May 2009", instead of 2008... =)
I have such mixed emotions about this. It almost seems that those who do have reason to celebrate have to feel guilty. I hurt for those that went thru what you did, I really do. But it's like, then we shouldn't celebrate a wedding cause someone just lost a spouse thru death or divorce or has never been married. Or graduation or whatever.....just thinking
I agree anonymous. It's just that with a wedding, you choose to GO to that wedding. This is a hospital. People are sick here ... I think that's what makes it different.
While I've endured 22 years of that pain, I in no way look at someone who has either adopted or had a biological child and grieve for MY loss. I'm more than joyful for their blessings. Does that mean that I haven't done my share of crying and giving myself a huge pity party, that would be incorrect, I have done that but in the long run where did it get me.
Chimes in the maternity ward ONLY might be just the balance that everyone seeks. I have been in hospitals that do it ONLY in the MATERNITY ward. Could there be a woman there having a "difficult" time or getting "difficult" news, yes but that shouldn't make other women who are so very fortunate to have their own child or be there to visit their adopting child feel that they should be ashamed.
I'm a baby nut and love the look of a pregnant woman, a child that "doesn't" quite look like Mommy/Daddy gives me a huge smile as I know that child is "possibly" adopted where it could have met another fate.
I think doing it on the maternity ward floor is a different story -- in our hospital, sorta pointless cuz it is sooo small, but I can see that point.
She did say May 2009
No Joia was right. I had May 2008. After she commented, I edited it. :)
As a mother to five I never got to see, ohhhhh it would have still hurt incredibly badly to hear a lullaby on the maternity floor. That is where I was taken to be told that my eldest wouldn't survive, to deliver a son at 14.5 weeks'gestation, fully formed, whose eyes never saw mine on this earth. It was bad enough to be wheeled into a room usually used for post-partum women and see the notice about breastfeeding classes on the room's bulletin board. I knew very well that there were babies on that floor. It didn't consume me, because I was focused on my own dying child. But the whole experience after he was taken from me to be prepared for burial-from the nurses trying to normalize by telling my husband where he could get Chicago-style pizza for me, the hurry to discharge me once I could get to the bathroom, the wheeling me out of a seemingly massive hospital building-couldn't they just put me in the car already, and oh, the empty arms with hands in my lap that twenty four hours previously kept reaching around my abdomen to protect my dying child. Yes, a lullaby would have been painful salt in an open wound.
No, I don't think women who have been blessed with fertility need to feel "guilty" for their blessing, any more than people who can walk or see or hear should feel guilty. But to the extent that hospitals are for the sick and hurting, any effort to minimize the true pain that a lullaby brings to some should be applauded.
Laura from HP
Thank you for posting about this Wendi. To be honest, it absolutely infuriates me that Eglin is doing this. I am sorry but I really don't see why this lullaby is needed. There are plenty of other ways to celebrate and there are plenty of ways that birth is already celebrated. John tells me that Eglin already sends goody baskets to new moms. I do like the compromise of playing it in the maternity ward only if it is really that important to people.
To anonymous @ 8:25, this is totally different from a wedding or graduation. As Wendi said, people choose to go to those events. I think if I were saying that women shouldn't have baby showers because they are hurtful to some people, that could be equated with a wedding or graduation. But I am not saying that at all. I can choose not to go to a baby shower. However, when I was at the hospital miscarrying the child we had been trying to have for 4 years, I had no choice about being at the hospital. No one is saying the birth can't or shouldn't be celebrated. All I am saying is that there are ways to celebrate that don't cause others so much pain.
Sorry for the rant.
When Elijah was born would you have even heard/noticed the lullaby playing? I know I wouldn't have! I think the music is unnecessary. Especially since the people who are celebrating the new life wouldn't notice it. Before I met you, I would have been indifferent to it. But only because I had never been exposed to infertility. I would like to hear the reason or thought process behind playing it.
I wish John luck with writing the letter!
When I first began reading I thought "mothers and families should be allowed to celebrate" but then I read on. And Wendi, with my FERTILE self I totally agree with you. The hospital doesn't have to push the celebration on others who are there. There is celebration in the room and the floor and the family. Why does the whole hospital have to be part. Seems a little forceful. Great post! :)
OH and Kristin makes an EXCELLENT point. I had children 11 months apart in FWB. I NEVER heard one lullabye in my stay there (both were c-sections) but now every time I am in a hospital...normally not a pleasant thing I hear them. I was too busy celebrating, sleeping, healing and being with my babies to notice lullabyes!
Wendi, I again thank you for your writing! As someone who has never experienced infertility or the loss of a child, I wouldn't think about how things could affect others. And it's not because I'm an unthoughtful person, I just haven't experienced it so I have no context to even think about it. So, I thank you for each of your posts that help me to attempt to respond in a gracious way to other ladies who are hurting so much! I will never again suggest "that you could always adopt" to someone struggling with infertility - as if they hadn't already thought of that or didn't know that option was available!
Oh yeah, and I've never even heard of lullabies being played at the hospital. It certainly would be the last thing that I would be thinking about right after I had a baby.
Maybe someone will listen to John's letter. No doubt the lullabies are meant to bring others joy and whoever thought it was a great idea probably didn't have any idea that it could be causing others pain. I know I wouldn't have until I read this.
Laura from HP, your comment had me in complete tears! I am indeed so sorry for your incredible loss.
Wendi,
This seems like an "excerpt from a book"..we recently had the Author of Cold Tangerines..(ever heard of it?) at our MOPS group, she is the wife of the music pastor at Willow Creek in Il...totally has amazing books,,she is a mom and writing her third! Thought of you:-)
Kathleen
Yup, as soon as I wrote about the weddings etc. I thought about choosing to go to those not having them forced on you. I honestly can see both sides. I never even thought about the fact that the new mommy probably never even noticed the lullabye....maybe it's just for the families waiting in the waiting room?
Amen Wendi!
We are lucky enough to have it played only on our closed maternity floors in the hospital, thank goodness.
They do that at some hosp's around here, but you only hear it within the mat floor. Which I think is a good compromise.
I understand the celebration, but really...do a few chimes or a lullabye really make you more happy when you have a BABY? Come on. You know?
I can't even tell you if the hosp I delivered at did it, that's how much it mattered to me.
Wendi, that post left me with tears. I totally agree with you that lullabies should not be played.
I agree with Kristin too, that there's no way I would've been aware of a lullaby playing after the boys were born (does Mayo even do that? I don't think so).
Bethany
I saw the comment that they would like to hear the reasoning behind playing the lullabies in the hospital. I thought about this and the only thing that came to me is if I were laying sick in the hospital and I heard the lullaby I might be cheered to think that somewhere in this hospital a celebration of a new life was taking place. I would think this would lift ones spirits a bit, which is helpful in a body's healing process. Could this be part of their reasoning? Wonder what else is behind it.
My first thoughts are definitely with you Wendi. Is it totally necessary with so many hurting out there? But, it would be interesting to hear what the hospital has to say about it.
Linda
After having a child and expecting another one, Wendi, I'm 100% with you. There is no need to broadcast the lullaby to everyone. I barely remember much of my entire hospital stay, let alone would I have remembered the lullaby playing.
My gut feeling is whoever made the decision to do it has never experienced IF or PL...their intentions not cruel, just thoughtless because they've never HAD to think about it.
The other day my FIL joked with a young 20-something friend of ours that had an insulin pump stuck to the belt loop on her pants. Thinking it was an i-Pod or some electronic "toy" he says, "What is that a pacemaker? Hahaha!" N and I are just dying for her! Her response, "No, it's my insulin pump." You could see he just wanted the ground to swallow him up. Not cruel...just thoughtless because he's never HAD to think of an insulin pump.
Just as one chooses whether or not to attend a wedding, you also choose which doctor provides care for your family. It's your choice to walk into that place or not. If the lullaby is really that much of an issue for you, you can choose to take your family somewhere else for care. When you walk into that hospital, you are walking into that hospital's territory and all the protocols that go along with it, whether you agree with them or not. Good luck in getting them changed, if that's what you feel God is calling you to do!
Unfortunately anonymous (last post) in our case, that is not true. We are in the military. We HAVE to go to this one hospital. No choice for us at all.
I'm in the "what's the point?" camp.
I have so many thoughts I would like to share...but I am going to try to keep this simple and just base it on my experience. I don't think hearing a lullaby would have been uplifting for me after hearing that the doctors had some concerns about my newborn son, the most concerning of all being a congenital heart defect. I also know it would not have been good to hear one when the ER doctor told my husband and I that despite their best efforts they had not been able to save our 11 week old son.
Please don't get me wrong. I truely believe people should be able to celebrate and should never feel guilty for having a healthy baby. I just don't think that hearing a lullaby would really add much to that celebration. As others have said they probably wouldn't even notice it.
Also for anonymous I would hate to think that someone based a decision on which hospital they went to on whether or not a lullaby was played. Aren't there more important factors to look at when making this decision?
Hey Wendi,
I love your blog. You have SUCH A GIFT for writing.
After reading this post, I could not agree with you more - no lullabies! Like some of the others, I don't remember if either of my hospitals (in FL or GA) played lullabies when my children were born, and I probably couldn't have cared less (mostly due to being heavily medicated ;P) How terrible for a parent struggling with infertility or suffering from the loss of a child to have to be reminded of it.
As for the Anonymous post (at 2:59pm)...it seems a rather calloused response. What if I had assumed, as most mothers who get pregnant do, that I would have a great labor and delivery and had no reason NOT to choose a hospital that celebrated each birth with a special lullaby? What if I HAD experienced the loss of my child, due to situations out of my control? Would I deserve that pain because I chose that hospital? I don't think so.
~Beth (AD's friend)
Hey Beth! I didn't know you had a blog. C'mon AD. Fill us in here! I'm with you Beth on your comments. Thanks for visiting. I hope you'll stick around.
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