Thursday, January 31, 2013

Four years old

Elijah is four years old today. And as of today:
  • everyone calls him Sidge. And if they don't, he asks them to "please call me Sidge."
  • he has been asking tons of why questions. Just now, while having an easter egg hunt in the living room I said, "You can keep looking or give up," and he said, "What does give up mean?"
  • his language has gotten pretty clear. While people struggled understanding him for a stretch a year ago, he is now pretty easy to understand.
  • he is still definitely the "little" brother. Isaac runs the show. He still lets Isaac, basically, boss him around. Not sure how long that will last.
  • is wearing mostly 5T clothes.
  • he is the biggest four year old we know. Definitely "towering" over his friends. (Don't see that changing, like, ever.)
  • he still talks about Turkey a lot but has accepted that this is his new home.
  • he can put on his shoes himself and is learning how to put his socks on by himself.
  • he can completely undress and dress himself.
  • he isn't really taking naps anymore. We still do quiet reading for an hour in the afternoon.
  • Isaac can still "take him" in a wrestling match. Sidge has no idea how strong he really is.
  • he loves TV/movies. If allowed, he could watch it all day without hesitation. We definitely have to limit him as he wouldn't do it himself. 
  • he really doesn't know a stranger. He is kind and loving to everyone.
  • he really is an easy kid -- easy to please, easy to play with, easy to love.
  • he is a bull in a china shop -- he spills things and hits his head frequently and with great fervor.
  • he gives great hugs and is full of love. 

Thank you

just isn't enough, is it? Thank you to Timmy and English and all the other families who will live apart for more months than I would ever want to count. Thinking of our friends Dan and Angelica who are still a few months away from the completion of Dan's deployment. You folks are amazing. Thanks for being Americans.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Outdoor Rec Hike

There was a free family hike offered by Outdoor Rec. We decided I should stay home with Abigail, and the boys should go with Daddy and Aunt Connie. While JB would always prefer to hike without a big group of people, even he had a good time, and it was awesome that he got to spend some time with his boys. Thank you Aunt Connie for signing us all up for this!

Hanging with the other kids.

Connie with her good friend on Base, Lindsey.

Lindsey and Sidge.

JB in a serious thought.

The beauty of where we live. 

JB and his boys.

Wee-wind Wednesday

Found this picture of my boys in Turkey. This was before Abigail joined our family. Look at those sweetie pies!

Two helps

Small things can help someone get a jump in their day. My Aunt Connie put the following two things on my Facebook wall, and they both really ministered to me.

The way I am feeling lately, it is hard to feel like the "real Wendi." It is hard to feel like a good mom, wife, daughter, friend, niece. But thinking about what I HAVE accomplished that day ... that's a positive thought.

I've really been convicted lately that it is okay to need a "sub." It is okay to surround yourself with good people and a good support system. Why do we think it is a sign of weakness to need others? 

Monday, January 28, 2013


Yes, that says 95mph! The wind today has been INCREDIBLE. In the U-S of A they would have named this storm for sure. 65-95mph gusts was the latest I heard and it is supposed to continue on through tomorrow. With water out 3 of my 4 windows, you can tell how windy it is just by watching the waves.

Birthday card

Sidge got a birthday card in the mail today. It was from Mr. Shane and Ms. Linda in Germany. The card said You're 4 on the front, and when JB read it to Sidge, he said, "I am? Now?" He's so excited for his birthday to come.

January 31 our second miracle will turn 4.

Neither Isaac nor Sidge understand why Sidge is turning 4 but Isaac is not turning 5 on the same day. If Isaac is 4 now, and Sidge is 3, then when Sidge turns 4, Isaac should turn 5.

But for a few months, they will both be 4. Just 8.5 months apart these two little miracles are.

The last two days have been a bit harder morning sickness-wise. It's so important to look at my life with perspective.

Praise the Lord for miracles within 8.5 months of each other.

What YOU have to offer

I was recently given the link to a woman's blog, and while I don't read blogs much (just don't have time), I do think this is one I am going to read regularly. I've only read a few of her posts, but mannn, are they jam-packed with stuff that is just GOOD.

I have recently been wondering what I, as a woman here on an island that is not my home, can really do. I've been feeling homesick for the life I had in Turkey, the life I had in America. Not sure where I belong here. Do I belong here?

This gal, Holley, hit home with the blog post I read today.

She writes:

She slips in quietly and sits down on the couch. Her body is curved like a question mark and I can tell something is on her mind. “I know you say relationships are important,” she says, “But what if I don’t have anything to offer others?” I nod with understanding. Don’t all women ask this at some point? We tell ourselves when I’m better, stronger, more whole then I will reach out. But we will never be complete this side of heaven. And even if you are in the darkest night of your life you still have some light to shine on those around you.She goes on to tell us that we all have at least five things to offer to other people:

She tells us that we ALL have something to offer. We all have:
  • our struggles
  • our strengths
  • our story
  • our support
  • our savior
Wow! So simple. Yet so powerful. So true.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Teach, train, and discipline

Thanks for sending this article to me Rachel. Here's a brief statement that really ministered to me.

We cannot save our children, but that doesn’t mean we are free from responsibility. God has called us to a significant task: we are to teach, train, and discipline our children so that they will obey, honor, and walk in the ways of the Lord. This is gospel work. It is hard work. And we must persevere in this work. We must be faithful, despite our failures, despite the apparent lack of fruit in our children’s lives.

And, then, when we have spent our strength doing diaper and discipline duty, we must turn and “leave all with the God of all.” For we are mothers, and only mothers. Servants who have only done our duty. We have planted. We have watered. And God—and God alone—can save. He will give the growth (1 Cor. 3:16).

Saturday, January 26, 2013


Each Thursday, our MOPS group in Lajes meets for some playtime, somewhere. This past week, we met at the Youth Center gym, A friend, Tiffany, snagged these photos.

This is Tiffany's daughter in the front. But check out the back. I love it. Isaac and Sidge are hanging with their two best friends: Max and Jackson, trying to do ring-around-the-rosie on scooter boards. 

Look at all those boys! 

Please pray

John with me and Shea (and baby Isaac when I was pregnant with Elijah) back in 2008. 

Would you join me in praying for my very good friend Shea and her family? Shea was my college teammate and is one of the most loyal and kind friends anyone can ever know. She and her husband Justin have been married nearly as long as JB and I have, and they have one son, Heath, who is about a year old.

Shea's younger brother, Christian, passed away last night. Christian had had many health problems stemming from a surgery after birth. He was in his twenties and got sick and did not make it through the illness.

Shea was very close with her brother and I know the entire Lunsford family could use your love and prayers today.

Thanks everyone.

Happy Birthday

Look who is growing up! Happy Birthday little Baylee (daughter of my brother and his wife A.D.)

Did you know ...

... that under ideal circumstances an asparagus stalk can grow ten inches a day?

Don't ask me why I am finding that so interesting, but I just read it and thought wow! (My husband will be so proud that that fascinated me.)

P.S. I don't like asparagus but JB and Connie LOVE it.

Take a hike

This morning, JB and Connie and the boys left to take a free hike with Outdoor Recreation on Base. Aunt Connie heard about it and signed us up! I was hopeful to go in John's place, but the mornings are still a bit rough for me so I opted to stay home with Abigail. I can't wait to see photos from their "hot chocolate hike." The boys were so excited!

Abigail just went down for her nap. I plan to rest here in a minute too but wanted to take the opportunity to put a brief update on the blog as to how I am doing.

Firstly, I wanted to summarize, briefly, what sort of "happened" to me during this IVF journey.

I took a drug called lupron which basically puts you into menopause. It shuts your ovaries completely down. While I have used this drug many times and definitely had emotional upheaval, this time I really got "down." It wasn't terrible but I was definitely clouded by depression and anxiety. This started around the first week of December.

However, we went home to America, and while I was definitely not  the Wendi I was used to being, I handled the trip pretty okay. I couldn't do as much as I had previously and had trouble making decisions and cried frequently, but I was okay.

On the way back to Lajes, however, I went through a bit of a tailspin. I had already lost about 10-12 pounds while in America. (My appetite had been effected by the emotions.) I was very tired, we had to do an overnight flight, I was (and didn't know it yet) pregnant, and when we got back to our house, couldn't fall asleep.

Someday, maybe I'll discuss the 10-14 days that follows, but I sort of had a bit of a "breakdown." My aunt and husband and friend Carla were there to support me through this. I just stayed home and worked on recovering. I started having morning sickness during this time and a bad sick bug went through our house. All of this at the same time just kind of broke me down.

But I did not stay down Praise the Lord.

I can now say that I have basically come out of this. Aunt Connie said to me yesterday, "You totally seem like the old Wendi today" and I feel like she is right. I am almost there.

I am still sick from this pregnancy but am not nearly as nauseated as I was for two weeks there. I am functioning well, taking care of my family, and actually "thriving." I am doing activities again and venturing back into the community.

I thank all of you who prayed for me during this time. God took good care of me and brought the people around me that I needed!

Thanking God that I am really starting to feel like myself again!

Friday, January 25, 2013

In JB's words

JB recently did a post over on his permaculture website that I thought I would link to here.  (FYI: JB's permaculture website is actually VERY big in the world of permaculture. He's becoming one of the top resources for this knowledge. Not that it's helped me learn much mind you.)

To be honest, I usually just skim JB's posts. They are about things way over my head and are not things that interest me much. But this post was interesting. It featured discussions of things going on around our house. A near fire (not my fault!) and our new delivery of firewood (pictured above.)

One thing he doesn't mention in this post but I thought I would was that Scrubs and JB caught a mouse in the house together the other day. It was quite a show. JB moved couches and refrigerators and Scrubs completed the pounce to put an end to the mouse!

Who needs a cat anyways?!

Friday Funnies

While making Daddy his birthday cards:
Me: "Tomorrow is Daddy's birthday."
Sidge: "Are we going to have a cake?"
Me: "No, I bought donuts for his birthday. But don't tell him. It's a surprise."
Sidge: "Okay. I'll tell him it's not his birthday."
Me: "Okay."
Sidge: "And I'll tell him my name is Braden."
Isaac: "We can do whatever we want, but we can't do naughty stuff like sticking our tongues out."
The boys' friend Jackson told Isaac that in the Bible, it says we are supposed to love our enemies. "Yes, but superheroes are not supposed to love any enemies," Isaac responded.
John made Isaac some chocolate milk, and I realized that I must not make it very "strong." Isaac told Daddy, "Mommy's chocolate milk doesn't taste like chocolate."
Sidge has been asking tons of questions that go like this: "What does ____ mean." Inclusions include:
  • "What does journey mean?"
  • "What does mostly mean?"
  • "What does it mean when someone says we'll be sunk?"
  • "What does it mean to be hanging in there?"
  • "What does probably mean?"

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Happy Birthday JB!

Today my husband turns 37 years old. Unbelievable how old we are getting! Yesterday, the kids each took a picture and gave it to Daddy in a card. They each got to pick "how" they took their picture. Here's what they each chose:

Then, this morning before work, I put a candle in some donuts and we sang happy birthday and gave Daddy his cards. (I think he was very surprised I was able to "do" so much for his birthday.)

I want to write more later about my wonderful husband and the many birthdays we have celebrated together, but for now, I'll just wish him a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY and tell him that he's the greatest man I know. 

I love you John.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

I've decided ...

.... that having a living room upstairs, is quite a bit different than the way Americans "usually" live. Has anyone else had an experience where your living quarters (where you "hang out") is upstairs from your kitchen? Anything we need, I have to go downstairs for it. We do have a secondary hang out room downstairs. But it is a sun room and so right now, while the weather is in the 60's (yes! that is winter here!) it can get quite cold.

I know I am feeling more and more like myself when I feel like blogging! Watch out cyber world!

Wee-wind Wednesday

I thought it would be fun to rewind to Christmastime 2010. We had just moved to Turkey. I had just found out I was pregnant with Abigail and was pretty sick then too. We went to the medical Christmas party and Sidge got his hand painted. Look how little he is! Man they grow up so fast. Here's the link to the wee-wind blog.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013


Today at 7 weeks and change, we got to see our baby's heartbeat. I realized how long I had been holding my breath for when she said it and I started crying. So many episodes of bleeding but all related to this little issue in my uterus, not the baby. Baby is good, heart is good. Out of all those embryos, we have one perfect little human.

God is amazing!

Sunday, January 20, 2013


We are so grateful. It's not often I am short on words -- verbal or written. But lately, it has been one of those times. We are so incredibly blessed that this life is growing inside me. I am always very cautious that I never come across as ungrateful for anything God has given me in my life. How grateful we are that IVF #5 worked.

I am still having some bleeding. We are hopeful that this is the same "issue" and nothing new has developed. We think that the meds that I am on for IVF (progesterone and estrogen) are probably effecting how I am feeling (much sicker) as well as how I am sleeping (not good.)

God is standing alongside me. I have found great comfort in the group SELAH and their hymns of worship during this time. Your continued prayers are so valued.

I'm sure I'll return to "mega" blogging at some point in the hopefully very near future.

Saturday, January 19, 2013


Praising the Lord for a beautiful island day. The weather has been very rainy. Very overcast. Very grey. Only brief periods of sunshine. But today, with JB home with us the entire day, we had beautiful sunshine all day long. Simply wonderful to feel the sun on your face!

Friday, January 18, 2013

Praise Reports

In a sea of nausea (thank you to everyone who has sent me advice -- trying everything), I praise the Lord for:
  • a bit of sunshine so we could play outside today
  • a great window (9a-2p at least) of good eating and little nausea today
  • a friend to encourage me from afar via computer
  • a friend who lives right around the block with boys to play with (Carla!)
  • a husband who shoulders more load than is humanly possible
  • an aunt who is present and stands alongside me in so many ways
Feeling blessed.

I've learned to depend upon His Word.

I've had many tears and sorrows,
I've had questions for tomorrow,
There've been times I didn't know right from wrong:
But in every situation God gave blessed consolation
That my trials come to only make me strong.
Through it all, through it all,
I've learned to trust in Jesus,
I've learned to trust in God;
Through it all, through it all,
I've learned to depend upon His Word.
I've been to lots of places,
And I've seen a lot of faces,
There've been times I felt so all alone;
But in my lonely hours,
Yes, those precious lonely hours,
Jesus let me know that I was His own.
Through it all, through it all,
I've learned to trust in Jesus,
I've learned to trust in God;
Through it all, through it all,
I've learned to depend upon His Word.
I thank God for the mountains,
And I thank Him for the valleys,
I thank Him for the storms
He brought me through;
For if I'd never had a problem
I wouldn't know that He could solve them,
I'd never know what faith in God could do.
Through it all, through it all,
I've learned to trust in Jesus,
I've learned to trust in God;
Through it all, through it all,
I've learned to depend upon His Word.

Friday Funnies

Isaac: "Why do we have to go pee pee so much?"
Isaac: "I'm going to marry Ms. Carla."
Sidge: (while playing with his little people) "This is a wedding cake to enjoy."
Isaac: "Do you have to eat a lot of food for the baby? How does the baby get food? Is the doctor going to cut this baby out too?"
Isaac: "Where are Jonah and Noah?'
Me: "They are visiting America."
Isaac: "There are mosquitoes in America." (He got bit by quite a few while we were there.)
Aunt Connie: "I'll be back in a flash." (Leaves to go get her coffee.)
Sidge: (A few minutes later.) "Aunt Connie was not back in a flash."
We have one cape in our house -- borrowed from our friends Max and Jackson. Sidge put it on one morning. Isaac wanted it. Suddenly I heard Sidge say, "Mom, can you take this off? I'm going to give it to Isaac. I'm just going to have a magic pretend cape." Guess who talked him into that?
Sidge: "Mommy I have to tell you something very important. I love you."
Isaac: "That's not important. That's sweet."

Thursday, January 17, 2013

At 18 months Abigail is currently ....

  • saying ball, mama, babies, dada, and some form of brothers, Scrubby, and Connie. 
  • trying new words/sounds all the time but none very clear.
  • loves to eat everything.
  • likes to eat with a spoon by herself (and does a pretty good job -- Aunt Connie taught her.)
  • loves her five baby dolls; sleeps with all of them.
  • still loves balls.
  • throws some very good screaming fits that we are working on.
  • walks down a few stairs completely by herself now without falling.
  • loves to be outside.
  • loves to go on adventures.
  • still taking 2 naps.
  • drinking milk and juice and water.
  • loves her brothers and wants to be just like them and be with them.
  • sleeping 7pm-6:30am.
  • loves to give hugs, sit on your lap, and be close to you.
So thankful for this little lady in our lives. What a miracle she is.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Moment by Moment

I am trying to live my life moment by moment. So many things in this life we wish we knew. So many unknowns. So many things I want to control. When will I learn that I am not in control? When will I give God full control? Truthfully, we don't know what will happen in 10 minutes nevertheless 10 weeks, months, or years.

Right now, I am still pretty sick. The nausea is at its worst from about 1am-10am -- its very worst from 4am-8am. Nausea is a good sign, and I am reminding myself of that. I have an ultrasound on Tuesday to hopefully see baby's heartbeat!

I am going to bed at around 7pm each evening to try to get a solid 5-6 hours of sleep before the nausea sets in. Your continued prayers for me and the husband and Connie supporting me are so appreciated. We are hanging in there!

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Shut your mouth

Please take a moment to see this youtube video on a man born with no arms and legs. If you think your life is hard, you won't think it anymore after watching this amazing Christian share His faith despite circumstances much more difficult than any of us can ever imagine.

Monday, January 14, 2013


Well, it turns out, I am still very pregnant.

My numbers on Friday were in the 5,000 range. Today they were in the 12,000 range. They did an ultrasound on me this morning. It is too early to see a heartbeat, but they did very clearly see ONE baby. They also saw what appeared to be a hemorrhage (for lack of the scientific term) that would explain the bleeding and clotting I had.

I have still been VERY sick. Much sicker than I ever was with Sidge or Abigail, especially this early. I do not throw up but am nauseous much of the day. I can sleep at night with the help of a sleeping pill. I have also lost a lot of weight since starting this IVF procedure (about 15 pounds). However, my anxiety/depression is very well controlled. I would say, today, I even sort of feel like it isn't an issue, which is really saying something.

I would continue to covet your prayers for me emotionally, mentally, and physically -- as well as our entire family.

We are beyond excited for this sudden change of events! JB and I were pretty sure that a miscarriage occurred, especially after I was not that sick after the second episode of bleeding.

Praise the Lord.

Miracles DO happen.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

No idea

I've had more bleeding. We think I may have had a miscarriage but just can't be sure until we do more blood work on Monday.

In the meantime, I've continued to be plagued with bad nausea/morning sickness especially when I try to sleep. Your prayers for all of us, especially me and JB to deal with me would be much appreciated. We could really use them.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Friday Funnies

Isaac loves to hear the story of how we adopted him. This past time JB told him, "Mommy cried when she saw you." Isaac said, "Daddy, people don't cry because they are happy!"
Sidge: "How do you sleep in heaven?"
Sidge: "I smell poop."
Me: "Let me check Abigail."
Isaac: "I just tooted a little but you didn't hear it."
Me: (check Abigail's diaper and say, "Nope, she's clean."
Isaac: "See Mommy. I told you I tooted."
Sou chef has become "shoe chef" to Sidge.

Psalm 91

I had some bleeding last night. Not a lot but some. We went in for a blood test this morning, but it probably won't be in until Monday. With no cramping and the bleeding stopped a few minutes after it started, my nurse practitioner was not that concerned. JB and I are just in a "wait and see" phase now. It could be nothing. It could be the loss of one baby. It could be the loss of both babies (if there are two.)

My mother sent me the words to Psalm 91 with words of the bleeding "scare." I am clinging to these words today. I truly do know God has our family in the palm of His hand.

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High, who abides in the shadow of the Almighty, 2 will say to the LORD, "My refuge and my fortress; my God, in whom I trust." 3 For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence; 4 he will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. 5 You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, 6 nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday. 7 A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand; but it will not come near you. 8 You will only look with your eyes and see the recompense of the wicked. 9 Because you have made the LORD your refuge, the Most High your habitation, 10 no evil shall befall you, no scourge come near your tent. 11 For he will give his angels charge of you to guard you in all your ways. 12 On their hands they will bear you up, lest you dash your foot against a stone. 13 You will tread on the lion and the adder, the young lion and the serpent you will trample under foot. 14 Because he cleaves to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name. 15 When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will rescue him and honor him. 16 With long life I will satisfy him, and show him my salvation.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

A good day

Today has been a very good day. My morning sickness was much more controlled today, and despite Abigail being under the weather and JB recovering from the same bug, we are doing well. 

I have taken a break from "activities" and am just hanging at the house. I gave up my MOPs duties for at least this month and probably next month and am just taking care of life here at home one day at a time.

Thank you to a friend who sent me this scripture today:

Psalm 91:
Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day."

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

What would I do without my Aunt Connie?

Well folks, the Lord knows what we need way before we need it. He knew before the beginning of time that our fifth try with IVF would be a success after five failed IUI's and four failed IVF's. (If I were a betting money, I sure wouldn't have bet on this!) He also knew that I would find myself having a very hard time with the IVF meds and that I would slip into some depression and anxiety. He knew of the pit I was in during the week we returned from America. He also knew I would be fighting some very tough morning sickness.  That's why, many months ago, he orchestrated a plan for my Aunt Connie to want to come here and for an idea to pop into her mind and my mind and for it to all work out.

Today is only half done, but I could not have done it without my Aunt Connie. My morning sickness is currently only lasting the "morning" (about 5am-11am) but just as I was in the throngs of it, Sidge threw up. Then Isaac threw up. Both boys kept finding spots on the floor to lay on (as you can see from the picture above.) They both have some of nasty bug. Abigail is sleeping a lot but currently is not showing signs of illness Praise the Lord.

Connie was with me the whole time. (And I didn't even mention that she was fighting some bug herself!) The Lord knew I'd need her. Why can't we trust Him when He proves himself faithful so frequently?

Sometimes I can get afraid. Afraid of being in a country without my "American" friends and family. Scared of how I can handle this with my three little kids. But God goes before me. He already knows.

His grace is sufficient for me.

Trust me and don't be afraid, for I am your Strength and Song. Do not let fear dissipate your energy. Instead, invest your energy in trusting Me and singing My Song. The battle for control of your mind is fierce, and years of worry have made you vulnerable to the enemy. Therefore, you need to be vigilant in guarding your thoughts. Do not despise this weakness in yourself, since I am using it to draw you closer to Me. Your constant need for Me creates an intimacy that is well worth all the effort. You are not alone in this struggle for your mind. My Spirit living within you is ever ready to help in this striving. Ask Him to control your mind; He will bless you with Life and Peace.

Monday, January 07, 2013

Quite ...

... on the mend. Your prayers are soooo appreciated.

I will write more when my heart is better, but I want to just tell you know that the anxiety and depression has lifted/is lifting. We realized that the nausea from morning sickness was "causing" or "igniting" the panic attacks and once I realized that, I was able to get things very under control.

Please continue to pray for me as I heal! Someday I will process all this for the blog.

Love you all!

Sunday, January 06, 2013


uses people on His Earth to work his miracles.

Thank you to those people who have touched my life during this time!

Saturday, January 05, 2013


I'm not sure how else to put this information "out there" so I'll just do it this way.

We are pregnant.

Our fifth and final try with IVF was a success.

My numbers on Wednesday and then on Friday went up appropriately meaning, as of right now, the pregnancy "has stuck."

We will not know if it is 1 or 2 until we have an ultrasound done in 3 weeks.

As of today, I am considered six weeks pregnant. The ultrasound will be at 9 weeks.

Finding out we are pregnant is, obviously, great news. Happiness. My heart still feels for those who are still waiting.

Thank you to all of you who have been praying for me. Please continue to pray that the anxiety and depression that has nearly crippled me stays far away. I have now gotten some morning sickness and today there was no anxiety or depression. I'll take physically ill over mentally ill any day!

I will update more as I continue to feel better. I am not getting on the computer very much right now so if you email me or Facebook or leave a comment and don't hear back right away, please don't take it personally. I'm just really feeling lead to be with my family and my Jesus. I've cancelled any outside activities for the rest of January so that I can heal and get back to the woman I want to be.

P.S. I apologize for not emailing more people directly. I'm really taking a siesta from computer life as much as I can.

Friday, January 04, 2013

Friday Funnies

JB used the word supervise. He said, "It looks like Abigail is just standing around to supervise."
Sidge: "Is Supervise a superhero?"
JB: "No."
Sidge: "Is he an enemy?"
While eating his peanut butter and jelly in the restaurant in Baltimore, Isaac said: "This peanut butter and jelly looks like a magnatile." Guess he'd never seen them cut in triangles.
We were practicing our Bible verse, Under His wings you will find refuge.
Isaac: "I didn't know Jesus had wings."
Me: "Well he doesn't." (At this point I started trying to think of how to explain a metaphor to a four-year-old.) "He doesn't have wings. He has big arms that take care of us."
Isaac: "Well no one has told me anthing about this."
There is a treehouse in the JB's parents front yard. The boys were up there playing with their cousin Nate. They were pretending the treehouse was a pirate ship. Suddenly, Nate went flying out of one of the "windows." His dad went to lecture him and ask him why he jumped. Nate looked up and said, "Sidge and Isaac made me walk the plank."

Thursday, January 03, 2013

Trust me Moment by Moment

From Jesus Today by Sarah Young

"Trust me moment by moment. This is all I require of you, and it is sufficient to keep you standing firm in the midst of fierce spiritual battles. Just getting through each day is a victory as long as you stay in communication with Me. Search for Me in your moments. Keeping your focus on My Presence is the best protection against self-pity and depression.

I am calling you to trust Me in deep darkness. Take one step at a time, clinging to My hand for help and guidance. I am always near you, and I know exactly how much you are struggling.

Though the battle is fierce and you are weak, your resources are unlimited. My Spirit is ever ready to help you; you have only to ask. Remember that this Holy Helper is infinitely powerful and infinitely loving. I also am eager to help you. Call upon My Name with confident trust, for My unfailing Love surrounds you."

Psalm 62:8 "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."

Psalm 32:10 "Many are the woes of the wicked, but the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in Him."

Standing alongside

I've stood beside a few people in my life that are hurting. It is not easy to do. You want to say the right thing. You want to do the right thing. But what is the right thing.

I don't have a reason in my life to feel sad right now. Life is a-ok and even better than a-ok. But for some reason, I am in a pit. I am climbing out of it. But it is a hard climb.

If you haven't dealt with depression and/or anxiety, you may not know what it feels like. Thus, you don't know how to stand along side someone who is dealing with the darkness of it, like I am right now.

I am filling myself with scriptures and happiness and sunlight and goodness, but some days I still struggle to stop crying. Some days I can barely put a foot in front of the other. Some days it feels like I am walking through cement.

My mom sent me an ecard today, a way to "stand along side me from afar." She is not trying to fix something that she can't fix. All she can do is love me and pray. I also love when she tells me that she has her "ladies praying." I know my moms "ladies" and they will REALLY pray. Oh do I need people who are saying they will pray for me and are REALLY praying.

My Aunt and husband are living with me through this bit of darkness. The Lord could not have brought two people who can stand alongside me better than they are. Connie wrote an email that really meant a lot to me:

I don't like your depression / but you, I love

I get bored of the depression / but you are never boring
When you round the corner & I see the depression in your eyes - I'm disappointed & frustrated w/the depression - not disappointed and frustrated with you
Sometimes I think of depression as a very unwelcome guest - - in a black suit w/a black hat, following behind you and lurking round corners and I want him to go away and leave us all alone!

Dear one - don't be discouraged with YOU. All the negative things with the depression is NOT you!

These small things are great reminders for me. If you are standing alongside someone who is sad today, whether it be for a reason or for a chemically induced reason (as mine is), or for no reason at all, the best thing you can do is just stand alongside them. 

And PRAY for them.

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

Jesus Today Entry: Sarah Young

"Make me your default focus. Try to be come conscious of what you think about your mind is at rest. Many people's minds gravitate toward worries,work, plans, food, pleasure seeking. Some of these thoughts are useful, while others are not. Most people are not very aware of their thoughts during their 'down times,' but I am quite aware of them. I want you to train your mind to turn toward Me more and more. Think about who I am -- Creator, Savior, King of kings. Ponder also my amazing, unending love for you.

Training your mind to make Me your default Focus is not easy. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you in this challenging endeavor, and He will. However, you must be prepared to cooperate with Him. You need to spend some time in quietness -- away from television, the radio, and other distracting noise. community with Me frequently throughout the day. Using a short prayer such as, "Jesus, draw me close to You," can help you return your focus to Me time after time. Also, it is vital to saturate your mind with Scripture, which is all about Me. As you practice these disciplines, you will gradually be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

Psalm 8:3-4 "When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?"

Psalm 119:11 "Your word I have hidden in my heart, that I might not sing against You."

Romans 12:2 "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -- his good, pleasing, and perfect will."

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

I'm so happy I have you

On the 28th we flew from Fort Lauderdale to Baltimore. We got a hotel. I got to see my friend Stebbs and her little guy William. We called the military flight to assure our 7:30am arrival time was still "a go." It was. We went to bed very early (6pm) and got up very early (5am) on the 29th to be at the airport. Only to get there and be told that our flight to the Azores had been delayed for a half day.

In other words, it would be leaving at midnight that night!

I had done a very good job of staying well rested during our three weeks in Fort Lauderdale. The depression and anxiety seemed to be getting better. (I had had three good days in a row.) But now, we were going to have to do an overnight flight with three tiny tykes. 

The reason was that the pilots needed rest time. I get that. It's important. But how does the military not know that before we go to the airport with our eight suitcases and three children? So frustrating.

The good news was that because we were flying on orders (not space available seats but assigned seats), they would give us a hotel room and some food vouchers to get us through that day. That was helpful. All the kids managed to nap a bit. But we still had to be back at the airport at 10pm that night for a midnight departure. Less than ideal.

Isaac slept the entire flight, curled up next to Daddy. Sidge managed an hour but was then wide awake. Abigail did not do well at all. She'd fall asleep for twenty minutes, scream for twenty minutes, fall asleep again, and repeat. There are only 30 seats on the plane so her crying was definitely not ideal for any of the tired passengers.

Thank the Lord for Auntie Connie who chilled with Isaac while Abigail and Sidge took naps when we got home She also started helping us unpack, do laundry etc. Oh praise the Lord for her presence! Daddy and Mommy tried to nap too. John successfully took a 4+ hour nap, but I was unable to sleep at all. By midday, I was an emotional basket case from the extreme fatigue and inability to sleep. At 5pm, I finally took an Ambien and went to bed (waking up at 9am the next morning.) The kids went to bed shortly after I did and successfully slept until 10am the next morning! 

During all of the anxiety and depression, one can start to feel a bit useless. A bit not needed. A bit down. I know that my kids need me and I am important, but when you are stuck in a fog, it is difficult to find your purpose. The last two days have been so rough for me, and that is why I find it no accident, that as I was hugging Sidge last night he said to me, "Mommy, I'm so happy I have you."

He's happy he has me! He needs me! Despite my weary and pathetic state, I am important. For God to give Sidge words I've never heard him say at that moment, was like a wake-up call. To push onward. To keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I will feel better.

And my children are happy to have me. Just as I am.


We have returned to the island after a very difficult trip home (which included a 14 hour delay in Baltimore.) The sleep deprivation of flying overnight hit me hard emotionally and I've had a rough two days with anxiety and depression, but I am clinging to the Lord and feeling better this morning. As I continue to feel better, I know I'll want to write again. For now, one more day with the hubby before he returns to work. Thank the Lord as well for Auntie Connie who was integral to recovering from one night of no one sleeping!