*** This is a post on motherhood that may be a little sensitive to anyone struggling with infertility. Feel free to skip! ***
So I have a confession to make.
Someone once asked me after Isaac was born if my life had been just totally turned upside down.
My answer? No. Not really. Isaac was such a chill kid. We took him everywhere with us. I honestly didn't feel that bringing him home was any more difficult than the day our (not so) little pup joined our family. Just a new adventure. But not life changing. I know not all newborn parents feel that way. But for us, that was the case. I wasn't recovering from a pregnancy or delivery, he was sleeping through the night . . . life was different but not completely altering.
No one has asked me recently if my life has been just totally turned upside down by bringing Elijah home.
But I've decided to answer the question anyway.
Yes. It has. Completely. While Elijah has been more challenging than Isaac was as a baby (which seems to have improved since we are feeding him more now!), it isn't Elijah that is difficult for me. It is having two that is more difficult and life changing.
I cannot say that their closeness in age is the reason that it is harder. I don't have anything to compare them to. Maybe having kids four or three or two years apart is exactly the same or even harder than this. I really don't know.
Either way, having a second
at home has been life changing. That I do know.
JB has been home with me the last few days. We sat down on the couch after putting Isaac to bed and flipped on American Idol
. JB was eating dinner and I was feeding Elijah. He told me that he felt like a day with both boys was equivalent to one of his busy rotation days. Just a day that you don't really have a chance to sit for a moment. Just the type of day that leaves you falling asleep sitting up at the end of it.
I do well throughout the day but at about 5:30-6:00pm, I start falling out, exhausted, and start having dreams about getting to crawl in my bed. When I do get into my bed right after I feed Elijah his last bottle of the night, usually around 9:30-10:00, I fall asleep in mere seconds. No tossing and turning for this chick.
I told JB I feel that when he is working, he gets my "scraps" at the end of the day. By the time he comes home, I have hit that exhaustion point. I don't quite feel like talking or hanging out together. I just feel like going to sleep.
Between diapers and feedings and changing clothes and putting a babe up or down from a nap and washing bottles and doing laundry and picking up and playing with the boys and letting Scrubs in and out and going for a jog, my day is completely jam-packed. If I add an "outing", it is then stuffed.
The hardest job I have ever done? Honestly? No. Teaching and coaching in Franklin during sports seasons definitely rivaled this. They were 70-80 weeks away from home. When sports weren't in season, the job got immensely easier, but during season, I remember feeling that same sort of fatigue.
But this is still not easy. I don't feel good at it. And sometimes, it is hard.
I need to admit that.
I'm not sure exactly why I haven't said this on my blog before now. I've always allowed my blog to be a place that I express my heart exactly and honestly. I haven't hid
it. But I haven't really mentioned it either.
For some reason admitting that anything related to motherhood is difficult or challenging is hard for me right now. It isn't that I want to appear I am a super mom. I have no problem at all admitting that I am not
a super mom. I don't see myself as one and don't feel that I am one. I am perfectly fine admitting that I need help or don't know how to do something. I see other moms and think, "Now that
is a supermom."
However, I do have a fear of ever sounding like I am complaining about being a mom or having my two boys. I love them so incredibly much. I would never change where we are now for anything in the world. I never, ever, ever, want to sound ungrateful for the amazing blessing that has been bestowed on our lives.
I can remember when I was going through infertility. I remember hearing moms say it was hard. I agreed with them. I had done enough babysitting of multiple children to know it was hard. But I also knew I didn't care. I wanted that sooooo bad.
And now that I have it, I hesitate to mention the hard stuff because I don't want to sound unappreciative -- ever. I am so amazingly appreciate. I am so amazingly happy I am here.
But it is hard.
And you know what, my failure to admit that isn't fair to other moms or to moms-to-be. I need to be honest or people won't get the right picture.
I've been blessed with a few friends that I have really been able to share my heart with. They have encouraged me to go ahead and talk about some of the hard stuff. At MOPS the other day, moms went around discussing some of the good, bad, and in between stuff. Very helpful!
I got an email from a good friend the other day. She was talking about having two kids and admitted to me that it is quite exhausting. I echoed her sentiment and confessed my fear of not ever admitting that this was a little hard sometimes because I feared sounding ungrateful.
She wrote me back a very powerful email. I wanted to share just a portion of it, since her words were what encouraged me to write this blog.
Everyone who reads your blog knows the immense struggle you faced with infertility and then the immense joy you experienced through adoption and conception...BUT we also understand the immense time commitment of the daily feedings, diaper changes, naps, walks, and just pure chaos. Everyone likes the honesty of your blog, and other Moms would probably like you admitting.."No. I am not super mom!" because you always seem to have it so together.
When I read her last sentence, that I seemed to have it altogether, I knew I needed to set the record straight. I do not have it altogether. Oh my! Woah is that far from the truth. Things are chaotic and challenging and demanding and wonderful all rolled into one. I want to make sure everyone knows that. I never want to appear to be something I am not.
So I am saying it. I have to remind myself of the difference between admitting something is hard and complaining about it. I have to keep my mind clear that saying my day is chaotic or challenging is not saying I want to give back my boys or I wish they weren't here. They are amazing. They are an incredible blessing. I wouldn't change them for anything. I can admit that motherhood is hard just like I can admit coaching and teaching were hard. That doesn't admit I don't love what I do. I love it.
Even though it is sometimes hard.