No life is perfect. Pictures may indicate perfection. But reality is far from pictures.
Of course, if you've read my Blog or seen me on Facebook or met me in person, you know I strive to never present a life that is not AUTHENTIC.
It's not completely possible. Obviously. Especially as my children are aging. They don't want to be included in my writing sometimes. They specifically say: "Do NOT post about that." And I respect that.
But, generally speaking, I've been open. I've tried to be REAL.So here is REAL for you.
We moved to this farm in the middle of nowhere looking to live a different life. A purposeful life. A S-L-O-W life.
I knew that S-L-O-W and farms are sort of at odds with each other. I was warned of that. I know the definition of slow is all convoluted and warped and confusing ... but still. I wanted ...
Some of you are laughing. You've seen my posts. You know Wendi is not serene. Stop laughing. Sit down and finish reading.
So I was talking about SERENITY and PEACE and SLOWNESS. Yes, I understand I live on a farm and I homeschool and I have four kids and my husband works in an Emergency Room and there was this pandemic thing, and I have a non-profit organization and write for some organizations ...
I feel like life is moving at a million miles per hour. I want it to slow down. I need it to slow down.
Some of this is my choice: Commitments I made that were not required. More time spent on my phone then needed. Staying up too late reading when I should have just gone to sleep.
Some of it is not: Baby lambs unexpectedly needing my attention. A farm emergency that canNOT wait for my schedule. A child with broken braces. Just a child in general for crying out loud. They don't follow your schedule.
I walked outside last night to feed the baby lambs. It was a full moon. And I thought: We've lived here for six years, and I've never really played on the grass and just spent time staring at the moon like I planned to.
I remember when we first moved here, and John and I laid in our bed and looked out our window. It looked like vacation. It felt like vacation. We wanted it to always be a place of peace and respite and retreat.
I know it is still a peaceful place. People that come to visit (and come back to visit) reiterate that to me often. That despite the complete insanity of what is swirling around us, they are at peace. There is comfort for the weary here.
But what about for me? Is there peace for the homeschooling Mama of four. In other words: Am I doing something wrong? Or is this just how it is?
Living SLOW requires hard decisions. There is a ballet production we REALLY want to be part of this summer, and we think we will have to not let the kids participate. This is HARD. We want to do it. But we just know that it will speed life up again. And during the summer, that speed is really fast.
Of course, the weather is currently crummy so a lot of these emotions are playing off of that.
But I'm not doing a good job of living the SLOW life.
Oh, we don't have TV. And we don't eat out. Those are good things. But I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Literally. I've seen a chicken with its head cut off. That's what I look like.
No, really ... I have four children. Is it just impossible to live slowly with four children? Add in homeschooling? Add in a farm with animals? How can I live out in the country and have more time to enjoy that country? What am I doing wrong?
I look at that picture above, and I think ... I'm trying to do all those things. I'm striving. That's my goal. And yet I still feel like I'm lost half the time. Dropping balls.
Is it just normal homeschooling life with four kids. Or can I attain SERENITY?