Sitting with discomfort

 Acceptance isn't feeling comfortable with uncertainty. It's making room for uncertainty without repeatedly trying to eliminate it.

This is the whole story. 

This summarizes everything I am working to learn right now. 

My entire life I avoided uncertainty by "checking in" on everyone and everything. I would mentally do a "run around" in my mind making sure there was nothing unsettled in my brain or my heart or anywhere. 

But those behaviors was actually running me into the ground. 

So now I am learning to sit in discomfort.

Someone doesn't text me back? 

Leave it. 

One of my kids seems frustrated at me?

Leave it. 

Leave it.

Leave it.

Leave it. 

That causes such incredible discomfort inside of me, and I am working so hard to allow it to be there and go about my life anyway. 

Each day there is a new whack-a-mole. A new thing yells at me and says, "Hey! Over here! What about ME? Maybe I am the problem? Let's perseverate on this one!" 

I am learning. 

Hardest journey of my life right here. 

But I am getting it. 

I can't control what other people think or feel. I also can't control what my children want or need or think or feel. 

I thought I could.

I cannot. 

I must allow other people to be where they are.

And be okay where I am. 

Father, You know how uncomfortable uncertainty feels to me. You know how desperately I want to make sure everyone is okay with me. My mind is telling stories, and they feel so real.

But Lord, I don't have to know everything. I don't have to manage everyone's feelings. I don't have to solve every possible problem.

Help me learn to rest in You while questions remain unanswered. Teach me that I can feel afraid without having to act on that fear.

When I want to reach for my phone, remind me that I can turn my attention back to the life You've given me.

I surrender what I cannot know and what I cannot control. Help me trust You with the people I love.

Amen.

 

MONDAYS are

co-op day. 

They are a BEAST of a day for me. 

The boys no longer attend our homeschool cooperative. Last year, Isaac still took a theatre class. But this year, neither boy is there.

Kinda sad. 

The girls are there full-time with me. Abigail is taking Anatomy, English, Government, Psychology, and Health. 

Hannah is taking General Science, English, and knitting. She also helps watching kids during her second hour.  

As for me: I am on the Board. And I am teaching two classes: a high school British literature and a middle school English.

It's a lot, but it's good. It's our community. And I really enjoy it.  

If you'd like to watch a short video of me teaching, you can do so here.  

Getting behind and updates

There is a lot going on in life. But as the kids get older, their stories become their own stories, and my story doesn't seem exciting. Here are some nuts and bolts of our lives:

• Isaac has plans to attend Liberty University in the Fall. He will enter as a sophomore.
• Sidge, is actually, considering attending Liberty as well. He would enter closer to a junior as he has been taking full-time college classes. 
• All three older kids are going to attend "College for a Weekend" at Liberty University during the first weekend of November. 
• We are processing chickens tomorrow. 
• We are watching Romancing the Stone this evening with John, me and the girls. 
• Isaac was cast in a great role in Taming of the Shrew. This will be in early December. 
• Isaac continue to take piano, voice, and guitar lessons. 
• Sidge seems to enjoy karate two nights a week.
• The girls are still doing ballet. 
• Abigail is actually teaching some ballet classes now. 
• Isaac is directing a Halloween play he wrote that is a little disturbing. 
• We are going to Isaac's birth mom's engagement party in November.  
• Work is busy for JB. Nights are harder as he gets older. 
• Homechool co-op continues to go well. I am the vice president of the BOD and am teaching two classes. 
• The two classes I am teaching at co-op take a LOT of time. I am contemplating whether I can do these again in the future.  
• I am continuing to heal. I feel like I am finally on a very good healing trajectory. I feel about 90% recovered. Being as this started in February of 2024 ... it has been a long journey.

Pancake Breakfast

Central Ballet hosted its yearly Pancake Breakfast. I snagged a few pictures from people:

My dear friend Cara Trantham (mother to four, but TWO dancers)

Abigail with some fellow dancers. From

Brown Belt

Sidge got his brown belt in karate this evening. He has one more belt before black belt!!