365 Days of Rest #15

Today will be our first full day in Vermont … but I plan to be off my phone and tech!! I can’t wait to unplug and go dark. (I will add in my rest posts from

Vermont on our way home. Although I may choose to blog a little from Joni’s computer which will keep me off my phone and “my” tech.

So, my day of rest today will be a flashback. 

Tuesday, before we left, we had Carter D. over for dinner. Carter attended FCC and our homeschool group. I think he probably graduated around 2018. He was also very involved with community theatre. Now, he’s at medical school at Liberty In Virginia and came back to Greeneville to do an ER rotation with JB. 

Well, the rotation is ending and we are headed for vacation so we had him out for a farm visit. He helped move sheep and chicken and then got to eat some of the meat he helped care for. (Not the exact meat but the kind of meat :)

Also in attendance, Lovely Lily. That’s what I call her. She’s my Lovely Lily. I love me some Lovely Lily. She is the oldest child  of our great friends the Shrader family. We’ve been friends with their family for years, but in the last two years of so, our families have really connected. Daniel (the dad) is a permaculture/nature guy. Meredith is super cool and a bosom buddy to me. This was the family we went to Costa Rica with too! They have two other kiddos below Lily: Honest Hosea (who is Hannah’s age and honest to a fault like Sidge) and Jubilant Janessa (who is five and just pure silliness.) We love this family. 

Abigail and Sidge are very good friends with Lily. Their family was on vacation and now our family was getting ready to leave so we squeezed in a Lovely Lily day! Would have liked to have all the kids over but the younger two had camp at our church. (We know them from homeschool, ballet, and church!)

Lovely Lily and Creative Carter … good for the soul!!

P.S. Isaac wasn’t there because he drove the car for one of the first times solo just for some guy hang out time with his buddies! Crazy!!

 

P.S.S. while I am not getting on my phone or any social media, I am hoping to post some pictures to my Blog a little bit. So here is the first one. It's a bit cool today (I think we might hit 80 degrees by the day's end) and the water is rough -- so we won't do much in the lake today. But still, sitting on my porch, surrounded by trees, with nothing on my daily schedule ... this is my HAPPY PLACE!

 

 

Another truth

365 Days of Rest #14

We are driving to Vermont today. Can’t get much more restful than 17 hours in a car!! Left at 5am and should arrive by 10p!

But, JB got to stop at his happy place: a HUGE Thai market. Thankful we were able to keep him to 30 minutes in the store!

Fireworks at the Bauenrhof

We celebrate on the 4th of July with some fireworks here with the Kotynki family (and my parents and nieces.)  However, our boys were out-of-town at a Youth Retreat so when they returned, we did another "mini" celebration and included our great friends the Shraders (who were also at the Youth Retreat.) Their oldest child, Lily, put together this video (with help from her Dad's drone). Enjoy: 

365 Days of Rest #13

Honestly, this day wasn't particularly restful. I amwriting this in the car on Thursday. But Wednesday was the one day we had to get everything ready to be away from the farm. We were preparing to leave for Vermont for our annual summer jaunt. I ended up having a really hard time during the days leading up to our departure. 

I am really starting to see that my “tank” is extremely empty overall right now. My "team" (5-7 good friends/family members that remind me of truth when I need it), has been telling me this, but I’ve never experienced an empty tank before to this degree. WHEN my tank is empty, I have NO reserve so if ANYTHING “triggers” me (and I hate that word), I go crazy in the brain. I start crying and get overwhelmed that someone doesn’t like me and can’t get my mind wrapped around things successfully. 

My stressors always involve people liking me. This is a combo of bad thinking I developed throughout my life and my personality in general. I am an ENNEAGRAM 2, and we like people to like us. But I've also developed some PTSD and FEAR in surrounding people being upset with me. This is what, basically "broke" in me. I did it for 45 years, but back in February, God decided he was done watching me do this. He knocked my legs out from under me. I had no choice but to face this demon straight-on. 

No more medicating this with actual anti-depressants (although, right now, I am still on them as I learn this.) No more self-medicating with staying busy or food (both of which I realized I have done but wasn't aware of at the time.) I actually think my migraines were coming out because of the stress I was putting on my body as well. (Another thing that I didn't know at the time.) In February, the blinders fell off, and I realized, I was living for men and NOT for God.

The thing is: I AM CHANGING THIS. But in the midst of this change, I am now HYPER-AWARE of this "bad behavior" in myself. So when I do it ... when I let something someone says or thinks influence me, I can sort of tailspin. 

I am learning to give myself lots of grace and compassion. But I'm not very good at it. I also have an athlete's brain tucked into this whole intricate system of "stinkin'-thinkin'." I'm really learning. But it won't happen overnight. It's happening. But it's not nearly as fast as I would like. 

I need to make sure I have reserves right now so that I can “think straight” when this hard stuff comes at me. As I get more rest …. I’ll have more reserve … and will be able to handle this stuff more. …. I’ve been doing this with people for 45 years and all of a sudden am “aware” of this behavior. When I “do it”, I am not SUPER aware of it and then I get very hard on myself about it — condemning myself etc. It is going to take time to “break this.”

("That's a lot of quotation marks, but, I don't feel like editing that paragraph after writing it.)

Hang on

Tuesday Truth

365 Days of Rest #12

I've carried a burden
For too long on my own
I wasn't created
To bear it alone
I hear Your invitation
To let it all go
Yeah, I see it now
I'm laying it down
And I know that I need You

I run to the Father
I fall into grace
I'm done with the hiding
No reason to wait
My heart needs a surgeon
My soul needs a friend
So I'll run to the Father
Again and again
And again and again
Oh, oh, oh

You saw my condition
Had a plan from the start
Your Son for redemption
The price for my heart
And I don't have a context
For that kind of love
I don't understand
I can't comprehend
All I know is I need You

I run to the Father
I fall into grace
I'm done with the hiding
No reason to wait
My heart needs a surgeon
My soul needs a friend
So I'll run to the Father
Again and again
And again and again

Oh, oh
Again and again
And again and again
Oh, oh (oh)

My heart has been in Your sights
Long before my first breath
Running into Your arms
Is running to life from death
And I feel this rush deep in my chest
Your mercy is calling out
Just as I am You pull me in
And I know I need You now

I run to the Father
I fall into grace
I'm done with the hiding
No reason to wait
My heart needs a surgeon
My soul needs a friend
So I'll run to the Father
Again and again

I run to the Father
I fall into grace
I'm done with the hiding
No reason to wait
And my heart found a surgeon
My soul found a friend
So I'll run to the Father
Again and again
And again and again

Oh, oh
Again and again
And again and again
Oh, oh, oh
Again and again

Run to the Father

365 Days of Rest #11

I’m taking the time each day to be still and to remember truth. Here is a good reminder: 

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
in every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2 Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
to guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

3 Be still, my soul; when dearest friends depart,
and all is darkened in the veil of tears,
then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
from His own fullness all He takes away.

4 Be still, my soul; the hour is hast'ning on
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.