Big Picture, What Got Us Here

I continue to work to heal from something called "nervous system sensitization." Basically, my nervous system got "stuck" in the on position -- stuck in FIGHT or FLIGHT.

If you think this might be you, DO NOT live there. If you are going to the hospital thinking you are having a heart attack .... If you are having weird physical symptoms that you keep thinking are health related but they tell you that you are fine .... If you are having intrusive thoughts and looping until the anxiety threatens to devour you ... If you are overly worried .... If you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning (mornings can be the worst for people with a sensitized system), you MAY have a sensitized nervous system. 

It SUCKS.

But it CAN get unstuck. 

And that is the program I am in.  

I'm learning, however, that there is much more TO this stuck system than I thought. It happened for a reason. 

One of the men in my online support group wrote this piece below, and I think it does a fabulous job of helping break down the thought patterns that got most of us to where we are. His name is Matthew Lacoff-Roberts. 

Somewhere along the line, we were taught "It isn't okay to feel that."

 

Might have been by our parents.

 

Might have been by a teacher or other adult.

 

Might have come from, I'm really sensitive and this hurts too much.

 

Whatever the case, early on we learned that it's not okay to feel "that."

 

So we developed strategies and techniques to not feel those things.

 

Which in adulthood became:

• Overindulgence in food or alcohol
• Drugs or substances
• Porn
• Busying ourselves with work, pushing through not to feel
• A frenetic pace of life
• Etc.

Underneath sensitization is a root belief: "It's not okay to feel this feeling."

 

Might be anxiety.

 

Might be shame.

 

Guilt.

 

Anger.

 

Grief.

 

Whatever it is, somewhere along the way we learned, and then practiced, over and over, not feeling that thing. Because it wasn't okay.

 

Now we're learning, that's not true.

 

IT IS OKAY to feel that thing. In fact, it's human. And extremely healthy, and necessary to be fully human. To function at the highest level of our design.

 

Sensitization becomes an invitation to change this relationship with feeling.

 

We're learning, slowly: "Oh, it's okay to feel. It won't kill me. Actually, it's biology. This is how it's supposed to be."

 

Something happens. We experience a feeling, pleasant or not. We let it be there, get out of the way. It takes it's natural course of rising and falling, as we continue living.

 

Over, and over, and over, and over.

 

So when a symptom rises -- could be a thought, trigger, emotion, sensation, etc. -- remember, "It's human to feel. This isn't something I need to fight anymore. I'm ready to be fully human."

 

Fighting, fixing, feeling, fearing are just old habits: old ways of dealing with natural biology. There's no need for these behaviors anymore. We can allow ourselves to feel.

 

Over time, feeling gets easier.

 

Things move through more quickly.

 

We stop blocking our own healing.

 

And we move on.

 

Free.

 

Long-term freedom.

 

Still having the natural and normal discomfort of being human.

 

But no longer treating it in a way that doesn't make sense: no longer perceiving it as an issue to be solved.

 

Just seeing it for what it is.

 

"I'm a human."

 

Okay, sounds good 👍🏻

The PAUSE

 

This concept echoes Viktor Frankl's well-known teaching: "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response."

Adrienne and Charleigh and Baylee

Tuesday Truth

 

Grama Di, Connie & Dogs

Staying Safe

 

It has been a LONG healing journey for me. While there have been ups and downs and breaks, it has been about 2.5 years of learning how to change the way I am thinking. Each time I think, "I'm done!" the Lord seems to do something else. I keep reminding myself, he is doing this for me not to me. 

There was grieving that needed to be done. Things I had to release. Forgiveness I had to give. I had no idea that He wanted to go so far beyond that with me. He wanted me to also forgive myself. And he wanted to change the way I think. He doesn't want me to stay in prison.

I had no idea how I thought until He began to make it clear to me. My thinking was never about trusting God. It was about predicting every possible scenario to keep myself safe. Now, every single time I tense up or freak up or get defensive, I say, "What is that, Wendi?" and I look into why I am behaving the way I am. There is always a reason and it has nothing to do with other people and everything to do with me. 

Safety. That's what my body is looking for. The only thing is, the lack of safety isn't really that at all! I am fearing relationships and people. None of those will kill me. I am safe in Jesus. 

And so I am learning how to trust in Jesus fully. And I am also learning how to change the nature of my mind and the thoughts that rattle around inside there. When a thought about someone being mad at me comes in and threatens to tip me over, I remind myself of truth. I am disciplining my thoughts and my mind and learning to walk intimately with Jesus. 

I sometimes wonder why God decided to do this with me NOW? Why didn't He do this decades earlier? I really don't have an answer to that. I also sometimes ask Him, "Why me?" Why did he choose ME to do this work? Why do other people continue to live fairly normally (albeit I am realizing, most people aren't living normally -- nearly everyone is surviving with their own coping mechanisms), and I, had to get my legs taken out from under me? 

I am not sure about any of these questions or any of the answers. I do feel that the Lord is calling me, like Jonah, to go into Ninevah. He wants me to speak truth to people and to not be afraid. He wants me to stand alongside people and understand their pain. I could never have understood the depth of pain people can experience before February of 2024. Now I feel it. Now I understand it. 

Solomon asked God for wisdom. If I could ask God for one thing, it would be PEACE. I want the peace of Jesus that passes all understanding. I want that more than anything else in the entire world. I want to sit at His feet and truly understand who He is and how He made me. 

He made me exactly like I am. He knew the life and story I would have. And He is in charge of the path that I am on. He has a great plan. I believe it involves helping people get out of their destructive habits so they can find freedom in Him.

But whatever the plan, I want to follow it. 

I am a new person. A new mom. A new wife. A new daughter. A new niece. A new everything. A new person. A new friend. I'm still a bit muted and not quite as gregarious as I once was. I hope that will come back. But I have also come to realize that the Wendi I was won't come back. Because she wasn't real. She was a person who had found ways to cope with her pain. This new Wendi will be the REAL Wendi. 

I'm excited to meet her.