... to share my story.
And yet, it is like ... it is not quite time for the words to come.
Some day, they will come.
And so for now, I keep on putting one foot in front of the other and keep healing from pain I did not know existed.
What I know is one day I thought I was fine, and the next day God said, "It is time for you to heal."
And the healing began.
Coping mechanisms are interesting little things. Somehow they keep you alive even though you don't know they are a thing. I had no idea that I had created such an intricate web of coping.
Somewhere in my life I decided that if I was the very nicest person imaginable, and I never confronted any behaviors, and I just let people walk over me if that was what it took, I would be totally fine for the rest of my life.
I had no idea I believed that, of course. But I did. Somewhere deep inside me, I believed that. And I put that practice into action.
And then something happened:
First I watched two of my friends get into an argument. One of those friends was someone even nicer than I was. And the other friend was mad at her.
How could this be? I thought to myself. And I realized my strategy was flawed.
And then I myself watched someone decide that I was not worthy of repair. They decided that I had made a mistake too large for fixing.
And that's when I knew my strategy was flawed.
I had always manged to control situations and to convince people to talk to me and repair and fix things.
But the Wendi that I was becoming knew that that behavior was actually not healthy. And so I allowed this person to walk away and did not try to "force" a repair.
And it collapsed me.
Of course, there were other things happening simultaneously. A perfect storm is in fact a perfect storm. Many things all at once left my body frantically trying to find an equilibrium, and ultimately I realized, there was no equilibrium to be found ...
.... except ....
completely and utterly resting my head on Jesus's lap. I had to say to Him, "God, I have no idea what you are doing or why you are making me do this, but I surrender."
Please hear me clearly. I did NOT instantly surrender.
Honestly I spent many months (years?) fighting with God. I remember screaming at Him, "You have the power to save me and yet you leave me here!"
What was He thinking?
I am finally at a place in my journey that I can see what He was thinking.
He needed me to stop living for man.
He needed me to release all control.
He needed me to be able to sit in uncertainty.
He needed me to understand that discomfort would not kill me.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.
(Ouch is putting it nicely. These lessons were beyond words painful to me!)
And if he fixed things INSTANTLY ... guess what Wendi would have done? She would have returned to her very-broken-coping-mechanisms nearly instantly.
And guess what else? For some reason, if you have a broken bone, people think: "Let's get you better." But if you have a broken heart or mind, Christians think: "There must be demons! This is spiritual!"
Listen, I'm telling you. This was not a Satanic attack. This was a JESUS INTERVENTION! He wanted me to live in FREEDOM!!!!
I am not through it all. I am still learning. I am still being taught by the Lord. I believe this is because he has BIG plans for me.
This past week I had to confront a difficult situation. I had to speak words I knew I should speak to someone that I knew would be painful.
I felt God saying to me .... (He has said this A LOT to me on this journey) ... I felt God saying, "I don't want you to go jumping into the belly of the whale. Sometimes I call you to go to Ninevah."
So I prayed. And I swallowed my fear. And I spoke the words that I knew would hurt because I knew they needed to be said.
Something "Old Wendi" was never able to do because the fear was too great.
I am still learning. I am learning that I have my safe people. I have people (like my husband!) who will love me until the bitter end. But I may be abandoned by people again in the future.
Am I afraid?
Will I be afraid?
For some of you reading this today, you are thinking: Seriously? Why are you so afraid of someone not liking you or being mad at you? This is silly.
And yes, your FEAR may have nothing to do with people. Maybe you have medical anxiety. Maybe you have financial anxieties. Maybe you have existential anxieties. Maybe your fear is even crazier. Something far out there. Maybe in a crisis you push people away instead of running toward them like I did.
It's ALL COPING!
Listen: the fear comes from an old wound. Something caused me to be afraid of people.
But I'm not going to live in that fear ANYMORE!
Getting out is NOT easy. But God is teaching me that I can do hard things. I can live through hard moments. I can sit in pain and discomfort and not die.
Fifteen years ago when the pain got too intense, I began medicating it with an anti-depressant. But eventually, the pain got too large for even that medicine. It came out in daily migraines that no doctor could find. It busted through. And no medicine could numb it anymore.
I never gave into alcohol or drugs. But I used other things: being busy, taking care of people, helping ... controlling. My drugs of choice.
Maybe you don't relate to these words at all. That's okay. Maybe this message isn't for you.
But if this message is for you, you aren't alone. Jesus loves you. He loves you SOOOO much. He loved me so much, he couldn't leave me on the path of self-destruction that I was traveling.
He is still doing work in me.
I imagine it won't ever be done.
I continue to try to do as He says and follow His steps for my life.
One step at a time.
