I continue to learn.
And I continue to dream of "feeling" like myself again.
And yet I am reminded, often, that Old Wendi is gone. She served her purpose. She did a good job. But she isn't coming back. She can't come back.
And so I wait.
In this sort of difficult middle.
For the "new Wendi" to appear.
This week was a little tough. My mentor in the program I am in resigned unexpectedly. In addition, I got called back for some repeat medical testing. Chances are very good it'll be fine, but it's unnerving. In addition, one of the Couch sisters, our neighbors out here on the farm, finally lost her battle to cancer.
When my mentor departed, I felt sad. And I immediately saw old Wendi knocking on the door. "Hey. Don't be sad. Sadness hurts. Let's skip that. Can we?"
But new Wendi knows that skipping emotions isn't good. I can't bypass them spiritually either. I need to feel them. I am sad Parag left the program. I am grieving his departure.
If I am being honest, I think I am grieving other things too. My boys are seniors now. They don't need me anymore. The season that they needed me is in the past. They'd like me to not mother them at all. And that's what I am trying to do.
But I miss the little boys that I got to be a Mama for and sometimes wish I could go back and do it all again and slow down time and soak up every single minute.
I love my kiddos. And I'm sad that they are growing up. And happy at the same time.
Sigh ... continuing to heal and grow over here in TN!
