If you kick a dog enough times, guess what that dog will eventually do?
That dog will eventually begin growling. He will begin to bite and snap. His behavior will get very challenging and very difficult.
People will come in and see the dog and say, "What is wrong with this dog? Why is this dog acting like this? This dog needs to obey! This dog needs to stop that aggressive behavior."
But that dog is desperate. That dog has no other choice. The dog is using the only weapon he has.
What weapon does a child have? Either they get wild and go out and party or get on drugs or drink. Or they talk back. They yell and kick and scream. This is just a tool they are using to get their parents attention. They are screaming, "Do you see me?! SEE ME! Stop kicking me. Just love me."
(And obviously, there can be exceptions to this rule both with animals and children ...)
I am determined to be an AMAZING mother. Not just a good mother. Not just an "okay" mother. I am going to rock it. I am going to grow and stretch myself in all ways and knock it out of the park. Because by doing so, I set my children up to knock it up for the next generation and this is how you change generations!
I truly believe this job I have is the most important job I will ever have. I am creating the foundation for four new families, and it's very important.
I am determined that my children will know and feel the following things:
- Abigail, I can handle your big emotions!
- Hannah, your feelings are important to me! Let's discuss them.
- Sidge, I got you!
- Isaac, I am willing to repair rupture. I will apologize.
- Abigail, I am intensely working to be a better human.
- Hannah, I am available to help you regulate yourself. It's my job!
- Sidge, you are not responsible for my emotions.
- Isaac, anger, fear, grief, worry and frustration is all welcome in our home!
- Abigail, I am attuned to you, annoyingly-so. I hope you say to me often, "Mom, leave me alone. I'm okay already."
- Hannah, your dreams and heart matter to me uniquely.
I am sure there are others. But these are the ones that I am most focusing on with my children RIGHT NOW. When my child screams and says, "I hate you! You are a terrible parent!" I turn to them and say, "It's okay. You are allowed to say that. I love you. I can handle those big emotions."
And when they are calm and able to discuss, we can talk through what those feelings are.
My child is allowed to express all emotions that are swirling inside of them.
And if the insides of me get all jacked-out-of-place ... guess what? That is NOT about them. EVER!
Think about it. Am I ever allowed to smack an old woman in the grocery store who is disrespectful to me and say to them, "YOU MADE ME FEEL THIS WAY?!"
Of course not.
If I am feeling upset by what she said, I must, as my own autonomous person, handle those feelings inside of me. She is not allowed to dictate the emotion inside of me.
The problem is, most humans are wound up so tight from their own trauma, they don't know what to do with how they are feeling inside. When you see someone go off on someone, it isn't that event that is causing the explosion. It's the fact that the person is already so wound up inside that this event sets them off.
If a parent ever hits or smacks a child out of anger, that is never, ever, ever the child's fault. It is always and completely the parent's fault. The child is a CHILD. Just like a dog is a DOG. The dog is going to respond as dog's do. But he is reliant on his owner to help him regulate himself. Children cannot do that without a parent.
If a fellow parent comes to me and says their child is screaming and yelling and disrespecting them, my attitude now is so different than it would have been two years ago. Two years ago I would have believed that the parent needed to fix that disrespect by punishments and consequences. Oh, how wrong that is.
That isn't to say that you don't punish the child for their behavior. You may do that. But first, you need to look at what is coming out of them. Why are they screaming like that? What is inside them that is causing that? Am I seeing them? Am I attuned to them? Do I feel them. Do they feel felt? Am I with them?
It was when my children became teenagers that I realized I had some very broken brain messages traveling through my head. And I had to do (and am still doing!) a lot, lot, lot of work to fix those messages.
When I yell at my child, it is never my child's fault. It is my fault. I am not saying that they didn't do something against the rules. But I need a system in place that allows me to discipline them without raising my voice, hitting them, or trying to exert sheer will over them.
Children never turn away from a parent by choice. They never stop going to a parent by choice. They only stop when they know the parent is not capable or unwilling to be there for them. This is not the child's choice. A child is designed to want their parent more than anyone else in the world.
Oh, how blessed I am to have discovered this thing inside of me causing this dysregulation! The other day, my sweet little Abigail was working on an English project, and she suddenly got very overwhelmed with the assignment. I could see it all over her body. Old Wendi might have said, "Oh Abigail, just get over it and do it."
But new Wendi instantly realized: Abigail needs me! She needs me to regulate her own self because she doesn't have the maturity to do it yet. I moved over to her and wrapped my big body around her little body, and I looked her in the eye, and I said: I got you Abigail. I will not abandon you on this assignment. And then I instantly watched calm spread over her body.
And I was so excited to see that! To get to do it!
When my kids come to me with a conflict they are having with a friend or a worry or a complaint or a concern, I now get SO EXCITED! I say: THEY ARE COMING TO ME! THEY KNOW I CAN HELP THEM REGULATE! THEY KNOW I AM HERE FOR THEM!
It makes me giddy. I will turn to JB and say, "They are coming to us!"
And he will smile back.
Having a complete mental and nervous breakdown in 2024 was the worst thing I ever had to go through. But if going through it allows me to do what I am doing now, I would do it all over again.
