Picking up cousin lol

Our cousin Baylee (my brother’s daughter) is coming to spend her Spring Break with us. Super exciting! Th girls and I are in Knoxville super early this morning to get her.  

There's a thing that happens ...

There's this thing that happens when you finally stop over-giving. 

... when you finally stop over-giving.

At first it feels wrong, like you are being selfish by taking your energy back and you almost want to apologize for it because for years you trained yourself to prove your worth through how much you could carry ...

other people's moods ...

other people's pain ...

other people's chaos.

And when you stop ... it's quiet!

Uncomfortably quiet.

Like you are waiting for someone to be proud of you for finally choosing yourself.  

But no one claps. 

And maybe that's the point.

Maybe healing isn't supposed to look heroic. 

Maybe it just looks like not texting first this time ...

.... not over-explaining.

.... not begging to be understood.

Maybe it's just peace that feels foreign at first. 

You don't owe your softness to people who mistake it for supply. 

You can love them from a distance and still mean it. 

Because the truth is you were never too much. 

You were just giving it to the ones who gave nothing back.   

From Em James on Instagram 

This is what I am doing

Regulating Your nervous system

This is what I am doing right now in life. I’m learning to feel. I spent my life pushing feelings away. Feeling them does NOT feel very good right now. They feel scary, overwhelming, uncomfortable ….

I’m getting there. But man is this HaRD!

I asked my counselor if other people are doing this. Most do not. Most either: 

1. Take medication to numb the difficult feelings. 

2. Numb the feelings (drugs, scrolling, food, sleep etc.)

3. Ignore the feelings with coping mechanisms. 

So I’m doing the hard thing ….ugh. 

Mom-nessl

When you and your cousin-in-law discover you are both wearing your shirts inside out. 

I am having good and bad days, but mostly, I am so worn out from this healing journey. While there has been highs and lows, this all began for me two years ago. For two years I have been trying to heal. 

Some days, like today, I wonder if I’ll ever make it. How long Jesus? How long will I be in dismay? 

They say this about healing. It is not linear. February had really felt like I was finding my footing and then this last week, I’m in a hole again. 

Jesus!! Can you see me?!

Psalm 130:1, “Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord; Lord, hear my voice!”

Psalm 6:3, “My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long?”

Visitors

We had some farm visitors on Friday last week. Jim and Lee (whom we met in Vermont) were vacationing in Pigeon Forge, and they came by the farm for a few hours. So excited to let them meet our doggies (they are Aussie lovers) and get to see our farm — despite it bring mud season. Fun times!