It has been a LONG healing journey for me. While there have been ups and downs and breaks, it has been about 2.5 years of learning how to change the way I am thinking. Each time I think, "I'm done!" the Lord seems to do something else. I keep reminding myself, he is doing this for me not to me.
There was grieving that needed to be done. Things I had to release. Forgiveness I had to give. I had no idea that He wanted to go so far beyond that with me. He wanted me to also forgive myself. And he wanted to change the way I think. He doesn't want me to stay in prison.
I had no idea how I thought until He began to make it clear to me. My thinking was never about trusting God. It was about predicting every possible scenario to keep myself safe. Now, every single time I tense up or freak up or get defensive, I say, "What is that, Wendi?" and I look into why I am behaving the way I am. There is always a reason and it has nothing to do with other people and everything to do with me.
Safety. That's what my body is looking for. The only thing is, the lack of safety isn't really that at all! I am fearing relationships and people. None of those will kill me. I am safe in Jesus.
And so I am learning how to trust in Jesus fully. And I am also learning how to change the nature of my mind and the thoughts that rattle around inside there. When a thought about someone being mad at me comes in and threatens to tip me over, I remind myself of truth. I am disciplining my thoughts and my mind and learning to walk intimately with Jesus.
I sometimes wonder why God decided to do this with me NOW? Why didn't He do this decades earlier? I really don't have an answer to that. I also sometimes ask Him, "Why me?" Why did he choose ME to do this work? Why do other people continue to live fairly normally (albeit I am realizing, most people aren't living normally -- nearly everyone is surviving with their own coping mechanisms), and I, had to get my legs taken out from under me?
I am not sure about any of these questions or any of the answers. I do feel that the Lord is calling me, like Jonah, to go into Ninevah. He wants me to speak truth to people and to not be afraid. He wants me to stand alongside people and understand their pain. I could never have understood the depth of pain people can experience before February of 2024. Now I feel it. Now I understand it.
Solomon asked God for wisdom. If I could ask God for one thing, it would be PEACE. I want the peace of Jesus that passes all understanding. I want that more than anything else in the entire world. I want to sit at His feet and truly understand who He is and how He made me.
He made me exactly like I am. He knew the life and story I would have. And He is in charge of the path that I am on. He has a great plan. I believe it involves helping people get out of their destructive habits so they can find freedom in Him.
But whatever the plan, I want to follow it.
I am a new person. A new mom. A new wife. A new daughter. A new niece. A new everything. A new person. A new friend. I'm still a bit muted and not quite as gregarious as I once was. I hope that will come back. But I have also come to realize that the Wendi I was won't come back. Because she wasn't real. She was a person who had found ways to cope with her pain. This new Wendi will be the REAL Wendi.
I'm excited to meet her.
