Popping Up Again

I am "popping up" again. This is an exhausting roller coaster, but I am now able to more consistently see "the island."

(John gave me that image. I'm on a raft. In the middle of the ocean. A storm has rolled in. I can see an island. I know I will get there. But right now, when a wave comes by, I lose sight of the island. That doesn't mean the island isn't still there. It's there. Just because there is a wave, doesn't mean I have lost the island.)

Here's the truth: I had NO CHOICE but to face my demons. 

That's ultimately what this is about. This is about some faulty wiring and thinking that I was using in my life. What's interesting is that I had NO IDEA I had faulty wiring. 

I knew I battled depression.

I knew I battled anxiety.

I knew I had to use anti-depressants to fight those two horrendous beasts. 

What I did not know was that those beasts came out because something else was inside me. 

That thing inside me was a ton of things I had pushed down without knowing it. 

I don't think this is actually that unusual. I think most adults probably did the same thing throughout their younger years to cope. The only question is: how did they cope? 

If they coped with alcohol, then they may not have suffered with anxiety and depression like I did. 

Or maybe they didn't use alcohol, but instead of it coming out in anxiety and depression, it came out in anger. 

(Anger had started coming out for me too.)

The truth is: The Body Keeps the Score.

What you dealt with: be it war or witnessing a mass shooting or abuse or neglect or a loss, your body has to deal with it. Somehow. And it might work for you. And it might work for you until the day you are buried. Or you might be buried as a crabby, horrible person because you never dealt with your demons. And because you didn't deal with your demons, your children have to.

Or ... you can face the demons and stop the cycle and save your children. 

I am doing this FOR MY CHILDREN. I am going to teach them amazing things that I am learning about listening to my body and not living to please other people and truly understanding the kindness and sovereignty of God. I am rewriting the script for my life. I will not die a crabby person. I will die as alive as I can be. 

(Ha ha -- that was a joke!)

 

currently have an "adjustment disorder."