My Tank

 

Here's the truth: 

I never really even knew I had a tank. 

I mean, I sort of knew. (I think?) But as an athlete and an extrovert and someone who found her self-worth in doing, I was inadvertently emptying my tank and rarely refilling it.

I think I did this my whole life. I went. I rarely said no. I didn't stop. Like, nearly ever. Two things in my life caused me to reflect a little bit on boundaries and that was having children and COVID. When I had children, I knew they required boundaries -- especially surrounding sleep and their shy natures (Abigail specifically!) And when COVID hit, I knew I had to protect JB.

But myself? It was rare. If ever.

However, having my legs ripped out from under me has meant that I have had to become super aware of my "tank." I have one! And because of this time of depression and anxiety and healing and learning, it has gotten completely and utterly depleted. And it must be refilled. And if it isn't refilled, those closest to me will suffer.

And so, I am working to keep my tank at a functioning level. This has to be done daily. I need good sleep, I need good food, I need good rest. I need to not spend my "words" on people that are not in my innermost circle. I can't expand energy that I don't have on people that "don't matter." This sounds incredibly harsh. And it sort of is. But my family and myself and my soul and my energy MUST come first. 

I won't always feel this depleted. My tank will eventually be sitting more at half-full or even all the way full on a regular basis. And this will allow me to drain it a bit on frivolous fluff. 

But until I get it filled up, I must make wise choices. 

That is what I am doing in Vermont right now! I am trying, every single day and every single moment, to choose things that are FILLING MY TANK. I arrived here with my gas almost empty. I am hoping to go home with at least a half tank!

SO

MUCH

TO

LEARN!