Honestly, this day wasn't particularly restful. I amwriting this in the car on Thursday. But Wednesday was the one day we had to get everything ready to be away from the farm. We were preparing to leave for Vermont for our annual summer jaunt. I ended up having a really hard time during the days leading up to our departure.
I am really starting to see that my “tank” is extremely empty overall right now. My "team" (5-7 good friends/family members that remind me of truth when I need it), has been telling me this, but I’ve never experienced an empty tank before to this degree. WHEN my tank is empty, I have NO reserve so if ANYTHING “triggers” me (and I hate that word), I go crazy in the brain. I start crying and get overwhelmed that someone doesn’t like me and can’t get my mind wrapped around things successfully.
My stressors always involve people liking me. This is a combo of bad thinking I developed throughout my life and my personality in general. I am an ENNEAGRAM 2, and we like people to like us. But I've also developed some PTSD and FEAR in surrounding people being upset with me. This is what, basically "broke" in me. I did it for 45 years, but back in February, God decided he was done watching me do this. He knocked my legs out from under me. I had no choice but to face this demon straight-on.
No more medicating this with actual anti-depressants (although, right now, I am still on them as I learn this.) No more self-medicating with staying busy or food (both of which I realized I have done but wasn't aware of at the time.) I actually think my migraines were coming out because of the stress I was putting on my body as well. (Another thing that I didn't know at the time.) In February, the blinders fell off, and I realized, I was living for men and NOT for God.
The thing is: I AM CHANGING THIS. But in the midst of this change, I am now HYPER-AWARE of this "bad behavior" in myself. So when I do it ... when I let something someone says or thinks influence me, I can sort of tailspin.
I am learning to give myself lots of grace and compassion. But I'm not very good at it. I also have an athlete's brain tucked into this whole intricate system of "stinkin'-thinkin'." I'm really learning. But it won't happen overnight. It's happening. But it's not nearly as fast as I would like.
I need to make sure I have reserves right now so that I can “think straight” when this hard stuff comes at me. As I get more rest …. I’ll have more reserve … and will be able to handle this stuff more. …. I’ve been doing this with people for 45 years and all of a sudden am “aware” of this behavior. When I “do it”, I am not SUPER aware of it and then I get very hard on myself about it — condemning myself etc. It is going to take time to “break this.”
("That's a lot of quotation marks, but, I don't feel like editing that paragraph after writing it.)
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