John told me that Eglin's hospital is considering playing a "lullaby" every time a baby is born. You may have been at a hospital that does this. They ring a bell or play a song every time a baby is born. JB actually had a conversation with the officer in charge of this process. He said it was a great conversation -- that he felt he should be honest with her about how implementing this would make him feel, make me feel, and make other families feel. He said she was very open to the discussion and respected him for sharing his feelings.
I am, quite obviously, against ringing a bell or a playing a lullaby in a hospital. if I were pregnant and going in with my own baby, I would feel the exact same way. At the moment I am delivering my baby someone else may be losing their's. Or they may have lost their mother or found out their pregnancy didn't make it to term or their artificial insemination was negative.
I know many of you may disagree with me -- arguing that a baby's birth is a wonderful thing and the sadness of a few shouldn't dictate playing down the happiness for the many. I agree that a baby's birth is wonderful. However, from the beginning this blog has been about education. Someone recently told me that it seems like "everyone now a days is struggling with infertility." I don't really think the numbers are that much higher (although women waiting longer to have children contributes to infertility.) The fact is, more people feel that they can talk about it! People do not talk about infertility. People downplay this pain.
However, when 1 in 6 couples are struggling with infertility, that means that 1 to 2 women out of every ten sitting in the hospital will be in pain when this bell rings or when the lullaby starts playing. 1 in 6 is a high number! If someone told you that you had a 1 in 6 chance of dying having optional surgery, would you do it?! Of course not! That number is incredibly high!
I cannot imagine how I would feel if while I was in the doctor's office getting my IVF results I had to listen to lullabies playing. I think this is a BAD idea. If you haven't been touched personally by pregnancy loss you may disagree but just for a second imagine that you didn't have your own children that you have now. Imagine instead that you had lost those children either prior to birth or after birth. Now imagine being reminded every single time a baby is born that you have lost your own. No sir'ee. BAD idea.
Anyone agree? Or disagree? I'm open to opinions (and you know me -- I don't get offended.)
13 comments:
I totally agree with you, Wen (as I'm sure you would have guessed :)) We actually had the lullaby thing at the first hospital I worked at...at the time I thought it was such a sweet thing to do when there was a birth. But, I was a bit naive back then...didn't really cross my mind to think of infertile couples or those who had lost babies. Hearing a lullaby like that would be a reminder of something they didn't have or had lost. I agree...it's not necessary and can be very hurtful. Of course, it has taken me time and my own infertility to realize that, but I agree with you...it's something that need not be broadcasted across a whole hospital. The birth of babies is such a small part of what's going on in hospitals anyway...think of all the sick/dying children/adults. It's insensitive to them too. In a world where we are so "pc" about everything else...you'd think things like this wouldn't even be considered appropriate, but I guess that's not the case yet. Love ya, Kel :)
I'm with you too. While the lullaby truly would be a very sweet thing for the "few who it would actually pertain to", it really is unnecessary, and Should be avoided for the many more who might be hurt by it.
What there Is a shortage of, is sensitivity to those who Aren't celebrating... so let's cater to them for Once in this decision.
It's not "downplaying" the happiness of childbirth... I'm pretty sure that there is generally not a shortage of happiness and celebration anytime a baby is born, so a lullaby would be a frivolous extra, not something people are going to miss if it's not there.
The people with the babies can take them home and play and sing them as many lullabies as they wish.. in the four walls of their own house.
...And that's all I have to say about that.
I agree with you, too Wendy. The goth local hospitals here in BG do it. Before we struggled with IF, it didn't bother me in the least; however, I really think going through IF and IVF, etc. has made me a lot more sensitive to struggles that other people have and I am not comfortable at all with the lullabies. It might not bother most people, but I don't think the potential hurt to others is worth it. Just my 2 cents!
In my opinion.....what is the need to play a lullaby or ring a bell anyway? If you're the parent of the child who was just born that the lullaby or bell is for, you're not even noticing them anyhow. Not to mention the fact that you are potentially hurting others in the process. The families of the children being born know quite well whats going on, so there's no need to broadcast it to the rest of the world who either 1) doesn't care because they don't know the family, or 2) could have their feelings hurt for whatever reason. Like others have said, there is so much going on in a hospital already, and births are just a small part of whats happening at any particular moment. So, I concur. Not exactly an idea from the sharpest crayon in the box =)
I don't think it's necessary at all, and like Gabbs said, the parents probably won't even notice it. If the parents really feel like it needs to be "announced" open the door and let the baby's cry be heard down the hallway.
Thanks all for the echoeing ... I needed it! I don't want to feel like I am overreacting. :)
This is just the other side of the coin -i don't have terribly strong feelings one way or the other and really understand what you are sharing! But i did have some honest thoughts i thought "i could never really say that"! In a way i hate to write this but i know you also want honest conversation on your blog. So both sides are educated... And you don't want this to be just a "yes ma'am" blog i know!! Still i have a bit of fear and trembling....
My thoughts are that when we have rituals for celebration in life, there is the sense of reminder to us all --that even midst our deepest pain and loss, new life goes on, that there is good in this world, and joy and love and beauty and that we are all one with each other.
I can't imagine the whole village in Halmahera not celebrating birth and grieving loss and death together -as a normal way to live. Sharing it all -joy and sorrow.. Maybe i'm too "small village" oriented.
But that's what new babies have always done for me -even ones i don't know at all. Reminded me of the hope and beauty in our world. The world seems an awful place sometimes...but it feels a better place to know new life has come...to us all....and to be reminded of that.
What if those who are single or divorced, said could we please stop having cars go by after weddings with "just married" and honking going on -it's too painful to watch. And please no brides with their bridesmaids in public parks getting pictures. Keep that in the privacy of your own home.
Also, please don't ever tell me how happy your marriage is cuz mine was a mess. There seems a place in individual life to ask friends not to talk about certain things or gush about certain things or display certain things ...as its too painful...but for all of society to be sensitive seems a bit much to me? Something would be missing in our world if all the signs of joy were taken down....
What if handicapped people said please don't run freely down the street or jog past me -it's a reminder i'm in a wheel chair.
I honestly miss in church that our pastor no longer ever talks about mothers on Mother's day-he prays a prayer of blessing for moms, and for those who have pain in their relationship with their moms or have not been able to be one....but i miss seeing little kids give their mom a plant on mother's day and being reminded its a job to take seriously. --i understand now so well why he does that. But it feels like something beautiful is lost too. A ritual that meant something...
There is a place of pain for everyone around us. So it seems it's important for us to be sensitive to one another, but i'm not sure it helps people to have all celebrations and reminders of joy and importance of roles, taken out of life in order to be sensitive.
well there will be responses to this but i think i'm writing what some would really feel. And i'll learn even more from you all.
Please know that I am not trying to insensitive to other peoples struggles. I try to be a caring person...but... after delivering 2 of my 4 children in Bowling Green, KY at a hospital that played the songs or rang a bell I wanted to scream. Not because of what it could possibly make someone else feel like (of course it was all about ME at the time), but simply because it woke me up each time they did it. For crying out loud people I had just had a baby and need some sleep. Geesh.....
I really am not that uncaring most of the time. I guess labor brought out the uglier side of me. Like telling the doctor I was going to kick him in the head if he told me to quit acting like a baby again. :) I was acting like a baby, but you don't tell that to a person in pain while you are "down there" by her feet.
All very good comments!!! And I agree with all of you in some way or another ... thanks for being honest! :)
I was especially moved by my Aunt's statement about not having bride and grooms decorate their cars with sensitivity to the single people. Any thoughts from the singles out there on this? This is a good point. How do we be sensitive without being overly sensitive or insensitive one way or the other? Life does go on and that should be encouraging ... Hmmmmm .... lots of thinking here.
You know, Tante Jan has some really great points. I mean, there are a thousand different examples you can use of the many struggles people face and how the public, without really knowing it, can help foster the hurt in these people's lives.
Its no secret I'm losing weight since I blog about my weight loss journey at least on a weekly basis. As a person who has struggled with her weight for pretty much all of her adult life (the last 5 years, though, have been the toughest of the struggle), I can say it is really hard to see people around you all the time who are healthy and thinner than you. It's hard to walk into a store like Old Navy to buy clothes, and even though they carry your size, you feel as if you don't fit in. Its hard to have to go to the plus size store to buy your clothes. But what am I going to do? Am I going to ask Old navy to stop selling clothes because I feel uncomfortable? Am I going to ask my friends and family to start wearing bulky clothing to make me feel not so out of place? Or to not come around at all for the same reason? Do I stay at home and hibernate because seeing everyone who is healthier than me makes the wounds hurt that much deeper?
No. I can't do that. Instead, I had to learn to deal with my issues, hurting or not. I know that people aren't skinny JUST to hurt my feelings. But at the same time, I try to be mindful of others and not hurt their feelings in the process.
But like I said, there are tons of examples of the hurting that people can be dealing with. Do we not buy new or newer cars because we may hurt the feelings of someone who has a beat up junker or who doesn't even have a car at all?
Now I really have no idea how I feel on this subject anymore, lol. Thanks Tante Jan =)
Well, "gabbs" even after all i said-it still has been so good for me to learn about infertility on this blog and how things we say really do feel --and from my dear niece because i really do speak differently with people now, and i know it means alot to them. And i actually have learned how to grieve and suffer with and even comfort others a bit thru all that has been shared.
I know when i was working on weight (or you can put it with money issues or whatever)--well, if we know someone is struggling with an issue...then we don't have to make comments about that issue that we might say easily in conversation to just anyone...Someone who is thin or has money or has a husband shouldn't be complaining around friends who are longing for that? -That is one thing i learned reading about infertility -like for someone with little tots to complain about how hard it is with small kids around someone who longs for them -why?! or you have a good hubby but are peeved with him -why complain to your single friend -- it's not necessary -you must have one other friend you can complain to; or if you are thin, to complain about gosh i got on the scale and gained 2 lbs this week, when you know your friend is struggling (it happens!!) or gosh we're so worried my husband might not get a Christmas bonus this year when he makes $100,000 around someone living hand to mouth -it sure is a nicer way to live not to do that. So I think we're all learning to still be kinder and more sensitive and caring thru Wen's vulnerablity and these blogs and comments! :)
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