Okay, so I have a perfect example of the rudeness surrounding my height that I am always talking about but can't ever think of a good example of.
I'm standing in line at the Commissary. I had decided to try the U-scan to avoid tipping my baggers. Forget that. I'll tip them next time. That was too much work when you have produce. Anyways, the woman helping all of us tipping-avoiders walks up to check for my military ID and says, "How tall are you?"
Now first of all, I don't like this question much in general. I compare it to asking someone how short they are, how much they weigh, or what size bra they wear -- all inappropriate questions. But like always, I answer, politely.
I answer "six-three."
And she says, and I kid you not, "Oh wow. I hope my granddaughter stops before she gets that tall."
Usually I don't allow someone to see that I think they are ignorant, but this time, I couldn't hold it in. I took my card back and said, "Well thanks a lot." Just like that. (Pretty tough don't you think!)
Now don't laugh. Being not polite back is very difficult for me. So letting her know, which I did, that her comment wasn't kind, was a big deal for me.
She instantly knew that she had hurt my feelings and started back pedaling, saying something about her grandson being estimated to reach 7'4" (yeah right!) and that her granddaughter was really close behind him (sure!). This coming from a little Hispanic woman who couldn't have been over 5'5". She was back pedaling so hard that she was coming up with some really crazy stuff.
During my U-scan she returned to talk to me three times, obviously trying to make me feel better. The second time she said, "There's a really tall girl that works here you know."
And?
I'm sorry. I try to be polite but when people are just blatantly rude I can't pretend that I am okay with that.
Am I overreacting? Be honest. Don't you think this was a little rude? And I know that people don't see tall as bad. I know all that. But I still think that commenting about people's body shapes isn't nice. Especially when you tell that person you hope that your granddaughter doesn't grow up to look like them?!
What if this conversation was switched with someone who was very short? Would it be rude then? "Gosh I hope my granddaughter isn't that short when she grow up? Or that big busted? Or have that big of a nose? You get the idea?
So ... time to vote. Rude or not?
22 comments:
Rude AND ignorant! A. from TX.
Go to this blog and read what he says about being tall:
http://logosmd.blogspot.com/2004/08/about-being-tall.html
RUDE!
Yes, she was rude - no, you were not.
:) Lein
She was definitely rude, but you handled her with class! I'll consider myself fortunate that those of us on the opposite end of the height spectrum are rarely the subject of such ignorance. However, I did come close to punching out the last acquaintance who grabbed my tummy roll and gushed, "Congratulations on your new addition!" Ugh!
Josh says...
I recently attended a church function where a church member said to me, "You know Josh, I didn't realize until tonight that you probably need to lose some weight!"
I walked away...
But it hurt my feelings, and I'm sick and tired of people saying stupid things!
So...my plan is to drive down to your base and take that "tall girl" hatin' woman OUT!
People are stupid. I think it's weird, actually, especially the part about a tall girl working there.
Wendi, will you email me again from my blog? I think I lost yours. Thanks.
It's unintentional rudeness, resulting from down right ignorance. My standard answer is, "you think I'm tall, you should see my brothers! I'm short in my family". It takes the focus off of me and on to what makes my family so unusually cool. :)
and Josh... I think you're adorable. You're "Just Right" to me.
Auntie Linda XXOO
I LOVED Auntie Linda's answer! that was classy too -you Huisman's know how to do that.
But on my part I don't think it's rude at all to say kindly and firmly:
I'm sorry ma'am -you may not realize it but that's actually a rude question to ask me. It's like asking someone how short they are, how much they weigh, or what size bra they wear -- all inappropriate questions.
I think educated people who don't have a clue is a very polite thing to do...why leave them in ignorance to hurt others ...she might have gone home and thought -gosh i never thought about that being rude and never do it again!
RUDE!!!
I don't think it was rude, just unintentionally offensive. She just blurted out what she was thinking, without considering how it came across. You alerted her to the fact that it wasn't appreciated, and her response tells me she realized her mistake. You handled it well.
Pak Dua Meter
I think you handled her great Wen.
I wish I was tall.
You are so lucky.
Wendi, you did just the right thing! I am certain that you taught that woman an invaluable lesson about thinking before speaking. You come from a long line of healthy Huismans who were known in the Berwyn communtiy as the tall family. Many a girl at Timothy Christian would swoon over your dad and uncles because of their height and their athletic prowess. But that was nothing when compared to their character! Your Grandmother was great at raising spiritual giants! So stand thankful and tall and next time a short person asks, "Wow! Did you play basketball?!", look them right in the eyes and say, "No, do you play miniature golf?"
A friend of mine had a person ask, "Are you really that tall or are you standing on something?" She replied, "Yes, I'm standing on the Word of God." :)
Not to remind you of other people who weren't thinking, but didn't Dr. Turner introduce you to another tall woman? And remember the guy that didn't believe your height in meters? Ah the joys of living with people that don't think or don't realize the effect of what they say. Until you said it, I didn't parallel it with asking a shorter person their height or anyone their bra size... but I see the relationship now. You could have looked down and said "Oh, I didn't see you down there!" :)
As a person of little height, I can speak from experience that I really do not find it offensive if you call me short. I've had people tell me I'm a midget. I think my own hubby pokes fun at my shortness. However, I think there are plenty of other body-related issues that I would take offense to, and I think that just because I'm not offended by my height issues doesn't mean you aren't. Its totally validated. Its like some overweight people don't find offense with people talking about their weight, while some do.
At any rate, I think it seems like a rude comment to say to someone IF she did it intentionally. Since I think she was just having an ignorant moment, and clearly was not thinking ahead, I think she was victim to a classic case of foot-in-mouth syndrome. But I think that you handled it fine. I actually think that what you said, while it may have helped her realized what she said was wrong, was not very tough, rude, or mean in any way. I think it was polite, actually.
i loved this blog -i learned so much about diplomacy, humor and also how good it is to ask for others' perspectives -i started out thinking rude and ended up thinking unaware...i loved the post about your Huisman family, grandmother raising spiritual giants! and standing on the Word -and laughed so hard at some of them -i especially laughed on the Do you play miniature golf. But i guess cuz Pak Dua Meter(Mr. 2 Meters) and your aunt Linda are tall -i loved their best cuz they've been there and found their way.
You are a writer and good with words. I think you should come up with a couple of standard replies that let people know that their question was not appropriate. Kind of like the mini golf one. Not rude, just something funny that you can say while display a smile and a slightly shocked expression simultaneously. You may have to practice in the mirror.
The other fact is, there are two things that are NOT going to change: your height or people's ignorance. So having these little quips in already prepared in your word arsenal may help you deal with these people and to educate them at the same time.
RR
I think you did right be letting her know that your feelings were hurt. It's hard to tell someone (but esp a stranger) to their face that they were thoughtless, but her backpedaling (awkward and horrible as it was) showed that she was sorry and embarrassed. She just needs a better filter between her brain and her mouth. I bet you taught her a good lesson.
I hope her grandchildren grow really tall and she remembers you every time she has to look up to them:) I so sympathize with you-not with the height but with weight and also having six children-that's a whole'nother list of comments! I used to say I was going to write on the front of a tee shirt- No, I'm not pregnant and on the back-Yes, they're all mine! You weren't rude and knowing how many times you've been thru this, I'd say you held your tongue.
No wonder you don't like to go to the grocery store with me. I ask the checkers all kinds of questions.
Now I have to rethink my questions...I guess asking someone if they are pure is pretty tactless.... :)
Thanks, Wendi, now I am second guessing myself. Where is Josh when I need him to do something silly so I know that I am not the only one?
I get a lot of comments about my height also, only for the opposite reason, I'm only 5'2" :( I finally decided I just needed to come up with something I could use as a reply to almost everything. When I get asked how bad it "sucks" to be so short, I just reply with, "Not at all, I like it. Except when I'm trying to reach the cookie jar." I think mainly people don't realize how insensitive it is to make height comments, but I understand where you're coming from. You had every right to respond like you did!
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