Hands down, without a doubt The Art of Losing Yourself by Katie Ganshert is the most accurate portrayal of infertility and adoption pain I have ever read. I was completely and utterly blown away by how well this author painted the truth behind this devastating disease.
With every single pregnancy, the desire had grown stronger. Withe very single loss, the ache had grown larger. I wanted to be a mother more than I wanted anything. I wanted it more than I wanted The Treasure Chest. I wanted it more than I wanted Aunt Ingrid to return. I wanted it more than I wanted Grace to get through this year.
I wanted it more than I wanted my husband.
Do you want it more than Me, beloved?
The question was not even a whisper, but a silent query straight from God that stretched up from the depths of my soul and slapped me into stillness. The truth fell from my deadened, desperate heart.
Yes, God, more than You.
The realization collapsed what was left. I crumbled. But Ben caught me. He cradled me against his chest as I cried tears long overdue. I grieved a grief that turned me inside out. I grieved for the ways I hoped our life would go, but didn't. I grieved for the six babies that took root in my womb but would not stay. I grieved the easy road that so many traveled not even realizing they traveled it -- getting married and having babies and watching those babies grow. And when I was wrung dry and the tears were no more, I sat in the stillness and listened to the steady thrum of Ben's heart.
I sniffed and wiped my tears. "Why does it have to be so hard."
"I don't know."
"We did everything right." But even as the oft-repeated words escaped, they sounded paltry. Right according to whom? I knew the Bible. Did I really believe that God somehow owed me one for good behavior? Somewhere along the line, I made a bargain with the Lord that He never made with me. I'd love Him, I'd do what He said, so long as He gave me what I wanted. I reduced Him to nothing more than my personal genie.
The passage above is just one of many that tells the beautiful story of two sisters fighting two different battles. I had no idea when I picked up this book from the library what it was about, but I was simply blown away -- page after page -- as Ganshert successfully told my story and put my feelings onto paper.
The other thing I love about this book is that it doesn't offer the fairytale ending that makes me not want to recommend it to people struggling with infertility or waiting on adoption. This story is real and how it is portrayed is exactly why I want to recommend it to everyone on this journey.
If you are in the mist of infertility or adoption or you love someone who is ... READ THIS BOOK. Understanding how this feels has never been so well done.
Or so entertaining! (I devoured it in three nights.)