Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Tribe Life Tuesday: The Disposition of Desperation

A weekly post from my childhood to grown-up friend Carrie ~ 
sharing her awesome life and her desire to have community while doing it!

What a title, right? There are many places to go but I will stay concise today. I find desperation is the best place for my heart. I know this may sound counter-intuitive, but stick with me. If you haven’t noticed through past posts, I’m a feeler! If this is the first post your reading, just keep on and you will see. I recently took one of those personality tests and of course the result said I am 75% feeling. I guess it's just the gift bestowed on me. Needless to say, feelings direct many of my decisions, but Joe keeps me balanced. 

So let’s talk desperation. Joe (my husband) and I moved to Texas about three years ago, and it was a great move. It opened us up to a whole new world, and we are so grateful for the journey. We moved to Texas from Florida with hope in our hearts and enough money to get us through the fist couple of months here. Much of which came from the generosity of our Florida tribe! We hopped in the car on a Sunday night after family dinner and headed north. We had no jobs and no home, just a few boxes of necessities, each other, and hope. The world was ours for the taking. We were bright-eyed and ready for anything. 

Twenty-ish hours later we made it to our destination and this is where the story really begins. 

Texas offered us something we desperately needed. This move was a chance to discover who we were and who we wanted to be. Here we planned to establish our own little family culture and branch out! Florida gave us roots and safety and still does, something for which we are grateful. 

The first several weeks that we were here we stayed in hotels and looked for jobs, because the money was transient. At first we had standards and would only consider jobs or work that "fit." Then, as the days and weeks passed, the job standards needed a bit of give. We considered many different options, and that's where I want to simmer with you today. There was a point when I got desperate, not for a job, or money, although those were seemingly non-existent. In those moments I became desperate for God. I’ve learned this about myself: when I am squeezed, the only thing that loosens the grip is to go deep spiritually. So that's what I did, I dove deep, because it was the only place where I was satisfied and felt like I could actually get through. 

Looking back, that time of struggle was incredibly brief but when I was in it, it was an eternity. I needed reassurance, in that time, that God was hearing me. It didn’t really “feel” like it but with everything I’ve learned, I knew He was. I was desperate for the right job, desperate for the safety that came with it and, at a deeper level, I was desperate for God to say "I got this under control." I had quite literally done absolutely everything I could do: applications, resumes, you name it. I honestly don't remember if He ever answered me, but what I do remember is etched in me until forever. I distinctly remember having next to nothing materially yet having everything spiritually. There was so much that was empty when it came to one part of my life. Yet in another area it was outrageously full. I was so aware spiritually because of my desperation. I, to this day, can’t pinpoint exactly why. 

But once our life started to take shape and we began to gain more material things: apartment, furniture, groceries, etc., the disposition of my desperation began to diminish. Now, let me be very clear about this: YOU CAN HAVE BOTH! Material wonders and spiritual desperation are not mutually exclusive. I am still on the journey to figuring out that balance. I would love to say I am close to figuring it out, but I am not and honestly probably never will be; it will probably ebb and flow all my life long. I am along for the ride. Sometimes we are thrust into this disposition due to surrounding circumstances, and other times it is a deliberate choice followed by action. I think that’s where the balance lies. Even when I have all the material possessions I could want, I have to consciously position my heart in a place of desperation. 

We are so fortunate to have worked hard and have been afforded incredible opportunities with jobs, community, safe places, etc. but when things start to oscillate, I remember that time and it re-aligns me. Recalling that time of desperation brings me back center. 

Thank you for reading.

See you next Tuesday,

*Please note that content in guest blogs is not necessarily shared by the station manager (i.e. Wendi!)

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