That's the way I figured out to explain my life right now. How different I feel with my Aunt Connie here. (And of course, Joni only adds to the help, even though she is only here two weeks.)
I feel like I am not, for the first time in nearly five years, just treading water. I sorta feel like I am getting to swim a bit. I don't feel like each day I am doing just enough to keep up on things. I feel like I am actually getting ahead.
When Veronica was with us, it was only for ten months and it was a busy ten months. Ten months of an appendicitis and storknesting in Germany and a new baby. So even though I had her help, there was so much going on ... so I was still treading.
But with Connie here, I am actually writing (a little.) I am actually eating sitting down (a little.) I am able to exercise (a little.) I am able to do some projects around the house that were just in a stand-still. I have actually gone to bed a few nights without collapsing of fatigue. It's amazing.
The biggest two things my aunt does for me are: (a) maintain the kitchen and (b) maintain the laundry. She takes care of those two jobs completely. It is so amazing. She also provides another set of eyes to watch the kids and will keep Abigail or the boys so I can run errands without 1 or 2 of the kids. And she plays with Scrubs a ton. She gives him tremendous love and attention.
If I am being honest, I am still struggling with guilt. I feel guilty that she has to be here. But when I really think about it, I realize that she does not have to be here. I could definitely do it without her. But I'd be doing it while treading water again.
And swimming feels really, really nice.
So I've decided to let the guilt go. I'm going to "try" and not worry what people think.
I read an article the other day. A blogger from a popular parenting magazine was quitting after just one year. Her reason? She just could not handle the criticism she was receiving about anything she wrote about. "I’ll admit that part of it is that I’m simply burned out on the criticism and hateful email that I seem to get no matter what I write," she explained. "It is not easy to share as openly and publicly as I do, and I might just not have the backbone for some of the responses that I get anymore."
I know how she feels. I don't blog on that large of a scale, but comments still hurt. I am a people pleaser. I want people to like me. I want people to approve of me. I realize that some people (whether they say it out loud or not) will feel that I am not strong enough if I have someone living here with me. That I can't do it by myself.
I ... don't ... care.
Okay, so, actualy, I do. A little. But I'm pushing that down. I'm pushing it down for all the mothers out there who feel shame if they cannot do it all. We want to pretend that we have it all together. That we can do the crafts and run the errands and keep the house clean and make the dinner (which I have long been okay with admitting I don't do.)
I told my Aunt Connie that I felt guilty because, "other mothers seem to have it altogether, and I need help."
"Who are the 'other mothers'?" she asked me. In other words: who are these women you say have it all together. Do they realy exist? And if they do, are they someone you would really want to be?
I see too many mothers completely worn out. Treading water. Or maybe not even treading. Maybe drowning a bit. Why are they doing that? Of course, they might not have the extra money, like I do, to buy their aunt a plane ticket to come help. But they do have the ability to barter with a friend and get a little time to grocery shop by themselves.
And they need to do that.
We all need to do that. We need to not be afraid to ask for help. To ask for encouragement. To admit ... whether we have one child or ten children, that it's hard. The number, the location, the reason doesn't matter.
Let's focus on figuring out ways that we can stop treading and start swimming!
5 comments:
I think your Aunt is exactly right. We compare ourselves to those "other mothers" who can "do it all", but when we really try to think about it, we don't actually know anyone like that! The ones we think are doing it are usually people we don't know very well, so we're only seeing the "show", not all the internal issues that every person/family has.
Becoming a foster parent forced me to ask for help more. And that's been very good for me, because I was constantly treading water and insisting that I "could handle it"....even when I knew I wasn't keeping up.
I heard this somewhere: if you imagine that everyone in the world had to put out by the street all the things they were struggling with and you could pick which load to carry....most of us would choose to carry our own pile.
Connie is exactly correct. Who are those mothers? I don't know any either. I can't even count the times that I've sat down in the middle of a messy room and just cried, completely overwhelmed.
And Wendi, I'd have to say that of all the "mommy bloggers" that I've read, you are the most honest about NOT having it all together. And yet when I see what you and John and doing with your kids, it is absolutely amazing! Your family is thriving.
And I want to thank you again for the house cleaning post! My cleaners are coming today and I'm so excited!!! I haven't swept for 2 days in anticipation. =)
The way I see it is that Connie "wanted" to come. Yes, you asked her, but she was ready for an adventure of her own. You were handling everything just fine, but it's better "to get by with a little help from your friends"! Glad you're starting to enjoy your life and amazing kids with a little help!
Cheryl
I'm spoiled. My husband is the stay at home parent and I work full time. We have an almost 3yo and a 5 month old.
He handles the grocery shopping, preschool pick up, dance class driving, pretty much all the dishes, and all the folding and putting away of the laundry. Chores like sweeping and mopping we share. The only thing I'm mostly responsible for is washing the laundry and making the dinner (he even does the clean up from dinner).
There are 2 of us and 2 of them (the kids) and the past month we have been barely treading water. Chores have gone undone and we are not getting enough sleep.
On top of all he does, my husband recently picked up some freelance work he can do from home- that additional work has tipped the scales to the point that we can barely keep up.
It's hard. We consider hiring help for the chores, but we're too cheap.
I think that outside of my home, I look like a mom who has it together. I drop my daughter off at preschool every morning put together and dressed professionally for work. I'm at work and can stay late and never have to take time off for a sick kid. Nobody can tell that I'm treading water and the only reason I look like I got it together is because I have a spouse at home who is picking up all the slack.
Appearances can be deceiving and everyone prioritizes their life the way they want to.
I think a there is a big part of the story missing from this Wendi. And that is God's hand & heart in all of it. My getting this chance of a lifetime, I view sure from you, but more a gift from my Father in heaven. He takes care of His children and it's like getting a great gift and rather than saying Thank You Father - we go to guilt that what? Your children don't deserve a mommy who is more present? These children w/o equivocation or guilt, you receive from His hand as HIS gift to you. But the added gift so that you can swim and play with these same babies, not as much? My help/presence here is God's gift to you and for your children. This entire orchestration and decision was as a matter of prayer. He loves you that much. He loves me that much. He also grants us free will and we make choices in our lives that are direct results of where we are at in our lives. He knew You would adopt Isaac, He knew you would bear Sidge & Abigail...and He knew that Veronica would be there to help you in Turkey and that I would be here now. You & John have made choices that provide the money to have help, so that you are more equipped to walk the path that He has set out for you. Yes, let go of the guilt, but maybe the perspective of just looking up to HIM and saying, Thank You as you are able to come up for some air and have extra time to help others through Because of Isaac beyond the huge blessing of being with your children and really present. Look @ the lives He gets to touch! It's not about you / it's not about me - it's about His divine handiwork.
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