South Africa

Finally! After planning for three years, John and Sidge are finally headed to South Africa to participate in the hunting trip they won at a silent auction. I plan to post their pictures while they are gone!

First meal!! Lamb!!!

And here is a video of where they are staying: https://youtube.com/shorts/uXaLS5XrWV0?is=MLEDE_e_cSzDzqNg

Elijah’s 700th bird! 

White-Throated Robin Chat

John’s 800th bird!

African Spoonbill 

The first day, John got an IMPALA! How cool is that?

Sidge got an Impala on Day 3!

Conscious vs. Unconscious

There are two groups of people in the world. 

There are the conscious. 

And there are the unconscious. 

Unconscious people canNOT see what I currently see. I do not mean that in a condescending way whatsoever. I was unconscious for 47 years. I had no idea I was unconscious. And if you have told me I was, I would have told you I wasn't. 

I paid attention. I am pretty smart. I went to college. I listened to people. I thought I listened to my own body. I felt that I was introspective and aware. 

I 

was

none

of

those

things. 

I can say it now, but I was absolutely, one million percent, unconscious. I had no idea what I was feeling. I had no idea what anxiety was. I had no idea what emotions were. I couldn't see my own coping skills. I didn't recognize that the moment I thought someone was upset at me, I compulsively began participating in behaviors to settle my nervous system. I did not understand that my need to text someone back right away was about my own nervous system. I didn't get it AT ALL. I didn't see that my busyness and helping of people was designed to make me feel better and keep me safe. Nothing. Nada. Didn't get it. 

I decided to think about the things I have worked on in my life that are making me conscious. I didn't get this list from anywhere. I just came up with it myself. No research went into it. It's just stuff I started thinking about.  

Here's how you know if you are conscious. Here's how you know if someone you are speaking to is conscious.

• Can they look at their behaviors and actually see what they are doing? Are they coping, numbing, avoiding? If so, they may not have fixed the behavior yet, but they definitely know that they are doing it. 
• Can they look at their behaviors and recognize why they are doing what they are doing? We cope, numb, avoid for a reason. Do you know what the reason is? 
• Are they actively working to learn and stop behaviors that are counter-productive. An example. I used to raise my voice with my kids. I rarely do that know. I know why I used to do it and am actively working to change it. It is never the child's fault that I raised my voice. It is always mine. Am I aware, when I slip up, what happened to cause me to slip into old ways? 
• If they are triggered (this often results in subtle body movements like bristling, eye-rolling, huffing, frustration, anger) do they understand why they are triggered? If someone reacts when someone says something, it has nothing to do with the person who said it. Do they know this? Do they understand that the reaction is because of past memories being "ignited" inside of them. They might need to put up a boundary or confront a behavior. Or they simply may need to recognize that whatever this person is triggering in them is about their own past. Not the person "causing" the trigger to be ignited. 
• They are able to understand that if they are triggered, it is has NOTHING to do with the other person. It is 100% about what is inside them! (WOAH!) (I know this was a bit repetitive, but I wanted to emphasize it.)
• They are able to feel things in their body and know when something is too much. For example, a friend wants to talk to me about something. As they are talking to me, I can feel in my body that this conversation is too deep for me to handle. I recognize my limits.  And I stop the conversation and say, "I've reached my limit." 
• Can you analyze what events from your childhood are being "rubbed on" when you respond the way you do? (And if you don't have any or many memories, do you know why?) For example, one night one of my children spoke up in the car and told me that something I had said in public had embarrassed them. I immediately got upset and defensive. It took me a few minutes, but I was finally able to understand why that would "rile me up" so much.  

These are just a few things I am thinking of right now. I am sure more will come to me. But this is the type of deep, introspective work that I am doing. It is deep. It is hard. But it is making me a completely different and better human -- particularly in my role as friend, mother, and wife! 

Friday funny on Wednesday

Set Your Problems Down & Live Your Life

 

My mentor in my online anxiety recovery group (Parag) posted this. He gave me permission to share it. I'm really working on being present in the moment and giving all my fears and worries to God. I've realized I really don't trust Him much at all. So I'm learning that!

 

Set Your Problems Down & Live Your Life

One of the strangest things we do as human beings is that we don't just experience problems—we carry them. A problem appears, and before we know it, we've picked it up and placed it on our shoulders.

 

A symptom arises.

A difficult conversation happens.

A scary thought appears.

An uncertainty about the future emerges.

 

And immediately the mind says:

 

"Carry this."

"Think about this."

"Don't forget this."

"Keep working on this until it's resolved."

 

So we do.

 

We carry it through breakfast.

We carry it to work.

We carry it into conversations.

We carry it into bed.

 

The actual event may have lasted five minutes. The carrying lasts five days, five months, or five years.

What most people don't realize is that many of the things they are carrying don't require carrying.

 

They may require attention.

They may require action.

They may require patience.

 

But they do not require psychological transportation from one moment to the next.

 

A symptom today does not need to be carried into tomorrow.

An uncertainty this morning does not need to accompany you to dinner tonight.

A fear does not become more manageable because you've held onto it all day.

 

The mind believes carrying a problem is being responsible.

 

It's just suffering.

 

There is a profound difference between addressing something when it is here and dragging it through every moment of your life.

 

This is why so many sensitized people feel exhausted.

 

They aren't only experiencing symptoms.

They're carrying them.

They're carrying yesterday's symptoms.

Tomorrow's fears.

Next week's possibilities.

Last month's setbacks.

And all of that weight accumulates.

 

What if, just for this moment, you put it down?

 

Not solved it.

Not denied it.

Not fixed it.

 

Just stopped carrying it. If action is needed later, you can take action later. If a decision is needed tomorrow, you can make it tomorrow.

 

But right now, can you allow this moment to be free of everything that isn't actually happening?

Peace is not found by solving all of life's problems. It's found by realizing how many of them you're carrying that don't need to be carried at all.

 

The mind says, "Don't put it down, you need to solve this."

 

Life whispers, "Put it down. If it truly needs you, you'll find it again."

All of our puppies ....

 .... have gone home. 

 It was a really fun 9 weeks, and now, their families get to have fun with them.

Here is a video from Gabe and Maryah who ... because they are crazy .... took home TWO of our pups. Look how good they are doing! 

Carla

My friend Carla came into town with her five kids to pick up their TWO puppies. Carls and I were good friends in the Azores as we lived around the corner from each other. This is only the second time I have seen her since we parted ways in 2014! 

Here is a pic of her two pups: 

Processing chickens 2026

Another year. Another day of chicken processing. We did about 90 birds — a small batch. Ended up with an 8 pounder which has never happened before. We also had an average weight of 6.15 pounds. This was a very small amount of birds so we didn’t need that many people. 

The Kodets joined us with their two youngest kids as they wanted to learn how to process and maybe do their own birds in the fall.  Anni’s dad, George came (Anni hurt her back) and Julia came too. Gramps and Grama were there too. Everything went great! Oh and Jacob was there too of course!

Here are two videos of the day: 

Abigail 

Hannah 

Truth

Fairhaven

This past weekend, Aunt Jan and I took Hannah and cousin Genevieve to an amazing spot nestled in the woods: FAIRHAVEN MINISTRIES. What a peaceful place!!!

 

This was Hannah's Christmas present. I was so glad we were able to make it happen! 

 

 

Continuing to learn

I continue to heal my nervous system. I wish I could explain what this process entails, however, this picture (above) from one of my group calls today does a pretty good job showing some of what I am learning. Shiv is one of our mentors. All of our mentors have gone through the program. I want to have flexible thinking. I want to be able to bend and move with the storms instead of breaking from rigidness. 

Retraining the, quite frankly, horrible thinking patterns I spent decades of my life existing in, is no small task. It is exhausting. It feels like it can't ever happen. I have to trust the process. I am learning to do that.  

Hannah Flashback

 I love finding old videos of our little Hannah Pomegranate. Mannnnn, was she a fun kid. (Still is actually!)

A laugh

 

Two years. 

That's how long it's been since I started on this trauma-enduced-anxiety-alleviating journey. 

There have been moments of reprieve. But, for a lot of the journey it has been a challenge. I'm not Wendi. I'm sort of Wendi. But I'm not her. 

I miss her.

And yet I know that on the other side, I'll never actually be her again.

I'm going to be a different Wendi. A better Wendi. A healed Wendi.

Sometimes, the numbness and emptiness and sadness feels like it will never end. However, then there are moments when I look at a picture like the one above, and I laugh out loud, and I think I am in there. I'm in there. Hang on Wendi. You will be free soon.

Those first two rows are our group. My friend Jessica. Her daughter Bailey (who is completely missing in the first row), Joan, Bri ... and I laughed. 

I'm working hard to come home. 

Hang on little Wendi. 

Freedom is coming. 

 

The Pause

Puppies

We have sold all NINE of our puppies.You can click here to see a video of our puppies. The first one goes home tomorrow (and the last one will go home on June 1). 

I Grow

I am growing. 

I feel it. 

Every little thing I learn about how I think. Thought patterns. Losses. Griefs. Perceptions. Errors. 

Growth.

But I truly never imagined how painful this journey could be. 

It is impossible for me to explain what the last two years of my life have been like. I have a few very close friends who have helped me through a lot of it. And those people have the closest viewpoint to what has been going on with me. 

But their view is still limited. 

There is no way to explain what this feels like inside. 

I would not wish this upon anyone. 

And yet, I have so many friends going through difficult things. And I wouldn't want their journey either. 

My two friends who are now into their third year of being a widow.

Another friend who is getting divorced with five young children. 

Another who is living with metastatic cancer. 

God ... this life here on Earth is NOT easy. 

The truth is: I don't plan on it being easy. But I do plan on having internal peace with whatever path God leads me down. 

And that is going to take some rewiring. 

Which I am doing. 

I am actually in an online recovery group for anxiety. In short, my nervous system has gotten stuck in the "on" position, and I am working to get it to turn off. 

Where do I see myself in six months? 

I hope (mostly) on the other side of this. 

But more than anything, I hope the second half of my life can be me trust God fully. I want to be okay with people who don't like me. I want to not fear letting someone down. I want to not feel I have to prove my worth. I want to live for Jesus and HIM ALONE. 

I am truly getting there. 

A few days ago I sent a text. The person did not text me back. 

"Old Wendi" would have followed that up and worked to confirm that person wasn't mad at me. 

"New Wendi" says: I know my worth. And people who love me, will love me. Even if I make a BIG mistake. Which I might make. 

I previously lived in a state of thinking I could be perfect. Because if I wasn't, I was in danger. 

New Wendi is learning that perfection does NOT exist. And I have to trust that people who truly value me would say: "You messed up. But I forgive you."

This happened with a close friend of mine recently. I shared something with her that I did not want her to share with her daughter. She accidentally did. The daughter told it to someone else and it got back to my daughter. Ugh!

My friend apologized. She said she just forgot. And she was sorry. I was frustrated. But she's a human. There is a LOT of grace. I forgave her. And we taught our daughters that same gift. 

Forgiveness. 

I AM WORTHY OF FORGIVENESS. 

Even if I committed the worst atrocity known to man, Jesus died for my sins. 

And so, I am going to live that way. If someone doesn't choose to forgive me ... if someone wants to shut me out of their life ... I CANNOT CONTROL THAT. 

I lived thinking I could. 

And that is where my intense fear stems from. Somewhere in my childhood, I began believing that if I acted correctly, I could prevent people form not liking me and not shutting me out of their life. And that is how I stayed safe. 

NO 
MORE.

You know what safety is now? 

I am safe with my safe people. And I have some. I have some people in my life that I know, no matter what, they would always have my back. 

The chief of those people is my husband. He is safe for me. Always. He will always be there for me. Even my children may choose to not have me in their life someday. I will be okay with that. I will be okay if I have God and my husband. 

(And truly, even my husband, would have to come second to Jesus.) 

My body is still learning that it is safe. I am teaching it these things, but it doesn't quite believe me yet. 

But it will. 

Jesus. 

My ultimate safe person. 

Joni comes to visit

Joni came into town in April for a visit. Here are a bunch of pictures she took while she was here!