In response to the blog post I wrote about moms not feeling guilty about everything, I received a great comment. Trogden wrote:So good to read this on a Monday morning when I am feeling guilt from the weekend over whether I played with my kids enough. The more I talk to mothers, the more I find out I'm normal. But I don't want to be normal...I want to stop feeling so much guilt. Your husband is right. I think that's all we mothers do all day most days. How do we stop?????
And the answer is: I have no earthly idea!
I realize that the guilt we feel is not really from other moms. They usually don't say anything to make us feel that way. We just look at them and feel that way. One of you commented that, "I don't believe that the 'mommy wars' actually exist... I think it's just us projecting our own insecurities and guilt into what we THINK others mean when they say things."
I couldn't agree more.
I want you to help provide real life ways that we as mothers can look at the good we are doing instead of the bad. How can we remind ourself on a daily basis?
My Aunt Connie started off the suggestions with a comment on my Facebook link. She wrote:
Give your kids a hug. And give yourself permission to lean on other people. I would add, especially for all the single mom's ... give yourSELF a hug and for five minutes a day; tell yourself five positives you did that day w/or for your kids! Who do we bounce anything off of? Who tells us we're a good mom? Make sure you affirm yourSELF! ... the man upstairs created YOU to be the mom of the kids who are entrusted to us!
And here were a few other ideas I received in comments on my blog or on Facebook:
- Hiring my friend to come in once a week to vacuum/mop has been such a blessing.
- I do my best to acknowledge that is what works for them but for us it is a bit different! Thanks for the post!
- Our church back in Las Vegas used to tell people that it was a place where "it's okay, to not be okay." So many people feel like they need to have it all together before they can belong. Lets keep this message going. Over and over again. Until all the moms really hear it. "It's okay, to not be okay."
So, please contribute with ideas for how we can remind ourselves that guilt if not good.
3 comments:
Coach k I have mothers guilt ALL the time!!! I see how wonderful she is and this past year I've had a lot of health issues and it KILLS me when I can't play with her when she ask!! She wants to play sports like me like soccer and basketball and I just haven't been able to an it kills me!!! She's a great kid and deserves the world and I hate when I can't give it to her!!! I see all these other moms or dads even playing with their children and I feel like a horrible mom!!! I hate when people take their kids for granted and its like oh not today maybe another day it's no biggie!! And I'm like Maddie is 5yrs old and I've seen how quickly time flys and I'm like I would give anything to be able to play with her!! Especially now knowing she will be my only one bcuz in not able to have another one!! So I have mothers guilt everyday and its good to know that other moms do!! But I've seen (and coach u r one of them) so many moms who make it look like its so easy being a mom and being able to spend time with your child or children!! Even though its nice to know that even though I think ur an awesome mom and that you still hve mothers guilt! It does help but I think every mom no matter what if they love their children and do spend as many moments as possible and love their children unconditionally they still will have it!! I've also been a single mom and that's not easy either!! But I eventually learned that yes u may hve to work 1 or 2 jobs or outrageous amounts of overtime, and you go without sleep sometimes just to make sure your child has everything they need and spending quality time with them but u still hve the guilt that its not enough! You have to realize your awesome and once your child is older they will realize ALL that you've done and thank you, bcuz they will remember all that you did for them and for them it meant everything!! So don't feel bad if u aren't able to do everything bcuz your only human and doing it by yourself isn't easy but you are still a great mom and as long as your child knows it that's all that matters!!!!
I think girls/women have been conditioned from earlu on to compare ourselves with our peers. Look at the fashion magazines, etc. I tell myself that Our Heavenly Father put these children in my arms because I am uniquely exactly what they needed! I trust He knew whAt he was doing. So...I seek input from people I know well and I always sift it through what I know to be truth. I'm not perfect, but there's only been one perfect human on this earth and they killed him for it! Grace, hard work, and love will get us through it all...together! Lynda
I feel like mom guilt is automatic. I think the very first day, the moment you realize that God has entrusted this beautiful little soul to your care, you naturally want to be the best parent possible. You worry about protecting them from harm, shielding them from the pain and heartache that life can hold, and raising them to be wonderful adults - not a short order! I think the guilt is a natural following of how much you love your child. It shows up as a desire to be perfect when, in reality, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Every child is different and I always tell parents that you can read every parenting book in the world, but your baby doesn't read the book. You need to be the best parent you can be and not worry about what other parents are doing. They are not parenting YOUR child. I always try to encourage parents that they're doing a great job and point out all the positive things they're doing. It is hard to combat the mom guilt though. I have a fair share of it myself. I miss my kids at work, it kills me when they are upset when they wake up in the morning and I'm not there. I worry that my daughter is not getting enough attention now that I've got my newborn needing constant attention. I worry that my son acts up at school occasionally and we struggle with defiance at home. I don't take my kids to the museum or the theater or the amusement park all the time, or I don't do enough fun activities or crafts with them, or I don't take them outside to play enough.
I work very close to where I live, so I see patients out and about all the time. Families come to me for advice about parenting, behavior concerns, etc. and then see my kids throwing a fit in the middle of Target. How can you not feel like you're doing something wrong or that other parents have everything together? What we present to the world are our successes. Who knows what the life of the "perfect mom" down the street is really like?
Anyway, I'm rambling now, but my conclusion, I guess, is that I think we all have some mom guilt, most of it needlessly. I think it is really tough to talk ourselves out of it, though, because it is a natural result of loving your children so much you want to be perfect for them. I think if you haven't ever gotten upset about your kids or felt like you weren't doing everything right, then you're probably not actually doing any parenting. We could all do better, but we could all do MUCH worse.
Just love your kids with all your heart, and the rest will fall into place.
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