Thank you to everyone who commented on yesterday's blog. What a great discussion ensued. I wanted to especially comment on the comment from Jen who wrote:
The other thing I don't like about those kind of comments is that it implies that the child who was adopted was some sort of bargaining chip, or that the adoptive parents had less than pure motives for doing the adoption. I hope children who were adopted are screened from those comments so they never have to feel like they were just a way for their parents to bide their time while they waited for what they really wanted.
I totally agree with Jen's comment! I actually included something similar in my original post and then deleted it because I did not know how to word it correctly. However, Jen, you wrote it perfectly. In addition to explaining it as a bargaining chip, I also thought that somehow, these comments imply that, "Well, your adoption is good, but just wait. The better is coming!"
When I look at Isaac, I don't see it that way at all. I am unable to explain how much JB and I love this little boy. In fact, we find ourselves saying what most parents say, "How could we possibly love this second child as much as we love Isaac? Isaac's the bomb!" He is just such a wonderful little boy. We do not feel, in any way, that he isn't just as important as any biological child we may have. This kid is awesome!
I do want to reiterate that I think it is very important that infertile/adoptive parents take these comments in stride and really, honestly, totally look at people's intentions. Unless you are meeting someone who has no desire to be educated or "get it" (an example would be my run in with the Doula on base last year. Click here to revisit this uncomfortable moment,) the majority of people want to "get it" and are trying. They want to be helpful. Look deeper. If you were to tell them that a particular comment hurt you, would they feel bad?! If the answer is yes, than their intentions are good. They haven't dealt with this and for most people this is an "unspoken" topic. (Thus my reason for starting this blog. Let's get educated people!)
I remember when my best bud Kristi was struggling to get pregnant with her first child. JB and I were not yet trying to have kids and not dealing with infertility. After we started struggling, I made a mental list of all the things I hated hearing and realized that I had said every single one of them to Kristi. Thank goodness Kristi saw my heart and not just my words. People want to help. They have your best interest in mind (everyone but the Doula that is). We need to work to educate each other and support each other.
Okay, so that's that. Enough on this topic, for now. I'm sure my heart will be lead to return at some point in the future. Thank you for everyone for understanding what I meant even if I didn't say it perfectly. I am blessed to have such wonderful people joining with us on this journey!
2 comments:
I am part of Hannah's Prayer, and I have loved reading your blog. I just read one of your posts from last October when you announced you would be parents in May of this year. So neat to see God working out everything for His good purpose! It will be so exciting when another part of your prayers from last October is answered when you adopt from China. And yet God also had your little February 2009 baby in mind since before the beginning of time. And Isaac. WOW. It is great that you have a written record for all time to refer to in future days when your children ask you about how God answers prayers.
I'm sitting inside listening to my two sons outside playing with their cousin. I can hear the youngest (bio) laughing with glee at the oldest (adopted).
Not only was it God's plan for Big Brother to be in our family, it was his plan for BB to be Little Brother's older sibling. It's a beautiful thing! It would just be a different kind of beautiful thing if the youngest was a girl, or adopted, had a special need, etc. His plan is perfect and our own usually stink! lol
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