Good memories

Sitting with discomfort

 Acceptance isn't feeling comfortable with uncertainty. It's making room for uncertainty without repeatedly trying to eliminate it.

This is the whole story. 

This summarizes everything I am working to learn right now. 

My entire life I avoided uncertainty by "checking in" on everyone and everything. I would mentally do a "run around" in my mind making sure there was nothing unsettled in my brain or my heart or anywhere. 

But those behaviors was actually running me into the ground. 

So now I am learning to sit in discomfort.

Someone doesn't text me back? 

Leave it. 

One of my kids seems frustrated at me?

Leave it. 

Leave it.

Leave it.

Leave it. 

That causes such incredible discomfort inside of me, and I am working so hard to allow it to be there and go about my life anyway. 

Each day there is a new whack-a-mole. A new thing yells at me and says, "Hey! Over here! What about ME? Maybe I am the problem? Let's perseverate on this one!" 

I am learning. 

Hardest journey of my life right here. 

But I am getting it. 

I can't control what other people think or feel. I also can't control what my children want or need or think or feel. 

I thought I could.

I cannot. 

I must allow other people to be where they are.

And be okay where I am. 

Father, You know how uncomfortable uncertainty feels to me. You know how desperately I want to make sure everyone is okay with me. My mind is telling stories, and they feel so real.

But Lord, I don't have to know everything. I don't have to manage everyone's feelings. I don't have to solve every possible problem.

Help me learn to rest in You while questions remain unanswered. Teach me that I can feel afraid without having to act on that fear.

When I want to reach for my phone, remind me that I can turn my attention back to the life You've given me.

I surrender what I cannot know and what I cannot control. Help me trust You with the people I love.

Amen.

 

MONDAYS are

co-op day. 

They are a BEAST of a day for me. 

The boys no longer attend our homeschool cooperative. Last year, Isaac still took a theatre class. But this year, neither boy is there.

Kinda sad. 

The girls are there full-time with me. Abigail is taking Anatomy, English, Government, Psychology, and Health. 

Hannah is taking General Science, English, and knitting. She also helps watching kids during her second hour.  

As for me: I am on the Board. And I am teaching two classes: a high school British literature and a middle school English.

It's a lot, but it's good. It's our community. And I really enjoy it.  

If you'd like to watch a short video of me teaching, you can do so here.  

Getting behind and updates

There is a lot going on in life. But as the kids get older, their stories become their own stories, and my story doesn't seem exciting. Here are some nuts and bolts of our lives:

• Isaac has plans to attend Liberty University in the Fall. He will enter as a sophomore.
• Sidge, is actually, considering attending Liberty as well. He would enter closer to a junior as he has been taking full-time college classes. 
• All three older kids are going to attend "College for a Weekend" at Liberty University during the first weekend of November. 
• We are processing chickens tomorrow. 
• We are watching Romancing the Stone this evening with John, me and the girls. 
• Isaac was cast in a great role in Taming of the Shrew. This will be in early December. 
• Isaac continue to take piano, voice, and guitar lessons. 
• Sidge seems to enjoy karate two nights a week.
• The girls are still doing ballet. 
• Abigail is actually teaching some ballet classes now. 
• Isaac is directing a Halloween play he wrote that is a little disturbing. 
• We are going to Isaac's birth mom's engagement party in November.  
• Work is busy for JB. Nights are harder as he gets older. 
• Homechool co-op continues to go well. I am the vice president of the BOD and am teaching two classes. 
• The two classes I am teaching at co-op take a LOT of time. I am contemplating whether I can do these again in the future.  
• I am continuing to heal. I feel like I am finally on a very good healing trajectory. I feel about 90% recovered. Being as this started in February of 2024 ... it has been a long journey.

Pancake Breakfast

Central Ballet hosted its yearly Pancake Breakfast. I snagged a few pictures from people:

My dear friend Cara Trantham (mother to four, but TWO dancers)

Abigail with some fellow dancers. From

Brown Belt

Sidge got his brown belt in karate this evening. He has one more belt before black belt!!

I wish ...

 ... to share my story.

And yet, it is like ... it is not quite time for the words to come.

Some day, they will come. 

And so for now, I keep on putting one foot in front of the other and keep healing from pain I did not know existed. 

What I know is one day I thought I was fine, and the next day God said, "It is time for you to heal."

And the healing began.

Coping mechanisms are interesting little things. Somehow they keep you alive even though you don't know they are a thing. I had no idea that I had created such an intricate web of coping. 

Somewhere in my life I decided that if I was the very nicest person imaginable, and I never confronted any behaviors, and I just let people walk over me if that was what it took, I would be totally fine for the rest of my life. 

I had no idea I believed that, of course. But I did. Somewhere deep inside me, I believed that. And I put that practice into action.

And then something happened:

First I watched two of my friends get into an argument. One of those friends was someone even nicer than I was. And the other friend was mad at her.

How could this be? I thought to myself. And I realized my strategy was flawed.

And then I myself watched someone decide that I was not worthy of repair. They decided that I had made a mistake too large for fixing. 

And that's when I knew my strategy was flawed. 

I had always manged to control situations and to convince people to talk to me and repair and fix things. 

But the Wendi that I was becoming knew that that behavior was actually not healthy. And so I allowed this person to walk away and did not try to "force" a repair. 

And it collapsed me.

Of course, there were other things happening simultaneously. A perfect storm is in fact a perfect storm. Many things all at once left my body frantically trying to find an equilibrium, and ultimately I realized, there was no equilibrium to be found ...

.... except ....

completely and utterly resting my head on Jesus's lap. I had to say to Him, "God, I have no idea what you are doing or why you are making me do this, but I surrender."

Please hear me clearly. I did NOT instantly surrender.

Honestly I spent many months (years?) fighting with God. I remember screaming at Him, "You have the power to save me and yet you leave me here!"

What was He thinking?

I am finally at a place in my journey that I can see what He was thinking.

He needed me to stop living for man.

He needed me to release all control.

He needed me to be able to sit in uncertainty.

He needed me to understand that discomfort would not kill me. 

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

(Ouch is putting it nicely. These lessons were beyond words painful to me!)

And if he fixed things INSTANTLY ... guess what Wendi would have done? She would have returned to her very-broken-coping-mechanisms nearly instantly.

And guess what else? For some reason, if you have a broken bone, people think: "Let's get you better." But if you have a broken heart or mind, Christians think: "There must be demons! This is spiritual!"

Listen, I'm telling you. This was not a Satanic attack. This was a JESUS INTERVENTION! He wanted me to live in FREEDOM!!!! 

I am not through it all. I am still learning. I am still being taught by the Lord. I believe this is because he has BIG plans for me. 

This past week I had to confront a difficult situation. I had to speak words I knew I should speak to someone that I knew would be painful. 

I felt God saying to me .... (He has said this A LOT to me on this journey) ... I felt God saying, "I don't want you to go jumping into the belly of the whale. Sometimes I call you to go to Ninevah."

So I prayed. And I swallowed my fear. And I spoke the words that I knew would hurt because I knew they needed to be said. 

Something "Old Wendi" was never able to do because the fear was too great. 

I am still learning. I am learning that I have my safe people. I have people (like my husband!) who will love me until the bitter end. But I may be abandoned by people again in the future.

Am I afraid? 

Will I be afraid?

For some of you reading this today, you are thinking: Seriously? Why are you so afraid of someone not liking you or being mad at you? This is silly. 

And yes, your FEAR may have nothing to do with people. Maybe you have medical anxiety. Maybe you have financial anxieties. Maybe you have existential anxieties. Maybe your fear is even crazier. Something far out there. Maybe in a crisis you push people away instead of running toward them like I did. 

It's ALL COPING! 

Listen: the fear comes from an old wound. Something caused me to be afraid of people. 

But I'm not going to live in that fear ANYMORE! 

Getting out is NOT easy. But God is teaching me that I can do hard things. I can live through hard moments. I can sit in pain and discomfort and not die. 

Fifteen years ago when the pain got too intense, I began medicating it with an anti-depressant. But eventually, the pain got too large for even that medicine. It came out in daily migraines that no doctor could find. It busted through. And no medicine could numb it anymore.

I never gave into alcohol or drugs. But I used other things: being busy, taking care of people, helping ... controlling. My drugs of choice.

Maybe you don't relate to these words at all. That's okay. Maybe this message isn't for you.

But if this message is for you, you aren't alone. Jesus loves you. He loves you SOOOO much. He loved me so much, he couldn't leave me on the path of self-destruction that I was traveling.

He is still doing work in me.

I imagine it won't ever be done. 

I continue to try to do as He says and follow His steps for my life. 

One step at a time. 

Dollywood Day

Yesterday we went to Dollywood with our entire family -- minus Sidge. We hadn't been in quite some time. Sidge just isn't an amusement park guy so he didn't want to go. We were specifically going for Hannah's 13th birthday (which was a few weeks ago.) It used to just be Abigail and Hannah who rode the coasters, but now, Abigail does too. I also rode coasters! I rode Mystery Mine, Firechaser, Barn Stormer (twice), and Dragon Fly. Then I felt sick and stopped. :) We had a fun day together as a family. 

Japanese Students

My Aunt Jan is teaching eight Japanese students through Tusculum University. On Saturday, they came to the farm for a tour. It was short and sweet, and Jan got some photos for us:

Isaac plays Jesus

Hannah turns 13

I have never thrown a surprise party. But I did it! I pulled it off. We invited some of Hannah's friends to meet at THE FACTORY ADVENTURE in downtown Greeneville for a fun afternoon of pizza and cupcakes and hang out time. It was great! I now, officially, have four teenagers. 

Nala and Brianna (two new friend)

The surprise group team: Braianna, Ezri, Zoey, Nala, Genevieve, Hannah, Jada, Piper, Marley, Quinn, Annabell, Avalynna

Liberty Camp

From Adam Young

 

Every person has been wounded—and your wound is not only in the past.
The ways your heart was harmed—through cruelty, absence, or the silence of someone who should have shown up—didn’t simply disappear with time. Those wounds have shaped the way you learned to live. Your drivenness, your walls, your need for control, your inability to rest—these tendencies have grown in the soil of your pain. 

Your wound can become the place where you are held captive.
Isaiah 61 draws a direct connection between a broken heart and captivity. Whatever you have built your life around to protect yourself from being wounded again can slowly become the thing that keeps you bound. Jesus was sent to bind up the brokenhearted and set the captives free. That's very good news for people with a history of trauma. 

Healing begins with naming—and then grieving.
You cannot heal what you will not acknowledge. Naming your wound is not about blame; it is about honesty. And once you name it, healing requires something that is often harder: to feel your unfelt feelings. To enter the grief. To sit with the sorrow instead of running from it.  

Our farm beauty

Mannn ...

.... too much time is going by when I don't post! I'm really going to try and post more often.

I think the hard thing continues to be that my kiddos don't want me telling all about their live. So then it is like, what do I tell about. 

Here are some highlights of our recent life:

• Isaac got his wisdom teeth out. Needed to do this at the hospital due to his allergy.
• We are about to start Week 3 of homeschool. The two classes I am teaching are taking a LOT of time for me to grade all the things.
• The boys start their college classes on Monday. Sidge is taking 16 or so hours at Walters State. However, they will all be at the Morristown campus. Isaac is taking one liberty class and one Walters State. They are both doing Algebra II with John at home.
• The girls are now taking all their classes, minus math, at the co-op. I am teaching their English classes. (And for Hannah, I am teaching an English/History/Bible combo). 
• I am still the Vice President of the Heritage Board. 
• Work is chugging along for JB.  

2026-2027 School Year

 

Today was the first day of the 2026-27 school year at our homeschool cooperative: Heritage Home Scholars. I am on the Board and teach two English classes -- a middle school English (which Hannah is in) and a British Literature (which Abigail is in.)

Abigail is a sophomore. This is probably her last year at Heritage. Hannah is a 7th grader! How can that be!?

The boys no longer attend the cooperative at all. Sidge is taking full-time college classes at Walters State Community College and taking Algebra 2 at home with Dad. He'll graduate high school with his AA. He is a senior.

Isaac is taking two classes with Liberty online, one at the local community college, and doing Algebra 2 at home. He is also doing a lot of theatre and training at the Blair Academy in Johnson City in voice and piano. He is also a senior.

Time goes so fast ....

Robbie Couch

 

Our elderly neighbor, Robbie, went home to Jesus this last week. She leaves behind her sister, Faye, whom she has lived with her entire life. Her daughter, Kim and her are celebrating in heaven I am sure. Kim passed away about a year after we moved here to the farm (back in about 2016). 

Vermont

A few tears

I continue to learn. 

And I continue to dream of "feeling" like myself again.

And yet I am reminded, often, that Old Wendi is gone. She served her purpose. She did a good job. But she isn't coming back. She can't come back. 

And so I wait. 

In this sort of difficult middle. 

For the "new Wendi" to appear. 

This week was a little tough. My mentor in the program I am in resigned unexpectedly. In addition, I got called back for some repeat medical testing. Chances are very good it'll be fine, but it's unnerving. In addition, one of the Couch sisters, our neighbors out here on the farm, finally lost her battle to cancer. 

When my mentor departed, I felt sad. And I immediately saw old Wendi knocking on the door. "Hey. Don't be sad. Sadness hurts. Let's skip that. Can we?"

But new Wendi knows that skipping emotions isn't good. I can't bypass them spiritually either. I need to feel them. I am sad Parag left the program. I am grieving his departure. 

If I am being honest, I think I am grieving other things too. My boys are seniors now. They don't need me anymore. The season that they needed me is in the past. They'd like me to not mother them at all. And that's what I am trying to do.

But I miss the little boys that I got to be a Mama for and sometimes wish I could go back and do it all again and slow down time and soak up every single minute. 

I love my kiddos. And I'm sad that they are growing up. And happy at the same time. 

Sigh ... continuing to heal and grow over here in TN! 

 

Wedding!

These were two quick snaps of Jonathan and Amelia Bowlin’s wedding!