One of the BIG things I have been working on is how to stop destructive thought loops that I get sucked into. Mine almost always have to do with someone being upset at me or with worry about my kids and their futures -- things I cannot control. Recently, I stumbled upon and old lecture in my online recovery group (Bye Bye Panic) that really resonated with me. It was presented by my mentor, Parag. I really wanted to write down the things he said because thought loops have been a huge thing for me.
We don't have to continue to live in these loops. That was an incredible concept for me when I learned it. You mean I don't have to keep perseverating over the same thing over and over again? I thought the only way to stop doing that was to take an SSRI.
Wrong.
You can get out of them! You really can!
Understanding Your Loops
The loops are the same for everyone but what catches us is the CONTENT or the BAIT. None of your experience is random. When you are inside of a loop, it is very hard to see it. You start to recognize and see that you are in a LOOP by using the ALARM method.
Acknowledge: I acknowledge the thought. Oh there it is.
Label: Yep. Good ol' bait trying to catch me again.
Allow: Fine, you can be there. But I'm not going to engage with you.
Refocus: I am going to go back to what I was doing and not lay there thinking about this thought all day.
Move on: Time for something else please. I'm not messing with that.
Right now it may feel like something new is happening to you. But that is what is tripping us up and keeping us stuck. It's actually the same loop repeating in different forms. When you start to see that, you stop reacting like it needs to be solved.
It feels real. It feels like truth. This is because it has been rehearsed thousands of times (unknowingly and unintentionally). We've practiced this pattern so much, now it just fires automatically.
Sensation --> Urge --> Thought --> Reaction
It feels real because we've practiced it so many times. And so it feels like truth. This is the efficiency of how our minds are designed.
This isn't a thinking problem. This is a REFLEX. This is why engaging with the thought doesn't work. You outgrow it by not participating in it anymore. What it feels like is that your brain has created a shortcut. Every time something similar happens, it runs the program automatically. Every time you react like it is a real fire, you actually reinforce the thought.
We believe the thought is beyond noise. We believe it is real and factual.
What is a loop?
Something triggers you. Your mind spins some sort of story around it. Your body sends noise that matches the story (adrenaline). And then we react. And it is that reaction that reinforces it. And that is the loop.
The bait is the specific thing your mind knows will hook you: a relationship, your job, your sanity, your health etc. It's never a random thing. It goes after something you care about like your character or your life or your children.
Start taking the opportunity to gently reflect and not overthink this. This is not a test. You are just identifying the moment things started to shift in your state the last time you felt intense activation. You want to keep it simple and factual. We don't need to analyze it. We just need to identify the moment things started to shift.
The content of the thought is the hook. It is the hook that pulls us into our loop. When that happens, a story shows up. This is the story that your mind adds. What if thoughts. Fear based thoughts. It is gearing you up to start to respond or solve or figure it out.
Can you start noticing what story showed up? And then, look to your body. What did you feel in your body? Did you heart rate increase? Did you feel dizziness or nausea? This is your nervous system matching the energy of the thought and the story that is being spun by your mind from this sensitized state. And ... what did you do next? What is your reaction?
You don't want to fix it or avoid it or by engaging with the thought. Your reaction teaches something to your system. "Yes, focus on this. Analyze this. Do something about this." Every reaction teaches your brain something. This is how the loop gets stronger and the system keeps firing the same loop again and again and again.
This is where clarity starts to emerge. Try filling out this chart below:
Trigger:
Thought:
Sensation:
Reaction:
Reinforcement:
Here is a sample of what I might fill it out with:
Trigger: I am reminded of someone who doesn't like me.
Thought: I need to fix this somehow.
Sensation: Body gets "activated" and I feel that tingling all over my body.
Reaction: I really need to fix this. I must try to make this better.
Reinforcement: Who can I text, call, write, to make this better?
This is how you start separating yourself from the loop. This is how you separate yourself from the story. This happens for all of us.
The goal is not to STOP the loop. We want to see it CLEARLY for what it is. And then we consciously CHOOSE to not engage with it anymore. This is how we start rewiring -- weakening the loop and creating a new one.
Any given moment you are either FEEDING the loop or you are STARVING the loop. You can even PAUSE when you are in the middle of an activation and ask yourself: "Am I feeding the loop or starving the loop?"
In the moment, recognize the loop. My nervous system is making NOISE. Allow the sensations to be there. Learning to coexist with the noise and consciously choosing to note engage with the thoughts and to continue with what we were doing in the present moment.
It will feel uncomfortable. But UNCOMFORTABLE IS NOT UNSAFE!
Watch, next time this happens, how fast your mind tries to pull you in. Once per day is probably enough. You don't need to perfect this or get frustrated with this. Just practice noticing when you have an experience, after it passes, take a few minutes and map out your lap. You are building AWARENESS. Once you start seeing the loop clearly, you start to see it clearer and clearer and more space is created and you are not automatically, reflexively engaging. You are therefore weakening the loop. Repetition by repetition.
Don't over-analyze your loop. Don't judge what comes up. There is not a perfect way to do this. This is about seeing clearly. WE ARE JUST BUILDING AWARENESS.
Disengaging from the loop is how we respond in real time. The next step is learning to RESPOND DIFFERENTLY WHEN IT HAPPENS. This is rewiring in real time.
Are you feeding it or starving it?
You just gently return to what is in front of you. It will feel wrong because you are opting out of a pattern you practiced for SO LONG. It will feel like: "Is this working?" or "Am I doing this right?"
In the past, we often practiced THE FIVE F's:
Fight, Focus, Fear, Frustration, and Fixing I've got that thought. I want to fight that thought. I want to focus on that thought. I fear that thought. I get frustrated by that thought. Or I want to fix that thought.
But we don't want to REACT anymore. We want to ALLOW the thought. The observation of our own loops creates choice. When you see this is a loop, you create separation and now you have choice!
Recognize this is a loop!
It is the same loop!
This creates separation from the fear of your experience!
Now let's bring it back to truth.
It's uncomfortable. It's unpleasant. But it's not dangerous. Let the heart race. Let the sensations be there. There is no real threat!
Don't engage in the story. The mind is throwing more thought bait at you. You don't have to notice it.
Let the thought pass like background noise. Bring your attention back to what you were doing.
Step out of the loop.
Step into life.
This teaches safety. Every time you respond this way, you teach your nervous system that THERE IS NO DANGER!
It will feel uncomfortable. That is expected. Uncomfortable is not unsafe. And that distinction is very important.
If there is any part of you that is doing this to "feel better", you are still in the loop. "Is this working? Am I doing this right?" That's just another loop. That's more noise and more bait. That's engagement. That's stepping back inside the loop.
The goal is not to feel better. The goal is to opt out and reengage with what is in front of you.
You don't need to be fearless. Just be willing to feel and not abandon yourself. Lead yourself gently through the noise. The more consistent you are, the system feels safer and safer to follow your actions.
Are you engaging in the loop or are you engaging in life? (Am I resisting or am I allowing?)
Engagement can be very subtle or very obvious. Don't analyze, check, monitor or do any of the Five F's. Just gently move on. The shift is not forcing. It's not avoidance. It's gently bringing your attention back to life. You are learning to coexist with the noise. We are not trying to get rid of it or push it away. We are letting it be there as we gently move forward.
Observation creates space.
Each time you don't engage, you teach your brain "This isn't important."
This is where CHANGE HAPPENS!
You don't STOP THE LOOP ... you STARVE THE LOOP!
THIS IS HOW WE REWIRE!
Take a moment to map out your loops and slowly start to recognize them. Notice how you get baited by the content and how it pulls you into your loop. And then the loop reinforces and goes round and round. The only other choice is to step out and live again. This is how we rewire ourselves.
