EMDR

 

I have mentioned on my Blog that I have done (and may continue to do) EMDR in my counseling sessions. I thought I would take some time to discuss that what has meant for me in this healing journey I have been on for six-ish months. 

I know there are some people reading my posts who are traveling a similar journey. Or maybe they are just battling depression. Or maybe anxiety. I want to offer some perspective and knowledge and normalcy if I can.

I am unable to put into words what this therapy/counseling has meant for my life. Honestly, I feel that I have been reborn. I feel like I have a whole new lease on life. It almost feels like at the end of this six month quagmire of horrificness, I am a NEW PERSON. 

An example: 

I have struggled my entire life with _________. You put the "thing" that you struggle with in that blank. For me, it was/is people-pleasing. 

This isn't just "I need to make people happy." This is debilitating anxiety about keeping people happy. This is crumpling up in a ball if I think someone is judging me. And these judgments can be the most random, weird, strange things. One time, someone made a comment about our sheep and I worried she wouldn't be my friend anymore. (Yes, you read that right.) I would worry that if my dog barked at people, they'd get upset and not want to come back to my house. If I said "no" to someone, would they stop being my friend. The list goes ON and ON. 

I honestly sometimes just tried to get rid of the thing in order to get rid of the feeling. I literally wanted to get rid of my Scrubby. Or just get rid of my sheep. I would do anything to try to get "that feeling" to go away.

Of course, it's very obvious that what I was trying to do was not actually sustainable or even possible. And when I became a parent and had four children, I certainly couldn't compete with what people thought of my children. How can I keep everyone "okay" now?!?

Here's the thing. This is/was more than just a minor thing. This isn't like "I really dislike when someone cooks broccoli because the smell bothers me." This was debilitating. People would tell me not to care. Just let it roll off of me. BUT I COULD NOT.

Fast forward six months. I've been in counseling nearly weekly. And I have a small situation occur at my homeschool cooperative. It was nothing I did. Just a passing comment from a frustrated person, probably not even directed at me. 

They said it, and I walked away, totally unfazed. And I stood there thinking, "Really? That's it? I'm not affected? How can that be?" I was in shock. That horrid feeling that I have lived with my whole life was GONE. 

How did that happen? Well, Kim and I had gone back to some of my earliest memories of dealing with people. And then we used EMDR. This may sound weird or non-Christian, but I'm telling you it is not weird at all. It is not hypnosis. You do not lose control of your body. You simply revisit the memory and work through it again so that it is filed into your brain in a different way. 

In short: these memories were stored in my brain as TRAUMA. They were stored in my brain as if I had witnessed a horrific crime. And so, every time a repeat event occurred, my brain tried to protect me. Imagine opening up your scalp and patting your brain on the top of it's "head" and saying, "Bless it's heart." My brain is trying. It is saying: 

Wendi, watch out. There is something really bad occurring here. Get out of this situation. Do anything to fix it. You could die. This is really bad. WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

Now this would be fine for my brain to do if there was a BEAR! Or my child was in danger. But that wasn't what this was. This was really minor things that were making me think something really bad was happening. 

I will write more about this but let me end today by saying the following:

If you are battling anxiety, it has come FROM SOMEWHERE. It is occurring for a reason. Sure, Jesus can help. Sure, he can do a miracle. Sure, this can get better without counseling but .... I doubt it. Honestly. I don't mean to make Jesus sound incapable. But I really think he wants to get to the root of what is causing this fear of man. THERE WAS A REASON. No amount of saying, "I need to trust in Jesus" could help alleviate that horrible feeling I had. I could maybe talk myself off a cliff. But the cliff would emerge again another day. 

Please ... SEEK HELP! There are many places that will work with your income bracket. Find a therapist! At the very least, buy the book I have put a picture of at the top of this post. It actually teaches you how to implement some of the practices on your own, without a therapist. (Although I really think that I needed a "guide" to help me get as far as I did.)

I wish someone would have explained to me when I was 20 or 30 what the anxiety I was feeling was from. I wish they would have told me that this wasn't because I was prideful or didn't trust Jesus enough. This was a mis-wiring that had occurred in my brain due to some things that happened to me as a child. 

Sometimes this mi-wiring can happen completely inadvertently. No one actually has to be at fault. For example, say you are five years old and in your house during a storm. The storm is so loud that your parents don't hear you crying and you think you are all alone. Your parents did not intentionally harm you. But somehow, your brain took in something and created a narrative that wasn't completely accurate. 

The next storm occurs and panic ensues. The parent doesn't know how to help, and suddenly you are down a rabbit hole of fear and anxiety related to something that was purely accidental in nature. 

This is not about BLAME. I am not blaming anyone (even the bully that really ransacked my life during middle school.) I am simply NAMING what occurred so I can heal from it. 

There is FREEDOM!!!!!!