365 Days of Rest #29

I feel like I have made it through this hard six months. I know there will still be some light dips, but I do think the worst of it is behind me. 

However, even still, even if I feel like I have traveled through the worst of it, I have to purposefully take care of myself. I need lots of rest. I need lots of quiet time. I need prayer. I need coloring. I need contemplation. I need the outdoors.

It's so interesting that a few months ago, in the throngs of depression, the days felt S-O-O-O-O-o-o-o lonnnnnnng. They never ended. And now, I don't have enough down-time to do all the things for ME that I want to do. I feel like years of guilt for sitting and coloring or reading or just relaxing stopped me from often just allowing myself to B-E.

But now I am enjoying the B-E so much. 

I'm also having other moments where I can literally FEEL the FREEDOM that this journey is bringing to me. This past Monday we returned to co-op. First day of school underway. In the course of the morning, there was one tiny little glitch in my day. A thing that happened that I didn't want to happen but did. And a comment someone made about it. However, that comment would have made old Wendi freak out. Either I would have to be on an anti-depressant to stop the guilt or I would have to go up to the person and check in with them fifty times to make sure they weren't mad at me. 

But I didn't do those things. And I didn't feel the compulsion to do those things. I simply said, "Oh, well, that's a bummer." I knew that I didn't owe anyone an apology. I knew that I had handled things correctly. And I was able to move onward and upward with little to no issue at all.

MY

GOSH

DOES

THAT

FEEL

LIKE: 

 

I have spent nearly my entire life in a dungeon of anxiety and worry and compulsion and needing to do things to stop those uncomfortable feelings. And now, I don't have to do that anymore. The thing is: I always thought that if I got right with God or I stopped worrying what people thought, or if I had less pride, I would be able to stop those things. But in the end, this wasn't about ME being able to FIX this. This was about Jesus orchestrating the right people in my life at the right time to help me REWIRE my brain.

It's so exciting!