I love that JB works in the ER. But I do not love that he has to work a lot of Sundays. Going to church by myself with all four kids is soooo much work. I feel like from the moment I wake up on Sunday I am preparing to try to get us all out the door with everything we need and back home without losing my mind.
I should note that I am well organized. I have everything ready to go. The kids are well behaved. It's just that I still have to maneuver four little people out the door, looking half-way decent, and see them to their classes, and check on their behavior, and gather all the things they drew and brought, and then get us all back in the car, back in the house, and back into play clothes.
It's a lot for JB and I when we do it together.
By myself it just feels like the load is too big.
I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm not sure how to fix it. It's just so exhausting, despite how good the kids are. I feel like I am just crabby and short with everyone, and I can't help but thinking, "Is this worth it?" I know church is important, but I'm just not sure I can do this every week without my husband with me.
I know I am not the first wife to face church alone -- either because her husband is deployed, working, or not a Christian.
If anyone has some encouragement for me, I'd love to have it. I'm weary right now, and debating just throwing in the towel and only going to church when JB is off -- at least until the kids are a bit older.
10 comments:
Um...no solution, as I often have to do that myself. Just sometimes knowing someone else is in your "club" helps. The only smidge of advice is to befriend another mom that goes it alone and sit together. For me, sitting with someone helps. It is a bit easier to find a mom going it alone in a military community though since we always go it alone.
Another thing...and this comes from being the patient...sometimes it is so hard when we need our hubbies when someone else does at the same time. I have learned to ask myself...does my need of my hubby trump the life he may be saving right now? It humbles me, because my answer is always no. Unfortunately, I have been the one that needed the ER doc and the radiologist because I was in fact dying. By them working odd hours, my life was saved twice, and my children still have a mom. Their wives had to sacrifice while they were caring for me. That humbles me greatly, and allows me the ability to absorb more than I normally would.
Our hubbies chose a profession with the ability to do great things. By default, despite our degrees, our profession is now as support roles played to theirs. I choose to do the best at my job that I can.
That's a tough one... my suggestion is to just give it up for now unless you are really feeling up to the challenge...in my opinion, spirituality is something that should be positive- uplifting, encouraging, fulfilling, etc. it sounds like going it alone with four kids is not exactly bringing you those feelings... It wouldn't bring me those feelings, either.
Maybe there's something else; a different solution? We don't really go to church, but we do seek out ways to find fulfillment, rest, and peace in other ways. We try to do things as a family (when possible) that everyone gets fulfillment from. For us, it's like a day at the beach or local nature park, a family bike ride, working in the garden, etc.
I don't think "church" always has to be "church"... In the stereotypical, Sunday morning sense. I often say to my family when we are at the beach that, "This is my church". I know you guys already do lots of family, outdoorsy things, since you live on a farm, but I'm sure you get what I'm saying... Find another way to do your church for now, and return when you're ready and able. God knows your heart... I'm sure he'd be cool with it. ��
You could "Do Church" at home. You, Isaac and Sidge read from the Bible and sing some songs and maybe put them in their play clothes and take a nature walk and have a picnic. Or maybe you could find a teenager at church who could help you out when you get there, such as helping you get them to their respective classes and maybe help you pick them and get them to the car.
Karen
Queen ... I totally appreciate your comment and I agree. It is hard to feel like we are "on the back burner" even though we actually aren't. I think that is part of what I struggle with on Sunday.
Susie ... I absolutely agree. I never watch to go to church for some sort of legalistic "principle" ... I want to go because I want to worship and BE PRESENT there. I am leaning toward lessening our attendance a bit. Going whenever JB is home, taking a week off otherwise, and maybe asking Grampa and Grama to hop over with me to our church and skip their's one time a month. Something like that.
Karen ... Yep. This is where I am leaning. The kids are actually OK at church. They have good behavior and listen but I am still constantly trying to see where they are, etc. so maybe someone to help would also be good.
You need to give yourself lots of grace, and constantly remind yourself that this is just a season...that you have four small children. You may always have many Sundays without JB, but four little ones, even well behaved, is a lot. When they get older and more self-sufficient, it will be much easier. Thank goodness for technology, you can always find a good sermon to listen to, and do something simple with the kids for "church" at home.
Maybe you could find a streaming sermon to watch at home. It probably wouldn't feel the same, but you can still be present in worship and feel less stressed about it. You could still attend your church when others are available to help, but maybe a streaming sermon would be a good backup plan for days you are by yourself, or days that just aren't going well! I know... it will probably be more overwhelming to choose yet another church, but it might just be worth it.
And after typing all that, I just noticed that Tracye basically said the same thing! So to continue repeating what others have said :) , try not to be too hard on yourself. The solution you decide upon will be made with good intentions and you'll find something that works for you for now. And if you find it isn't working, you can always change it up! Whatever you decide, I hope you are able to find some relief!
shannon
Wendi,
For me, it's a ton of work getting to church, but once I get the littlest ones in nursery, I feel like it's a "break" for me for an hour. We take Kaia and thor to big church with us now, but I will often put them all in class for an hour while I go worship by myself when Hans is working. It honestly seems like a break, even though it's a lot of work to get to that break! Make sense? Same thing for the gym...twice a week it's a huge effort to get there, but it's totally worth it for that hour of "me" time.
Hugs!
Rach
Yes, totally makes sense Rachel. JB and I talked about it and he reminded me that I do LOTS of things with all 4 kids that is tough but I choose to do because I want to do them. Church is no different. I'm with you.
Over the last few years, I've felt like I've been "pushed" to do a lot of things that I really didn't want to do. Going to church, regularly, with all the kids, many times on my own, is one of them. I balked, complained, etc, over the years, but I can honestly say, that after close to 5 years of this, with few breaks, that I'm now glad I did it. Not to say I never missed, or even wished I hadn't gone that day (lots of those), but over all, I would say that for the kids and for me, and for my husband, it's been worth it - to push on, to do the hard thing. I'm not at the end of our journey, but there have been rewards that I couldn't see at the beginning or in the middle, that I can see now.
All of that said, I don't think that everyone's road is supposed to be the same, and I can see why people wouldn't take the same road as I did, and I don't think one is more right than the other. Just that it's been worth it for me.
Steph
I'm new to going to church and it was a great break when they had nursery for the 3 and 2 year old and I would worship with the baby... The last two times the nursery wasn't open so the first time I went in with all 3 and I pretty much sweat and wrangled the whole time and got nothing out of it. This last Sunday I got everyone ready and out the door and it was closed again. I loaded everyone up and went home. After the previous time with all three, sweating and feeling like I was on the verge of tears (and they're so young!) I couldn't do it again. I feel like I'm losing church before I even have the chance to start. I am totally with you. It's draining and really challenging.
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