Adoption question (finally) answered

It was many moons ago now that someone asked me in a comment on my blog about adoption. They were asking why we think it is important that Isaac knows he is adopted. Why we are telling him. Why knowing his birth mother is important. That kind of thing.

I believe the individual who asked me this question was from somewhere outside the U.S. I know that our friend Bara, who is from Syria, had many questions about adoption when he came to visit us at Eglin shortly after Isaac was born.

I bring that up because adoption is viewed very differently in different parts of the world. For instance, Bara admitted to us that while there are orphanages in Syria, he is not aware that anyone actually adopts children out of these orphanages. Blood is extremely important and adoption is not really an offered option for individuals unable to have children. Bara said that he is sure people have adopted within Syria, but it was not done very obviously. And most likely the child would not ever be told they were adopted.

And that's just one country. Each country has different expectations, viewpoints, and laws, when it comes to adoption.

Years ago, and by years I mean when I was a child, the majority of adoptions were closed. By closed I mean that the child had no contact with his birth parents and that the adoptive parents never met the birth parents. Oftentimes the adoption was facilitated through a third party like a lawyer or an agency and any communication between the child and the birth family was organized through the agency. Once the child is of legal age, they can go back to that lawyer or agency and request information on their birth family. But contact could only occur if both parties were interested.

An example. Bri was adopted in 1990. Joan and Roy have some basic details in regards to her birth parents but do not know them or where to find them. If Bri wanted to find her birth parents, she could go to the lawyer and request contact. But that contact would only be approved if her birth parents wanted contact as well.

Over the last two decades, adoption has changed. Much research has been done to indicate that adoptions which are more open in nature can be more beneficial for the child. Most adoptions now a days are either "semi-open" or "fully open."

An example of a semi-open adoption would be that of my friend Brittney. They adopted their daughter Jocelyn. They receive gifts from Jocelyn's birth family but those gifts come through the adoption agency. They have a generic email account that they can send updates through.

A fully open adoption is one like we have with Bri. In our case, adopting Bri's son would have to be fully open since we already were so closely connected. I couldn't very well pretend I didn't know Bri's last name or where she lived and that sort of thing. But many people have fully open adoptions with people they do not know well.

I have decided that explaining how this works and feels to anyone outside of the situation is virtually impossible. Prior to adopting Isaac, JB and I were amongst those who couldn't comprehend this relationship. That's why we were adopting through China. In the case of China, the children are already given up when they begin the adoption process. They have no information on their birth parents and therefore you don't have to negotiate the birth parent relationship with these adoptions.

When the option to adopt Isaac was presented to us, we wondered how it would feel to adopt a little boy from a girl we know so closely. I really think Bri is the only one we would have done this with. She was already like my little sister and our families were already so close that creating this bond felt nearly like a normal extension. Since we knew her so well, we didn't feel that we'd have to "force" a relationship with her. We already had a relationship with her. Many of my friends have adopted and fostered relationships with women they did not know prior to the adoption occurring. I have not heard of a negative experience from any of my friends.

But now that we have done it, all I can say is that it works. Isaac is adopted. In his case I feel that to not tell him that would be to lie to him. It would be to not fully tell him who he is. In his case, he looks a lot like us. But what if he didn't? We are a product of the DNA that we are born with. Isaac's DNA is different. And I am glad it is.

We feel that Isaac knowing he is adopted from the very beginning is integral to who he will be as an adult. We don't want to drop a bombshell on him and rock his whole world. We want him to know, from the onset, who he is in his genes. We want him to know where he came from.

Of course, who he becomes is more than just DNA. Environment and leadership and discipline will play a role in his life as well.

Here is the thing. Isaac is our son. When we sat in front of the judge, the judge said to us that the law will now look at him like our blood. That he is entitled to all of the benefits any biological child we may have in the future is entitled to. Isaac's birth certificate now has my name on it. It has John's name on it. The law sees him as much our son as Elijah is.

And he is.

Many people wonder how it feels to "share" a child with someone else. Honestly, it feels great. Isaac is who he is because he is Bri's son. He has the looks and smile and personality of two individuals outside of JB and me. It's important to us that he knows that. And it is okay that we are "sharing" him. Without his birth parents, Isaac wouldn't be here. Without his birth parents, we wouldn't have him as our son. He wouldn't call us Dad and Mom.

What really makes a mother? Isaac hurt his foot during dinner at Joan and Roy's the other night. He went running around the table, passed everyone by, and jumped into my arms. I am his mom. I am "mommy." That is a gift that Bri gave me that nothing can change.

Not even blood.

I am so blessed that Bri chose me. I feel undeserving of this gift.

I hope this answers your question anonymous reader. It's a good one. But a hard to explain in words. If anyone of you out there, adoptive moms especially, could help explain in the comments, I would love to have additional input for this post.