365 Days of Rest #18

I know where I am today. I’m sitting by the lake. The hours are just inching by. I’m not online. I’m not on my phone. I’m reading frivolous magazines or writing it coloring or reading silly books and remembering: 

Don’t ever forget

Self-care isn't a bad word

Love your neighbor as yourself.

An easier question: How are you doing at loving your neighbor?

And here's a harder question: how are you doing at loving yourself? 

This question can get a little controversial in nature because, as Christians, we are constantly reminded to be loving others. 

Reach out.

Be kind.

Turn the other cheek. 

Share.

Give.

Why isn't the church reminding us to take care of ourselves? Because: to do that is to be selfish. We shouldn't spend too much time thinking about ourselves. Don't look inward for too long. Help the widows. Help the orphans. 

Yes to all that. But sacrifice yourself? Put yourself ... last? NO!

Selfishness: Isn't that what the millennials and University students are busy doing now? Taking days off for self-care. Mental health must be a priority. We tease these young people for needing to be cautious about their "trauma" and "triggers."

And yes, some of those humans are ridiculous. Truth. But, in general, I feel like I spent my life not understanding how to take care of myself. Am I caring about others? Am I serving? Am I helping? Am I caring?

Go to bed at night and mentally check off the boxes for my care for everyone else. But what about some boxes of self care.

What about loving my neighbor as much as myself. 

Are you loving YOURSELF?

Chances are, you, like me, are not. Even to say that is a bit scary. I do NOT want to be selfish. At all. We put everyone before ourselves. We run ourselves ragged to keep up in this world. We take care of our spouse and our children and our church community and the elderly. But sit down and just BE? Sit down and just REST?

Who has time for that?

Well, I do. Or, I'm trying to make time. I am learning to do that. I'm learning to move slower. To sit more. To color. To rest. To read. To BE. That means I am saying no to things that I want to do. Things that I would love to do. And even things I probably should do. Or things I am telling myself I should do.

For me these steps are small. They are laying in the hammock when I think I should clean my bathroom. They are taking a nap even though we have company. They are lingeringly taking a walk through the hill son my farm when the weather is perfect and the sun is just setting. They are being with God, at all times. Not just at the time that I take out my Bible to "spend time with him."

This is a journey I am on. And I know, as my tank fills, the ability to remember these things will be even hard to remember. 

But for today ... self-care.

It isn't a bad word.

Tuesday Truth

365 Days of Rest #17

I wish I had a picture of the nap I took on the grass at the cabin on Saturday afternoon. Seventy degrees. Perfection. I've found that a "Squish Mallow" makes an unbelievable pillow. (It has the absolute perfect amount of buoyancy!) I continue to move slowly. Rest a lot. Watch the Olympics. Stay off my phone. This is our family's very favorite place to be.

The Father Sermon

FATHER

This sermon above came my way via my cousin Cara. This is her church in Knoxville (albeit this is not her regular pastor). 

This sermon went nearly exactly with what I wrote about in the previous post! I absolutely love it! I’ll be listening to this many times!!

Biblical Illustrations

I recently purchased this ILLUSTRATION BIBLE for myself. (I also got one for my Abigail.)

This allows for tons of space to write notes in the margins for myself. I LOVE IT!

(Side note: I've never been able to read my Bible like a regular person. I can't quite explain it, but I get distracted and start to zone out. I have found that doodling, writing, copying scripture, etc. is the best way for me to write in my Bible. I always thought something was "wrong" with me. But I am realizing, this is how God made me!)

I'm taking the week off of my phone while relaxing in Vermont, but I am still emailing a few people and Blogging. My Cousin Cara sent me this scripture (above) and I took notes of it in my new Bible. Cara challenged me to try and recite this verse every single day. And I want to try and teach my kids to say this to themselves too.

Cara, I accept the challenge!

I just, truly, never understood the depth of God's love for me. (I still don't think I really do if I'm being honest.) God's love was always conditional to me. I don't think this was purposefully taught to me. I think it's human nature to feel we have to do something to receive people's love. So why would God be any different? 

This is a combination of nature and nurture. My personality (I'm an ESFG and Enneagram 2 if you are interested) is a do-er. We are the "helper." We want to DO. We want to HELP. And somewhere in the midst of that, my identity became what I could do instead of who I am.

In order to truly experience this, I've had to move back to ground zero in my fellowship with the Lord. I am not expecting anything from myself each morning ... each evening. 

Because God isn't expecting it either. 

There is nothing I have to read or have to study or have to pray. There is simply allowing God to hold my hand and lead me through each day. 

My cousin Cara has been my "right-hand-man" on this healing journey for me. She has traveled a similar (albeit, in my opinion, harder journey). Cara said to me that one of her "Ah-ha" moments during her years of battle was when she realized: "If all I could do is lay there and drool, God would still love me just the same."

REALLY?

This was an incredible image to me. I knew it had to be true. There are some humans, including little Brant VanWyck (whom I babysat for in my early teens) that were disabled. He couldn't read his Bible or even pray. Didn't God love him just as much? Why was I any different? Why did I think I had to perform in order to earn God's love.

When I told my friend Kelsey I couldn't really read my Bible or pray during the depths of this depression, she said to me, "Wendi, your life is a prayer right now." My breath is prayer. Choosing to get up each day and live another day for Jesus is all He was asking. 

I started picturing, when the tears were so intense I felt I couldn't breathe and my head pounded from the weight of it all, Jesus' lap being my pillow. He would be stroking my hair and rubbing my back -- like I would do for my children when the horrors of life pummeled them. 

I pictured my daughter, Abigail, crying into my lap. She's had a hard day. She's beaten down. The world has clobbered her. Would I say to her, "Abigail, I need you to stop and speak to me. I need you to stop crying and get up and go serve in church. I need you to get out your Bible and read a certain number of chapters. I need you to pray in this exact way in order for me to show my love to you."

Of course not.

So why would God require that?

All He wants is for you to wake up each day and live for HIM. Sure, this would hopefully include reading his word and praying and reading your Bible. But if it doesn't include that ... if the sadness is debilitating you ... if the anxiety is eating you up ... just 

B

R

E

A

T

H

E

!

 

 

My Tank

 

Here's the truth: 

I never really even knew I had a tank. 

I mean, I sort of knew. (I think?) But as an athlete and an extrovert and someone who found her self-worth in doing, I was inadvertently emptying my tank and rarely refilling it.

I think I did this my whole life. I went. I rarely said no. I didn't stop. Like, nearly ever. Two things in my life caused me to reflect a little bit on boundaries and that was having children and COVID. When I had children, I knew they required boundaries -- especially surrounding sleep and their shy natures (Abigail specifically!) And when COVID hit, I knew I had to protect JB.

But myself? It was rare. If ever.

However, having my legs ripped out from under me has meant that I have had to become super aware of my "tank." I have one! And because of this time of depression and anxiety and healing and learning, it has gotten completely and utterly depleted. And it must be refilled. And if it isn't refilled, those closest to me will suffer.

And so, I am working to keep my tank at a functioning level. This has to be done daily. I need good sleep, I need good food, I need good rest. I need to not spend my "words" on people that are not in my innermost circle. I can't expand energy that I don't have on people that "don't matter." This sounds incredibly harsh. And it sort of is. But my family and myself and my soul and my energy MUST come first. 

I won't always feel this depleted. My tank will eventually be sitting more at half-full or even all the way full on a regular basis. And this will allow me to drain it a bit on frivolous fluff. 

But until I get it filled up, I must make wise choices. 

That is what I am doing in Vermont right now! I am trying, every single day and every single moment, to choose things that are FILLING MY TANK. I arrived here with my gas almost empty. I am hoping to go home with at least a half tank!

SO

MUCH

TO

LEARN!

365 Days of Rest #16

Here is how Hannah rests. She bakes. She is an amazing baker. I think she can nearly outbake John. None of the rest of us bake! I took this picture before I left. But now, we are in Vermont, and this is what peace looks like: 

Tuesday Truth

365 Days of Rest #15

Today will be our first full day in Vermont … but I plan to be off my phone and tech!! I can’t wait to unplug and go dark. (I will add in my rest posts from

Vermont on our way home. Although I may choose to blog a little from Joni’s computer which will keep me off my phone and “my” tech.

So, my day of rest today will be a flashback. 

Tuesday, before we left, we had Carter D. over for dinner. Carter attended FCC and our homeschool group. I think he probably graduated around 2018. He was also very involved with community theatre. Now, he’s at medical school at Liberty In Virginia and came back to Greeneville to do an ER rotation with JB. 

Well, the rotation is ending and we are headed for vacation so we had him out for a farm visit. He helped move sheep and chicken and then got to eat some of the meat he helped care for. (Not the exact meat but the kind of meat :)

Also in attendance, Lovely Lily. That’s what I call her. She’s my Lovely Lily. I love me some Lovely Lily. She is the oldest child  of our great friends the Shrader family. We’ve been friends with their family for years, but in the last two years of so, our families have really connected. Daniel (the dad) is a permaculture/nature guy. Meredith is super cool and a bosom buddy to me. This was the family we went to Costa Rica with too! They have two other kiddos below Lily: Honest Hosea (who is Hannah’s age and honest to a fault like Sidge) and Jubilant Janessa (who is five and just pure silliness.) We love this family. 

Abigail and Sidge are very good friends with Lily. Their family was on vacation and now our family was getting ready to leave so we squeezed in a Lovely Lily day! Would have liked to have all the kids over but the younger two had camp at our church. (We know them from homeschool, ballet, and church!)

Lovely Lily and Creative Carter … good for the soul!!

P.S. Isaac wasn’t there because he drove the car for one of the first times solo just for some guy hang out time with his buddies! Crazy!!

 

P.S.S. while I am not getting on my phone or any social media, I am hoping to post some pictures to my Blog a little bit. So here is the first one. It's a bit cool today (I think we might hit 80 degrees by the day's end) and the water is rough -- so we won't do much in the lake today. But still, sitting on my porch, surrounded by trees, with nothing on my daily schedule ... this is my HAPPY PLACE!

 

 

Another truth

365 Days of Rest #14

We are driving to Vermont today. Can’t get much more restful than 17 hours in a car!! Left at 5am and should arrive by 10p!

But, JB got to stop at his happy place: a HUGE Thai market. Thankful we were able to keep him to 30 minutes in the store!

Fireworks at the Bauenrhof

We celebrate on the 4th of July with some fireworks here with the Kotynki family (and my parents and nieces.)  However, our boys were out-of-town at a Youth Retreat so when they returned, we did another "mini" celebration and included our great friends the Shraders (who were also at the Youth Retreat.) Their oldest child, Lily, put together this video (with help from her Dad's drone). Enjoy: 

365 Days of Rest #13

Honestly, this day wasn't particularly restful. I amwriting this in the car on Thursday. But Wednesday was the one day we had to get everything ready to be away from the farm. We were preparing to leave for Vermont for our annual summer jaunt. I ended up having a really hard time during the days leading up to our departure. 

I am really starting to see that my “tank” is extremely empty overall right now. My "team" (5-7 good friends/family members that remind me of truth when I need it), has been telling me this, but I’ve never experienced an empty tank before to this degree. WHEN my tank is empty, I have NO reserve so if ANYTHING “triggers” me (and I hate that word), I go crazy in the brain. I start crying and get overwhelmed that someone doesn’t like me and can’t get my mind wrapped around things successfully. 

My stressors always involve people liking me. This is a combo of bad thinking I developed throughout my life and my personality in general. I am an ENNEAGRAM 2, and we like people to like us. But I've also developed some PTSD and FEAR in surrounding people being upset with me. This is what, basically "broke" in me. I did it for 45 years, but back in February, God decided he was done watching me do this. He knocked my legs out from under me. I had no choice but to face this demon straight-on. 

No more medicating this with actual anti-depressants (although, right now, I am still on them as I learn this.) No more self-medicating with staying busy or food (both of which I realized I have done but wasn't aware of at the time.) I actually think my migraines were coming out because of the stress I was putting on my body as well. (Another thing that I didn't know at the time.) In February, the blinders fell off, and I realized, I was living for men and NOT for God.

The thing is: I AM CHANGING THIS. But in the midst of this change, I am now HYPER-AWARE of this "bad behavior" in myself. So when I do it ... when I let something someone says or thinks influence me, I can sort of tailspin. 

I am learning to give myself lots of grace and compassion. But I'm not very good at it. I also have an athlete's brain tucked into this whole intricate system of "stinkin'-thinkin'." I'm really learning. But it won't happen overnight. It's happening. But it's not nearly as fast as I would like. 

I need to make sure I have reserves right now so that I can “think straight” when this hard stuff comes at me. As I get more rest …. I’ll have more reserve … and will be able to handle this stuff more. …. I’ve been doing this with people for 45 years and all of a sudden am “aware” of this behavior. When I “do it”, I am not SUPER aware of it and then I get very hard on myself about it — condemning myself etc. It is going to take time to “break this.”

("That's a lot of quotation marks, but, I don't feel like editing that paragraph after writing it.)

Hang on

Tuesday Truth

365 Days of Rest #12

I've carried a burden
For too long on my own
I wasn't created
To bear it alone
I hear Your invitation
To let it all go
Yeah, I see it now
I'm laying it down
And I know that I need You

I run to the Father
I fall into grace
I'm done with the hiding
No reason to wait
My heart needs a surgeon
My soul needs a friend
So I'll run to the Father
Again and again
And again and again
Oh, oh, oh

You saw my condition
Had a plan from the start
Your Son for redemption
The price for my heart
And I don't have a context
For that kind of love
I don't understand
I can't comprehend
All I know is I need You

I run to the Father
I fall into grace
I'm done with the hiding
No reason to wait
My heart needs a surgeon
My soul needs a friend
So I'll run to the Father
Again and again
And again and again

Oh, oh
Again and again
And again and again
Oh, oh (oh)

My heart has been in Your sights
Long before my first breath
Running into Your arms
Is running to life from death
And I feel this rush deep in my chest
Your mercy is calling out
Just as I am You pull me in
And I know I need You now

I run to the Father
I fall into grace
I'm done with the hiding
No reason to wait
My heart needs a surgeon
My soul needs a friend
So I'll run to the Father
Again and again

I run to the Father
I fall into grace
I'm done with the hiding
No reason to wait
And my heart found a surgeon
My soul found a friend
So I'll run to the Father
Again and again
And again and again

Oh, oh
Again and again
And again and again
Oh, oh, oh
Again and again

Run to the Father

365 Days of Rest #11

I’m taking the time each day to be still and to remember truth. Here is a good reminder: 

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
in every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2 Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
to guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
all now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

3 Be still, my soul; when dearest friends depart,
and all is darkened in the veil of tears,
then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
from His own fullness all He takes away.

4 Be still, my soul; the hour is hast'ning on
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
when disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
all safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

365 Days of Rest #9

Today I had a friend show up at my house with two gifts: flowers for grown-up Wendi (and donuts too!) This was a friend that I had had to cancel a coffee date late last week because I was in a dip of grief. She told me that she loved me no matter what I cancelled or how often I saw her. I didn’t have to do anything to be her friend. I just WAS her friend. The thing is, this friend didn’t know that that was exactly my fear. That I feel like I will be forgotten or rejected or devalued because I can’t give like I used to be able to give. … but I was reminded that I don’t have to be able to do that :)

365 Days of Rest #10

Sometimes rest looks like sitting instead of doing. The list of things I need to do is big and long. But that doesn’t mean I can’t sit on the back of our sidekick with my longtime friend Shea and her husband Justin and just chat. Watch the kids play. Pet the dogs. Sit and talk. Don’t try to do something else while I sit there. Just BE. Watch the rain roll in. See the kids catching chickens. 

I also took two naps today. Both times I’d rather have done other things, but I knew my body needed rest. 

It’s odd for a body to require so much rest. My counselor said that this is about me not listening to my body for 45 years. I’m also healing MENTALLY and that translates into PHYSICAL fatigue. 

No one ever taught me how to listen to my body. It won’t always be this tired, but it’s this tired now. Am I listening? Am I teaching my children to listen? If my son feels overwhelmed going to a social event, does he need to go? He’s an introvert. He doesn’t want to do it. If my daughter’s body hurts from ballet, can’t she take a night off? 

Anything that is requiring our children to push past limits, should be looked at closely. As an elite athlete when I was young, no one explained this to me. But there are limits to what we can ask our body to do. Our kids should know what their limits are. 

I’m trying to relearn this. I’m trying to listen when my body says: “You’ve had one long conversation today. That’s probably enough.” 

The concept is foreign to me. But failing to listen means my family pays the price when I respond in anger to my children because I’m exhausted. My inner circle deserves my best. 

Learning

My journey

This podcast!!

If I could explain to anyone what I’ve been dealing with …. This is it.

I didn’t feel I had had a traumatic past. But the anxiety and depression and anger boiling up out of me said there were things that I needed to look at. 

So I did. 

And seeing the pain that I had minimized away and spiritualized away … HURT. 

It still hurts. 

But God wants me to see it because he wants a better Wendi. A better wife. Daughter. Mom. Friend. 

He is demanding it. 

I will be so amazing and 

F

R

E

E 

On the other side. 

But looking it in the face is 

H

A

R

D

I am not blaming anyone other than Satan and SIN for this CRAP in the world!!!

365 Days of Rest #8

Today I listened to this hymn …. Over and over and over again. 

Do it. What beauty in the words. 

365 Days of Rest #7

Haircuts BEFORE

And after!

Ugh! Before! 

After! 

I’m trying to make sure I make space for myself and take a little better care of myself today. 

365 Days of Rest #6

Yesterday, in the midst of having a good day and week, I posted the above to Facebook. 

And then today, a need to just put my head on Jesus’ lap arrived with the morning light. 

Today was a harder day. A lot of sadness and learning coming out of me. So I gave myself permission to FEEL those things. To say “I can’t” go to dinner with my parents even though I really wanted to. “I can’t meet a friend for coffee.” Instead, I will recover. I’m learning to listen to my body. To not just push. To live. To slow down. 

God is with us as recover. He’s with us through everything. 

I took the time to feel some of the hard stuff today. I never understood a healing journey until now — while I’m on a healing journey. 

Our friends: Shea and Justin have been on their own journey, and we’ve been honored to walk along with them.

Justin sent us a link to an amazing podcast episode that really spoke to me: 

The Lord is my Shepherd

I hope to continue to take you with me on my journey. God is giving me what and who I need to help me on this recovery road. He’s an amazing father. I know that more clearly than I ever have.

365 Days of Rest #5

365 Days of Rest #4

Today’s rest wasn’t earth-shattering. But it was a purposeful nap. Rest. Shutting my mind and body down for an hour … minimum. I need to try and do this everyday even if it isn’t as long or restorative as I would hope. 

The fatigue in this journey is pretty shocking to me! I had no idea you could need so much downtime day after day. I think this is years building up and “in the waiting.”

365 Days of Rest #3

Wimbledon. It's really the only sport I watch anymore. Tennis. I love watching tennis. (I blame Grama Joni for this infatuation.) But even with tennis, I'm tempted to try to clean while I watch. Or do work while I watch. What about just giving myself permission to sit and WATCH. To be. This part of what I am learning. Learning to care for myself on a daily basis instead of going into a year saying, "Well I will get a break in six months when I take that vacation." Each day you can find peace.This morning, I had the kids help me with a fifteen minute cleaning, and I am sitting watching tennis.

365 Days of Rest #2

Sometimes rest looks like sitting at a movie with all of your favorite people: Kotynski family, kids, nieces, nephews and seeing a movie. Today it was Inside Out 2. 

By the way, I watched the first one for the first time yesterday at my house, and it was amazing! I feel I wouldn’t have gotten nearly the same thing out of it if I hadn’t just gone on this mental health journey. 

I have decided to document the rest I find in each day. This is not to virtue signal or gloat or expect other people to do what I am doing. I also understand that my life affords me more time to do this as I do not work and have a husband who financially supports me. 

But despite that, I’ve never been cognizant of rest. I’ve never been intentional. And I’m going to be. Everyday. Building on quiet time. Family time. Peaceful time. 

Please come along with me!

365 Days of Rest #1

How did I live 46 years before learning how to rest? 

How did we move to a farm to live a slow life without me understanding it’s more a

State

Of

Mind

How did I not understand living from 

The 

Inside 

Out 

Instead of looking first outside and putting myself and my spirit last? 

So much growing going on. 

It is

Purposeful

Intentional 

Required 

Divine 

Popping Up Again

I am "popping up" again. This is an exhausting roller coaster, but I am now able to more consistently see "the island."

(John gave me that image. I'm on a raft. In the middle of the ocean. A storm has rolled in. I can see an island. I know I will get there. But right now, when a wave comes by, I lose sight of the island. That doesn't mean the island isn't still there. It's there. Just because there is a wave, doesn't mean I have lost the island.)

Here's the truth: I had NO CHOICE but to face my demons. 

That's ultimately what this is about. This is about some faulty wiring and thinking that I was using in my life. What's interesting is that I had NO IDEA I had faulty wiring. 

I knew I battled depression.

I knew I battled anxiety.

I knew I had to use anti-depressants to fight those two horrendous beasts. 

What I did not know was that those beasts came out because something else was inside me. 

That thing inside me was a ton of things I had pushed down without knowing it. 

I don't think this is actually that unusual. I think most adults probably did the same thing throughout their younger years to cope. The only question is: how did they cope? 

If they coped with alcohol, then they may not have suffered with anxiety and depression like I did. 

Or maybe they didn't use alcohol, but instead of it coming out in anxiety and depression, it came out in anger. 

(Anger had started coming out for me too.)

The truth is: The Body Keeps the Score.

What you dealt with: be it war or witnessing a mass shooting or abuse or neglect or a loss, your body has to deal with it. Somehow. And it might work for you. And it might work for you until the day you are buried. Or you might be buried as a crabby, horrible person because you never dealt with your demons. And because you didn't deal with your demons, your children have to.

Or ... you can face the demons and stop the cycle and save your children. 

I am doing this FOR MY CHILDREN. I am going to teach them amazing things that I am learning about listening to my body and not living to please other people and truly understanding the kindness and sovereignty of God. I am rewriting the script for my life. I will not die a crabby person. I will die as alive as I can be. 

(Ha ha -- that was a joke!)

 

currently have an "adjustment disorder."

All of a sudden …

Aunt Jan on my Team

I love this picture of my Aunt Jan … she has been part of my support system during the last six months. I am growing so much! There will be so much freedom on the other side! But it has been a hard road … I’m weary. And I’m so blessed by the people in my life who have stood by me during this time. 

Friday Truth :)

Kotynski/Kitsteiner Fourth of July

2020 Kotynski/Kitsteiner Fourth of July 

2021 Kotynski/Kitsteiner Fourth of July (Maryah joins)

Kotynski/Kitsteiner Fourth of July (Tristan stands in for Isaac and Baylee stands in for Isaac)

Don't be discouraged ...

 

Sometimes, it’s hard to see the results of our hard work.

We often look for success in things we can count and measure.

But true growth often happens inside us, where it’s not always visible.

Remember, every step you take and every challenge you face helps you grow internally.

This inner growth is just as important as any external achievement.

It makes you stronger, wiser, and more prepared for future opportunities.

Don’t get discouraged if you don’t see immediate results.

Trust the process and recognize your progress within. 

Celebrate your inner victories—patience, perseverance, and integrity. These are the true signs of growth.

Keep going, stay inspired, and know that your efforts are making a difference, even if you can’t see it right away.

Your inner transformation is leading you to a brighter future.

(mastersboot)

Nervous System Attunement

YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM LOVES IT WHEN YOU ASK:

What do I need at this moment?

NOT

Why is this happening to me?

The above sentiment may seem just "something I might read" months ago. I'd sort of pretend to understand it, but I would actually have no idea what that meant. 

But now, it is resonating deeply with me. 

I know many people won't be interested in these blog posts I am writing. But honestly, I'm totally okay with that. This Blog has always been my way of sharing and categorizing and explaining where I am in life. I've been doing it for nearly twenty years! This has been one of the hardest and most growing six months of my entire life. I'd put it up there with infertility honestly. And so, my heart wants to make sense of it.

I do that by writing. 

I am journaling quite a bit, but I also want to have this to share with others as well. Or just with my children as they get older. 

SIDE NOTE: THIS STUFF I AM LEARNING IS GOING TO MAKE ME SUCH A BETTER WIFE AND MOTHER! I WILL TEACH MY KIDS THIS STUFF! IT'S SO HELPFUL AND WONDERFUL! JOHN IS ACTUALLY SAYING HE IS LEARNING THROUGH MY JOURNEY! WE ARE LEARNING WHY WE HAVE ARGUMENTS AND WHY OUR KIDS LOSE THEIR MINDS SOMETIMES. IT FEELS LIKE A WHOLE NEW WORLD HAS BEEN OPENED TO ME!

I really had no idea what my nervous system was if I am being completely honest. I mean, I knew I had one, but I wasn't exactly sure what it did. 

I am now learning though that my: 

THINKING BRAIN (conscious mind)

and

SURVIVAL BRAIN (unconscious mind)

must be able to communicate.

Huh?!

That survival brain is responsible for my emotional and stress responses. It says "something isn't quite right." This might be when you start yelling at your kids, get frustrated easily, overeat, drink too much, get unknown bodily pains, etc. It could be anything. When these things happen, what do you do?

I know what I did. I basically said "Why is this happening to me? I don't have time for this?" And I plowed through.

But the thing is, my SURVIVAL BRAIN was trying to tell my THINKING BRAIN to "TAKE CARE OF ME!" It was saying: I need rest. I need peace. I need a break. I need better food. Stop staying up so late! Stop saying yes to everyone! S-T-O-P!

And I ignored it.

So my SURVIVAL BRAIN, in order to save my life, basically said "I QUIT!" It knocked my legs out from under me with terrible anxiety and depression and exhaustion -- giving me no choice but to listen.

So I started listening. I'm still learning how to listen. I am still missing the cues. But I'm really trying it.

Right now, that looks like: 

• Saying no to a lot of things I would actually like to do.
• Taking more rests than I feel like I have time to do.
• Letting my house be messier than I would like so I am resting more.
• Cutting corners on things when we need to. 
  
• Telling my kids it's okay to take a break emotionally too. This may mean skipping things as well.
  

I didn't understand at first. Kim (my counselor) would tell me to listen to my body. To have compassion for myself. What did that ... mean ... exactly? I did my Christian therapy and medication and tried to figure out what I needed to do. But a lot of the time, I didn't know. 

What do I need?

I have no idea!  

Do I need to go on a walk? Call a friend? Get a hug? Sit with this emotion? Cry? Shake it off? Communicate my feelings? Cancel something I really want to do?

I'd never thought about those things before. 

But ... by listening to my SURVIVAL BRAIN, my nervous system can up- or down-regulate. (This sounds fancy but it just means I increase arousal and activation when I am very low/depressed and down-regulate it when I am anxious and basically, freaking out.) Our SURVIVAL BRAIN is trying to tell our THINKING BRAIN to help us. Once the THINKING BRAIN starts listening, the SURVIVAL BRAIN doesn't feel the need to be as drastic. It doesn't need to knock my legs out from under me. It can do little things to get my attention and say "You need a nap."

That means, my legs got knocked out from under me because I refused to listen to what my body was saying. My body will do anything to keep me alive. To keep me safe. 

If I criticize, shame, blame, and judge myself (which I am very good at) because of the stress arousals or emotions I am feeling .... If I come up with a "logical" meaning or explanation, I am actually creating more stress activation because my body can't trust my THINKING BRAIN to take care of it. 

The next time you experience an emotion, stress activation, or bad habit (like drinking for example), ask yourself WHAT DO I NEED AT THIS MOMENT? and see how that feels in your nervous system.

This is all new to me. I am still learning. I'm still digesting. I have a long way to go.

But I'm learning. 

And I plan to keep sharing as I learn. I am not sure if any of you are in the dark about LISTENING TO YOUR BODY. But I was.

****I took some of this information from an INSTAGRAM post by: just.erikabustos

 

People-pleasing Prayer

I have been learning A LOT about some systems I have "wired" in my brain that are no longer working for me. I'll probably be sharing about that quite a bit on my Blog in upcoming days. Stay tuned!

Dear Jesus,

I want You to be the first thing that crosses my mind every morning and the last person I think about before I go to sleep. I want my days to be inundated with short prayers and random conversations with You — regardless of my moods. I want You to be at the center of everything that I do and every decision that I make. Because You are essential to my well-being. You are the one who keeps me sane when I feel like my patience is being tested. You are the one who sustains me and comforts me when I need it most. You are the one who opens doors for me, who meets my every need and answers my every prayer. So why would I NOT want to be closer to You each day?

See, the desire to want more, in terms of my relationship with You, is there. But I fear that my cravings for attention and validation from others is distracting me from what truly matters. So much of what I do is fueled by my desire to be seen and appreciated by other people. To be pleasing in their sight. I want to be seen as good. To be celebrated for my efforts. I want to feel valued and included. But Lord, it seems like these very desires are driving me to go on social media more often than I pray. And at this point it's like a reflex. I can't get through an entire meal or exercise routine without scrolling through Twitter or Instagram.

Even as I write this, I feel convicted. Because Your word clearly states that I should seek first Your kingdom and righteousness. Not my own needs. My main focus should be on following Your ways, doing what's right and actively seeking you, FIRST.

And in Galatians 1:10, Paul reminds me that if I'm trying so hard to please man rather than You, then I'm not truly a servant of Christ. As someone who struggles with people-pleasing, that one stings. But Lord I recognize the danger of giving other people so much power. And I don't want to live the rest of my days obsessing about what others will think or say about me. I want to care more about what You think, because it's Your thoughts about me that are true, and those are the ones that matter most.

Your word tells me that Your love for me is as high as the heavens are above the earth. It tells me that I am chosen by You, holy and blameless, perfect and complete. I am precious in Your sight and totally accepted, regardless of my flaws.

I pray dear Jesus that You'll remind me of these truths whenever I'm driven by the desire to be liked and accepted by everyone else. Help me to always be genuine and show kindness, but also, help me to let go of this notion that I'll be happier if I'm always likable. Help me to focus more on living a life that is pleasing to you. Help me to develop an even deeper desire for You and Your word. To fall even deeper in love with You, to the point where others' opinions of me don't matter anymore. Help me to start seeing myself the way that You see me and not how others do, in Jesus' name.

Sincerely,

Me