Nervous System Attunement

YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM LOVES IT WHEN YOU ASK:

What do I need at this moment?

NOT

Why is this happening to me?

The above sentiment may seem just "something I might read" months ago. I'd sort of pretend to understand it, but I would actually have no idea what that meant. 

But now, it is resonating deeply with me. 

I know many people won't be interested in these blog posts I am writing. But honestly, I'm totally okay with that. This Blog has always been my way of sharing and categorizing and explaining where I am in life. I've been doing it for nearly twenty years! This has been one of the hardest and most growing six months of my entire life. I'd put it up there with infertility honestly. And so, my heart wants to make sense of it.

I do that by writing. 

I am journaling quite a bit, but I also want to have this to share with others as well. Or just with my children as they get older. 

SIDE NOTE: THIS STUFF I AM LEARNING IS GOING TO MAKE ME SUCH A BETTER WIFE AND MOTHER! I WILL TEACH MY KIDS THIS STUFF! IT'S SO HELPFUL AND WONDERFUL! JOHN IS ACTUALLY SAYING HE IS LEARNING THROUGH MY JOURNEY! WE ARE LEARNING WHY WE HAVE ARGUMENTS AND WHY OUR KIDS LOSE THEIR MINDS SOMETIMES. IT FEELS LIKE A WHOLE NEW WORLD HAS BEEN OPENED TO ME!

I really had no idea what my nervous system was if I am being completely honest. I mean, I knew I had one, but I wasn't exactly sure what it did. 

I am now learning though that my: 

THINKING BRAIN (conscious mind)

and

SURVIVAL BRAIN (unconscious mind)

must be able to communicate.

Huh?!

That survival brain is responsible for my emotional and stress responses. It says "something isn't quite right." This might be when you start yelling at your kids, get frustrated easily, overeat, drink too much, get unknown bodily pains, etc. It could be anything. When these things happen, what do you do?

I know what I did. I basically said "Why is this happening to me? I don't have time for this?" And I plowed through.

But the thing is, my SURVIVAL BRAIN was trying to tell my THINKING BRAIN to "TAKE CARE OF ME!" It was saying: I need rest. I need peace. I need a break. I need better food. Stop staying up so late! Stop saying yes to everyone! S-T-O-P!

And I ignored it.

So my SURVIVAL BRAIN, in order to save my life, basically said "I QUIT!" It knocked my legs out from under me with terrible anxiety and depression and exhaustion -- giving me no choice but to listen.

So I started listening. I'm still learning how to listen. I am still missing the cues. But I'm really trying it.

Right now, that looks like: 

• Saying no to a lot of things I would actually like to do.
• Taking more rests than I feel like I have time to do.
• Letting my house be messier than I would like so I am resting more.
• Cutting corners on things when we need to. 
  
• Telling my kids it's okay to take a break emotionally too. This may mean skipping things as well.
  

I didn't understand at first. Kim (my counselor) would tell me to listen to my body. To have compassion for myself. What did that ... mean ... exactly? I did my Christian therapy and medication and tried to figure out what I needed to do. But a lot of the time, I didn't know. 

What do I need?

I have no idea!  

Do I need to go on a walk? Call a friend? Get a hug? Sit with this emotion? Cry? Shake it off? Communicate my feelings? Cancel something I really want to do?

I'd never thought about those things before. 

But ... by listening to my SURVIVAL BRAIN, my nervous system can up- or down-regulate. (This sounds fancy but it just means I increase arousal and activation when I am very low/depressed and down-regulate it when I am anxious and basically, freaking out.) Our SURVIVAL BRAIN is trying to tell our THINKING BRAIN to help us. Once the THINKING BRAIN starts listening, the SURVIVAL BRAIN doesn't feel the need to be as drastic. It doesn't need to knock my legs out from under me. It can do little things to get my attention and say "You need a nap."

That means, my legs got knocked out from under me because I refused to listen to what my body was saying. My body will do anything to keep me alive. To keep me safe. 

If I criticize, shame, blame, and judge myself (which I am very good at) because of the stress arousals or emotions I am feeling .... If I come up with a "logical" meaning or explanation, I am actually creating more stress activation because my body can't trust my THINKING BRAIN to take care of it. 

The next time you experience an emotion, stress activation, or bad habit (like drinking for example), ask yourself WHAT DO I NEED AT THIS MOMENT? and see how that feels in your nervous system.

This is all new to me. I am still learning. I'm still digesting. I have a long way to go.

But I'm learning. 

And I plan to keep sharing as I learn. I am not sure if any of you are in the dark about LISTENING TO YOUR BODY. But I was.

****I took some of this information from an INSTAGRAM post by: just.erikabustos

 

People-pleasing Prayer

I have been learning A LOT about some systems I have "wired" in my brain that are no longer working for me. I'll probably be sharing about that quite a bit on my Blog in upcoming days. Stay tuned!

Dear Jesus,

I want You to be the first thing that crosses my mind every morning and the last person I think about before I go to sleep. I want my days to be inundated with short prayers and random conversations with You — regardless of my moods. I want You to be at the center of everything that I do and every decision that I make. Because You are essential to my well-being. You are the one who keeps me sane when I feel like my patience is being tested. You are the one who sustains me and comforts me when I need it most. You are the one who opens doors for me, who meets my every need and answers my every prayer. So why would I NOT want to be closer to You each day?

See, the desire to want more, in terms of my relationship with You, is there. But I fear that my cravings for attention and validation from others is distracting me from what truly matters. So much of what I do is fueled by my desire to be seen and appreciated by other people. To be pleasing in their sight. I want to be seen as good. To be celebrated for my efforts. I want to feel valued and included. But Lord, it seems like these very desires are driving me to go on social media more often than I pray. And at this point it's like a reflex. I can't get through an entire meal or exercise routine without scrolling through Twitter or Instagram.

Even as I write this, I feel convicted. Because Your word clearly states that I should seek first Your kingdom and righteousness. Not my own needs. My main focus should be on following Your ways, doing what's right and actively seeking you, FIRST.

And in Galatians 1:10, Paul reminds me that if I'm trying so hard to please man rather than You, then I'm not truly a servant of Christ. As someone who struggles with people-pleasing, that one stings. But Lord I recognize the danger of giving other people so much power. And I don't want to live the rest of my days obsessing about what others will think or say about me. I want to care more about what You think, because it's Your thoughts about me that are true, and those are the ones that matter most.

Your word tells me that Your love for me is as high as the heavens are above the earth. It tells me that I am chosen by You, holy and blameless, perfect and complete. I am precious in Your sight and totally accepted, regardless of my flaws.

I pray dear Jesus that You'll remind me of these truths whenever I'm driven by the desire to be liked and accepted by everyone else. Help me to always be genuine and show kindness, but also, help me to let go of this notion that I'll be happier if I'm always likable. Help me to focus more on living a life that is pleasing to you. Help me to develop an even deeper desire for You and Your word. To fall even deeper in love with You, to the point where others' opinions of me don't matter anymore. Help me to start seeing myself the way that You see me and not how others do, in Jesus' name.

Sincerely,

Me

Each litter, we seem to have one puppy that falls through the cracks or has a harder time getting placed. This time it was M&M (Emmy). She’s a doll and spent an extra week with us here. 

But today, she got to meet her family, and I always see God in the little things. The Parson family had adopted Maui in our last litter and thought of getting him a buddy. They happened to be close enough to meet my brother in Asheville as he was driving to South Florida! 

So cool!!

Yerrington’s

This picture above is what the Yerrington family looked like when I last saw them in Turkey! 

After moving to Massachusetts and then Spain for five years, they are now living four hours from us in Lynchburg, Virginia. 

The Lord gave us an amazing two days together! Here were just a few photos: