We are right around the six month mark of moving to the farm.
And I'm homesick.
The only thing is ... I have no idea what I am homesick for.
I was carrying food to the ducks in one hand, the pig and sheep in the other, and I had a moment of intense sadness. I love this farm, and I know it is where I belong forever. But for the first time in my life, I am not preparing to go somewhere else. There will most likely not be a next stop for us. This is a final stop for us.
A part of that feels so amazingly wonderful. And another part of this feels incredibly scary. I've spent the last 20 years of my life knowing that each of the stops I am making will only last 2-4 years. And now I am making a stop that will last forever.
And so I feel homesick for home. This just doesn't feel like home to me yet. And as I walked I realized that home is not a place. It's a feeling. It's a people. It's a culture. It's just comfortable.
I feel a bit homesick for ...
South Florida ... the familiarity of the city I grew up in.
Kentucky ... the thrill of the college town I played basketball in.
Minnesota ... the easy downtown living and friends dropping in regularly.
Eglin AFB, Florida ... living right on the bay and the white sands of Destin.
Turkey ... and the friends and culture and cul-de-sac I so quickly fell in love with.
Azores ... living right on the water and walking around the corner for dinner or a snack.
Spring Hill, TN ... and a house and neighborhood that fit me so well.
I'm in my six month time of grieving. It'll pass.
It always does.
4 comments:
Oh, thanks for this reminder. We're at the 6 month mark, too, and I've been very emotional (doesn't help to be in the stress of the holidays!). I know you'll get through it and learn to love the farm even more than you do now. And I love reading about it and living there vicariously!
You have a heart to understand both missionaries and military...your children are young enough that they will not exactly relate to missionary/military kids who spend their whole life like that but I bet at least one of them will have the travel bug in them...I loved this post because I feel like I could have written it with my own pictures --one thing good tho I can tell you --the first three years we were here owning our first home when I was abotut 50 years old -everytime we came back from a vacation to our kids in NC and we got to I-88 I got this terrible claustrophobic feeling like I was "trapped" in North Aurora --I think it was year four we were on our way home and I had the feeling for the VERY first time in my married life --Oh I am going HOMe and can't wait to be in my Home! It may have come in four years cuz that's what it takes or it may have come in four years cuz my other kids and grands are nearby here and I have gotten to go back "home" to Indonesia every year since living here....I sometimes wonder how I would handle it if Cara's family wasn't here --I think I'd have to go live near Eddie's family! or I'd just want to go "home" to Indonesia or be on our next adventure..It IS a blessing I am truly realizng and learning to let myself feel the sad moments cuz they turn to very many poignant memories I can give thanks to God for! Love you! Tante Jan
It's normal. We've been in our forever home for 3 years now and even though I love it, the feeling of "when/where are we gonna move now" is sometimes really strong. I'm looking back at those 11 moves with the military and feel like "wow, did we really live in all those places" and knowing you will not move again, is a feeling which can't be described and unless you've "been there" you won't really understand.
Susi
Maybe you're homesick for heaven.
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