So I've been meaning to write this post for quite some time. I've tried to figure out how to write it and looked at it from ever angle. In the end, I've decided to be very brief instead of going in the other direction and leaning toward overkill. I'll briefly discuss and then move on.
Here are the cold, hard facts: less than 2% of couples who adopt go on to get pregnant. The number may seem considerably higher, but I've checked numerous infertility and adoption sources and this seems to be solid across the board. This means that 98% of people who adopt do not go on to have a biological child.
Why does it seem higher? Well, people don't pass around stories of all the couples who adopted and didn't get pregnant. Chances are, you have probably told at least one other person our story. How, after five years of infertility, we adopted a little boy and then went on to get pregnant. Have you repeated a story of someone you know who adopted and did not get pregnant? Those stories don't get carried through the grapevine nearly as fast.
The reason I bring this up is to ask you a favor. Now that we are pregnant, we could care less if you say to us, "That always happens!" or "I knew it!" or "I know five other couples that happened to." Since we are in the 2%, we are fine with that. We really don't like all the, "See you relaxed" comments, but you know, we don't have an explanation for what happened to us (other than God) so who are we to say how it happened now, after all this time.
But the favor I want to ask you has to do with other couples. Please do not repeat our story to another infertile couple. Please do not tell them, "Well, I have this friend, and she adopted, and then she got pregnant. Maybe that will happen to you." I don't want to be the source for someone's pain.
The truth is, she may not fall in that 2%. If this other couple has gotten to the point that they are comfortable with adoption than most likely they, like JB and I, are comfortable with the idea of not having biological children.
Also, if you have told me one of these stories before, after, or during our journey, PLEASE do not feel bad. I am not the type of person to get my feelings hurt, and I really have not. I recognize people's intentions. I really make a point to look at what people are trying to do. They are trying to be helpful. I know that. Trust me when I say, I have not been hurt by these comments and probably don't even remember whether you were one of the people who said something to me.
But not every couple is exactly the same. These stories are better left alone. That's just my opinion. I hope I explained myself concisely and briefly. Other infertility/adoption women want to add their two cents?
14 comments:
I've been waiting for this entry. I was thinking about it just the other day, but I knew that it was a touchy subject, considering the past.
You did a good job confronting this, well put friend!
Way to go Wendi! I'm so glad you brought this up! You're the perfect person to address this, and it's great to hear the statistics because I'VE even thought it was annoying when people said (with a knowing smile) "That's what always happens..." Whatever!
Wendi, I feel exactly the same way and should have the guts to post it on my own blog. :) (Although we didn't adopt, but people often say the same about surrogacy, which of course isn't as common as adoption).
Now that I'm pregnant I can't tell you the number of people who have said "I knew it" or "That happens all the time." I am not offended because I'm used to it...these people have been saying that since our surrogate got pregnant! And frankly, I'm glad they were right, ha! But, like you, I feel pretty protective of those who have adopted or have built their families via surrogacy who just will not be able to conceive no matter what they do. I would hate to think the families that cannot conceive and instead have chosen adoption (or surrogacy) have been led to believe that their friends/family think their family building choices were in any way "less than" as a result of comments like those.
I'm glad you posted that--very well said.
Brava (from the other 98%!) ;) I appreciate that you are so passionate about this, even though you're in the 2%.
The other thing I don't like about those kind of comments is that it implies that the child who was adopted was some sort of bargaining chip, or that the adoptive parents had less than pure motives for doing the adoption. I hope children who were adopted are screened from those comments so they never have to feel like they were just a way for their parents to bide their time while they waited for what they really wanted.
I only know you a little and I can already tell that both of your kids are loved with your whole heart.
Thanks for your post!
Jen, I COMPLETELY agree with your statement and almost wrote this in the post -- it implies that "well, hang on -- you'll get what you really want." When what we really wanted, we got in Isaac.
Wendi, what a great post! Thank you for sharing this! I think alot of times people don't think about what they are saying or how it might be taken. I believe they have to be taught and that is what I think you did in this post. You are showing them another side to consider so they can think before they speak. I love your story because it shows that God is in control no matter what we do . . . we can "relax" all we what to but if God doesn't want us to concieve then we won't! Period! I love that God is building your family in His perfect way. You will have three beautiful children all under the age of 3 that you and John were not expecting to have at all. I am so excited for you guys for what God has done! To Him be all the Glory!
Wendi,
Thanks for this post. I have learned so much from following your journey via your blog and hope you know how much you have taught so many of us. I have tried to share your story and what I've learned from it for quite some time - well before little Isaac came into the picture. Recently, I have shared your story, trying to impart what you have shared in your blog today. I was amazed when the person I most recently shared your story with didn't need that lesson - she squealed when I told her the story of Bri asking you and JB to adopt the child she was carrying - then "awwwww..."ed when I told her of your pregnancy. In my very humble opinion, God clearly intended things to happen this way. Isaac was SO meant to be your son, so God needed to make the timing work out. That was my first reaction when I read of your pregnancy - my next thought was, "oh please, Lord, don't let anybody say...'see! i knew it would happen once you adopted,' etc." Your strength despite those comments amazes me! Best wishes for a healthy pregnancy - thank YOU so much for teaching so many of us such priceless lessons!
~a faithful "blurker" (aka blog lurker/stalker/follower...whatever you'd like to call it)/friend-of-some-friends in Rochester
Wendi,
From a woman who has endured infertility and an international adoption, thank you for this post. I have no idea if my husband and I will be in the 2% or 98%, but God knows the plans for our family. I am content being in the 98%. I do know that I am so glad my plans did not work out. Had we gotten pregnant like we wanted then we wouldn't have our amazing son.
Jen, I appreciate your comment. If God blesses us with a pregnancy, I would NEVER want our son to feel like he was a bargaining chip. Jen, very well said.
Thank you so much, Wendi for addressing this!! I really truly do not get offended that easily, but this is the one comment that hurts me everytime somebody tells me "now watch and you'll get pregnant". I agree with Jen- Noah (who is adopted) is a precious, precious gift to us!! Whether we are ever pregnant or not, is beside the point- he is not a means to an end- pregnancy- he is the gift!! Wendi- I also wonder if you have any idea if there are people who go on to continue infertilty treatments, even after adoption... Perhaps "all" of the people who get pregnant after adopting had to use more than "adoption" to get pregnant (infertility treatments)?
Kristen
Hi Wendi,
First of all, congratulations and I'm so excited for you. I completely agree that there is a misconception that if you just adopt, then you'll get pregnant. People don't talk about those who didn't get pregnant. It's all according to God's will and He is in control. I can speak as a woman who has experienced infertility for 9 years and recently adopted a baby. God is so wonderful and I just know my son was meant to be part of my family. I do pray that I will get pregnant and have a daughter biologically. I give the control to God and understand it will happen if it's in His plan, not because I just adopted.
Health and happiness to you,
Dorinda
Wendi,
You have such a gift for writing and I know it certainly blesses many! Thank you for writing posts like these to help us who have no idea what you are experiencing! I'm thankful that you have God's grace to screen the comments that come from those of us who aren't trying to be hurtful or inconsiderate, but just don't know. It's never crossed my mind to think "Wait until she adopts, and then she'll get pregnant", but I could see how that could be in many people's thoughts. I know I try to be thoughtful and mindful of what I speak before I speak it, but I'm (and others who don't know how it is for you) not going to get it right all the time. So I'm very thankful that you realize most people have good intentions and more importantly that you are taking the time to "educate" MANY! No doubt your posts and helpful info will serve countless other women in the future who are experiencing the pain of intertility and will spare them from some of the hurtful comments that some of us might make (albeit it unintentional).
I just want to say thanks again for sharing your inner thoughts, this helps me to get a glimpse into the pain that infertility causes. And I feel more equipped to love, care for, understand and pray for other women who I may be friends with in the future who are experiencing this. Most of all, I am grateful to our amazing Lord and Savior who has blessed you and JB so wonderfully and that I get to be a spectator and be freshly reminded how good our God is! To Him be all the Glory!
Very good post. I get equally bothered by it too. I guess we're part of the 2% too and i will now add that to my 'well let me tell you a thing or two'. I tell people the same thing that really it doesn't happen THAT often. I say for instance you're going to go tell your friend about us in which they are going to go tell their friend and so it goes!!
I wouldn't trade our situation for anything!!
i've been waiting too-and so glad for the statistics as i wanted to answer intelligently...and helpfully :!)
love Tante Jan
good job wendi.
-bri
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