Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Am I really pregnant?

The life of being pregnant has gotten considerably better for me as I near the end of week 12 and thus, almost the end of Trimester 1.

My nausea is considerably better. Yesterday evening I was feeding Isaac and an Arby's commercial danced across the screen. I found myself thinking, Wow that sounds good instead of I'm going to barf. Change the channel quick! When out with JB the other night, I thought of 6 or 7 different restaurants that I could have eaten dinner at compared to previously having trouble thinking of even one.

I am also considerably less tired. I am sure this parallels with Isaac sleeping through the night, but quite honestly, the kid has been a good sleeper for weeks now, while I am just now feeling that it is possible to make it through the day without a nap. During weeks 3-10, I had to plan my day around being home for an afternoon nap. Without it, I'd find myself getting teary-eyed and telling the dog some very mean things! I'm glad JB was here to remind me that Scrubs really hadn't changed -- my ability to deal with Scrubs had changed. I'm also thankful to a few friends with dogs who reminded me that Scrubs really wasn't that bad at all. They'd list all the things that their dog did (read Marley and Me) and I realized, Scrubby was pretty darn good. I really do love my pup, and he is such a huge part of our life. Good thing for him he's so cute!

It is difficult for me to believe that I actually am, pregnant -- especially now that the nausea and fatigue is better. I just can't believe that after so many years I am actually pregnant with a child. It is quite surreal. When I go in for ultrasounds, I watch the screen, but quite honestly, am unable to officially tell my brain that this child is growing inside of me. I flash back to Bri's ultrasounds and can't help but think that I am sitting next to her again -- watching this occurring in someone else. The thing that hit me the most at my ultrasound last week was seeing the cord. That kid is feeding off of me! Inside me! What the heck is going on here?!

I suppose when I start showing it will seem even more real. When I am more uncomfortable and don't fit into my own clothes it'll feel "for sure". But for now, my body cannot convince my mind that this has happened to us. I had finally reached a place in my life where I was okay with how things were. We were so thrilled to be Isaac's parents, and we both truly felt that even if it was just the three of us forever, we were okay with that. We were content. Even if something happened with the China adoption, and the Lord didn't open the door for us to adopt any other children, we'd be happy being Isaac's parents.

I am reminded daily how much bigger the Lord's plans are than our own plans. I know, without a doubt, that had we gotten pregnant when we wanted, our marriage would not be what it is today. Isaac would not be here. And we would not be making plans to travel to China to pick up our daughter. As we watch Isaac smiling and giggling and growing so fast, we cannot even begin to imagine our lives without him. He is such an amazing blessing. And he will always know that. He will always know how much he was wanted. He will always know that he was our firstborn and so amazingly important to us.

I also struggle wondering why we spent five years in doctors' offices going through infertility treatments. Should we have done that? Was that what God wanted? I don't know how to answer those questions. I know that JB and I prayed along every step we took during our years dealing with infertility and followed peace to the best of our ability. I know that our journey was not without reason.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to have lunch with a new friend here on base -- a friend dealing with infertility. What a wonderful gal -- and someone I wished I could have met earlier in my time here, during the lonely months after we first got to Eglin. I know that even though we have Isaac and a new baby on the way, my heart is still so with individuals dealing with grief and loss, infertility and adoption, and life's disappointments. I don't think that will ever change. Maybe I needed to travel that road simply to understand. Maybe that was the only reason.

I am so blessed when people tell me that my story has encouraged them. I need to hear that! I worry so much that this blog has turned into a place of hurt for women waiting for a child instead of a place where they can see that God is still in the business of doing miracles. I always knew He still did miracles, but I had really gotten to a place that I just didn't believe He was going to do a miracle for us. Lord, help me in my unbelief. God did not forget me and remember everyone else. It just wasn't my time for Him to remember me. Can we wait for our time? Will I be able to wait, in the future, patiently, when my prayers aren't answered in my time? I hope so but know that it is a lot easier said than done.

I have had to put out of my mind the fact that we have seven "sticky babies" waiting for us at the Mayo Clinic. When we decided to do IVF, we decided that we would not fail to give any of our embryos a chance at joining us in this world. We are committed to that decision and will one day go back. But right now, there is obviously too much going on to think about that. The time will come, and we'll deal with that then. For now, we have a few other things that need to take priority.

Thank you for reading my blog and following us on this amazing adventure. It's still leaves me breathless that we are where we are now after writing posts like this: IVF #1 or this one IVF #2 or IVF #3 or this one IVF #4. That after all that, we would now be pregnant. No shots. No blood draws. No catheters. No cervical dilations. No acupuncturists. No pills. No mental breakdowns. No migraines. No doctors. Just God. Pretty amazing.

I hope that if you are in the midst of dealing with infertility, pregnancy loss, or some other difficult event in life, that you will find encouragement. So many times, I would visit other websites and see someone get the success story that I dreamed about. What was I doing wrong? How many people needed to pray? How hard did I need to pray? In the end, the truth was, God was with me. He was with us. He was watching. He hurt with us. He understood the pain. But He also knew better. He knew about Isaac. He knew about our China daughter. He knew about all the people I needed to meet along the path of this journey. How different my life would be had it gone the way I wanted. And to be honest, I truly believe that I would not be the Christian I am today had it gone the way I wanted. My marriage would not be what it is today had it gone the way we wanted. JB and I are different people today because of that journey. He is a different doctor. I love hearing the stories from appointments with women dealing with infertility. He is able to tell them he understands. He truly understands.

I remember, very clearly, after my failed IVF #2, walking out of the bathroom at Mayo and saying, out loud, "Okay God. That's it. That's enough pain. I can be a witness and help people with this amount of pain. I don't need anymore to understand."

But I did. I needed more. He needed me to do more. He needed me to be childless when Bri found out she was with child. He needed me to be childless when the idea of China came into our minds. He needed me to be childless when I met Kelly and Roberta at Christ Community and start Hearts Like Hannah. He needed me to be childless when I learned that I was now eligible to be in the "long-term primary infertility" group on my online discussion board. Not a club I was excited to join but a place I needed to go. I needed to be an encouragement to other women. I needed to remind them that you can be okay and happy and content and settled (even though some days I wasn't any of those) even if you were long-term PI. How did Wendi, the girl the doctors said, "IVF was made for people like you," end up here? It's where God wanted me. It's where He needed me.

I know this isn't the end of our story, and I just pray that as I grow in Christ and in life, I am able to look back and remember God's faithfulness and trust Him when things aren't going my way. Even if we had never gotten pregnant, I know that He had a plan for us as we dealt with this demon of infertility. I hope I can remember that when new obstacles emerge. He is there. He's crying with us. But His plan is bigger than any plan we could possibly imagine.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you.

kjames106 said...

What a beautiful post. I received this scripture in my inbox today and it very much goes along with this.

"You can pray for anything, and if you have faith, you will receive it."

Matthew 21:22

Anonymous said...

Wow!
Seems like the words just poured out, Wendi! I know people tell you all the time that your story encourages them. I think that the fact you "spill your guts" is what does it.
And that you are able to share-even those things that are so very private.
It sure seems that God is using your blog-and impresses upon your heart things that will touch others.
love ya lots,
mom k
ps: you were right about Scrubs being a HUGE part of your life:)

Aimee said...

I had to write and tell you that your post today hit me. On a slightly different level in that I have not struggled with infertility yet as I haven't even tried to have kids.
You see, I am still patiently waiting for "the one."
It is so hard to do. It is hard to understand why God is making me wait so long. He knows how much I want to be a wife and eventually a mother.
Patience is a hard lesson to learn and even harder to keep falling back on.
I am trying though and I know God does have someone special out there, I just have to be patient.
From the perspective of wanting children, I can't remember not ever having that dream. I have some potential issues that could become a reality once I start to pursue that realm, so I do think about infertility alot and just pray that I will be okay. I know that people like you however, will help if I ever have to face that journey.
And I'll be an older mom if I ever do get the chance. I am 31 this year and I keep thinking they consider women of "advanced maternal age" at 35 and its not that far off. Especially when you consider the dating, engagement and getting to know you factor is going to take time.
God does have a plan though!
Thanks for your sharing your insights!

Anonymous said...

Aimee,
I read your comments often and have been touched by your faith and kind words.
Rest assured, the Lord knows your heart and will probably bless you when you are least expecting it.I met my husband at a bus stop!
As far as the "advanced maternal age" God defintiely is in control and know from experience-having had children at 32,34, and 37 that though it is a concern, things can turn out just fine! My mother was 37,39 and 42! The only "problem" was they were a month early (mine as well)- which, actually wasn't such a bad thing:) I will be praying for you!
Mary (Wendi's mother-in-law)

yuan family said...

What an amazing post Wendi! Your faith has been strong throughout this whole journey and it has been so encouraging for others who are not just dealing with infertility...thanks!

AW said...

I can't speak to Wendi's post right now...just too much hurt there.

But I can speak to Aimee's comment...

Aimee,

I have to second Mary's comment. It will happen when you least expect it.

In October 2000, a guy friend asked me out on an official date. But it was 2 weeks later before it was to happen. In the meantime, I had two REALLY, REALLY terrible dates with two other guys. I remember calling my best friend telling her, "I'm done. No more. I'm becoming a nun and moving to a convent." Joking, but in my pain, was half serious. And I wasn't even Catholic.

Out of not wanting to back out of my committment to said guy friend, I went ahead and had that first date. And I'm so glad I did! That night changed my life. We knew within a few weeks, that this was "different". I had no idea that my life would change on a dime like that. I was 29 at the time, divorced, infertile, recently brokenhearted from a rebound relationship, with little hope because I felt like damaged goods.

This October Neil and I will have been together for 8 years, married very happily for 6. He is my best friend, confidant, partner-in-crime, buddy, my One. I think it's that much sweeter because my heart struggled for so many years over being single, divorced, and single again.

All that to say, your time is coming. When it arrives, rarely does it arrive expectedly. It surprises you, blows you over, feet in the air, wind knocked out of you, eyes agape and speechless. Just like humans, I think God takes some kind of perverse pleasure in blowing our minds like that. :-)

Continue being patient...

Blessings,
Andi

Tara said...

That was a great post, Wendi. :) Sometimes I just want to go back in time, smack myself and remind myself by saying just what you said: The Lord's plans are so much bigger than our own plans. The "resolution" to my infertility is not the first time I have seen proof of that ...and I'm sure it won't be the last struggle that I have where I'm wondering where God is. I guess I'm hard headed since it's a lesson I keep learning over and over.

And Aimee, there are so, so many similarities between the singleness struggle and the infertility struggle. I have been through both and just know you have people thinking of you and wishing only the very best for you and your heart's desires.

Anonymous said...

I knew your reflective post would come some time, and here it is...

Thanks for sharing your heart... = )

Anonymous said...

Wendi,

Your post spoke to my heart on a very deep level. Especially the part about your heart crying out that you had hurt enough, that you didn't need any more pain... I have cried and sobbed this to God in the midst of my IF, a failed ivf and fet cycle, and a miscarriage before that. My heart just can't comprehend MORE. It hurts.

I can't begin to tell you how very encouraging your story has been to me. Because you survived the heartache. Because you are on 'the other side' with more than one mind blowing miracle and because you still 'get it'. Thank you for sharing your heart and for not forgetting what it was like to be in the midst of it. (I still think you should write a book...just my 2 cents ;)

-RJMB from HP

Anonymous said...

Wendi,
Every once in a while I visit your blog and I am so glad I did today - though my story is much different I know the feeling of broken dreams and the loss of 'what we thougth would be'. I feel blessed to have learned some of these lessons earlier in life, I know there are so many more to come. It gives me hope even though I do generally feel positive and hopeful about the direction our life (my husband and myself), it gives me 'refresh' to read today's entry to remember though things will be happening much later than I ever thought they will be happening - again today I fel a serge of excitment at what God is doing in our lives. Sometimes I feel so caught up in the now that I forget that, Lord willing, someday I will get to be that mother to those special children I've always wanted - I am sooooo excited for that day!!! Thanks for reminding me that God has perfect timing and knows the desires of our hearts! (All day I will be thinking of our hopefully one day China baby(ies)).
Thanks,
L:)
(Joia's frined)

Virginia said...

Wendi,
Virginia Jones here. I have wondered how you all were doing and prayed for you over the years, so I followed Deanna's blog to yours. I remember the waiting and the confusion as time passed wishing our family of 2 could be 3 or 4and I have worried about you. But, the faithfulness of God is indeed so amazing! Unfortunatley, as you have found, we can only truly know the depths of it by walking through times of difficulty and heartache. I had a pastor tell me once that there are spiritual depths that cannot be experieced except through trials, and he is so right. Each of our adoptions was scary beyond description, but each has brought me closer to the Lord and taught me to trust Him in new ways. (Can't we be done with that lesson already?) Somewhere between adopting Josh in Texas and Marina in Russia (right after Kelly's death...man talk about a trial) the Lord showed me that the Bible does not speak of time as passing, but of coming (when the fullness of time had come...) and that everything that happens as we wait for His timing is because of His great love for us (all thing work together for good...). You seem to have already embraced this. His ways do seem so slow sometimes, but you are right... it all happened exactly as it was supposed to. And when the fullness of time had come you became parents. He knew and He waited and it absolutley was the best way. But, now that you can see it from this side, you really will be more willing to trust Him and His timing. Because He will continue to show you how it all fits together. And the one thing I "hear" from your blogs is the intense compassion He has created in you for people who are hurting. He will use that to bring others comfort and point them to Him (2 Cor 1:4) and you will be so blessed because of it.

I am excited beyond description for you guys! Congratulations!
Blessings!!!
-Virginia