Am I really pregnant?

The life of being pregnant has gotten considerably better for me as I near the end of week 12 and thus, almost the end of Trimester 1.

My nausea is considerably better. Yesterday evening I was feeding Isaac and an Arby's commercial danced across the screen. I found myself thinking, Wow that sounds good instead of I'm going to barf. Change the channel quick! When out with JB the other night, I thought of 6 or 7 different restaurants that I could have eaten dinner at compared to previously having trouble thinking of even one.

I am also considerably less tired. I am sure this parallels with Isaac sleeping through the night, but quite honestly, the kid has been a good sleeper for weeks now, while I am just now feeling that it is possible to make it through the day without a nap. During weeks 3-10, I had to plan my day around being home for an afternoon nap. Without it, I'd find myself getting teary-eyed and telling the dog some very mean things! I'm glad JB was here to remind me that Scrubs really hadn't changed -- my ability to deal with Scrubs had changed. I'm also thankful to a few friends with dogs who reminded me that Scrubs really wasn't that bad at all. They'd list all the things that their dog did (read Marley and Me) and I realized, Scrubby was pretty darn good. I really do love my pup, and he is such a huge part of our life. Good thing for him he's so cute!

It is difficult for me to believe that I actually am, pregnant -- especially now that the nausea and fatigue is better. I just can't believe that after so many years I am actually pregnant with a child. It is quite surreal. When I go in for ultrasounds, I watch the screen, but quite honestly, am unable to officially tell my brain that this child is growing inside of me. I flash back to Bri's ultrasounds and can't help but think that I am sitting next to her again -- watching this occurring in someone else. The thing that hit me the most at my ultrasound last week was seeing the cord. That kid is feeding off of me! Inside me! What the heck is going on here?!

I suppose when I start showing it will seem even more real. When I am more uncomfortable and don't fit into my own clothes it'll feel "for sure". But for now, my body cannot convince my mind that this has happened to us. I had finally reached a place in my life where I was okay with how things were. We were so thrilled to be Isaac's parents, and we both truly felt that even if it was just the three of us forever, we were okay with that. We were content. Even if something happened with the China adoption, and the Lord didn't open the door for us to adopt any other children, we'd be happy being Isaac's parents.

I am reminded daily how much bigger the Lord's plans are than our own plans. I know, without a doubt, that had we gotten pregnant when we wanted, our marriage would not be what it is today. Isaac would not be here. And we would not be making plans to travel to China to pick up our daughter. As we watch Isaac smiling and giggling and growing so fast, we cannot even begin to imagine our lives without him. He is such an amazing blessing. And he will always know that. He will always know how much he was wanted. He will always know that he was our firstborn and so amazingly important to us.

I also struggle wondering why we spent five years in doctors' offices going through infertility treatments. Should we have done that? Was that what God wanted? I don't know how to answer those questions. I know that JB and I prayed along every step we took during our years dealing with infertility and followed peace to the best of our ability. I know that our journey was not without reason.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to have lunch with a new friend here on base -- a friend dealing with infertility. What a wonderful gal -- and someone I wished I could have met earlier in my time here, during the lonely months after we first got to Eglin. I know that even though we have Isaac and a new baby on the way, my heart is still so with individuals dealing with grief and loss, infertility and adoption, and life's disappointments. I don't think that will ever change. Maybe I needed to travel that road simply to understand. Maybe that was the only reason.

I am so blessed when people tell me that my story has encouraged them. I need to hear that! I worry so much that this blog has turned into a place of hurt for women waiting for a child instead of a place where they can see that God is still in the business of doing miracles. I always knew He still did miracles, but I had really gotten to a place that I just didn't believe He was going to do a miracle for us. Lord, help me in my unbelief. God did not forget me and remember everyone else. It just wasn't my time for Him to remember me. Can we wait for our time? Will I be able to wait, in the future, patiently, when my prayers aren't answered in my time? I hope so but know that it is a lot easier said than done.

I have had to put out of my mind the fact that we have seven "sticky babies" waiting for us at the Mayo Clinic. When we decided to do IVF, we decided that we would not fail to give any of our embryos a chance at joining us in this world. We are committed to that decision and will one day go back. But right now, there is obviously too much going on to think about that. The time will come, and we'll deal with that then. For now, we have a few other things that need to take priority.

Thank you for reading my blog and following us on this amazing adventure. It's still leaves me breathless that we are where we are now after writing posts like this: IVF #1 or this one IVF #2 or IVF #3 or this one IVF #4. That after all that, we would now be pregnant. No shots. No blood draws. No catheters. No cervical dilations. No acupuncturists. No pills. No mental breakdowns. No migraines. No doctors. Just God. Pretty amazing.

I hope that if you are in the midst of dealing with infertility, pregnancy loss, or some other difficult event in life, that you will find encouragement. So many times, I would visit other websites and see someone get the success story that I dreamed about. What was I doing wrong? How many people needed to pray? How hard did I need to pray? In the end, the truth was, God was with me. He was with us. He was watching. He hurt with us. He understood the pain. But He also knew better. He knew about Isaac. He knew about our China daughter. He knew about all the people I needed to meet along the path of this journey. How different my life would be had it gone the way I wanted. And to be honest, I truly believe that I would not be the Christian I am today had it gone the way I wanted. My marriage would not be what it is today had it gone the way we wanted. JB and I are different people today because of that journey. He is a different doctor. I love hearing the stories from appointments with women dealing with infertility. He is able to tell them he understands. He truly understands.

I remember, very clearly, after my failed IVF #2, walking out of the bathroom at Mayo and saying, out loud, "Okay God. That's it. That's enough pain. I can be a witness and help people with this amount of pain. I don't need anymore to understand."

But I did. I needed more. He needed me to do more. He needed me to be childless when Bri found out she was with child. He needed me to be childless when the idea of China came into our minds. He needed me to be childless when I met Kelly and Roberta at Christ Community and start Hearts Like Hannah. He needed me to be childless when I learned that I was now eligible to be in the "long-term primary infertility" group on my online discussion board. Not a club I was excited to join but a place I needed to go. I needed to be an encouragement to other women. I needed to remind them that you can be okay and happy and content and settled (even though some days I wasn't any of those) even if you were long-term PI. How did Wendi, the girl the doctors said, "IVF was made for people like you," end up here? It's where God wanted me. It's where He needed me.

I know this isn't the end of our story, and I just pray that as I grow in Christ and in life, I am able to look back and remember God's faithfulness and trust Him when things aren't going my way. Even if we had never gotten pregnant, I know that He had a plan for us as we dealt with this demon of infertility. I hope I can remember that when new obstacles emerge. He is there. He's crying with us. But His plan is bigger than any plan we could possibly imagine.