My first baby shower

I have spent the last four years avoiding baby showers. I figured out how to visit Target.com and send a gift without every stepping foot in a baby store. I've been very honest, explaining to the host that I was just unable to emotionally handle the event. I have been to a few, and even hosted two of them early in our infertility journey, but for the most part, I've steered clear fairly successfully.

During the last year of our infertility journey, I began to grieve the things that hurt so much about infertility. Early on, I refused to grieve, confident that I would get to do these things one day. But at some point, I had to allow myself to grieve the fact that I might not be able to do some of these things. As I have mentioned many times on this blog, I never gave up the hope that we would be parents. But I had to reach the step in my journey that I became okay with who I was and who we were as a couple, as we were. Childless. That was spiritual as much as emotional and physical. I had to be okay as the child of God that he made. Not the child of God that I wanted to be.

But grief about specific instances still abounded. Not being able to tell my parents they would be grandparents. Not being able to tell my husband we were pregnant. Finding out the sex of our baby. Saying, "It's time!" and rushing off to the hospital. Breast feeding. Belly patting. Baby showers. Visitors. Gifts. First birthday parties (complete with the strange tradition of allowing a child to smear cake every which way possible.) First steps. You get the idea.

When we decided to adopt from China, I was excited, but still sad that I would miss out on a whole year of our little girl's life, and thus, the opportunity to have some of those moments back. But I was okay with that. I came to accept the fact that I may never parent a newborn.

However, news of the May baby has changed all that. We have a bassinet in our nursery. A bassinet! A bassinet is for itty bitty babies! That means we are going to have an itty bitty baby! That, is so cool. We will be this child's parents from the moment he is born. What an amazing gift that is to get. What amazing people Chris and Bri are to let us have that.

Another exciting moment in this journey?! Baby showers! Initially, when Bri asked us to parent this child, I told everyone that baby showers could wait until after the final paperwork had been signed. However, as time went by and we realized Bri's decision to place this child with us was secure, I let this fear go a bit. We now have a half dozen showers that have been planned or are being planned for this little guy! How cool is that?

Sunday is our first shower! Matt and Tiffany are hosting a true Texan baby shower. Matt has rented a smoker and couples are invited to the party! This should be a great time. Unfortunately, the greatest picture taker ever, Joia, can't be there which means I may have to figure out another way to get some photos out of the event. :)

I am really excited about this shower and the two that will follow the first week of April in south Florida. As some of you know, my mom is hosting an open house, and Bri's side of the family is planning a "joint" shower to shower me with baby gifts and Bri with gifts for her new apartment! Some people have thought this was a bit "different," and I guess it is different, but you have to understand my relationship with Bri and Joan and her family to understand that this feels completely normal. Surreal. But normal. Our families have always been intimately linked. This child is just another step in that bond.

Anyways, I write this whole post to say what could have been said in just one sentence. I AM EXCITED ABOUT THIS BABY SHOWER! And glad to un-grieve one of my griefs. Baby shower. Cross that off the list! :)