Thought processing in my jumbled mind

I feel like this road I am on is a continual battle and a continual slew of thought-processing.

A typical minute of thoughts?

Remember the bigger picture. Don't be jealous. Don't worry that you have had two failed attempts. God has a bigger plan. Listen to His calling. Go where He calls you. It's okay if you go there without children. Try IVF again. Don't worry if the result is negative. Jealousy is wrong. God has a bigger picture, Wendi. I need chocolate. Think of His bigger picture. Don't worry that it didn't work. It can work the next time. Can it work the next time? Should there be a next time? What does God want? Remember the bigger picture. Don't want this so badly. Give it to God. Trust Him. He's in control. Don't be jealous ...

I think you get the idea. My counselor suggested the book by Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind. I think maybe I need to get that book. My mind is definitely a huge battlefield right now. I wouldn't suggest you visit it for longer than the brief glimpse I just gave you. You may not come out alive.

JB and I are, thankfully, on the same page, with the direction of our life. That page is that we feel the Lord preparing us for His calling. In fact, we find it eerie how "on the same page" we are. We definitely feel the Lord pushing us in directions that we aren't sure we want to go. If I had gotten pregnant, when I wanted, when I was 26, I definitely know what my life would be like now. I would be a mom. That would be my calling. That would be my job. That would be what I was supposed to be doing.

But instead, I am not a mom, and JB is not a dad. Eight years of marriage, and it is still just the two of us. And instead, that has gotten my brain going in a thousand different directions. You can listen a lot more and be directed a lot more when there isn't a lot tying you down. What's even stranger is that it appears JB's brain is working in simultaneous function to my own. We definitely know the Lord has a calling on our life, but we aren't sure we agree with what that calling may be nor do we think the Lord has made it perfectly clear what it is. We just know that this time of infertility has allowed us to think about the "bigger picture".

I'm not sure this makes sense, and if doesn't, don't worry, it isn't you. It's definitely me. It's hard to be articulate when you write when you can't even be articulate when you think.

Okay, time to return to my brain.

Remember the bigger picture. Don't be jealous. Don't worry that you have had two failed attempts. God has a bigger plan. Listen to His calling. Go where He calls you. It's okay if you go there without children. Try IVF again. Don't worry if the result is negative. Jealousy is wrong. God has a bigger picture, Wendi. I need chocolate. Think of His bigger picture. Don't worry that it didn't work. It can work the next time. Can it work the next time? Should there be a next time? What does God want? Remember the bigger picture. Don't want this so badly. Give it to God. Trust Him. He's in control. Don't be jealous ...