Please pray for us

It is 9:30 on Friday night. My dear husband is in bed, trying to take an hour nap before going in for his 11pm-7am ER shift. I have decided not to go to bed at the same time as him as I have mentioned before, I am not the best bed mate and often cost him hours with my tossing and turning.

So instead, you are graced with my third post in one day. I'm so sorry!

JB and I have spent the last two hours talking, and as he went to bed, I told him I was going to blog a request for prayer before I myself went to sleep. I wanted to ask you all to be praying for JB and I as we rethink our decision to fertilize 19 eggs.

As I discuss this, please note that I recognize there are many women reading this who have done or are doing IVF and who have made different decisions from the ones we are making. Please know that each and every situation is completely different and your decision, if led by the Spirit, was the right one for you. I can only share what the Lord is doing in us, today, and in no way condemn or question what He led you to personally do.

Tonight we connected with some dear friends and as we said the number 19 out loud (as the decision was only a few hours old), we started having some misgivings. Our goal from the beginning of this infertility journey has been to put the Lord first and our feelings about life first. We have always refrained from "being greedy" which is why we decided not to transfer three so early in the game. We are committed to use each and every sticky baby that we freeze. Obviously, we can't control if something were to happen that prohibited this and have therefore created an "Advanced Directive" that would leave these little pieces of life to another couple if something were to happen to one or both of us.

However, this afternoon, as we thought might happen, we felt a little "put on the spot" with the doctor asking us to make a decision while he sat there, and we went with a number higher than we have ever uttered. I feel I can share all this because, from the beginning, I have let this blog be a place of honesty and have never refrained from sharing "how I am feeling at the moment." I do not promise that anything I say is fact or will stay as fact. I can only say what is fact at the time. I can only say what we are feeling at the time.

Anyways, the number 19 is no longer fact, and we both feel that we would like to re-sign the paperwork sometime in the next two weeks and choose a lower number. We are not sure where that number will fall right now. Two hours wasn't enough time to finalize it, and we decided to let JB take a late-night nap with the decision not completely resolved. Dr. C told us we could change our mind up until the day of retrieval so we don't feel too rushed. Obviously, Dr. C wants us to fertilize as many as possible, however, we know he respects our feelings about life.

It is so unbelievably hard to look at this from every angle and make sure you are doing what is right and what the Lord wants for you. You want to be cautious, but yet, you want it to work. You want enough chances, but not too many chances. It is a very difficult decision and one that I do not wish any of the people I love to ever have to make.

At first I regretted that I had blogged earlier tonight with the numbers we had chosen, but then I realized that my blog presents me "as I am." That is how we were this afternoon. And this is how we are this evening. Check back tomorrow, and I am sure we will change again. This is a journey, as I have often said, and a journey doesn't necessarily take you in a straight line.

Either way, I must tell you, that as I read past entries on my blog, my writing has revealed my growth throughout this journey. This is why I say that this blog is not only for you who read but for me and JB as well.

I started this infertility journey as a woman who felt purposeless. A woman who felt like the only thing she had been called to do had been ripped away from her. I felt directionless. I felt aimless. I felt like my husband had a calling (medicine) but my calling to stand by his side, would now be extremely boring and lacking fulfillment. I like the idea of having goats and everything (if you do not know what I am talking about, take a look back at my posts on Goat U or Green Acres is the place for me for an explanation) don't get me wrong, but I really didn't think that would bring me fulfillment if I didn't have kids to share it with.

What I have since come to realize is that His purpose is greater. If I am going to be a mother, it will be SECONDARY to His calling for His kingdom using my life. I see that now. We have always felt a heart for missions and His kingdom, and I have realized that His kingdom is what is important, not my need for motherhood. Whether it be in Africa or India or with troubled teens on a farm in Tennessee, He has a plan for us that involves more than me being a mother.

That does not mean I will not be a mother. I do feel whether it is biologically or through adoption, children will one day call us mom and dad. God knows who those children are, and He is not limited by our decision on the number of eggs to fertilize. So we will rethink. We will pray. We will seek council. And we will trust Him, as we have tried to do all along, to show us His way.

Please pray for us as we "seek ye first the kingdom of God."