Being in God's Will

 

 

(So that's actually my dog, Ritter, who, honestly, doesn't seem to be stressed about anything ... ever. So in all fairness, I just put that picture up there because it's mighty cute.)

In fact, it is ...

time to peel back another part of the onion ...

... this time ... it's ...

being in God's will. 

Am I doing God's will? Am I living for Him? Am I doing what He asked me to do? Have I stepped out on my own instead? Am I not listening? Do I hear him? Did I hear him? And what about my children? Am I leading them correctly? Am I a good Mom? What if I am doing it all wrong? What if I fail them? 

It's amazing that I can keep struggling with new things. It's amazing that you can go through life and continue to look at things you always lived and always did and see them in totally different ways now. 

Man, the growth NEVER ENDS. 

And, these challenging thoughts come to me each time the fatigue hits me. Once I get tired and behind on rest, it's like I don't have the stamina to fight off the ANTs. (That stands for automatic negative thoughts) that just come at me left and right.

The struggle has gotten better, but it's still SO REAL and SO HARD. Sometimes I wish I could go back into my oblivious bubble instead of looking so much of this straight in the face.

Being a parent is hard. Really hard. Parenting with another person is hard. John and I don't see things exactly the same. I'm trying. I feel like a failure. This is hard. Life is hard. 

I realize that I am desperate to try and make sure that I am doing what God wants me to do. I look for signs that I'm doing it right. I'm so fearful of not being in his will.

Why?

I can only guess, or, with Kim's guidance I came to realize, that I do not trust myself. I can't possibly know so my comfort is to make sure that God knows. If it is His will than I do not have trust myself. 

Gosh, undoing years of backwards thinking is SO HARD TO UNDO. 

I've learned so much in the last year as I have battled this anxiety/depression beast that was actually a beast of poor thinking that had trapped me into living my life in a prison I did not even know I was in.