H-A-R-D

This healing journey is: 

H

A

R

D

I want it to be over. I want it to be done. I am so tired of the stretching and the pain and the growth that is required of me. 

Why did I have to do this? Why did it have to be me? I wish sometimes I could go back into the naivety I lived in before all of this had to be dissected and pulled apart. 

Kim describes the grief inside me like a big ball of yarn. And I'm unraveling it. And sometimes, the unraveling is not that challenging. But sometimes I come to a point that I need to really work at unraveling again. I can’t figure out which was to go to detangle the yarn. So many knots!

I'm at that spot again. 

The last week has been hard for me. I'm so angry with myself. How hard is it for me to just trust that those who love me ... love me? How can I doubt so much? How can I get so afraid? Why can't I let the people in my life do and be what they need to be without it making me feel like the discomfort might cause me to DIE. 

In the end, I make their struggles all about me. They are pulling back because they need rest or time, and my nervous system says, "Wendi this is about you. They are hurting you. You caused this. You are part of this. This is your fault."

The anxiety (pain?) is sitting in my chest. 

The truth is, however, that I know it will dissipate. In the past, I feared that pain. Thought it might never go away and that I'd have to sit in it forever. This time I am able to see that this is a moment of grief. I am having to grieve things that have hurt me in the past and the miswiring of ny brain and accept that I had learned some improper ways of dealing with things. I have to figure out ways to handle things better in the future.

I remember when I was in college, I had a former friend write me a letter and basically chew me out. My people-pleasing had clobbered me again and she called me on it. She told me she was so tired of me operating with a fear of someone being mad at me. 

She was totally right.

Only I had no idea why I did that and how to stop it from happening again.

Basically what happens in me is that I feel the people "thing" and my body goes, "This feels awful. Alert. Alert!" My brain says, "You are in danger! This could hurt really bad! Fix it! Fix it!" And then I go into overdrive to try and fix it.

I realize that in these moments, I’d rather the friend just walk away and leave me completely then me have to sit in the discomfort and fear. 

The overdrive has slowed down considerably. I know what is happening now. I can feel it. So I try to stop it. I can outsmart it. The pain isn't as intense. I've healed a lot. But I still feel it and my "bossy amy" (aka amygdalia) is still trying to alert me to the danger I fear. 

I know I am healing and getting better but this week I'm mad that I have to deal with this. It's not my fault! I would have stopped this had I understood it or known it! I don't want to live this way. I fear people being upset with me or abandoning me the way others might fear a bear in the woods. I truly feel that the fear may kill me. And I’ll do anything to stop it. 

 

But, as I remind myself often, I won't let this monster eat my daughters (or sons.) And so I am throwing myself inbetween the yuckyness and them. I would die for them. So I am feeling this pain for them. 

It's just SO exhausting. And it hurts SO bad.

But this is the "U" that I have learned so much about. I’m reminded again that this whole journey is a big U. 

The pit, the hardness, is the death on Good Friday. But I know Sunday is coming! In the meantime, I am in the Saturday. I'm not there all the time now. There's lot of happiness in things now as I feel like I'm starting to make the climb to Sunday.

But sometimes I slip down. And I have to peel back another layer of the onion. 

This is another layer. 

And it's painful.

It's: 

H

A

R

D

!

I won’t keep it all inside me. I will share it. I will allow others to grow with me. There is joy in the morning!