More Onion Layers

Time for a new layer. 

Time to peel back another part of the onion that is ...

me. 

It's interesting how you can live your whole life and not have the capacity (or the energy?) to see something. That now you can see so clearly.

I haven't realized that my entire life, I have feared not being in God's will. I think I failed to see this was something that bothered me because, truthfully, the people-pleasing-problems (I call it my PPP :) was so intense, I didn't have the bandwidth to look at anything else. 

But now that the PPP has lessened, I get the opportunity to look at other things.

(Isn't that so great!? More introspection! Will it ever stop?)

Today I spoke with Kim, and I was able to pull back another layer. This time, the layers pulling back doesn't hurt me as much as it did in the past. I am not in the throngs of anxiety and depression. But they are still ... uncomfortable.

Today I pulled back the fact that I DO NOT TRUST MYSELF.

Not sure where or when or how that thought came in, but I have had to correct the message that says: 

I'm only okay if everyone else is okay

and now I am learning to also correct the message that says 

I'm not wise enough to make my own decisions. I must be able to see that I am in God's will. I must see proof of his intention and me following the right path.

Not true. Of course.

I am wise. I pray. I listen. I strive. I am willing to allow a door to be shut. i have my good friends. My husband. I am able to listen to the Lord without needing proof that I am listening. 

But, I don't know that I do truly know that. 

And so the onion reveals another layer.

Opening this Clinic in Asheville with JB and watching all the pieces come together has been awe-inspiring. But every step of the way I've thought, "What are we doing?" or "Why are we doing this?" or "What if we aren't supposed to be doing this?" The questions are endless. And they only stem from the fact that I don't completely trust myself.

Not that this decision was my decision of course. This decision was made by many people along the way. I was only a small piece in the complexity of the puzzle and the machine. 

I have had so many opportunities to see Christ's intentionality in my life. But that doesn't mean that I will always get to see it. Maybe I won't see it until heaven. Maybe, on Earth, I will never understand how He works or why He did what He did.

Recently, one of these small "gifts" was to see a very dear person in our life go back to church for the first time in over a decade. This is something I have prayed for diligently. It is also someone that the Lord had commanded John and I to keep in our lives. We felt continually called to love this person. To not try to engage in some of our differences. To simply open our arms and our hearts. 

I truly did NOT believe this person would ever leave what they were following to return to their first love. But, now, I think, perhaps they will. Perhaps they will have the opportunity to see Jesus in the way I know Him. 

But what if I didn't get the opportunity to see that in my lifetime. What if that person moved away and disappeared and I never saw her again, and I had no idea what happened to her? Would I still believe that I listened to the Lord as He asked me to love this person unconditionally? Or, is it only because I might actually get to see it that I believe it. 

These are 

hard

deep

big

challenging

questions. Questions that I may never get the complete answer to.

For now, I am excited that I get to experience these questions without intense pain and anxiety and depression.

This video below, I think, sort of explains HOW a Christian can learn to not trust themselves. Please note: I LOVE ME SOME JESUS! I have not turned from Jesus at all. I am also not specifically blaming someone in my life that forced this theology on me. Instead, I think it is simply a narrative that Christians "adopt" and kind of repeat without really thinking about the implications. I am trying to teach my children differently. I'm trying to tell them: JESUS WILL LEAD YOU. YOU CAN TRUST HIM. But I'm also trying to show them that Jesus often leads by allowing our body to understand what He is saying. Our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. We are MADE in his image. Therefore, our body CAN BE TRUSTED. I think many Christians do not trust their thoughts or bodies because we believe we are sinners at the core. We are! But we also have Christ living inside these broken bodies!