Processing

I am just now beginning to process everything that has gone on in my life in the last few weeks. I now know that IVF #5 is complete. I also know that we have no embryos remaining. This means that I will never, ever again participate in an infertility protocol to try to have children.

My blog has been a bit on the "slighter" slide in recent weeks. The reason has been two-fold. The first is that we've been busy. Visiting America for three weeks takes a lot out of you. JB's entire family was in Fort Lauderdale. That in and of itself is a whole lot of people. (He has three brothers and two sisters.) I had hoped to see some other friends while we were home, but with time the way it was, I barely got enough time with the family.

The second reason is that I have been dealing quite prominently with some depression and anxiety. It was as if, upon taking the first shot of lupron back around Thanksgiving, that I began sliding into a deep hole. I knew it was the medication? But knowing why you are sliding doesn't always make the slide easier.

I have learned a lot about infertility treatments. Doing this cycle with three children, meant doing this cycle without grieving my childlessness. This meant I had a very different perspective. I realized that the deep sadness and grief that surrounded each try with IVF we previously experienced was more than infertility. It was drugs. These drugs are no joke. I stopped taking lupron the day after we arrived in Minnesota and I have steadily felt myself return to normal. I am not there yet, but I am getting there.

Many people have asked me how I feel knowing that our last cycle of IVF, of which we should get the results in about a week, is complete. The biggest word I feel is relief. I wanted to give each and every embryo we let the doctors create, a chance at life. We have now done that.

So what am I praying? I am simply praying Thy Will Be Done. That is all I know what to pray. I do not know the future of my family. God has obviously written a story vastly different than any story I can write. I must allow him to write it.

I can honestly say that I am at peace with whatever the result may be. I did not feel this way with the previous transfers, obviously. This time, I truly feel blessed beyond belief with the three children He has given me. If He gives me 1 or 2 more, fantastic. If he does not, that is okay too. I am peace.

There are so many "what if's" that I have had to force myself not to ask those. I cannot even go into the future, especially considering my emotional state, so I am not going to try to. I am going to try to live in the shadow of his wings, right now, at present.

Also I wanted to make sure to leave you all with some previous posts that you may want to peruse. No one can understand the deep and dark place that depression is. No one can explain what it feels like to be plagued by anxiety. The only people who can come close are those who have lived it. I have written posts in the past about these very topics. If you are struggling with either of these things (or are loving some one who is), I pray these posts provide you with some direction and guidance.

Anxiety: What I learned in Counseling

Post Part Depression: My Journey