Saturday, October 10, 2015

How I feel about this photo

This picture has been whizzing around the Internet during the last week, and more than once, I have been asked my opinion of it.

(If you can't tell what it is, it is a baby surrounded by needles -- needles used to administer medicines to the mother in order for her birth to come to be.)

I have to admit that when I first saw the picture, I thought it was a bit odd. Not something I would have done. Even a bit strange.

But if I am being honest, as I have seen the picture more and more, I have to admit, that each time I see it, I have to fight back tears.

I am a bit surprised by this emotion. My infertility journey is now many years behind me, and it doesn't often "catch" me anymore.

But this picture does.

In fact, just this morning, as I was feeding geese, a scripture came into my mind. It was Joel 2:25. "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten..."

While out on a date with my husband last week, I told him that this is the first year since we were first diagnosed with infertility issues in 2003 that I actually feel like the real Wendi again.

Each year since that initial diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, I have spent time emotionally effected by hormones and drugs. First with four years of infertility and then with pregnancies and complications and depression.

But this year ... 2015 ... I am me again.

And I am me with a fourth child that was an embryo created in a laboratory in Rochester, Minnesota. She would not be here if it wasn't for those years and years and years of pain and disappointment. And if you get right down to it, none of my children would be.

I read a little back story on the picture above and was especially moved by the following quote:

"Didn't even tell my husband what this was, just handed him the phone. I saw tears form in his eyes as he probably also went through the memories of countless nights, over our four year journey, that he gave me shots."

This is how I feel when I think back on those years of infertility treatments. JB and I were emotionally and physically and financially and mentally spent during those long years.

But the baby in the center of our hearts?

Totally worth it.


Anonymous said...

Although I understand where she is going with the photo ..To be honest when I saw this picture it discouraged me. I tend to believe it was the power of God and his timing that had everything to do with it not the million fertility drugs that didn't work time and time again. He has the power to give you all the desires of your heart and the path that is right for your life. I give the glory to God .

-Katie Giles

Anonymous said...

I had a similar reaction. When I first saw this I thought it was perverted in some way and found it hard to look at. A baby surrounded by needles seemed controversial. But as I zoomed in on it, I totally get it.
Four IVF rounds is a lot of needles, injections, and pain. As you have written, spent in a lot more ways than one!
If I could, I would like a photo calage of all the moments Travis and I had mourning over the baby we wanted so very much and then a picture of baby T! In my memory, though, it is crystal clear. Let me never forget and be ever thankful for modern technology and the miracle of birth!

Love you!

Wendi Kitsteiner said...

Katie, I totally get what you are saying and do not disagree at all. However, what I think this is, is a reminder of the pain and grief that infertility was for me. And honestly, in some way, it is cleansing and freeing to remember that. It is a part of her story and my story. I totally believe God designs for life but I believe he uses doctors in this journey.