Adoption Grief

They were almost yours.

And now they are not.

A person who has never travelled the adoption road cannot comprehend the loss that comes with this journey.

Many couples who find themselves on an adoption road have already experienced incredible loss.

Loss of babies.

Loss of dreams.

Loss of privacy.

Loss of family.

And then they find themselves with new dreams. Dreams of adoption. Dreams of a child who needs a home. Dreams of being that home for a child or sibling group.

People who watch infertility grief unfold will often throw out the suggestion, "Why don't you adopt?" These well meaning suggestors want the pain to go away, and adoption seems like a guarantee on ending the loss and sadness.

Those suggesters have no idea what they are actually suggesting.

They are asking a couple, already plagued by failed dreams and hopes ... a couple who has already answered the phone so many times to hear a NO ... to do it all over again.

Only in a different way.

This week I watched someone I love do exactly that.

After years of trying to have a baby and years of watching that dream not come true, and years of watching everyone around them see the miracle they can only dream about, they decided to adopt.

And yesterday they lost again.

They watched the hope that they had be handed to a different family.

A deserving family mind you. Another family that was sitting on the edge of their seats as well. A family that today is celebrating while my friends are grieving.

And of course you can rationalize what they went through with so many words that in the end, don't change the fact that they are still childless.

Yes, their hope went to a deserving family that God designed for them to be with. Yes, there will ultimately be more rays of hope, and one of those rays of hope will belong to them. Yes, they will be better and stronger because of the loss. They will have learned and they will give to others and the perfect miracle will one day sit in their laps.

But today they awaken to empty laps.

Again.

All the while the world around them continues to move in the same way it had before. Women who don't want babies are having them. Families who can't take care of children are abandoning them. People who don't deserve a child are abusing them. Friends and family continue to have children and take pictures and post them on Facebook and talk about their "perfect family."

And still they wait.

And while they wait for the perfect childless child to be their child, they know that the loss they experienced yesterday could happen all over again. And the only way to find the miracle is to face the fact that they have to open themselves up again. They have to try again. And they could be disappointed again.

Just adopt.

Just be vulnerable.

Just risk.

Just hope.

Just dream.

Just do it all again. And maybe again.

Loss while they wait for their miracle. Grief while hoping. Sadness while expectant.

To my friends and to others waiting, I'm waiting with you. I'm praying for you. I'm hoping by your side. Hang on.

Your miracle is coming.