What's the deal?

 

I recently read an advice column letter. Here was the question:

Carolyn:

Best friend has child. Her: exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc. Me (no kids): Wow. Sorry. What'd you do today? Her: Park, play group . . .

Okay. I've done Internet searches, I've talked to parents. I don't get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners . . . I do all those things, too, and I don't do them EVERY DAY. I guess what I'm asking is: What is a typical day and why don't moms have time for a call or e-mail? I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events) and I manage to get it all done. I'm feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy -- not a bad thing at all -- but if so, why won't my friend tell me the truth? Is this a peeing contest ("My life is so much harder than yours")? What's the deal? I've got friends with and without kids and all us child-free folks get the same story and have the same questions.

 

I'll let you click over to the website yourself if you want to read the advice columnist physically constrain herself from jumping through the computer to strangle the woman as she attempts a civil answer.



 

In my opinion, anyone who wonders what this woman questioned in writing, needs to just spend one week with three small children and a big dog in a country where there is no support from any family. Therir question will be answered. This woman obviously has not been around children at all. Or the ones she has been around were abnormal and well past the age where they needed soemone to: (a) make their food (b) feed them their food (c) change their clothes (d) wipe their bottoms (e) put them to sleep (f) watch them at all times ... (you get the idea.)

 

This reminds me of an event in our lives while we were in Turkey. The housing people decided that they wanted to move our sliding glass door lock from the top of the door to the bottom. They said that this was to keep up to fire code. My husband and I, naturally, thought this was a terrible idea. So my husband emailed the man in charge of the decision. Here was the exchange that occurred.

 

John: "I wanted to ask you why you decided to put the locks to the sliding glass doors on the bottom of the doors."

 

Man-in-charge: "It's to keep with fire code. Children need to be able to open the doors and get out of the house if there is a fire."

 

John: "Right, but I have two two-year-olds. They know how to open these locks and they can let themselves outside."

 

Man-in-charge: "Yes, they need to be able to do that in the case of a fire."

 

John: "Right, but they can do it when there is not a fire. I think the likelihood of a fire is much lower than the likelihood of them opening the lock and getting out of the house."

 

Man-in-charge: "If your child is being left alone long enough that they can open the door themselves, then they are not being properly supervised."

 

Eeeeeeekkkkkkkkk! Talk about wanting to jump through the computer and physically strangle someone. Is this man being supervised? My husband stopped the email communication at that point. He was obviously speaking to someone who had no reality of what it meant to watch a toddler all day long. (And therefore he especially didn't know what it felt like to watch two of them.) When, may I ask, should I use the bathroom? When, may I ask, should I make that toddler food? And when, in the name of all that is realistic, should I change the brother's diaper?

 

There is no point, in my opinion, in detailing all the things that a stay-at-home mom does and why it is so hard. I'm not comparing myself to other women and how hard their life is. I have done different lives. All of them have been hard.

 

• I was a Division I college athlete while maintaining a 3.8GPA. Not easy. Very hard. Very tired. Exhausted continually. My days were very hard.
• I was a teacher and a coach for five years. I worked seventy hour weeks. My days were very hard.
• I worked as a writer and an editor and my husband was in medical school full-time. This was not as hard of a period of my life. But it was still challenging being as my husband really couldn't help me with anything.
• I worked at home forty hours a week while my husband was an intern in his medical residency. This was lonely. Not fun. Hard.
• I worked twenty hours a week from home during Isaac's first year of life. This was quite challenging.
• I had two baby boys 8.5 months apart while my husband was doing his residency and serving as chief resident. That was very hard.
• And now I am a stay-at-home mom of three children under four (and a big dog). I could write a whole post detailing what I do every day. There really isn't a point. Let me just say that it is hard to have three little kids and a big dog.

I don't think we need to compare our lives to the lives of others. I am not aruging that this woman who wrote this note does not have hard days. I am sure she does. But to think that a stay-at-home mom's life is easy. This is where I must draw the line.