Wednesday, August 29, 2012

What's the deal?

 
I recently read an advice column letter. Here was the question:

Carolyn:

Best friend has child. Her: exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc. Me (no kids): Wow. Sorry. What'd you do today? Her: Park, play group . . .
Okay. I've done Internet searches, I've talked to parents. I don't get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners . . . I do all those things, too, and I don't do them EVERY DAY. I guess what I'm asking is: What is a typical day and why don't moms have time for a call or e-mail? I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events) and I manage to get it all done. I'm feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy -- not a bad thing at all -- but if so, why won't my friend tell me the truth? Is this a peeing contest ("My life is so much harder than yours")? What's the deal? I've got friends with and without kids and all us child-free folks get the same story and have the same questions.
 
I'll let you click over to the website yourself if you want to read the advice columnist physically constrain herself from jumping through the computer to strangle the woman as she attempts a civil answer.

 
In my opinion, anyone who wonders what this woman questioned in writing, needs to just spend one week with three small children and a big dog in a country where there is no support from any family. Therir question will be answered. This woman obviously has not been around children at all. Or the ones she has been around were abnormal and well past the age where they needed soemone to: (a) make their food (b) feed them their food (c) change their clothes (d) wipe their bottoms (e) put them to sleep (f) watch them at all times ... (you get the idea.)
 
This reminds me of an event in our lives while we were in Turkey. The housing people decided that they wanted to move our sliding glass door lock from the top of the door to the bottom. They said that this was to keep up to fire code. My husband and I, naturally, thought this was a terrible idea. So my husband emailed the man in charge of the decision. Here was the exchange that occurred.
 
John: "I wanted to ask you why you decided to put the locks to the sliding glass doors on the bottom of the doors."
 
Man-in-charge: "It's to keep with fire code. Children need to be able to open the doors and get out of the house if there is a fire."
 
John: "Right, but I have two two-year-olds. They know how to open these locks and they can let themselves outside."
 
Man-in-charge: "Yes, they need to be able to do that in the case of a fire."
 
John: "Right, but they can do it when there is not a fire. I think the likelihood of a fire is much lower than the likelihood of them opening the lock and getting out of the house."
 
Man-in-charge: "If your child is being left alone long enough that they can open the door themselves, then they are not being properly supervised."
 
Eeeeeeekkkkkkkkk! Talk about wanting to jump through the computer and physically strangle someone. Is this man being supervised? My husband stopped the email communication at that point. He was obviously speaking to someone who had no reality of what it meant to watch a toddler all day long. (And therefore he especially didn't know what it felt like to watch two of them.) When, may I ask, should I use the bathroom? When, may I ask, should I make that toddler food? And when, in the name of all that is realistic, should I change the brother's diaper?
 
There is no point, in my opinion, in detailing all the things that a stay-at-home mom does and why it is so hard. I'm not comparing myself to other women and how hard their life is. I have done different lives. All of them have been hard.
 
  • I was a Division I college athlete while maintaining a 3.8GPA. Not easy. Very hard. Very tired. Exhausted continually. My days were very hard.
  • I was a teacher and a coach for five years. I worked seventy hour weeks. My days were very hard.
  • I worked as a writer and an editor and my husband was in medical school full-time. This was not as hard of a period of my life. But it was still challenging being as my husband really couldn't help me with anything.
  • I worked at home forty hours a week while my husband was an intern in his medical residency. This was lonely. Not fun. Hard.
  • I worked twenty hours a week from home during Isaac's first year of life. This was quite challenging.
  • I had two baby boys 8.5 months apart while my husband was doing his residency and serving as chief resident. That was very hard.
  • And now I am a stay-at-home mom of three children under four (and a big dog). I could write a whole post detailing what I do every day. There really isn't a point. Let me just say that it is hard to have three little kids and a big dog.
I don't think we need to compare our lives to the lives of others. I am not aruging that this woman who wrote this note does not have hard days. I am sure she does. But to think that a stay-at-home mom's life is easy. This is where I must draw the line.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ha! I work full time, my husband is the stay at home parent. While I am so jealous of all the fun stuff he gets to do everyday while I'm at work, I also know it's no walk in the park (even if they literally go on a walk in the park).

Not too long ago I made a comment on Facebook about staying home being like a vacation.

Friends of mine (who are stay at home moms) were furious with me! They gave me the gamut of stuff they do everyday and how it was no vacation.

Then I pointed out that all the stuff they do everyday is the stuff I do when I'm off from work. So, in reality, what they do everyday is what I do on vacation.

Now it's no spa retreat or relaxing beach vacation, but any time I'm not at work, it is like a vacation- even if it does involve poop, laundry, and cooking!

Unknown said...

Wendi, you must push the "cleaning service not just for drs. wives" to the top of your posting schedule! And when you write it, make sure that it is aimed at convincing a husband. =)

My neighbor was just telling me today that she has never done it before, but since being here, she hires some Filipinos to come and clean every two weeks. It's $60 and she says they scrub every crack and corner. I mentioned it to Vic and he didn't seem entirely convinced, but he wasn't opposed either. I'm thinking even once a month could be great! This could give me even more time to focus on home school and other more important tasks!

Hurry, quick! =)

Rachel and Hans said...

Amen to this :). Hardest job ever, yet I wouldn't trade it for anything!

Anonymous said...

I agree that motherhood is no easy job. I have two sons. My husband passed away while they were still young, and I raised them on my own. My family also lives clear across the United States from us. I also work full time (due to necessity of course). Unfortunately, he only had $25,000 of live insurance (but that's another story). But I still think that being a full time stay at home mother is easier than being a full time mother and also a full time employee. I have to do both jobs full time, hopefully I am doing them well!

Anonymous said...

I've read something similar to this elsewhere, so maybe I'm putting the wrong slant on it, but I think they key part to this "question" is: "I guess what I'm asking is: What is a typical day and why don't moms have time for a call or e-mail?"

I'm not a mother, though I want to be more than anything (just to point out that I am not anti-kid). I can say, however, that I identify with this person a bit. Most of my friends have had children, and - especially when they have what you want - it's hard sometimes to not feel left behind. (I'm sure that I'm not saying anything that you don't already know!) But to really get to the nitty gritty here... I believe this person is really just missing her friend. Her BEST friend. Now that her best friend has a child - something that takes absolute priority and most of your time - she has no time left for her friend. I may be wrong, but I see a little of myself in this.

It's mostly a different perspective. I think this person is probably just frustrated and maybe jealous of the child, and the attention that s/he is getting from the mother / best friend. Sure, s/he could have phrased the question differently or just thought about it a bit, but it is frustrating to feel left behind. Even if a person does not want children, they can still feel left behind when their friends start having children. Priorities change, activities change, etc. So I guess I would like to suggest that maybe this person's focus not be taken at face value. Maybe the real issue is hidden among the words in plain sight. "... and why don't moms have time for a call or e-mail?" Just a thought. :)

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, a good perspective of that. You are right. She might have just missed her friend. However, I think you as a mother before kids and me as a mother before kids both felt left behind but did not think our friends were trying to "out do" us which is what this women seemed to be implying.

-- Wendi
Good comment!

Anonymous said...

And to the other anonymous who is a single mother, I agree, there are MANY things we do that are hard and we all have to recognize them equally.

-- Wendi