Some days I feel like there just isn't enough of me. This seems especially true when I venture away from my home.
In my home, I have a routine. A system. Despite the fact that my system has been relocated from Eglin to Turkey, it exists. There is an order for eating, changing, feeding the dog, playing, exercising, devotions, everything.
But outside of the walls of my home, everything changes.
And even inside, the routine gets shaken up quite a bit. Like yesterday when one boy wanted to be in the pool and one wanted to come inside and both wanted me with them. And last week when, while trying to get one in from the pool, he peed on our new rug since I had taken off his new diaper. Or yesterday when a poopy diaper outside left me resorting to spraying Elijah's bum down with a hose. (He thought that was great.)
Today I ventured off-Base for the first time by myself. Well, not by myself entirely. I went with Angelica and her two kiddos and Stebbins and her son William.
We parked our cars right next to the gate and began the walk through the big gates, where snipers sit hidden in the bushes and dogs sniff cars, and went to the tailor -- Dee Dee's.
Stebbins needs a dress made for the ball. She brought a picture from People magazine and will have a fitting tomorrow! How amazing is that?
I, was picking up a pair of black linen Capri's. I brought her a pair of white ones last week that I love and she mimicked them perfectly in black. How amazing is that?
Angelica who is already bilingual in English and Spanish got her son's haircut at Pretty's next door. That name still cracks me up. We also found a Thursday market that we can walk to. Amazing as well I think.
Anyways, I gave both my boys a ring pop while we were out and about. Is that bad? When I am outnumbered ... in other words, traveling with the boys without JB along, I feel I need some strategies.
Changing diapers? I let it go until we got home. Is that bad?
We ate lunch at Burger King in the food court outside the BX (which, in addition to Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, and Baskin Robins are the only fast food places we have access to). Anyways, we were supposed to bring JB his lunch at the Clinic after we were done. But when I ran into one of his techs, instead, I asked him to bring JB his food. Was that bad?
It's just that, we live in a society now where none of us have cell phones. It's amazing I lived my whole life like this. I can't call JB and ask him to meet me at the door to the Clinic. Instead, I have to unload the boys and get inside with the food. It's a thirty minute ordeal. You have to know where you are meeting ahead of time because you can't just call each other! Craziness!
Sidenote: Isaac is a very slow w-a-l-k-e-r ... Elijah, is not so slow. They don't stay together well. Thank the Lord for strollers.
When we get home, Scrubs goes crazy, as usual, and follows me everywhere while I get the boys down for the naps. He wants to go outside and play. Desperately.
I put the boys down for naps in the same room which I do about 50% of the time. Mistake. Somehow, they managed to pull their cribs right together. (I think Isaac jumps until his crib moves over enough so that they can grab hands and pull them together but I am not sure.) They had thrown their animals back and forth at each other until they were both upset because they didn't have their stuff. I took Elijah out. Put him in the pack-n-play set up in the room nextdoor. And then listened to Isaac cry and yell that, "I want to have you help me MOVE this, Mommy! I want to touch Elijah."
It was at this point that I just feel there is not enough of me. I am a mom to two boys. I am the owner of a high maintenance and uber energetic dog. I am a wife to a wonderful husband who gets the last bits of me everyday. I'm also supposed to be a daughter of the Lord and a friend and a sister and keep in touch with people long distance and blog and read my Bible and exercise and ...
... and some days I just do NOT know how to get it all done successfully. I feel swamped. Facebook? It's a jungle I just can't even begin to maneuver through. But I miss everyone so much. I feel out of the loop.
While the vast majority of our house is in order, there are still so many things needing to be done. How do I get it all done? How do I spend enough time with the boys while taking care of myself and being a good wife?
Anyone?!
6 comments:
First of all you need to know you are an amazing mom. You do such a great job with those boys and they love you so much.
You have to remember that being a mom of twins is so much harder than being a mom who has children a few years apart. Even though the boys are getting older, can understand you more, speak/sign more, and are more independant they're not old enough for you to have a helper. I just read the post about you being sick the last few days. You did exactly what I have done in the past - let the boys watch movies, read books, do quiet activities, make sure they nap so you can nap.
And with twins you have to just accept that you're not going to be able to get everything done. I've finally accepted that and my house is proof of that. It looks like a disaster area half the time. It's disgusting, really. And my boys are 6 yrs. old so I really shouldn't use them as an excuse anymore. LOL.
Regardless of having twins or just one child, motherhood can be difficult. You are doing an awesome job. Hang in there. It will get better.
Bethany
Oh Wendi!
First, on your "is that bad" questions:
Ring Pops - not bad
Diapers - not bad, unless they are poopy. =)
Food to JB - not bad
There you have it, you are not bad, simply practical! You are thinking ahead, trying to make things work with less tears. In my book, that earns you the awesome Mom award!
As overwhelming as it feels right now, you must remember that this is just a season. This busy time with the boys will not last forever and in the grand scheme of things, this will feel like such a short time later.
Gotta prioritize. Here are my priorities for my family: Food and Clothing
If I have food for them to eat and clean clothes for them to wear each day, I can put aside other things temporarily. If I have 10 or more things to do that day, I think about which relate to those basic necessities. Of course for me, another priority is homeschool. We get that done first and if it means that the garage is a disaster or I don't get to balance the checkbook that day, so be it.
Remember the "Do the Next Thing" poem? Post it up somewhere in big print!
One more thing. Remember that you are investing in their souls, for their eternity. The instruction and discipline that you are giving them now will matter for later. Whether you had cereal or spaghetti for dinner won't. Whether they had three diaper changes that day or four won't. But, the care you are giving them, the love, the teaching, that is what will matter. And I must say that you are such an encouragement to me when it comes to those things. I learn so much from you about loving your children and putting things aside to care for them. You are doing a fabulous job!!!!!
I know a woman who homeschooled all her children and one of her sons died at age 13 in a car accident. You know her encouragement to us? None of the Math, Reading and Spelling mattered in eternity, it was what she taught him about the gospel that mattered in the end. I hope that you can apply that same thought to your situation w/ your little ones. =)
OK, so that was alot. But I can so feel your heart! I deal w/ similar feelings, thoughts and frustrations each day. Be encouraged my dear friend!
I have to agree with both posters above me. You absolutely did the right thing by choosing your priorities to survive. Ring pops to save sanity are not a bad thing - it's not like you do it every 10 mins of every day! Wet diapers for 3-4 hours aren't going to kill your children - they sleep for 8 hours with them, right? Someone else handing off the lunch to JB - it wasn't going to be quality time with dad anyway! You are at a point where you need to be practical and save the stress moments for when they are really necessary! You're doing a fabulous job in a strange country while developing a whole new support system...give yourself a break. Days where you're physically not up to it all are few and you can let things go for the short time you allow yourself to recup to face it all again! God has given you the ability to think, strategize, economize, give generously in many different directions...He also expects you to take care of YOU so you can do it all most of the time! It will get easier...let yourself adjust to all that is new in your life as you create a new life for you, your kids, you and your husband, your family, your new surroundings, your new church, your new friends....I'm sure you're getting the idea here! I'll keep you in my prayes! Smiling Angel
Wendi, I don't have any big advice or magic pill to give you, because, well, I feel the same way many times. Parenting young children is hard. It is always on, always present, and not enough of you to go around. Sometimes, just making it through the day is a victory. You are mothering within quite a few extreme situations. Some days will be hard. Some days it is only through the grace of God that we make it through. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
These posts from your friends made me cry and smile in relief. What beautiful friends and community you have even via a blog! You are adjusting to so much -lots of adventure and you are a routine, task oriented person putting people first not the tasks -that's Huge! Just a thought -someone helped me learn to listen to the "shoulds" in my thoughts...freeing me to recognize that those aren't the Lord's but the accusers ...He just wants us to walk with Him daily talking to him about our needs -casting all our cares/burdens/worries on Him (which means we're gonna feel like you felt and He wants to be our friend and help in it when noone else can -even if that means just being available to listen to our sighs and tears... so we can get up again...for He cares for us...Something else that helped me was realizing that God cared for me, as much as for the Tabaru and would love me (like you do your boyz) if I could not accomplish one thing for Him! hugs and love Tante Jan
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