Today was MOPs. I only made it through about half of it. Elijah was having none of this nursery stuff. And unfortunately, Isaac decided to agree with him today. Stephanie came and got me and told me that Elijah was just not being consoled. I went in to find him just hysterical. I asked Stephanie her opinion. Should I try to leave him again. She said that she thought he was not going to loosen up today and I should just wait until the next meeting to try again.
I brought Elijah out with me for awhile and he sat on my lap pretty calmly sucking on his pacifier (which is against my "only in bed" pacifier rule). I returned to the room about thirty minutes later because I realized I had taken Isaac's diaper bag. Isaac was hysterical when I returned. And I decided that if I was 0-2, it was time to go home.
I know life with toddlers comes in waves. It was just a few weeks ago that I posted about not knowing what to do with the boys while I got ready. Life has already worked that one out. The boys are doing okay by themselves downstairs while I get ready. Or I use a video. Or I bring my makeup downstairs and get ready in the downstairs bathroom. It's gone a lot better. And I haven't even put a gate up at the top or bottom of the stairs.
And as such, I know that this will work itself out as well. The question is, what do I do in the meantime? We are currently putting the boys in nursery on Sunday evenings, Wednesday evenings, and then MOPs every other Thursday. Sunday is just an hour. Wednesday is just an hour. MOPs would be two hours but only every other week.
When we push the stroller up to the church, Elijah starts crying. He starts clinging to me.
I used to work in the nursery as a young girl and teenager and young adult. I know how it works. I know that if mom will just leave, the kid will stop crying. Or eventually, after a few weeks, the kid will be okay with it. I know that if you cater to the crying, they'll never go into the nursery. Or it will take longer.
So I've been doing that. I leave Elijah screaming at the door. He's yelling my name, and I walk away nearly crying myself. Sometimes JB takes him in and I don't even go to the door.
It sucks. I'd say "stink" but that just isn't strong enough. I hate it.
And so my question is this. I believe that putting him in nursery on Sunday evenings is sort of a "requirement." We need to go to church, and bringing him in with me is just not something I would like to do.
But what about the extras? What about Wednesday and MOPs? All three of these are in a different location. What do I do? Do I make him to go to all of them? We are only six weeks in a brand new place? Is this just too much for him?
Isaac cried today, but that isn't usual. The room he was in was very warm and there were a lot of kids crying. They came and got me to pick up Elijah. But with Isaac, I was just dropping off their diaper bag, when they opened the door. Isaac saw me and ran up to me, hot and crying and said, "Mommy, take off my name tag! Mommy, take off your name tag!" He was done with church for this day.
But Elijah is just distraught. Horrified. Miserable. I know he is "Elijah the Passionate" just like Elijah in the Bible as he fought the worshippers of Baal on the mountaintop. He's been passionate since birth. But I don't want to push too hard.
So, let's open up the floor of discussion. What would you do? What should I do?
18 comments:
I know you need your time away. Believe I'm a stay at home mom too. Maybe just start with one at a time, then once they get used to that add the next weekly or everyother week to it. Eventually they will get used to it, but with being in a new environment and all new people you might want to start out slow. They are just getting used to a new home and all.
I'm curious to hear what other people have to say. I struggle with this as Kaia has entered the stage of "mama's girl" and it breaks my heart to leave her. I don't know how much to "push" her into staying in the nursery. Tomorrow is our first bible study and that will add another weekly nursery drop off (so we will have church, the gym (about an hour 1-2 times a week) and now bible study (which is at our church). I know this doesn't help you, but it makes me feel better to know that it's not just my kid! :)
I agree with Jody. I think it is a good idea to take things slow and ease into it. I don't know if it is an option, but maybe you should stay one week in the nursery so Elijah can get comfortable while you are there. I find with my 15 month old that if I stay long enough for her to start playing, she doesn't even realize I have slipped away till I come back.
Megan
Wendy,
I'm probably not going to be in the popular vote, but it's what has worked for me. I'll be frank!
First, I agree that church is important for you to get filled with the sermon, songs and being ministered to. However, I don't agree that Wed or MOPs is not important also. I would ask yourself how excited do YOU get to go? Do you feel like it's refreshing to you? Just because it might be talking and doing crafts, does not mean it's not important.
Just because you always do what YOU need last, does not mean that it's always the best. You need your time to refresh also! Have you ever noticed when you are refreshed what a better mom you are?
You might decide to wait until next semester to add MOPs or Wed nights. Or you might decide they are all just as important to you and you will tackle them all at the same time.
What worked for me, when I finally was just DONE and needed a break, I started going to a Bible Study. Before the boys started to get upset, I would think it through logically. Does it meet their needs, are they safe, do they do fun things? Then the day before I would tell them we were going to go, and afterwards we were going to get a smarties (or something like that). The next morning, I would tell them the same thing. My kids to this day like to know exactly what is going on, and not have anything just "sprung" on them. Then at drop off I would give them each a hug, kiss and tell them I would be back when my class was over. Then I would tell the teacher to PLEASE distract with a snack when I left.
I would NOT go in, I would NOT teach in their class. It only makes it worse (at least for my kids). I taught MANY years preschool at church and at that age, the kids with their parents in there acted WORSE when their parents were helpers. So when I volunteer, I always do it opposite the ages of my kids.
I was fed up. I was new to an area. I didn't have money for a babysitter. I didn't have any friends or any family. I needed a BREAK and decided it was not going to hurt them, that they would learn to like it.
I had 1-2 boys cry for the first 6-8 weeks (Bible study was weekly). Then after any long breaks (Christmas, sickness, etc). Then after that they did ok!
You might think of a couple things:
1. is there anything else that is a class for them in that same MOPs room to get them more used to it?
2. Are they consoling or are they distracting?
3. Offer to bring a snack to share if they are not giving him a snack to distract
4. Ask if he can be in Isaac's class
I hope it gets better for you!
I agree with the other ladies to just take it slow. You have all been through big changes in the last 6 weeks and I am sure the boys are feeling it. Maybe see if they can be in the same class. Or maybe sit either Wednesday night or MOPS out for now. Or if you have made any friends with kids yet, maybe see if you can alternate Wednesdays and stay with the kids. They will get used to it eventually, but for now I just wouldn't push the issue with so many new places.
I'm torn. I have gone different ways at different times in my life. I feel like I could write a whole book to tell you what we have done with different children. I really like what Jody said and I really like what Denise said. Both are helpful, correct and are viable options for you.
What does JB want you to do? He might be able to help you look at it more matter-of-factly rather than emotionally. You can think and think and then get really wrapped up in it. I know I would and do!
I think there is no right way to do it. It is going to have to depend on what you and JB are most comfortble with and ultimately want to do.
Don't know if that helps at all. I know it can be a tough one and I will be praying for you and them.
Not fun at all, Wendi! I found that if I went in for a couple of weeks with my child that he made friends with the caregivers and the other kids. It only took a couple of weeks for him to learn that it was fun. While I wasn't thrilled with that idea, it seemed like a quicker solution than sitting it out for awhile. Your kiddos have been very flexible with this move and all the traveling. I'm not surprised there a bit of insecurity right now. However, they'll adjust and be happy kids because mom and dad are happy, mom and dad love them deeply, and life does go on. I also would suggest maybe inviting a caregiver over for a cuppa so that the kids might get to know them outside of the activity...might help the adjustment. Good luck! You are right...this too shall pass! Hang in there! Lynda
You tell those boys to suck it up! :)
I'd like the one thing at a time and work up to it idea.
That said I was born without the care-that-the-kids-scream gene, or else I have been conditioned against it quickly by a boy who screams all. day. long. and a girl who's just 6m older. I would tend to leave them and see if in a month it's better. I always tell people who watch the kids not to worry if they cry. It doesn't bother me, and they'll live. lol
However, we don't leave them often. VBS, Sunday morning for Sunday School (our church doesn't have a nursery nor do I myself like church nurseries...I want my children to worship with me, darnit!) and the occasional outing, and not preschool (ish) for Ethan. It seems that if you force it, MOST kids will comply (or else...perhaps something more is going on, ie: Ethan).
I would say make sure that he is not sick. Also that he is well fed and is well rested. Are the actitivies in the nursery fun?
Maybe the boys are just needing some more time to adjust to the time change and the move and idea of a new house and new people in their lives. They need the security of mom right now and that isn't a bad thing. I like the ideas presented here about having the people in the nursery over for coffee or playdates with the other nursery children who are the right age for your boys.
We will pray for you and the boys.
Karen
Love the comments. Please keep them coming.
1. They are in the same class. I think we are going to continue this. Isaac doesn't seem to be interested in going in with the 2 year olds. He likes the cars/toys in the baby classroom.
2. I'm hesitant to stay in with him. Would this indicate that this will be the pattern? I do stay long enough for him to be distracted. Unfortunately, as soon as he realizes I am gone, it is when the tears flow.
3. I like the idea of a special snack as soon as I leave to distract him. I think this could really work. I do think distraction is better than consoling.
4. Denise, I think your vote is quite popular and I actually completely agree. I do think MOPs is refreshing to me. I need that. I was so blessed with how wonderful they had made the room for us -- and so looking forward to some rejuvination. I do feel like I need this. I think Bible Study, we could maybe swap weeks. But MOPs, I need it. I do. I do think Isaac can understand something being sprung on him. I do try to always tell them ahead of time. But I tried that with Eli, and I am just not sure that he gets it yet. It seems that he just nods and smiles when I tell him we are going to church and then freaks when we get there.
5. Denise, do you keep all your boys together? (Triplets!)
6. Unfortunately, the room for MOPs is sort of "make-shift." It is VERY cool but not designed to house children. So it can be a little disconcerting. The room for BS is WAY kid friendly and so he did Better in there.
You guys are great! I know this discussion is helping more than me.
And Kristi, you rock. (Don't let Kristi fool you everyone with her tough exterior.) She sent me a very soft email telling me her opinions! ;0
Wendi,
I recently struggled with this with Caroline (17 mo.). I had never dealt with it before, because Hannah was the child who walked in the room with hardly a wave goodbye, but after turning 1 Caroline started having trouble. Maybe, it was because the majority of the times we were at Church, or MOPS she was still doing a morning nap there, and didn't realize that I was leaving her. I don't know... it was hard though.
I took the "cry it out" method, and things have gotten a lot better. It was definitely hard to hear her melt down the second we hit the nursery door, and cry "mama," but my kids also tend to do better when we talk about what is coming. I tell her that Mommy is going to let her play with her friends for a little bit, and will be back in a little while. I give her a kiss and walk out the door. Short and sweet. As a MOPS leader this year I have no other option, she can't stay with me. It has taken a few months, but it is much better. Yesterday Ryan and I left both girls all day (and night) with friends to see the passion play in Oberammogau, and my friend told me she only cried for a minute when we left, and was happy all day and night. Progress!!!! I'll be praying for you.
I'm nursery coordinator at my church and we have had many 'criers'. It takes some kids a few months to get used to coming in and playing. The nursery workers are probably working on figuring otu what works for him. For some kids they just need to find one worker they like, some kids like snacks, some kids just need to be left alone, and some kids need extra special attention like going for a walk if possible. If your nursery workers are ok with it maybe you can stay with him for a couple weeks until he is comfortable. Let the workers play with him and care for him, you just be there and almost ignore him if possible.
I hope you find the solution that works for you guys.
You have 13 responses so far and I don't have time to read them all so I may be repeating some things.
If church is where you feel you MUST bring them to the nursery then I'd start there. But make a few adjustments. Let them have their paci's and any other comfort item from home like a small blanket - the kind with the little animals on top. Can you bring food for them? If so, bring snacks and make sure it's their favorite. Fruit snacks make a good church snack. Does church have a t.v.? If so ask if they'll put on a movie. Make church nursery so inviting that you leaving won't be that big of a deal.
With the other things I would go and stay with them for a bit. Help them realize that it's not a bad place. Stay and play for about 30 min and then go home. Do that until he feels safe. I'd also tell the boys that you are going to stay and play. After two or three times of that then you can try sitting by the door while they play. I'm not a huge fan of sneaking out when unnoticed, but that's an option too.
Ok. I just read your comments. I don't think staying wouldn't mean it's a pattern. They're needing some extra reassurance right now. They're going through a bit of separation anxiety and they just want to know that you're there for them.
Another thing you could try would be to drop the boys off and tell them you'll be back in 5 min. (or how ever long you think they can handle you being gone). Bring a kitchen timer with you (or some cool, funky hour glass type) to leave with the boys. When the timer goes off then you can come back into the room. Extend the time each visit.
Could you get a babysitter for MOPS? Then they could stay at home where they're comfortable.
Another option is to keep them in church with you. You won't catch all of the sermon, but it's one less stressor for the boys. We didn't have a nursery so we had no other choice but to keep the boys with us. We brought a ton of stuff with for them to do. We filled their Snack Traps with a variety of fun snacks - fruit snacks, goldfish, mini colored marshmallows, Froot Loops and other cereals. That kept them busy picking out their favorites from the cup. We also brought AquaDoodle mini mats and sticker books w/ stickers. If you can't find sticker books then a notebook would work. Church was the only time that they got these things. The boys were so quiet in church that people joked that we drugged them in order to keep them quiet. :D
I'm just thinking that right now all the activites is too much for them.
I just glanced at another comment about preparing the kids the day before and morning of about what is going to happen. This is huge! Kids need to have that "warning." Sure there are kids who can wing it, but most need that structure. I prepare my boys for just about everything - from how much time is left to play to the list of errands I have to run. For example, yesterday I had to go to the dentist, take the boys to get haircuts, run to Walmart for 3 things, stop at the craft store, and then meet daddy for lunch. I told the boys the schedule of events the day before (multiple times), the morning of, and what was coming next after we'd finish each errand. If I forgot to mention a step the boys would correct me or have a fit because "you didn't say we had to do that!" Preparing children for what's to come help reduce anxiety and helps them organize things in their minds.
Bethany
You have 13 responses so far and I don't have time to read them all so I may be repeating some things.
If church is where you feel you MUST bring them to the nursery then I'd start there. But make a few adjustments. Let them have their paci's and any other comfort item from home like a small blanket - the kind with the little animals on top. Can you bring food for them? If so, bring snacks and make sure it's their favorite. Fruit snacks make a good church snack. Does church have a t.v.? If so ask if they'll put on a movie. Make church nursery so inviting that you leaving won't be that big of a deal.
With the other things I would go and stay with them for a bit. Help them realize that it's not a bad place. Stay and play for about 30 min and then go home. Do that until he feels safe. I'd also tell the boys that you are going to stay and play. After two or three times of that then you can try sitting by the door while they play. I'm not a huge fan of sneaking out when unnoticed, but that's an option too.
Ok. I just read your comments. I don't think staying wouldn't mean it's a pattern. They're needing some extra reassurance right now. They're going through a bit of separation anxiety and they just want to know that you're there for them.
Another thing you could try would be to drop the boys off and tell them you'll be back in 5 min. (or how ever long you think they can handle you being gone). Bring a kitchen timer with you (or some cool, funky hour glass type) to leave with the boys. When the timer goes off then you can come back into the room. Extend the time each visit.
Could you get a babysitter for MOPS? Then they could stay at home where they're comfortable.
Another option is to keep them in church with you. You won't catch all of the sermon, but it's one less stressor for the boys. We didn't have a nursery so we had no other choice but to keep the boys with us. We brought a ton of stuff with for them to do. We filled their Snack Traps with a variety of fun snacks - fruit snacks, goldfish, mini colored marshmallows, Froot Loops and other cereals. That kept them busy picking out their favorites from the cup. We also brought AquaDoodle mini mats and sticker books w/ stickers. If you can't find sticker books then a notebook would work. Church was the only time that they got these things. The boys were so quiet in church that people joked that we drugged them in order to keep them quiet. :D
I'm just thinking that right now all the activites is too much for them.
I just glanced at another comment about preparing the kids the day before and morning of about what is going to happen. This is huge! Kids need to have that "warning." Sure there are kids who can wing it, but most need that structure. I prepare my boys for just about everything - from how much time is left to play to the list of errands I have to run. For example, yesterday I had to go to the dentist, take the boys to get haircuts, run to Walmart for 3 things, stop at the craft store, and then meet daddy for lunch. I told the boys the schedule of events the day before (multiple times), the morning of, and what was coming next after we'd finish each errand. If I forgot to mention a step the boys would correct me or have a fit because "you didn't say we had to do that!" Preparing children for what's to come help reduce anxiety and helps them organize things in their minds.
Bethany
We too, have a passionate boy. Here are a couple more ideas....
1. We have always used the same phrase when we leave for anything. MOPS, church, working out, babysitters, even daddy leaving for work. We use "see you later" and both kids know that means we are leaving now and they need to say goodbye. It really helps them to have a cue when you leave. I tried sneaking out a few times when Sarah was small, but it always made things a lot worse. When I let them know what is happening they gain some power.
2. Practice, practice, practice. If you get called out, comfort, distract, say your phrase and try again. The more times and the more places they practice the sooner they will understand.
3. Prepare them ahead of time. A few others have mentioned this as well. Give them the schedule for the day--even the night before if needed. Phillip has struggled with words, so something that has helped a lot is a picture. Take a picture of common places you go--or use a stock photo from clip art. Then show it to him when you are talking about the schedule for the day.
I know you can do this! It's one of the hardest challenges of parenting young children, so don't worry if they don't catch on right away. Repetition, routine, structure. They will get it eventually. Your time away to refresh is important, and it makes you a better mom. Praying for you as you figure this out!
One thing that is important is not to just "slip out" while they are occupied with playing. It can make kids insecure about letting you out of their sight because they think if they can't see you, then you'll leave them. It is better to tell them you are going but to stress that you will come back. Austin had trouble at first with his ECFE class, but with prep beforehand about what was going to happen, then being clear about when/where mommy/daddy was going, along with reassurance that mommy/daddy will always come back, he did much better. What they always told the kids at the ECFE class is "Mommies and Daddies always come back." (which in some situations is sadly not true, but is certainly true for Austin and for your kids). At one point we actually heard him reassuring another kid by telling him just that. The boys will do fine. Don't feel bad taking the time for yourself.
: ) Lisa
yes, my boys have always been together. It has never been an option to have them separate, as we have never been in a church that has more than one class for their age group.
I think this does help them have an automatic "buddy" that they know. On the flip side, they are more comfortable fighting and being physical with their brothers and acting out a bit more. At least they have not done this to their other friends in class!
Where we used to live, I put them in twice a week preschool at 3 1/2. They had 3 classes, and I tried it. They LOVED their own time and own teachers! I am sad we had to move away from there. They are currently in a twice a week 4 1/2 year old program and they only have 2 classes. At this point I won't consider splitting them in between two classes, so they are together. But their teacher does not sit them together, which helps their "handsy" situations with their brothers.
I also agree with the comments to "see you later" and not sneak out. I would stand at the door, and not go into their class. Mostly because there was a gate there. I would hug, kiss and say "Have fun! I'm going to my class, see you when class is over!"
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