Three of my four kiddos were in a production at HERITAGE for Theatre. I didn't really get a picture of Isaac, but they are all in a play entitled: The Internet is a Distract ... oh Look it's a Kitten."
So thankful for Kristin G. who helped get all this set up. I just love our homeschool group!
It was a little sad around these parts on Prom Night. Abigail is only 13. She turns 14 in July. But you had to be 14 by April in order to attend the Prom. While I have Abigail in the 7th grade, she is 8th grade age, and all of her friends are 9th grade. All of her friends were attending Prom, and she didn't get to go.
So we decided to try to have a fun girls' night. Joni, Jan, Genevieve and Kari and my girls -- we all went to the Mall in Johnson City and then out for a nice dinner.
I tell you what: I don't like the mall at all. It is totally overwhelming to me. I've really turned into a farmer.
Isaac attended Prom with a very special lady in his life: Ana Y. We really like this young lady! Sidge decided not to attend and Abigail was just a few months too young to go. He had a wonderful time, and Joni was here to see him off!
This past Saturday, Isaac performed a music theater number for so parents and grandparents. There were about 15 performances, and I have to be honest, I really thought Isaac's was one of the best. It was so entertaining, and just really fantastic. I am so proud of him!
Had an opportunity to go out to dinner with our good friends a few weeks back. Forgot to post this picture. Love Richard and Mary Kay. They are great. We were stationed with them in the Azores when he was a fighter pilot and now he is a pastor on the other side of town.
Every time you say "this is new for me" instead of "I'm bad at this," you allow your brain space to learn instead of freeze. That's neuroplasticity in real time.
Every time you stop to breathe before reacting, you're training your brain to pause before it protects. That's the foundation of emotional regulation.
Every time you set a boundary, even if your voice shakes, you're teaching your brain that you can protect yourself. That's what builds self-trust.
Every time you say "I don't need to prove myself today," you shift from hypervigilance to grounded self-worth. That's a deep nervous system reset.
Every time you allow space for your feelings instead of minimizing them, you're rewriting a pattern your body has held for years. That's trauma-informed healing.
Every time you let yourself rest without guilt, you're breaking the lie that your worth depends on how much you achieve.
Every time you say "this matters to me" in a family that avoids difficult conversations, you're disrupting a cycle of silence. That's intergenerational change.
(I did not write this. Taken from Instagram)
I often wonder if I'd ever have realized I needed to heal if I hadn't had kids.
Motherhood has a way of holding up a mirror to our deepest wounds, reflecting back the parts of us we kept hidden.
My children didn't create my triggers, but they brought them to the surface. Without them, I might never have faced those shadows.
The showed me where I needed to grow and gave me the strength to break the cycle.
(I did not write this. Taken from Instagram)
Hey everyone,
Let's stop spiritually bypassing people's sadness as though it makes the power of the cross ineffective.
It's weird.
Jesus wept is the shortest verse in the Bible, yet its meaning screams so loud.
God wanted us to know that pain matters,
presence matters,
and love doesn't skip over suffering.
It sits in it.
In so many Christian spaces, we've learned to bypass sadness with scripture and slap "God's got a plan!" over the heartbreak of another as though a band aide could really care for a bullet wound.
But disconnection dressed in spirituality is not comfort.
It's not faith to pretend that you're not sad. It's not weakness to acknowledge grief, disappointment, or trauma.
And it's definitely not holy to pressure someone into suppressing what Jesus himself made space for.
Jesus didn't rush people out of pain.
He entered it.
Holy doesn't mean happy all the time.
The cross doesn't cancel human emotion.
It redeems it.
The Power of the Cross isn't diminished by tears.
It was actually born in them.
(I did not write this. Taken from Instagram)
Here are three great habits to work to change in order to practice being an EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT PARENT.
1. I try to never tell my kids "You made so angry when you did or didn't do _____." I don't want my kids to feel responsible for my or anyone else's feelings. Yes, I want them to learn that their actions or words affect other people, but kids are really good at blaming themselves for their parents anger.
2. I refuse to send them to their room when they are emotionally dysregulated. Of course if a kid is hitting or being violent you may need to remove them from a situation but far too often, we angrily send them to their rooms to be alone when they are upset or angry, but all they are learning is that big feelings are bad, I'm bad, and my parents don't want to be around me when I am sad or angry. I refuse to punish them for not getting emotional regulation right at the age of 7 when I still don't get it right at 47!
3. I will intentionally take accountability and responsibility. When I mess up and get over-stimulated, and I say something that I shouldn't, it's really easy to want to sweep it under the rug. It's really easy to make excuses in my head and blame them for the fact that I yelled. Try asking your kids at bedtime if there is anything you need to apologize for that happened that day. "Is there anything on your heart? Because it matters to me." And if they are bold enough to share that I hurt their feelings, I am going to listen! I am going to nod. I am going to say, "Thank you for telling me what you are feeling. I am sorry." Because I want them to learn those skills a lot sooner than I did.
1. You're not addicted to "potential" anymore. If it's unclear, inconsistent, or costs your peace ... you're out.
2. You let a text sit. Not to play a game -- you just didn't feel like explaining your energy today.
3. You walked away from a conversation that used to drain you. Yes! Without guilt, without the need to circle back!
4. You stopped screenshotting things just to prove a point later. You're not building a case anymore -- you're just moving on!
5. You had a hard day and didn't spiral into what's wrong with me. You just had a hard day. That's it. That's all it had to be.
6. You noticed the pattern. And instead of romanticizing it, you finally called it what it is -- and backed off.
7. You used to rehearse what you would say if they came back. Now? You don't even want to the conversation.
8. You don't instantly blame yourself when something goes wrong. You pause now. You consider. That's new.
9. You don't feel the need to be the strong one every time. You're letting people show up for you -- even if it's messy.
10. You're no longer rushing the in-between. You're letting the quite do its thing.
If you kick a dog enough times, guess what that dog will eventually do?
That dog will eventually begin growling. He will begin to bite and snap. His behavior will get very challenging and very difficult.
People will come in and see the dog and say, "What is wrong with this dog? Why is this dog acting like this? This dog needs to obey! This dog needs to stop that aggressive behavior."
But that dog is desperate. That dog has no other choice. The dog is using the only weapon he has.
What weapon does a child have? Either they get wild and go out and party or get on drugs or drink. Or they talk back. They yell and kick and scream. This is just a tool they are using to get their parents attention. They are screaming, "Do you see me?! SEE ME! Stop kicking me. Just love me."
(And obviously, there can be exceptions to this rule both with animals and children ...)
I am determined to be an AMAZING mother. Not just a good mother. Not just an "okay" mother. I am going to rock it. I am going to grow and stretch myself in all ways and knock it out of the park. Because by doing so, I set my children up to knock it up for the next generation and this is how you change generations!
I truly believe this job I have is the most important job I will ever have. I am creating the foundation for four new families, and it's very important.
I am determined that my children will know and feel the following things:
When my child screams and says, "I hate you! You are a terrible parent!" I turn to them and say, "It's okay. You are allowed to say that. I love you. I can handle those big emotions."
And when they are calm and able to discuss, we can talk through what those feelings are.
My child is allowed to express all emotions that are swirling inside of them.
And if the insides of me get all jacked-out-of-place ... guess what? That is NOT about them. EVER!
Think about it. Am I ever allowed to smack an old woman in the grocery store who is disrespectful to me and say to them, "YOU MADE ME FEEL THIS WAY?!"
Of course not.
If I am feeling upset by what she said, I must, as my own autonomous person, handle those feelings inside of me. She is not allowed to dictate the emotion inside of me.
The problem is, most humans are wound up so tight from their own trauma, they don't know what to do with how they are feeling inside. When you see someone go off on someone, it isn't that event that is causing the explosion. It's the fact that the person is already so wound up inside that this event sets them off.
If a parent ever hits or smacks a child out of anger, that is never, ever, ever the child's fault. It is always and completely the parent's fault. The child is a CHILD. Just like a dog is a DOG. The dog is going to respond as dog's do. But he is reliant on his owner to help him regulate himself. Children cannot do that without a parent.
If a fellow parent comes to me and says their child is screaming and yelling and disrespecting them, my attitude now is so different than it would have been two years ago. Two years ago I would have believed that the parent needed to fix that disrespect by punishments and consequences. Oh, how wrong that is.
That isn't to say that you don't punish the child for their behavior. You may do that. But first, you need to look at what is coming out of them. Why are they screaming like that? What is inside them that is causing that? Am I seeing them? Am I attuned to them? Do I feel them. Do they feel felt? Am I with them?
It was when my children became teenagers that I realized I had some very broken brain messages traveling through my head. And I had to do (and am still doing!) a lot, lot, lot of work to fix those messages.
When I yell at my child, it is never my child's fault. It is my fault. I am not saying that they didn't do something against the rules. But I need a system in place that allows me to discipline them without raising my voice, hitting them, or trying to exert sheer will over them.
Children never turn away from a parent by choice. They never stop going to a parent by choice. They only stop when they know the parent is not capable or unwilling to be there for them. This is not the child's choice. A child is designed to want their parent more than anyone else in the world.
Oh, how blessed I am to have discovered this thing inside of me causing this dysregulation! The other day, my sweet little Abigail was working on an English project, and she suddenly got very overwhelmed with the assignment. I could see it all over her body. Old Wendi might have said, "Oh Abigail, just get over it and do it."
But new Wendi instantly realized: Abigail needs me! She needs me to regulate her own self because she doesn't have the maturity to do it yet. I moved over to her and wrapped my big body around her little body, and I looked her in the eye, and I said: I got you Abigail. I will not abandon you on this assignment. And then I instantly watched calm spread over her body.
And I was so excited to see that! To get to do it!
When my kids come to me with a conflict they are having with a friend or a worry or a complaint or a concern, I now get SO EXCITED! I say: THEY ARE COMING TO ME! THEY KNOW I CAN HELP THEM REGULATE! THEY KNOW I AM HERE FOR THEM!
It makes me giddy. I will turn to JB and say, "They are coming to us!"
And he will smile back.
Having a complete mental and nervous breakdown in 2024 was the worst thing I ever had to go through. But if going through it allows me to do what I am doing now, I would do it all over again.
John posted this picture on Facebook and wrote:
"Moved the sheep to a new paddock, and Wendi thought this was a perfect place to call a friend. I can't disagree."
Yes! I am attempting to write a book and using my Blog to keep me accountable. To read the preceding chapters of this story, please click here.
This is part 2 of a Saturday-long Conference I attended with Adam Young and a guest speaker: RICH VILLODAS for the month of APRIL. The Conference was entitled "How to Engage God About Your Story." Session 3 was entitled: "The Psalms" This talk was by Adam Young.
Why
are the Psalms in the Bible? Most are the prayers of people who are at
the desperate edge of their lives. They are in a place of desperation.
“The Psalms present human persons in situations of regression, when they are most
vulnerable in hurt… most sensitized to life, driven to the extremities of life and faith.”
Walter Brueggemann
The Psalms are the prayers of people who are fully present to the rawness of their emotions and fully present to the diversity and complexity of their emotions. Our emotions are layered and complex.
The Psalms are a phenomenal gift of God to human beings. It is hard to know what is happening inside of you. And it is even harder, if you do know, to bring to speech, all of these emotions you are having in all of your rawness and complexity.
Even if you in a season where you are connected to your heart and emotions, it can be very hard to put words to those feelings. Psalms introduces us to our feelings -- to the vast commotions inside of your heart.
“In the book of Psalms… you learn about yourself. You find depicted in the Psalms all the movements of your soul, all its changes, all its ups and downs. Look, most of the Bible is about what other people said and did, but in the Psalms… it is as though it were one's own words that one reads… and anyone who hears the words of the Psalms is moved at heart, as though the Psalms voiced for him his own deepest thoughts.” Athanasius
The evocative language of the Psalms has a way of voicing for us our own deepest thoughts, feelings, longings, desires.
Experiences of extremity lead to big emotions ... combined with difficulty naming and expressing those emotions. Trauma makes it very difficult for you name and express the feelings you had in the midst of the horrible circumstance. And when we can't name and express the feelings inside, then we can't integrate those feelings in our brains.
“Human experience includes those dangerous and difficult times of disorientation when the
sky does fall and the world does come to an end. The times of disorientation are times
when persons are driven to the extremities of emotion, of integrating capacity and of
language.” Walter Brueggemann
He is saying that the people in the Psalms are in places of disorientation. Trauma overwhelms the brain's ability to integrate. Trauma fragments emotions from thoughts and bodily sensations. Those things get separated in the brain. And therefore they are not connected neurologically or integrated.
When we are in trauma (when the sky does fall), we find ourselves in what the Psalmists describe as "The Pit."
Psalm 69 says: "Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me."
The Pit is a state of being cut-off by friends, family, and the broader community and being powerless to get out of that exiled place. It's about powerlessness and social isolation. The Pit is an awful experience. When we find ourselves in The Pit, the invitation of the Psalms is to let the feelings that are inside, come to expression in lament. In other words, we are not supposed to pull ourselves or climb out. We are called to identify the full range of our feelings and bring them to speech.
More often than not, the need to lament comes along unexpectedly. Everything is normal and suddenly BAM you are in The Pit! There is a blindsiding to it. They are speeches of blind dismay. The speaker never expected this to happen.
The nature of trauma is that you didn't see it coming. You are trapped. The water is rising. The sun may not come up tomorrow. We have been dislocated from the previous normal. We are in a state of disorientation. The old equilibrium is gone. We are in a state of disequilibrium. That is a common human experience and a very hard, trying, painful experience. But this is precisely where the Psalms come in with such unflinching honestly and real life relevance.
Psalms speak out human experience in a raw and honest way. Lots of human speech is actually a cover-up. We are often expected to pretend everything is fine. Nothing that bad is happening in our communities. This is why marginalized people are often more familiar with lament. They live in that normal.
The Psalms know that life is unfair and unjust. They know that. Oppression and injustice and unfairness are real and they affect the inside of the human body. No coverup is necessary. The Psalms will tell it like it is on the inside. What would it be like for you to PRAY the Psalms.
There is a big difference between reading Psalm 13 and praying Psalm 13. It's the difference between maintaining a safe distance in your relationship with God and getting right up close to God with your desperation and plea and need. When you just read them, you can maintain a nice, safe distance from your need for God. But when you being to pray the words on your page and make them your own, suddenly things get far more intimate between you and God.
The Psalms have been designed to be appropriated by us -- this means that God's purpose for the Psalms is for you and me to take them and make them our own. Tweak the language! Rewrite it for your present circumstances.
Even though there is particularity and detail, you often can't tell the discreet problem that the person is facing. The exact problem is vague. And that's the point. The Psalmists lead so much open. They are basically begging you to make their poetry, your's! To make their expressions, your's.
“The Psalm provides a marvelous receptacle which we are free to fill with our particular
experience.” Brueggemann
Have you ever taken one of the Psalms and replaced certain words with words that describe your particularity, your life, your feelings. What is stopping you from making one of the Psalms your own. You can modify this and make your own and use it as a receptacle for your own life. We don't need to censure or deny the depth of our own feelings. Instead, we are invited to bring those big feelings to passionate and raw speech and address our words to a God who is immensely personal and immediately present and THERE.
So, how do you make the Psalms your own? How do you modify one or write your own.
There are several elements of Psalmic speech. These are used in different configurations depending on the situation of the pray-er.
1. INTIMATE ADDRESS: The Psalmist names God in an intimate way. Such as my God or my Righteous God. Whatever is coming up, the complaint is not uttered to a stranger. It is a spoken to a God with whom you have a relationship based on some measure of trust. It is not being uttered to an empty sky or ceiling. It is being spoken to a deeply personal person whom you believe is there.
2. COMPLAINT: This is where you tell God just how troubled your life really is. You name with specificity what the trouble is this day, what is needling you or keeping you up at night. Feel free to OVERSTATE the trouble. The Psalmists do this all the time. The goal is to get God's attention and call God to act. The goal of speaking your complaint is relational. Think about a five-year-old and a father or mother. They turn up the intensity to get Mom or Dad's attention. You are doing the same thing in Psalmic prayer. Because, we, like the Psalmists, also experience God as absent as silent or uncaring or removed. God knows this. The goal is to recruit God into the trouble. You want God to be RESPONSIVE. You are reaching out to God and saying, "Help! I'm drowning!"
3. PETITION: This is the main event. You are bringing to God an unedited demand. Turn! Pay attention! Rescue! Turn your face to me Oh God. Pay attention and rescue me! God can and will rescue you if only we can mobilize Him! This third element is aimed at mobilizing God to move and turn His face toward us and rescue us. The Psalmist often brings an insistent request to God without much deference at all. This is a child-like demand of the Psalmist.
The Psalms were written long before God had brought Jesus to us. Don't fall into the trap of striving in prayer. Don't try to persuade God to move His hand. It is already predisposed to rescue us. We saw God do that on the cross with Jesus. God is predisposed to rescue. When we dare to present our needs to God, something unexpected happens. The unexpected surprise is that God acts.
Once the Psalmist calls out their anger: “the pain moves to a positive resolution… It is not at all clear what happens that permits such a turn. But it is clear that such a turn belongs regularly to the pattern and genre of lament… The Psalm is genuinely dialogical. It receives an answer that resolves the need of the speaker. Thus the psalm accomplishes something, and the speaker is, at the end of the psalm, in a very different place.” Brueggemann
Brueggemann is saying "We know that the praying of the Psalm resulted in God's act of rescuing the pray-er." The Psalmist may not cause the intervention, but they do believe that intervention won't happen without the prayer being prayed.
The praying of your own Psalm accomplishes something! This is why when you read so many of these Psalms, there is a shift in the mood of the Psalm. The praying of the Psalm to God somehow brings about rescue for the Psalmist. Do you believe that?
We have no idea how much time elapsed between when the Psalmist cried out for rescue and when the rescue actually came. You may have cried out to God with desperation and your cry has not yet been answered. Psalm 13:3 to Psalm 13:5 -- what is the length of time between those two verses. That can be a long time.
But here is the point.
We need to begin writing our own Psalms and praying our own Psalms. Things will suddenly get very real. Things get very limbic. Very quick. And that's a good thing.
Check out Psalms of Lament by Ann Weems who lost her twenty-one-year-old son.
How large a cup of tears must I drink, O God? How much is enough?
Will I weep all the days of my life? Will you forget me forever?
O God, find me! I am lost in the valley of grief, and I cannot see my way out.
O God, find me! Come into this valley and find me! Bring me out of the land of weeping.
O you to whom I belong, find me! Answer me so that I can cling to some hope of your presence.
Every night is filled with terror and with fear. My heart feels as though it will fall from my chest.
Over and over I scream your name, but you do not answer… and you do not come…and I cannot stand it.
The Bible gives us permission to bring our feelings to God. We can shout them to God! We can say what we feel without weighing those feelings. God gives you that freedom.
We only bring our anger to people we feel safe with! Do you really think God is any different? God is deeply honored when you express your anger and rage.
Very often, your anger at God is evidence of how important he is to you. It is evidence of your faithfulness to God. It's evidence of your maturity.
What are three reasons to pray the Psalms you have written?
1. Praying your Psalm with integrate the neurons in your brain that are fragmented! Emotional experience (your big feelings) is largely a right-brain function. Language is largely a left-brain function. Brain stability (Shalom/wholeness) is a function of the various connections with your brain. So when you put words with your emotions, you are literally linking neurons on your left hemisphere with the right. That is very healing for the brain. It integrates neural networks that were previously fragmented.
2. Praying your Psalm with liberate your heart. If we don't pray the Psalms, our own experience may be left untapped and inarticulate and therefore not liberated. If we don't pray our feelings, then our experience may be left untapped. Loneliness. Powerlessness. Those experiences are then buried. They need to be released and able to flow. You don't want to leave it trapped. You want to let yourself feel it. You want to articulate it and put it out there. Name it to Tame it! You must name your fear to become free from it. But Adam is saying don't just name it. Pour out that feeling to God in prayer unedited with rawness and grit and passion. Tell God just how bad things really are for you.
3. It's an act of self-care. It can be an act of defiant hope. Praying a Psalm provides access to feelings that might otherwise lie fallow. It is highly likely that you are having feelings right now that you don't know you are having. "Save me oh God for the waters have come up to my neck." If you don't connect to these feelings, they might erupt. Who among us does not know the experience of suddenly erupting with emotion that is disproportionate to the situation we are in.
4. It can be an act of defiant hope. Reorientation involves the Psalmists looking to God when all evidence looks to be contrary. This has nothing to do with optimism! The Psalmist has already named with great clarity and honesty how troubled life is. He's already said how much is wrong. This is an act of defiant hope. When you say something like "But I trust in your never-ending love," you are defying the work of evil in this world. This last element of a Psalm which includes reorienting yourself to your life (which doesn't have to happen every time), BUT words of reorientation, assert things that have not yet come to pass, and in that way, they are defiant.
"When the Psalmist asserts hope and trust in the God who is in control, it strikes one as
ludicrous in our world, because most of the evidence of the newspapers suggests God is not in power. If the words must be descriptive, then such a claim is deceptive, for God manifestly is not in control. But if the words are evocative of a new reality yet to come to being, then the words have a powerful function. And indeed, sometimes in a world where the circumstances are hopeless, it is important to pray and speak and sing and share a hopeful word against all the data.” Brueggemann
That is true in our cultural life and our personal life. When the Psalms say something like "God my heart trusts in You," the Psalmist is not describing the actual state of things either in the world or in their heart. The Psalmist is using their words and their will to evoke a new reality that has yet to come to pass. The Psalmist is praying and singing and thinking a word that is against all the data. Words of reorientation have the effect of vetoing the power of The Pit!
To pray words of reorientation is to become vulnerable to the hope that is inside of you. And that hope might be very small. But it is there! God can restore the years that the locus has eaten. You don't need to include words of orientation in all the Psalms you have written, but you might find your heart wants to do it in some.
Post-lecture notes:
I continue to work in how I am talking to my children. Here are some other things I have learned. I want my children to grow up knowing they never have to lie to be loved. They never have to silence themselves to stay safe. They can come to me always. Even when it is hard. Even they are scared. Even when they think I won't understand. I am not there to control them. I am here to hold them.
#1 "Even if something big happened ... even if you made a mistake or hurt someone ... you are always safe to come and talk to me. We will figure it out together." I say this so they know: Even when they get it wrong, they don't have to hide. They can come to me -- not for punishment, but for presence, guidance, and repair.
#2 "You can cry, you can feel sad, you can feel angry -- and i will still be here. I'm not going anywhere." I say this because I want them to know: their emotions are never too much for me. Even when it's loud, even when it's messy ... I'm still here. My love doesn't leave.
#3 "Your thoughts matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. And you can always speak to me." I say this to remind them: They don't need to shrink themselves to belong. This home will never ask them to be small.
#4 "If you have questions -- about your body, about people, about the world, even the uncomfortable ones -- come talk to me. Mama will never judge you." I say this so they know -- there's nothing too weird, too awkward or too much. I'm here to teach, not shame. To guide, not punish.
#5 "Even if you're scared ... even if it feels like the worst mistakes ... you can always tell Mama. I won't judge you. I trust you." I say this so they know: even if they made a big mistake, they don't have to hide. They're still safe with me. We'll talk about it, we'll understand it and we'll grow from it so they don't have to repeat what isn't safe. Because I'm here to guide them, not scare them.
#6 "Thank you for telling me. I really appreciate you sharing this with me." I say this every time they open up: because I want them to feel seen. To know I'm really listening. That their words matter to me. And that I never take it lightly when they trust me with their truth.
#7 "Let's hear both of you -- what happened, how you each felt -- so we can find a solution that feels right for both of you." I say this when there's conflict between siblings, friends, or even with me or their dad. because I'm not here to pick a side. My job is to be present, to listen, and to help them see that both sides carry a feeling, a need. We're not here to blame or shame. We're here to understand and grow together.
#8 "In our house, we don't carry secrets. If anyone ever tells you to keep something secret and it feels uncomfortable -- you can always come to Mama. You are safe to tell me anything." I say this so they know: if something feels wrong in their body, they can come to me. They don't have to keep it in. They don't have to stay quiet to feel loved. I'll always listen. I'll always believe them.
 |
| Ella, Abigail, Regan, Lily, and another Regan -- these gals have become very dear friends to Abigail. They recently celebrated pink-dress Regan's birthday. |
We went to a wonderful Easter service at Tusculum University. John had to work, but we went without him. Hannah did her last year singing. She's in the fifth grade so she will now move into the middle school and not sing anymore. Kids are growing up so fast.
Bad: "You're fine. Shake it off."
Better: "I see you're upset. Want to tell me what happened."
***
Bad: "You can't be full, there's still food on your plate."
Better: "Your tummy knows when it is full. Want to save the rest for later?"
***
Bad: "You can't be cold. It's hot outside."
Better: "Do you need a jacket or something else to feel comfortable?"
***
Bad: "You're making me so frustrated right now!"
Better: "I'm feeling overwhelmed. Let's take a second and figure this out together."
***
Bad: "That's not what happened, you're remembering it wrong."
Better: "I remember it a little differently. Let's talk about it."
***
Bad: "You should know better by know."
Better: "Let's go over this so it makes more sense next time."
Kids are loud
They're messy.
They're all over the place.
They're intense.
And that's how kids are supposed to be.
Kids are supposed to be well-behaved.
They're supposed to basically come into this world and flail their arms and find out where the boundaries are.
That's what kids do.
And our job as parents is to allow them to find those boundaries safely.
And sometimes it's hard because what kids do, is that they come into this world and they behave in ways that press our buttons.
Because we see so much of ourselves in those children.
What our kids need more than anythign else, is that they need to learn how to regulate.
Most of you who don't know how to regulate, it's because your parents never demonstrated it for you.
Because when a child is having a meltdown, what do most parents typically say?
"Just stop it. For God's sake! Go to your room! I'm sick of hearing you carrying on. You are so dramatic!
Whereas what that child needs in that moment is a nice, calm parent to come alongside them in the middle of the storm.
They need that parent to get down on a knee and grab them and put their forehead against their forehead and bring them in and just hold them and say:
"It's going to be okay."
Your calmness is your super power. Let them throw tantrums, your silence, calmness, and persistence will be the water that put them out.
The guesses included the SIZE of the trauma or the LENGTH of the trauma. When 9-11 happened, they thought they would see a ton of PTSD. But there was relatively NONE.
But here is what they found:
The number one indicator of people who grew through trauma wasn't what they went through -- it was whether they had a community of people to support and process them in it.
Let that sink in.
We're not meant to carry the weight of life's storms alone.
to help de-escalate an upset child ...
1. "You're not in trouble. I'm here to help."
2. "I hear you. I'm listening."
3. "It's okay to feel this way. I'm right here."
4. "Let's take a deep breath together."
5. "I'm on your team. We'll figure this out."
6. "You're safe. I've got you."
7. "I see this is really hard for you."
8. "Your feelings make sense to me."
9. "We can handle this together."
10. "I love you no matter what."
to encourage your child ...
1. It's okay to be mad, but it's not okay to be mean." (Ephesians 4:26)
2. Every family is unique and different, in our family, this is our rule. (Joshua 24:15)
3. If someone says "stop", we "stop." (Romans 13:10)
4. We don't gossip about other people. (Eph 4:29)
5. We can't control others, we can only control ourselves. (Matthew 7:3-5)
6. Would you like me to help you, or should I just listen right now? (James 1:19)
1. Do you want my advice, or do you want me to just listen?
2. What do you need most from me right now?
3. I see you're passionate about this. How can I support you?
4. I can tell you're enjoying this. Would you like some extra time to finish?
5. What's your side of the story?
6. How can I love you better?
7. What would make you feel supported?
One year ago today, I hit the very lowest of my lows in my depression/anxiety journey. John was at hit wit's end. He didn't know how to help me. My kids needed their mom. I was unable to function, and quite honestly, was wondering if I needed to go to the hospital as I could not function.
But that day was a turning point in my healing journey. I listened to what my body told me it needed. I used to refrain from using phrases like this, but now I use them readily. Is this the Holy Spirit. For sure? But it doesn't speak to me in the way I believed it did.
I had never learned to listen to my body. I believed my body was bad. I also believed that if I said anything out loud, I was giving Satan a foothold and it could come true. I had created a life of pretending. I had shoved everything imaginable down into the depths of my soul, and I truly believed that a choice to not look things in the face could keep you healthy.
But the body keeps the score. The things you shove down, are NOT BEING SHOVED DOWN. They are being STORED in your body. I was storing all of this crap in my body. The Holy Spirit tells me it needs rest. It tells me that I don't need to say mean things to myself. It listens to my friends as they guide me in my journey. It doesn't try to help everyone and anyone. It does what it needs. And that is not selfish. Self care is important and valuable. Boundaries are important. Triggers are real.
Depression and anxiety are real things, but they are always a result of something. If you are battling anxiety, it is not random. There is something in your body that is saying I AM NOT WELL!
Will you listen?
I wasn't listening.
And I was drawing close to death. Truly.
Good Friday was the turning point. Ever since that day, I have been clawing my way back out. And I am getting healthier and healthier and healthier. I am learning so much. My healing journey has been crucial. It is revolutionizing ME and my CHILDREN.
I am a changed person. I will never go to Good Friday again. But I had to die on Good Friday in order to get to the resurrection on Sunday!
This morning at 4am, my friend Erin and her husband Craig and two amazing kiddos headed out of Greeneville. I am sure I've talked about the Dunhams many times on the Blog. Craig and John were at the same class at Fort Lauderdale Christian School for most of their lives. Craig and I weren't big fans of each other at all. His mother was my 2nd grade teacher. John was in Craig's wedding, and then, life took us all over the world.
I didn't know Erin at all, but in 2015, when we lived in Spring Hill, Craig was deployed with the Air Force, and she came to visit us in Spring Hill, TN. The first time I have record of a visit with her on this Blog was in 2016.
Erin and I are very different people. She's organized, efficient, and Type A. I'm ... well, none of those things. But somehow, we fell in love with each other and have become fast friends.
A few years ago, they came and lived on the farm for about 7 months while Craig was deployed again, and then this past year, they spent nearly all of it in Greeneville while planning their new life in Malaysia.
We took this picture on our last day of co-op together. I brought our favorite drinks (I'm working on not drinking much Mountain Dew) and Erin's coffee.
I've had to say a lot of good byes in my life, but since I moved to the farm ten years ago, I have been a bit protected from those challenges. This week, it came up again. It is what life is, isn't it? We love. And we lose. Not that I'm losing Erin, but it is very sad to not have her with us in Greeneville anymore.
We are planning a (tentative) trip to Malaysia to visit them. We have never been East of Turkey so this would be a big deal for us. We will see if we can do that. We are looking at December/January of 2026-2027.
Last night, we drove over to have an impromptu dinner with them and say our final good byes. Most of my kids were at Youth Group, but Zach and Hannah and Zoey were there and got to spend some time together. Here are a few more snaps of the evening:
