It's tragic that some school of Christianity paint emotions as somehow bad.

Emotions are how the brain makes sense of what you are experiencing, including your body's physical reactions to your environment (heart racing, stomach churning, excited butterflies, etc.), your circumstances, and what you anticipate is coming next. Can you see how emotions are actually the most personal part of you, the core of who you are? You can't have intimacy with others, or with God, if you can't share that emotional life. That's why emotions are the main building block to intimacy.

It's tragic that some school of Christianity paint emotions as somehow bad. It's not a far leap, then, to think that being angry or disappointed at God or scared of the future is sinful (in which case, most of the Psalms are David sinning!) or that being sad or anxious means you don't trust God enough. Then, when we have emotions that are a logical response to our situation, we feel ashamed, as if God is disappointed in us. That leads to trying to stifle those emotions so they don't cause the discomfort. Do this enough times and it will be hard to be open with your spouse too. 

But as Marc Alan Shelske explains in his book The Wisdom of Your Heart, "Your emotions are made in God's image." In Scripture, God shows joy, tenderness, compassion, grief, jealousy, anger. Jesus laughs with tax collectors and sinners; he becomes overwhlemed and has to withdraw from the crowds; he's in anguish in the garden of Gethsemane. God has a rich emotional life -- and you can too!

Trauma is also stored in our bodies. Trauma is the lasting emotional response that is stored in the body after experiencing a distressing event. When something bad happens to us, our bodies can go into fight-flight-freeze-or-fawn mode. When that trauma isn't properly resolved, our brains can remain stuck in that place. A person who can't sleep without a night-light or who flinches when someone touches them from behind isn't crazy, isn't weak, isn't too emotional. They actually are likely quite strong because they've managed to function despite what they've been through. But they may need help processing the trauma that is still stored in the body and in the brain, and a licensed counselor trained in evidence-based trauma therapies can help them move through that trauma so it doesn't keep them stuck.

A large part of how we construct the inner emotional life is based on our stories. Marc Alan Schelske explains, "Our stories are the narratives we hold about own lives. Our stories are the history of the experiences, bu they're more than that. They're the web of meaning, explanation, and even justification that we've woven around our memories and history. Much of the time, without even knowing it, we choose to live out of these stories. And he explains, if we don't process these stories, then they will keep shaping our choices, even if subconsciously. Part of becoming emotionally healthy, then, is examining our own stories. 

Many of us ignore those stories, though. Due to attachment issues, childhood trauma, abuse, or even just normal hurts and rejections, we've been left feeling like there's something deeply and fundamentally wrong with us. We battle feelings of shame, and it's easier to try to stuff that emotion down than to face it in the open. When we don't examine and process our stories, though, they will show up in how we response to our spouse -- becoming sullen, defensive, or aggressive -- as we try to hide from our emotions may be telling us about ourselves. 

FROM: THE MARRIAGE YOU WANT by: Sheila Ray Gregoire and Dr. Keith Gregoire