An Emotionally Intelligent Parent

Here are three great habits to work to change in order to practice being an EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT PARENT. 

1. I try to never tell my kids "You made so angry when you did or didn't do _____." I don't want my kids to feel responsible for my or anyone else's feelings. Yes, I want them to learn that their actions or words affect other people, but kids are really good at blaming themselves for their parents anger.

2. I refuse to send them to their room when they are emotionally dysregulated.  Of course if a kid is hitting or being violent you may need to remove them from a situation but far too often, we angrily send them to their rooms to be alone when they are upset or angry, but all they are learning is that big feelings are bad, I'm bad, and my parents don't want to be around me when I am sad or angry. I refuse to punish them for not getting emotional regulation right at the age of 7 when I still don't get it right at 47!

3. I will intentionally take accountability and responsibility. When I mess up and get over-stimulated, and I say something that I shouldn't, it's really easy to want to sweep it under the rug. It's really easy to make excuses in my head and blame them for the fact that I yelled. Try asking your kids at bedtime if there is anything you need to apologize for that happened that day. "Is there anything on your heart? Because it matters to me." And if they are bold enough to share that I hurt their feelings, I am going to listen! I am going to nod. I am going to say, "Thank you for telling me what you are feeling. I am sorry." Because I want them to learn those skills a lot sooner than I did.

Things we should say to our children

I continue to work in how I am talking to my children. Here are some other things I have learned. I want my children to grow up knowing they never have to lie to be loved. They never have to silence themselves to stay safe. They can come to me always. Even when it is hard. Even they are scared. Even when they think I won't understand. I am not there to control them. I am here to hold them. 

#1 "Even if something big happened ... even if you made a mistake or hurt someone ... you are always safe to come and talk to me. We will figure it out together." I say this so they know: Even when they get it wrong, they don't have to hide. They can come to me -- not for punishment, but for presence, guidance, and repair. 

#2 "You can cry, you can feel sad, you can feel angry -- and i will still be here. I'm not going anywhere." I say this because I want them to know: their emotions are never too much for me. Even when it's loud, even when it's messy ... I'm still here. My love doesn't leave. 

#3 "Your thoughts matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. And you can always speak to me." I say this to remind them: They don't need to shrink themselves to belong. This home will never ask them to be small. 

#4 "If you have questions -- about your body, about people, about the world, even the uncomfortable ones -- come talk to me. Mama will never judge you." I say this so they know -- there's nothing too weird, too awkward or too much. I'm here to teach, not shame. To guide, not punish. 

#5 "Even if you're scared ... even if it feels like the worst mistakes ... you can always tell Mama. I won't judge you. I trust you." I say this so they know: even if they made a big mistake, they don't have to hide. They're still safe with me. We'll talk about it, we'll understand it and we'll grow from it so they don't have to repeat what isn't safe. Because I'm here to guide them, not scare them.

#6 "Thank you for telling me. I really appreciate you sharing this with me." I say this every time they open up: because I want them to feel seen. To know I'm really listening. That their words matter to me. And that I never take it lightly when they trust me with their truth. 

#7 "Let's hear both of you -- what happened, how you each felt -- so we can find a solution that feels right for both of you." I say this when there's conflict between siblings, friends, or even with me or their dad. because I'm not here to pick a side. My job is to be present, to listen, and to help them see that both sides carry a feeling, a need. We're not here to blame or shame. We're here to understand and grow together. 

#8 "In our house, we don't carry secrets. If anyone ever tells you to keep something secret and it feels uncomfortable -- you can always come to Mama. You are safe to tell me anything." I say this so they know: if something feels wrong in their body, they can come to me. They don't have to keep it in. They don't have to stay quiet  to feel loved. I'll always listen. I'll always believe them.

 

Here's what we need to understand as parents ...

Kids are loud

They're messy.

They're all over the place.  

They're intense. 

And that's how kids are supposed to be. 

Kids are supposed to be well-behaved. 

They're supposed to basically come into this world and flail their arms and find out where the boundaries are. 

That's what kids do. 

And our job as parents is to allow them to find those boundaries safely. 

And sometimes it's hard because what kids do, is that they come into this world and they behave in ways that press our buttons. 

Because we see so much of ourselves in those children. 

What our kids need more than anythign else, is that they need to learn how to regulate. 

Most of you who don't know how to regulate, it's because your parents never demonstrated it for you. 

Because when a child is having a meltdown, what do most parents typically say? 

"Just stop it. For God's sake! Go to your room! I'm sick of hearing you carrying on. You are so dramatic! 

Whereas what that child needs in that moment is a nice, calm parent to come alongside them in the middle of the storm. 

They need that parent to get down on a knee and grab them and put their forehead against their forehead and bring them in and just hold them and say: 

"It's going to be okay."

Your calmness is your super power. Let them throw tantrums, your silence, calmness, and persistence will be the water that put them out. 

 

Powerful one-liners ...

to help de-escalate an upset child ...

1. "You're not in trouble. I'm here to help."

2. "I hear you. I'm listening."

3. "It's okay to feel this way. I'm right here."

4. "Let's take a deep breath together."

5. "I'm on your team. We'll figure this out."

6. "You're safe. I've got you."

7. "I see this is really hard for you."

8. "Your feelings make sense to me."

9. "We can handle this together."

10. "I love you no matter what."  

to encourage your child ...

1. It's okay to be mad, but it's not okay to be mean." (Ephesians 4:26)

2. Every family is unique and different, in our family, this is our rule. (Joshua 24:15)

3. If someone says "stop", we "stop." (Romans 13:10)

4. We don't gossip about other people. (Eph 4:29)

5. We can't control others, we can only control ourselves. (Matthew 7:3-5)

6. Would you like me to help you, or should I just listen right now? (James 1:19)

 

 

Eating "what we got"

Today, tired of food complaining and pickiness, John and I decided that for one week, we would buy NO food and the kids would have to make their own meals and "make due" with what we have. 

Today is day 1. We have no milk. We are out of bread. No fresh fruit. But tons of items from around our farm and in our freezers. They can figure out whatever they like.

May the force be with them.

What we want for our children

 

This is what I want for my children. John and I have discussed this. We must allow our kids, especially our Sidge who has a great propensity for nature, to dilly-dally. Sometimes, we get outside, and we are on a mission to get this farm chore done. Or that farm chore done. But Sidge never is. He's enjoying being outside. He's looking around. It's about the journey. Not the destination.

This story reminds me of a trip I took with three friends. Angelica (from Spain), Rana (from Turkey), and my friends Sarah and I (Americans.) We were in DC. Sarah and I wanted to get to our destination. We could stop and talk once we got there. But for Rana and Angelica it was about taking the trip, making the walk, enjoying the time together. When Sarah and I (sort of) said: "Let's keep walking!" they were like, "Why? We can stop and talk! It's about enjoying the journey to the spot."

Such a different perspective that I think parallels how Americans just ARE about things sometimes.

Preserving Children

 

Tuesday Truth

Homeschooling Mama Woes

Bohemian Waxwing

One of my biggest frustrations as a homeschooling Mama is the abundance of questions I receive. Because my kiddos don't go to school for seven hours a day and give all of their questions to another adult, I get their questions. I get all the questions. All day long. Day after day. 

And because I am a glutton for punishment, I've added my cousin's kids too. So there are nine kids to ask questions instead of four. 

(Okay, to be fair, this arrangement brings Aunt Hannah with them which means we are dividing up the questions. But she's mostly with the little kids who ask more annoying but easier questions. I'm with the older kids who ask questions that I sometimes genuinely don't know the answer to or have to look up somewhere.)

Now questions are one thing. But questions at inopportune times is another thing altogether. For example, I can be out with my kiddos in the living room for an hour with no questions. Then I go into use the bathroom, and I hear a knock at the door. Then a voice will say, "Can you explain to me why there was no money in the banks during The Great Depression?"

And I say: "Can I discuss this with you as soon as I am done in the bathroom?"

And sometimes that makes them go away. But sometimes they will try to just stand there and wait for me. Or sometimes they will say just a smattering of seconds later, "Hey Mom. Are you done yet?" Or even better. Sometimes when they leave, another kid comes in to take their place. 

It's like they are taking turns keeping me occupied or something.

So .... back on track here. 

I've been working with the kiddos on not asking questions that are poorly timed.

Today, and I kid you not, I was moving a safe. Not a huge safe but a safe that required me to put my back into it. In the middle of trying to relocate the safe, I hear a voice behind me saying: "What does B-o-h-e-m-i-a-n spell Mama?"

I didn't answer because I was occupied. Said child waited three seconds and started spelling it again. 

I stopped my safe moving and stood up and said, "Do you think this is a good time for a spelling question?"

And I kid you not, the child looked at me with an expression that said, "It seems pretty good to me."

(Child didn't say that outloud thank goodness.)

Oh and Bohemian was important because we were studying birds. Check out the bird at the top to find the culprit behind the question.

And for a good laugh, check out one of my very favorite video clips ever by comedian Jim Gaffigan. (It's clean and so fun!)

When not going to the White House teaches you the best lesson of all

I have a friend who shall remain nameless.

This friend was incredibly excited. A casual friend had an inside connection and was able to secure a private tour of the White House.

For my friend, a major history buff, this was a really big deal. And not only is she a major buff but her husband and oldest son are as well. This family loves history. Loves visiting historical sites. 

This wasn't just a regular old tour. This tour included the Briefing Room and the Oval Office and the places that most people will never get to see. 

So she and her husband and her two kids joined casual friend and his wife for the tour. 

Only when they got to security and my friend went to pull out her identification, she realized that she didn't have it. 

Somewhere between the car and the White House, her identification had fallen out of her pocket. 

Scouring occurred to no avail. 

And she couldn't go on the tour.

Casual friend and his wife went without her. 

But now her husband and two sons stood in front of her. She begged her husband to take the kids and join casual friend and his wife. 

Her husband refused. Didn't even think twice. Said no way. They would all go home together -- having not seen the inside of the Oval Office or all the other cool places inside the most famous building in our country. 

My friend is not a crier, but she cried that night. She felt so bad. Not just that she had missed out but that her children missed out on this huge opportunity. 

She was so disappointed in herself and mad at herself. And she just felt lousy.

And then she walked into her bedroom and found this note (pictured above) lying on her bed. 

Written by her fifth grade son, if you look closely you will see that he has crossed out a picture of the White House and a picture of her I.D. and instead put a heart around a picture of their family in a heart. 

I know this is a difficult time for you. But it will be okay and remember even in times like this, God is with you all the way. And he and the White House and Military ID are not important. The most important thing is family. We will always be there for you. 

Talk about lessons learned.

I asked her for permission to share this story because I know we often face disappointments as parents and people. We have to watch our children face major disappointments as well. But in the end, what we learn during those events will matter much more than the disappointment itself.

Her son learned that: 

1. Bad things happen
2. You need to be careful with your things
3. Some things just cannot be fixed
4. Family sticks together
5. Things aren't really that important

She also, as a mother, can obviously see that she has been leading her boys well. And not only her, but their father. Their father showed his boys that their mother was more important than a tour. That they are in this together.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

I have other friends who have had to tackle some major disappointments recently. What good are you learning? What good is your child learning? What good is God showing you? 

Keep the big picture in mind. Years from now, it will matter much more than a tour of the White House. 

Dumb Parents

Yesterday I had an epiphany of sorts.

My whole life I have been surrounded by dumb parents. 

Not my parents of course. As much as I thought they were dumb when I was a kid, I'm not talking about them.

I'm talking about parents who keep doing stupid parent things when it comes to their kids.

I grew up the daughter of an athletic director/teacher/coach. My mother drove a school bus. My memories of parents causing problems for my parents goes back to some of my earliest memories.

I remember my mother being verbally berated by a parent after confusion regarding a bus stop pick-up. My dad's encounters were much worse. Parents actually pulling children out of school because of his decisions regarding the sport they were playing for him. Phone calls. Letters. Embarrassing encounters.

And this was before social media and email. I can't imagine how much worse it would be for those in positions of education today.

After I left home, I made the decision to become a teacher and coach myself. I worked with some wonderful parents. But I also encountered some dumb parents. Or not-dumb parents who just made dumb decisions in the moment.

My brother is now an athletic director at large Christian school in South Florida. My sister-in-law, Danielle, has occupied the same position at a smaller school. Many of my friends are teachers or coaches.

I could give example after example from them and from me, but I'll refrain. The specific stories aren't as important as the general theme of what I am writing.

Why, in heaven's name do parents lose all sense of reasonableness when it comes to their children?!

I love my kids. I would die for my kids. But when, oh when, will parents stop losing sight of the big picture?

I wrote about this previously on my blog. Instead of rewriting all the stuff I wrote before you can read about it here: 

The Big Picture

Last night I had a new encounter. This was my first encounter as a parent faced with another parent who was being dumb.

Last night I met a a dumb parent not as the daughter of the coach. Not as a daughter or sister of the teacher/coach/athletic director/bus driver. But as the parent of a child being affected by aforementioned dumb parent.

I won't get into the details of the story. It's too fresh, and I don't want to cause any additional grief. But I witnessed a parent stepping into a situation and directing their desire for their child's success at my own child. Instead of trusting the coach or going through the right channels, they decided to berate my child.

And still, despite the fact that this was occurring, I did what I always say. I sat back. I waited. I let the coach step in. I did not get involved and will not get involved. I am letting those in charge work it out.

But parents, why are you so dumb!?

Why do you feel the need to step in, over step, micro-manage, and lose sight of the big picture?

It isn't about the activity itself.

It's about teaching your child about life.

On the way home from said encounter, I had the chance to talk to my kiddos about what happens when adults make bad decisions. How often times it isn't the kid. It's the parent. The parent being STUPID.

Stop it.

Stop it parents.

Let's all work together to keep the big picture in mind and get focused on the things that really matter.

I write this post to remind you to see the big picture. Remember why you are having your kids participate in this activity. They are getting exercise. They are a part of a team. They are working toward a goal. They are listening to someone and following directions. They are facing frustration, disappointment, and lack of fairness. And they area also getting to see accomplishments, excitement, and reaching goals.

25 Things to remember when I feel like a failure as a parent

"A good mom has bad days & great days & normal days & overwhelming days & perfect days & trying days & supermom days & just being a mom days & a whole lot of love & real & crazy motherhood days." 

What I really looked like this morning

vs. what I wish in my head I looked like this morning

Tuesday is always a hard day for me. It's jam-packed with activities (gymnastics, speech, three different ballets, and karate.) John and I have spoken often about trying to change how heavy this day is, but we simply have not been able to alleviate the load. 

John is working a lot. So it's just me. And so I'm sitting here, way past my bedtime, feeling sorry for myself. Feeling like I've failed my kids today. My husband today. Myself today.

My truth:

• I lost my cool once.
• I lost my cool twice.
• I lost my cool three times.
• I maybe lost it a fourth time.
• We had two woofers here to help on the farm. They didn't need me. All I had to do was raise the children today.
• I was tired.
• I was crabby.
• I ate badly.
• I failed to solve an argument between my boys.
• I didn't feed my kids great today.
• I had a kid get scratched and have an allergic reaction to a cat.
• I had a kid drop their entire plate of spaghetti on the floor. 
• I have a kid crying as I write this because they miss Dad, and I am not able to make them feel better.
• I dropped balls.

I could go on. But I'll stop. I realized, as I was sitting here, that dwelling on me stinking at this job isn't going to help. 

So I decided to switch it around and think about some of the FACTS of motherhood and today.

If you are feeling like me, today, or any other day in the future ... if you are feeling like you just stink at being a mom (or a dad!), here are some things for me (and YOU!) to remember:

1. That I feel worse when I am tired (or stressed!)
2. That I show up. EVERY. DAY. (Not all employees do that!)
3. That it is the sum of days (not just today!) that will define my children.
4. That my children see all of me. The bad AND the good.
5. That love goes a long way. I love them. I love them. And I love them some more.
6. That if I care about being a screw-up, then I actually care.
7. That my God is a God of grace.
8. That I can make changes. 
9. That tomorrow can be different.
10. That tomorrow can be better.
11. That talking realistically about parenthood and how wonderfully hard it is, allows us all to feel less alone in the challenges.
12. That I am not necessarily to blame for my kids' bad attitudes or behavior.  
13. That my kids are alive today. 
14. That my kids did not get permanently injured today. 
15. That my kids ate enough food and drank enough water to live today. 
16. That this job is hard.
17. That I must acknowledge all I did do today.
18. That the perfect mom I see in my mind doesn't exist.
19. That being involved in my kids' lives means a lot.
20. That I should think on what is true.
21. That I should pray.
22. That I am dearly loved.
23. That I am gifted by God for this job.
24. That I need to give myself permission to take a time-out (or a bubble bath!)
25. That I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

The gifts of our children

"Every child is a different kind of flower. All together they make this world a beautiful garden." 

Hannah Joy Pomegranate

Hannah is now reading. My parents sent her a card so she could read it all by herself. She was so proud! It was actually one of the first things she said to me when she started reading: "If someone sends something in the mail to me, I can read it by myself!" Hannah is still little and I can't tell exactly where God is taking her, but my prayer is that she uses her zest and personality and love of life to make others feel the love of Jesus everyday. 

Abigail Grace

Abigail is going to be competing in ballet this year -- her teacher has never let a seven-year-old do it before so we are super proud of her. She's doing a solo to Jamie Grace's Beautiful Day and will also be competing in a trio where she will be the evil villain Poison Ivy. We simply can't help but smile when we watch her body work so well for her. We really believe that her gift lies in MOVEMENT and we look forward to watching the Lord lead her to bring honor to him through her athleticism, strength, and like her middle name ... GRACE.

Elijah Luke (aka "Sidge")

Sidge is our "passionate" child. He is like his mom in that things are either AMAZING or HORRIBLE. He loves nature and animals and lately, he's become obsessed with obstacle courses. His body is getting sooooo strong as he gets better and better at pushing himself to new limits. He is going to be a big man, and we pray this his heart is as strong as his body.

Isaac John

 To see this young man speak music as a first language is simply something I can't even put into words. I could listen to him play all day long. We are continually asking the Lord to give him a selfless heart that wants to bring joy to others through his gifts -- especially his gift of music.

Don't forget their soul!

"A thorough knowledge of the Bible is worth more than a college education." Theodore Roosevelt

I wrote a piece for The Glorious Table a few months back entitled: Are You Parenting with the Big Picture in Mind?

I want to remind us all that the most important part of our children is their SOUL. That is the part we should be nurturing more than ever. 

Below I share a video of our last homeschooling day before the Christmas break. (Yes! We take breaks too!) Our eldest six kiddos are doing some drawing while going through and doing their "Letter of the week" memory verses.


Our youngest kiddos use the verses I linked to above. For our older kiddos, we do the full verse, making it more challenging. Check it out:

I love the A-B-C nature of these verses because they can be brought to mind easily. I, myself, have laid in bed on particularly troubling days and simply begun reciting verses from A to Z! It's easy to do. (We do one each week and then each week, we try to recite up to the point we are at which is what we are doing in the video below.)

Don't forget their souls folks! Don't forget their SOUL!

 

The Glorious Table: Play for Christ

I had the great honor of writing another post for The Glorious Table! Enjoy!

Play for Christ By: Wendi Kitsteiner

While my family was living on a tiny island in the middle of the Atlantic (my husband was in the Air Force at the time, and we were stationed there), my two little boys started taking tennis lessons. They were four and five. Very little. But we thought it was a good opportunity.

We wanted them to work on hand-eye-coordination and listening skills and following instructions and waiting for their turn. We were planning to homeschool the following year, and we planned to incorporate a sport and a musical instrument into our curriculum.

Although, I am a former college basketball player, I was hesitant to get my kids involved in athletics too young. I attended some soccer and t-ball games for five-year-olds, and it seemed like a lot of effort for little return. So many practices. So many games. Uniforms and cleats. Snack requirements. And then, during the game, it seemed the kids were more interested in picking flowers or playing with their friends on the sidelines than they were about kicking a ball.

Then I heard about tennis lessons. We loved the idea. No games. No parents yelling from the stands. No being out multiple nights a week. Instead, just two one-hour lessons a week. Isaac and Elijah were both in the same group. Five Portuguese kids and my boys. A Portuguese coach who could speak decent English. It sounded perfect.

To read the rest of this article, please jump over to the post at THE GLORIOUS TABLE. 

The Grinch: A Confession

"Parenting: If you're not tired, you're not doing it right." 

Our Grama Joni was supposed to fly in today, but Grampa Roy was really sick so she had to postpone/cancel her trip so she could take care of him. 

We were all super bummed. It was overcast and drizzly and rainy and just blah here on the farm. JB was working. Grampa and Grama are in middle TN visiting family. 

So instead of being crabby, I decided to try to make it a fun day. We went to Johnson City where I picked up grains for the farm and I then took the kiddos to Starbucks and to see the new Grinch movie. 

I've never been a big fan of the Grinch, but this movie was really cute. I was enjoying it, and the kids were really enjoying it. However, I can't give a completely accurate report because somewhere around the halfway mark, I fell asleep. 

And I woke up at the credits!

This has never happened to me in a theatre and especially not in a theatre when I am in charge of four children. 

But the kids like the movie.

And I liked my nap!

Are you parenting with the big picture in mind?

Chances are if you’re the parent of a school-aged child, that child is involved in something: Soccer. Basketball. Academic teams. Boy Scouts. Playing an instrument. Ballet.

The list of possibilities is endless, and the time commitments are usually significant. How does one mother get four children to two activities each over the course of one week? How does she put food on the table and clean her house and handle dentist and doctor appointments?

I have no idea. I don’t have much advice either, but I will tell you “Good luck” and pat you on the back. We can both hope for the best as I leave it to the parenting experts to give you tips on how to do the humanly impossible.

After an extensive athletic career both in playing and coaching, however, I dofeel that I have enough expertise to discuss another aspect of raising a child who participates in activities.

Let me ask you a few tough questions:

• What is your reason for allowing your child to participate?
• Are you keeping the big picture in mind as you drive them from place to place?
• Are you focused on what this activity is teaching your child about life?
• What do you spend the most time thinking about: their playing time or how they’re growing as a person?

I am so honored to have had the opportunity to write this piece for The Glorious Table. To read the rest of this article, please jump to The Glorious Table here.

The Care of Our Children's Souls

FEBRUARY 28, 2018

The Care of Our Children’s Souls

I am a homeschool mom to four children between the ages of four and nine. However, this is not a post discussing how you should or should not educate your children. It doesn’t matter whether you choose homeschooling or public school or private education. We all love our children. We are all striving to do what we think is best for them.

No matter how we educate, the choices we make as parents are the same. We must choose what will be a priority in the life of our child. We must choose where we put our time and money and effort.

As a former high school English teacher and now a teacher of four little ones, I often get into discussions about education with other parents. As we talk, we usually find ourselves pondering one question: What is the most important part of education?

To read the rest of this article which I wrote for THE GLORIOUS TABLE, please click here. 

The Big Picture

I wrote this post for my Homeschool Review Crew's website. You can read it as it was printed by clicking here.

Chances are if you are a parent, you are a parent whose child is involved in something. Ballet. Soccer. Basketball. Academic teams. Boy scouts. Instruments. The list is endless. And the time commitments are significant.

I'm not going to write a post giving you advice on how to manage multiple children and multiple activities. I have four children. If each of them are only in two things that means eight commitments. How does that work exactly?

I have no idea.

And truthfully, I don't have much advice either. It's hard. Be smart. Schedule wisely. Do your best.

You get the idea.

What I am going to talk about, however, is your attitude surrounding what your children are doing. What is your reason for having them participate in these activities? Are you keeping the big picture in mind while driving them from place to place? Are you more worried about playing time and fairness of the coaches than you are about what your children are learning about life through what they are doing?

Let me pause to give my resume for having this discussion. I grew up as a gym rat. My father was an athletic director and coach of every sport at a small Christian school. I spent my life in a gymnasium and watched my father battle and work with parents continually. I got to see the behind-the-scenes of coaching. In addition, my father coached me in three sports at our school, and I played for other coaches on travelling and AAU teams. I then played Division I basketball at Western Kentucky University followed by my own career as a high school coach of three different sports.

During that time I had so many opportunities to observe parents being idiots. Parents losing focus. Parents forgetting what they were doing and more importantly, why they were doing it. I watched parents throwing fits about things that they simply didn't understand or misunderstood. And I also met parents who were doing it right.

I reached the "pinnacle" of a basketball player's career (outside of the NBA) and still, for me, it ended around the time I was a legal adult. And I was part of a minuscule section of athletes. I watched parents at all levels treating their child like this sport was the end of the world. Instead of remembering that what you are actually trying to do through the activity is teach your young one about the world.

When I was a senior in high school, it was not even a question if I would be on the all-state team for Florida. It was a given. And yet the coach administering the ballots cheated. She removed my name and took her own player instead when my father/coach couldn't make the meeting. I remember he came home and sat me down. He told me what happened. That something wrong had been done. And then he asked me what we were going to do about it.

I shrugged and hung on his words. What would we do?

"Nothing," he said. "We aren't going to do anything."

He explained that basketball was not about the ball and the hoop. It was about what we learned as people. Sometimes life isn't fair. Sometimes people cheat. Sometimes the coach has favorites. (Although chances are, not as often as you think.) Sometimes things don't go the way you want. If something upsets you, you have to learn how to handle it. Do you confront the problem? Do you let it go? Are you looking at things fairly or with a skewed lens?

I could list example after example of parents making a fool out of themselves. Of parents yelling about things they had no clue about. Even a father who took his daughter to another school over something that happened on the court despite the fact that she had friends and was settled in so well where she was.

I write this post to remind you to see the big picture. Remember why you are having your kids participate in this activity. They are getting exercise. They are a part of a team. They are working toward a goal. They are listening to someone and following directions. They are facing frustration, disappointment, and lack of fairness. And they area also getting to see accomplishments, excitement, and reaching goals.

I encourage you to read some of the posts I have written on this topic linked below. Being a good fan for your kids is something I'm incredibly passionate about. When things don't go as you hoped, try keeping your mouth shut; encourage your child to confront situations they are unhappy with, and help them learn to accept decisions they don't agree with. Remember that within ten years, they will most likely not be participating in this activity anymore. What will they learn from it? And how can you help them do just that?

• To Ms. Basketball Mom That I Observed By the Coat Rack
• Opting Out of the Rug Rat Race
• Blowouts = Unsportsmanlike Conduct
• Six Words
• Fight Like Maddy

For us all to remember: The J.C. Ryle Archive

As Parents The Soul of Your Child is The First Thing to be Considered

Train with this thought continually before your eyes—that the soul of your child is the first thing to be considered.

Precious, no doubt, are these little ones in your eyes; but if you truly love them, then often think about their souls. Nothing should concern you as greatly as their eternal destiny. No part of them should be so dear to you as that part which will never die. The world, with all its glory, will pass away; "The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything in it will be laid bare." But the spirit which dwells in those little creatures, whom you love so well, will outlive them all, and whether they spend eternity in happiness or misery will depend a lot on you (speaking from man’s perspective).

This is the thought that should be uppermost on your mind in all that you do for your children. In every step you take about them, in every plan, and scheme, and arrangement that concerns them, do not leave out that mighty question, "How will this affect their souls?"

To love the soul is to really love. To pet and pamper and indulge your child, as if this world was all he had to look forward to, and this life the only period of happiness—to do this is not true love, but cruelty. It is treating him like some beast of the earth, which has only one world to look to, and nothing after death. It is hiding from him that grand truth, which he ought to be made to learn from his very infancy—that the number one goal of his life is the salvation of his soul.

A true Christian must not be a slave to what’s currently "in-fashion," if he wants to train his child for heaven. He must not be content to teach them and instruct them in certain ways, merely because it is customary, or to allow them to read books of a questionable sort, merely because everybody else reads them, or to let them form bad habits, merely because they are the habits of the day. He must train with an eye to his children's souls. He must not be ashamed to hear his training called odd and strange. What if it is? The time is short—the customs of this world are passing away. He that has trained his children for heaven, rather than for the earth—for God, rather than for man—he is the parent that will be called wise in the end.