Friday Funnies

“It’s so weird to think of your parents flirting,” Abigail said. 

“Yeah,” Hannah agreed. “They are to married to be flirting.”

Ritter

I love my Hubby

How Your Story is Affecting Your Relationship with Your Children

What follows are my notes from this podcast: 82. How Your Story is Affecting Your Relationship with Your Children

What do you do with the moment that you begin to look into your own story and you suddenly realize "Oh Crap. I am hurting my own children." 

This can actually distract you from looking into your own story. You shift and want to work on relationship with them instead of your own wounds. 

This guilt is holy. Some things do need to be addressed. You want to make it right. Your broken heart is evidence of your deep desire to love your children better. 

"The past isn't dead. It's not even past."

Your past experiences in your life are profoundly affecting how you are interacting with your children. 

But have we thought about, neurologically, why we are losing it with our children? Most parenting failures are caused by dis-regulation in the parent.

(Go back and listen to Episode 20 on "Affect regulation" if you want to learn more about dis-regulation.) Who doesn't know the experience of feeling triggered by your child? Yes, even a five-year-old can trigger us. Your child does something and your body goes into a different physiological state. We suddenly aren't being the parent we long to be. But why? 

Because issues from your past are being activated. In other words, you are remembering something from your past. But you don't have the sensation of recall. That's called implicit memory. (Check out Podcast 11 for more on that.)

Suppose when you were a boy or girl, you were not allowed to cry. It was off-limits. And now you have a seven-year-old son who cries often. When ever it drags on longer than you think it should, something in your body begins to change. You get dis-regulated. 

Why? 

Perhaps the fact that you were not allowed to cry when you were a child is playing a role. It's this sense of, "Look, I held it together as a kid. I never cried."

Have you named your own reality? Have you grieved about the particular losses that are bound up within that reality? Without that space for grief, it is very likely that your inability to cry as a child is contributing significantly to your diminished tolerance for your son's crying. 

You must address this part of your story to "fix" this. His crying is connecting you to part of a story that has not become engaged. So you become hyper-aroused. And now, you've taught him that he is not allowed to cry. And so, the process of generational wounding continues. 

What is driving your upset feelings toward your son? You are yelling at your son because you are trying to get your dis-regulation to stop! When we are dis-regulated, we will do whatever it takes to get regulated again. You want to be more comfortable in your own body. 

Your parenting failures are often bound up in your story. That means you must engage your story in order to improve in your own parenting of your children -- whatever age that they are. 

Is there a linkage in your parental failures and unaddressed part of your story? Be curious about that. 

It can be very hard to see the way your parents harmed you AND the way you are harming your children at the same time. It's like you are being squeezed from both sides. It can therefore become easy to get distracted by your own story work to deal with how you are treating your kids. 

So .... how do you respond when you realize you are hurting your children?

The single most important thing you can do is ADDRESS YOUR OWN STORY in your family of origin growing up. (This is actually data not opinion!)

"The best predictor of how our children will become attached to us, that is how emotionally healthy they are, is how well we as parents have come to make sense of our lives. How well we tell a coherent story of our early life experiences." -- Dan Siegel

A great book about this is Parenting from the Inside Out by Dan Siegel.

If you want to be a better parent, there are two things to do: 

1. Focus on yourself as a CHILD. Do the reflective work to make sense of your own story when you were growing up and when you were a child. In some ways, you need to parent yourself as a child in order to be a better parent to your child -- even if they are an adult now!

Become curious about when you get dis-regulated with your children. Rather than being furious at yourself for losing it with your kids or grandkids, be curious WHY DO I GET DIS-REGULATED WHEN MY GRANDKID DOES ______." Your dis-regulation is about YOUR STORY not their behavior. (Even if their behavior is atrocious!)

2. The second thing you need to do is make sure your children feels FELT. When your child has big emotions, they need you to join them in those feelings. They need to know that you are attuned to what they are feeling on the inside. You join with them through the sharing of non-verbal communication!

When you realize your child is feeling sad because he wanted to play with his older brother and his older brother didn't play with him, your mind has the ability to feel that sadness and disappointment inside YOUR body. That is empathy. You can put yourself in your child's shoes. Let your mind attune to your child's facial expressions and tone of voice. Your son will know that you are feeling something of what he is feeling. He will feel joined by you and feel felt. This is REGULATION for your child and the main ingredient in SECURE ATTACHMENT. 

"Moments of joining, enable a child to feel felt. To feel that he or she exists within the mind of the parent. When children experience an attuned connection from a responsive, empathetic adult, they feel good about themselves because their emotions have been given resonance and reflection." -- Dan Siegel

Your child MOST needs emotional connection to you. 

Your child was created in the image of a triune God. A "we" and not an "I". Therefore, your child's deepest need is connection -- feeling joined -- feeling felt. 

And if you are listening to this and you feel like you do not emotionally connect with your child, START NOW. All harm can be repaired! 

Integration: means linking of separating parts is what brings healing.This brings Shalom. 

"The key to staying in connection with your child during times of discipline is to align yourself with your child's emotional state" -- Dan Siegel

Your child is throwing a fit wanting ice cream before dinner. You don't have to give them the ice cream in order to let her feel felt. You can empathize with your child's want to have ice cream without giving them the ice cream. Once you feel something of those feelings inside your own body, you might find yourself saying, "Oh! I know you want ice cream right now and that would be yummy, but you can't have any right now. Maybe later."

The magic of that statement is in the non-verbal communication. Your facial expression and your tone of voice let the child know you are feeling something of their disappointment and unmet longing.

Adam's son told his dad he didn't think his dad was noticing that he was working hard to learn to calm himself down. You can say to your child, "I am so sorry I have not noticed you when you are trying to behave correctly." They will feel loved when they hear you just say, "I am heartbroken I have not noticed you trying to calm yourself down." Notice that this story starts with Adam's failure as a parent and ends with the son feeling loved. 

Every parenting failure can become the opportunity for a parenting success if you are willing to do the work of repair. 

The second part of this two-parter will be entirely focused on how to repair!

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Favorite Farm Fotos

H-A-R-D

This healing journey is: 

H

A

R

D

I want it to be over. I want it to be done. I am so tired of the stretching and the pain and the growth that is required of me. 

Why did I have to do this? Why did it have to be me? I wish sometimes I could go back into the naivety I lived in before all of this had to be dissected and pulled apart. 

Kim describes the grief inside me like a big ball of yarn. And I'm unraveling it. And sometimes, the unraveling is not that challenging. But sometimes I come to a point that I need to really work at unraveling again. I can’t figure out which was to go to detangle the yarn. So many knots!

I'm at that spot again. 

The last week has been hard for me. I'm so angry with myself. How hard is it for me to just trust that those who love me ... love me? How can I doubt so much? How can I get so afraid? Why can't I let the people in my life do and be what they need to be without it making me feel like the discomfort might cause me to DIE. 

In the end, I make their struggles all about me. They are pulling back because they need rest or time, and my nervous system says, "Wendi this is about you. They are hurting you. You caused this. You are part of this. This is your fault."

The anxiety (pain?) is sitting in my chest. 

The truth is, however, that I know it will dissipate. In the past, I feared that pain. Thought it might never go away and that I'd have to sit in it forever. This time I am able to see that this is a moment of grief. I am having to grieve things that have hurt me in the past and the miswiring of ny brain and accept that I had learned some improper ways of dealing with things. I have to figure out ways to handle things better in the future.

I remember when I was in college, I had a former friend write me a letter and basically chew me out. My people-pleasing had clobbered me again and she called me on it. She told me she was so tired of me operating with a fear of someone being mad at me. 

She was totally right.

Only I had no idea why I did that and how to stop it from happening again.

Basically what happens in me is that I feel the people "thing" and my body goes, "This feels awful. Alert. Alert!" My brain says, "You are in danger! This could hurt really bad! Fix it! Fix it!" And then I go into overdrive to try and fix it.

I realize that in these moments, I’d rather the friend just walk away and leave me completely then me have to sit in the discomfort and fear. 

The overdrive has slowed down considerably. I know what is happening now. I can feel it. So I try to stop it. I can outsmart it. The pain isn't as intense. I've healed a lot. But I still feel it and my "bossy amy" (aka amygdalia) is still trying to alert me to the danger I fear. 

I know I am healing and getting better but this week I'm mad that I have to deal with this. It's not my fault! I would have stopped this had I understood it or known it! I don't want to live this way. I fear people being upset with me or abandoning me the way others might fear a bear in the woods. I truly feel that the fear may kill me. And I’ll do anything to stop it. 

 

But, as I remind myself often, I won't let this monster eat my daughters (or sons.) And so I am throwing myself inbetween the yuckyness and them. I would die for them. So I am feeling this pain for them. 

It's just SO exhausting. And it hurts SO bad.

But this is the "U" that I have learned so much about. I’m reminded again that this whole journey is a big U. 

The pit, the hardness, is the death on Good Friday. But I know Sunday is coming! In the meantime, I am in the Saturday. I'm not there all the time now. There's lot of happiness in things now as I feel like I'm starting to make the climb to Sunday.

But sometimes I slip down. And I have to peel back another layer of the onion. 

This is another layer. 

And it's painful.

It's: 

H

A

R

D

!

I won’t keep it all inside me. I will share it. I will allow others to grow with me. There is joy in the morning!

Tuesday Truth

It's Official

First engagement at Bauernhof Kitsteiner. (I really hope it's the first of many in this slice of heaven here in Tennessee.) 

 

Here is what watching Gabe and Maryah over the last four years has taught me: 

 

1. While this world may feel hopeless and contentious (especially around election time), there are still lots of moments of beauty. Look for them! Treasure them! Celebrate them! 

 

2. We need community. My kids need more than just John Kitsteiner and me. They need other adults who can speak into their lives. I am so thankful these kids' parents have allowed me to be a part of their lives. 

 

3. Being an intentional parent MATTERS. It may seem like you aren't making headway, but you are! (Gabe Kotynski was just a "little bit" strong-willed growing up, but he loves the Lord and now he's running his own landscaping business and renovating the farmhouse on our property for his first home with his wife!) Stay strong Dads and Moms. Raising humans is the BIGGEST and most IMPORTANT job you will EVER do. (And if you aren't a parent, you can still pour in to the lives of young people!)

 

4. First loves CAN be forever loves! It doesn't always happen, but sometimes it does. Don't discourage kids by telling them to wait until they get older. The idea that we needed to "sow our wild oats" and then "settle down" doesn't make sense to me. Why can't we change the verbiage and encourage kids to "begin their adventure together" instead of making the adventure END when they get married?!

 

5. There are still kids in the world who are trying to live and love the way the Jesus asked us to. Not every kid is hopeless and headed for problems. Your children are not hopeless even if it feels that way sometimes. Brooks Gray and Nichole Gray and Edward J Kotynski and Hannah G Kotynski have many more children still to raise, but the beautiful and lovely Maryah Gray and Gabe Kotynski are starting things off well!

 

 

The Place We Find Ourselves: Hearing from God

To listen to this episode in its entirety click here. 

 "People are meant to live in an ongoing conversation with God, speaking and being spoken to." -- Dallas Willard

Think about Enoch! God in the garden with Adam and Eve! Moses! These are examples of the normal human life God intended for us. These moments are not meant to be exceptional. They are meant to be normal! Mannnnn, haven't we all thought that those were for exceptional people only? 

But let's look at what God actually did:

1. God created words. God created ears. 

2. God created the idea of a relationship and you talk to a friend and your friend talks back and you grow in intimacy with each other.  

3. We somehow think that the God who created words, ears, and relationships, would speak to us on a regular basis. 

The whole point of the resurrection is UNION!

 "Union with God consists chiefly in a conversational relationship with God, while we are consistently and deeply engaged as his friend and co-laborer in the affairs of the kingdoms of the heavens. God has created us for intimate friendship with himself." -- Dallas Willard

We need conversation! Our memories of our earthly father isn't memories of lectures. We need conversation. We need relationship. We need connection. 

OBSTACLES IN HEARING FROM GOD INCLUDE: 

1. One of the reasons that hearing from God is so fraught for many of us, is it because when we make movement toward listening, it connects us immediately to our longing to hear from our father or to hear from our mother when we were growing up. Have you come to terms with how deeply you longed to hear one or both of your parents to speak into your heart -- good and strong words. If we let ourselves hear our longing to hear God's voice, we will feel the longing we had to hear that connection with our parent. 

2. "The problem is not that Jesus isn't speaking or even that you aren't hearing, it's that you don't believe you are hearing." We don't believe that we are hearing from God. We immediately dismiss the words as our own voice. Are you thinking that if you hear from God you will automatically know it is HIS voice? Hearing from God is something that you learn, over time, by experience. Just like anything else in life. Being uncertain doesn't mean you haven't heard. 

3. Some of us don't feel the freedom to be in his presence. If you didn't develop a secure attachment to your parents, it can be hard for you to feel securely attached to your God.

4. We are not attuned to the gentle stillness of God's voice. In 1 Kings 19, God's voice is heard. It says that God was not in the earthquake or fire but he was in the still, small voice. The translation might just as well read, a gentle whispering. Messages from God are actually supposed to subtle. 

SO WHAT DO YOU DO IF IT IS HARD TO HEAR FROM GOD? 

1. Be curious as to why that is. Give yourself grace. 

2. Take seriously Jesus' words that you are in HIM and his spirit is IN you.

3. Start small. Ask simple questions. And wait and see what wells up in your heart in the next few minutes.

4. Be patient as you learn.

I am a HUGE fan of this podcast. If what I am writing is ministering to you, I encourage you to support THE PLACE WE FIND OURSELVES. He does NOT do advertising. He simply has people support the podcast.

Memories

Five years ago. Time slow down. 

365 Days of Rest #68

Our library had a little event today. Honestly, I never pay attention to this stuff, but Erin does! So she took my girl. And Kotynski girl. I love this family. I’m going to be so sad next year when they aren’t here.

Sometimes REST means staying home and saying someone else can do something fun with your kids and you wish you could go to but you can’t and you say … that’s okay. 

I'm Just Seeing Appalachians Do What Appalachians Do

 

If you want to understand more about the flooding here and about Appalachian culture in general, please visit this link. John, and our friend Barry Bales, are featured in this piece, and I think it does a fantastic job really sharing a lot of things about this storm and the uniqueness of it.

Night of the Living Dead

Implicit Memory: The Thing That is Running Your Life

 

I am going to be taking notes on and sharing about a podcast that is simply transforming my life. It is called The Place We Find Ourselves. 

I have done this previously, but I am going to start compiling all of these similar posts. You will be able to find these posts at this link: My Blog: Mental Health. The screen shot above shows WHERE this is on my Blog. Anytime you want, you can click there and see the most recent Podcast I took notes on.

I strongly encourage you to listen to the episodes I link to. However, if you don't, my notes can help guide you. 

Also, I will try to note when a particular episode talks about something that might be hard to hear. (Sexual abuse for example.) Today's episode has NOTHING in it that should cause you discomfort and it is entitled:  Implicit Memory: The Thing That is Running Your Life

Daniel Siegel (neuroscientist) says: "The brain is an anticipation machine that shapes ongoing perception by what it automatically expects based on prior experience." The brain's job is to anticipate whatever is going to come next.

Memory is the way in which a past experience effects how the mind will function in the future. 

A memory is not a thing. There are no storage folders. There are no bins.

Implicit memory RUNS YOUR LIFE. Explicit memories are the actual events that are stored in your mind. Around 18 months of age, our body can start to store these memories. Implicit memory is operational before you come out of the womb. Here are two key takeaway notes from this episode:

1. Everything you learn in the first 18 months of life is recorded in implicit not explicit memory. You have to be paying attention to record something in explicit memory. You do not have to be paying attention for implicit memory to be stored. For example, there is a true story of a man who could not store explicit memories. But he was taught how to braid. He couldn't remember that he had learned this, but he was able to braid without realizing it because his implicit memory was fully operational. 

2. When you recall an implicit memory, you do not have a sensation that you are remembering something. So when an implicit memory pops up, it feels like the memory is happening in the present. Let's say you are walking in the park and a dog comes flying at you and you are very scared. You have no memory of being attacked by a dog when you were five. But your body remembers that attack. Implicit memory tells you how the world works and what you can expect from the world. Implicit memory is about the feel of things. 

If the only paintings you saw during your entire life were Monet and you never saw another painting, you would believe that this was what paintings looked like. You wouldn't think this is what Monet looked like. This is what happens with your understanding of relationships. Your brain summarizes all of your experiences of relating to your mother and father and instead of thinking "This is what a relationship with my MOM is like or my DAD is like", you think, "This is what relationships are like." So when we set out into the world, we carry those implicit memories with us and those memories tell us what to expect around every single corner. 

The issue is: the relationship with your parents wields a disproportionately strong influence on your implicit memories because they are the two people that have been there from the very beginning. We continue to store implicit memories throughout our life, however, experiences in adulthood have a much weaker influences on the brain. Childhood brains create the foundation of our brain because that is when the brain is growing and developing.

"What's crucial to understand about implicit memory is that implicit memory cause us to form expectations about the way the world works based on our previous experiences. Implicit memories creates something called priming in which the brain readies itself to respond in a certain way."

Do you ever feel intense emotion that you can tell that is more than the situation calls for? They seem to be overreactions or you've been told you are overreacting. But you have no sensation of recall. You are not aware that you are remembering something. In other words, it is not that you are too sensitive or you are a drama queen. You simply have a brain with a treasure-trove of implicit memories. So when you are making a mountain out of a mole hole. As far as your neurons are concerned, in your brain, it is a mountain.

The sensations in your body always tell the truth. They never lie! Pay attention to when you experience a shift in your body. That is telling you that implicit memory has just been expected. When do you find yourself shutting down or going numb or getting panicky or fearful. Situations that evoke strong emotion responses in us, make implicit memory known!

Condemnation says, "What's wrong with me? Why did I react like that?"

Curiosity says, "Wow! That was a big reaction. I wonder what implicit memory is behind that?"

Implicit memory is the reason that you have had such a hard time TELLING YOURSELF TRUTHS that don't seem to make their way into your "heart."

How do you change implicit memories then? You change it through EXPERIENCES. 

For example, if a man is riding a bicycle that operates backward (turning left makes wheel goes right and vice versa), it took a scientist three weeks to train his brain to do it backwards. Even though the man knew what he had to do, his body was so trained that it was really impossible to do without a LOT of practice.

Tuesday the 22nd = Dollywood

Some big things were going on around the farm Tuesday. We had our first farm engagement!! (Tune in to find out more!!) While that was going on, my friend Erin took the girls to Dollywood for the day. They had a blast!

365 Days of Rest #67

I continue to strive to find times of rest. I have gone too hard for too many weeks. And I need to be resting more. In Wednesday while the kids were in youth (and Isaac had theatre) I rested sitting at THE FACTORY ADVENTURE doing my Bible Study for BSF on Revelation. I’m shocked that a study in this “hard” book can reveal so much to me!