A Bit of a Bad Atttitude

I link many of my Blog posts to Facebook. People can click from Facebook to my post.

But I don't link them all.

This is one that won't be linked.

I just want to complain. And it's my Blog, so I am going to complain for a moment.

Please hear me say this. I know I have a blessed life. I have a blessed family. I have a blessed farm. My husband has a blessed job. I know all of that. But I'm just a bit weary, and I want to blow off a little steam. I consider this a safe place to do this. It's my space. If you are upset that I'm complaining, then please don't leave a comment telling me that. Just move on.

Tonight I have a bad attitude. I've lost a little bit of my positivity.

Please understand. We are having a wonderful Christmas. I've kept a good attitude out loud. But inside my heart, I'm frustrated.

The first thing that is hard for me is the fact that my husband is not home for the entirety of the Christmas holiday. I don't want to go into this too deeply, but let me just quickly say, I understand that by working in an ER, he has to work holidays. I also know that my husband has a fantastic job that he loves very much. I know he had to work holidays when he took this job. And I'm truly okay with that. But to work all the days surrounding Christmas on either side for no real good reason, I'm just frustrated by that. There's a lot that goes into that statement. But I'll just leave it at that.

During the day yesterday, Hannah cut her chin open. This was no small thing. It took most of the afternoon and meant I had to wake JB up from his during the day sleep. The weather has been horrifically rainy and muddy making farm work especially challenging. And the farm work must carry on.

And then yesterday evening I had a baddddd migraine. I get what I call vision loss migraines -- where everything goes blurry, and I can't see clearly. I can't read things, and I have to turn my head to take in a full picture of what is going on. It is like someone took a photo with a flash. And the flashing light we all know keeps on hours after the photo has been taken.

It was nearing 6pm. This is the time JB has to leave to head up to the hospital. As he is preparing to walk out the door, I was combatting severe vision loss from my migraine. These are hormonally-related so I'm dealing with female stuff on top of that. Isaac has just finished a night of throwing up. Hannah, had wet the bed two nights in a row (which is very unusual for her) and so that had me up as well.

Just as JB is walking out the door, Hannah starts throwing up. I am sitting next to her, fighting horrific head pain. Veronica is cooking dinner. I grabbed a bowl from the center of the table that held napkins, dumped them out, and just held it up as Hannah threw up all over me and the table and the chair as JB shut the door and started trying to help clean up the mess without getting mess over the scrubs that will probably get mess on them in the course of the next twelve-hour shift he is preparing to work.

"Maybe you should take a shower and change," I say to him. But then I remember I haven't washed any of his other scrub sets. He is wearing the only clean set he has.

I'm carrying Hannah to the bath, and I am asking JB if there is any way he can call in, even though I know there isn't. This is part of my frustration. They are running the ER with four docs. They need five. And they don't have any substitutes to fill in. If anything happens to the doc supposed to come in, they must scramble. And so, unless death or near-death is involved, calling in is basically outlawed. I feel I need him home. And he can't be home. And so he rushes out the door, pelting rain smacking him, to go take care of other people.

I ask him if he can close up the egg mobile since we've had to relocate it to the other end of the farm due to a barrage of hawk attacks. He can't. The throw-up needs have taken away any extra time he has. Veronica speaks up. She'll get the chickens to bed. I breathe a sigh of relief.

But I'm just frustrated. And you know how when you are frustrated with one thing, you start to feel like you are frustrated with everything? And maybe you are. But maybe you aren't. Maybe it is just the one thing but it feels like the whole thing.

Ever since we had our house flood back in August, I've tried to see the big picture. I got our house "livable" and we have made it work while we took our time in discussing the changes we wanted to make to our house. The girls have slept in our bedroom, and while the boys originally slept in the living room, we managed to get the upstairs usable so they could sleep in their room again.

We've taken our time because we wanted to do this right. We have always loved this farm. I mean we have so much space here, we have just always felt like we can make the fact that the house is cumbersome work. We have never loved this house. It is beautiful from the outside, but inside it is quirky and challenging.

But as I'm cleaning up the throw up and putting Hannah in the bath and being careful not to get her chin wet since she just got stitches a few hours earlier, I'm stepping over beds on the floor and piles of stuff and I'm just frustrated. I want my house done. I want the renovations to start. (Rumor has it we should be starting right after Christmas ... finally.) I don't want kids sleeping in my room and nails sticking out of the floors and nothing being where it goes.

... I told you. Bad attitude.

I want to tie this post up with a big bow. But I don't really have the energy to work for an ending. Let me conclude by saying I AM FINE! We are MORE than fine! Life is good.

We are just all sick. We couldn't go to communion service today. I can't let any friends come by because we are all sick. And I want my children sleeping in their own rooms.

There.

Thanks for listening.

I love my life.
I love this farm.
I love my husband.
I love my children.
I love Veronica for being here with me.
I love my dogs.
I love our animals.
I love Tennessee.
I love the USA.

I just needed to blow smoke for a few minutes.

The minutes have passed.

And now I'm off to bed.

Thank you for listening. :)