Okay, so I got this email the other day from a friend about classes being offered at the local community college for men. Now, obviously, as you read these, you will realize that these are not real classes ... there is a tremendous amount of sarcasm implied.
As I read them, I grew very thankful for the husband I have, but also had quite a few good laughs as I remembered past husband and father occurrences.
So here are the classes.
1. How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays I can't really complain about this one especially after we got a Brita. I do, however, have visions of visiting the Kit. house when we John and I were dating (before they got an ice machine -- or maybe even before ice machines existed) and never being able to find an ice cube tray that was full. Since their house is over half male, I therefore, systematically, attributed it to the male gender.
2. The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? This was an issue for JB for quite some time. However, he found a way to stop me from nagging. He decided to redo both our bathrooms and there is now no toilet paper holder in either bathroom. Can't complain when there isn't a right place for the roll now can you?
3. Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor Now this is something I tease JB about a lot. Our bed is set up in such a way that John's side borders the wall that no one can see when they walk in the room (not that we get a lot of visitors to our bedroom mind you.) However, I also don't visit that side of the room very often. However, early in our marriage, I made the mistake of scooping up ALL the clothes that were in these piles next to his bed and throwing them in the dirty clothes. Later that evening John told me I had done too much work. I didn't know that he kept SEPARATE piles based on levels of dirtiness and only the "very" dirty pile needed to be washed!
4. After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Now here is one that I really can't comment on. The dishes are my job and the cooking is his job. However, ever since Maytag's illness, I have begun to rethink our original deal. Not sure I am coming out on top anymore.
5. Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other This has really not been too much of an issue in our house for various reasons. First of all we don't watch an excessive amount of television, secondly, we like to watch a lot of the same things, and lastly, we don't have very many channels to choose from. The other major reason that this isn't an issue is that I seem to have great difficulty WORKING the remote/VCR/DVD player. Why is that?I was the technology coordinator in my first job at Franklin-Simpson High School. I could fix a printer with my eyes closed. But set the VCR to record? Not a CHANCE.
6. Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming Now a lot of people say that girls marry their fathers, but I have to say that in most areas, my dad and John are very different. My dad loves to shop. John hates it. My dad loves sports and TV, and John really isn't in to it. I could go on and on. But this is one area that the two are identical in. I mean, long lost brothers at birth! When we were kids, if the remote (called the "buttons" by my dad) was lost, the whole world would come to a hault! Dad would tell us all we had to all come into the living room immediately and that we must all look TOGETHER for the remote and keep looking until we found it. "EVERYONE GET DOWN HERE AND HELP ME FIND THE BUTTONS!" or "WHO LOST THE BUTTONS?" or "WHO HAD THE BUTTONS LAST?" were common 'discussions'. Then I married John and found the same thing happening, just not with the remote control. The moment he can't find something I find out we are going to look together. He says this is because I "hide" things. His favorite expression is, "If I were my ___ where would I be?" He fills in this blank with an item that I have recently found a new home for. I must admit that 99% of the time, the loss of his item is due to my cleaning rampage.
7. Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health I cannot even begin to complain about this category. John buys me flowers all the time. And chocolate. And cards. He's very thoughtful. But I put this comment up for all the women out there married to a Huisman-male. You know who you are. #7 is for you!
8. Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials Is there a guy who asks for directions? I have yet to meet him. I think everyone can relate to this category.
9. Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? This one absolutely cracks me up. I have given up driving when John is in the car altogether. When I drive by myself, I do fine. I have never been in an accident (unless you count the time I hit the two deer. But even the insurance company says that doesn't count because it's an act of "God"). I have only gotten one speeding ticket when I was seventeen years old. But when John is in the passenger seat, we just both get so tense. My boss, who is a cardiovascular doctor, said that one of his patients complains that the only time his heart has trouble is when he is walking up hill and when his wife is driving. So are the women bad drivers or the men just control freaks? Oh man, that's a whole 'nother discussion.
10. How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion --Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. I have realized that John is a great shopper when we have a list of something to buy. Browsing is probably number 4,623 on his list of things that he likes to do.
12. The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used Obviously this will be a class I will be attending. I'll be lonely. I'll be the only woman there. But I'll have a full stomach.
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