Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Always letting someone down

If you count hubby and dog, there are six other beings that I am supposed to be something for every single day.

And that's not counting the parents and siblings and cousins and friends I also want to be something for.

The other night I sat down on the couch
at the end of the day, exhausted even more than usual by the never ending sea of boxes that keep calling my name. (In the midst of trying to do my normal wife and mother jobs which includes homeschooling our boys, I am now trying to unpack and organize a house.)

JB asked me how I was and I responded by telling him, "You know, I think the thing is, I feel like I am always letting someone down."


I am not enough. There is not enough of me.

I've decided that the number of things I want to get accomplished each day is simply impossible. Each day, something has to give. Each day I strive to accomplish the things listed below:
  • Devotions (time with God)
  • 1 hour of exercise
  • 4 hours homeschooling
  • Spend time with husband
  • Spend quality time with each child
  • Exercise the dog
  • Nap or rest time (for me!)
  • Blog/write/read time
  • Keep up and catch up with a few family and friends via phone or computer
  • Chores: feeding, clothing, cleaning which is required each day
And each day I find that I fell short. Either I didn't get to exercise or I didn't get good quality time in with some of the kids or we didn't finish our homeschooling. I've realized that in the 16 hours I am awake each day, there is just not time to come through for everyone.

Either I've let my husband down because I was too busy to stop and ask him about his day or I let a kid down because I completely forgot she requested a waffle and left her waiting for over 30 minutes before she gave up and asked Dad (true story) or I let myself down because I didn't exercise. Or even worse, I let God down.

Now of course, none of those people would for sure tell you I let them down. JB would encourage me that I did the best I could and tomorrow is another day. If you asked the boys if Mom was there for them they'd probably squint their eyes and say, "Ummm, does this have to do with superheroes or legos because if not I don't understand the question." The dog would stretch and yawn and be perfectly content with me making up for dissing him by giving him doggy bacon snacks as I so often do. And God. Well God's mercies are new every morning.

But I still feel like I didn't do a good job.

JB asked me once if all women do is sit around and come up with things to feel guilty about. So true. Why is it that we do this to ourselves as moms and wives and friends and daughters?

The truth is, when I look at my list, I have already failed before I start each day. It is not possible for me to get the things done I have on my list. There are too many things and not enough me. I will always be letting someone down.

But I'm determined to do my best and to be my best and to be okay with being "enough." I want to strive to not feel like I am letting people down, but instead be encouraged by the things I did manage to accomplish and the lives I did manage to influence.

And because today is already a bust ... I will start trying to do this ... tomorrow.


betsy trogden said...

I feel the same way. My husband constantly tells me to give myself a break...he doesn't realize there is no time for that. I can't feel like it's ok because my family deserves the best and I will never be able to give them the best. I wish we could give ourselves a break but it's just not possible.

TAV said...

Oh man. I think it's a woman thing. I don't even have kids to care for (yet) and I'm so emotionally exhausted at the end of every day that I can't sometimes face the next day.... But I always feel guilty.

Alice said...

I feel EXACTLY the same way!!! I have four boys (9,7,2,1) and homeschool and there are just not enough hours in the day. I get you, Wendi :0) I early make time to comment, but I couldn't let this one slide :0)

Alice said...

*rarely, not early!-sorry-typing from my phone while one kid is in the tub

Heather said...

I whole heartedly agree with this too. And have no solutions other than to keep trying. We're all in this together!

Melinda said...

Well, I certainly don't have all the answers, but I will tell you that hiring a housekeeper to come every week or other week is a start! Best homeschool money I ever spent! :)

Anonymous said...

Instead of making that list of things you need to do each day, make a list of ALL THE MILLION THINGS you accomplished at the end of the day. Including every diaper changed, nose wiped, snuggle given, dish washed, sweet word for a child, sweet word for a husband, every one second prayer, and the list goes on and on! This is just a season! Give yourself lots of GRACE!

Anonymous said...

I like melinda and anonymous alot....and John! you need to believe them! Maybe make a fridge magnet that says "good enough mom" -not the best. Noone can ever meet that standard on anyday -noone -we have never been the best we can be...But we are such deeply loved children of God -really I think He wants to just walk and talk with us throughout the day as things come up, help us a step at a time-we can't have it all planned and worked out ahead...that's why i love Isaih 40 -50 ish -pictures of Him as a tender Shepherd and us as His lambs that He holds close to His heart...where we can only do so much and in our mind "fail" someone is just being a human being and really lets them find God real...we really want noone including our children to look to us for everything and find everything in us ...just some thoughts from a mom, wife,friend, many times overwhelmed missionary now looking back as a gramma and knowing much more of God's love...so some of what I say you can trust-Tante Jan PS you don't ever have to write or keep in touch with me -i know you love me -so there's one less "to do"! xo

crazystegmamaof4 said...

Girl, I totally feel this way every day of my life. But I've come to learn that I am the one setting myself up for failure every day by my "to do" list...I am forever unrealistic with myself. I stopped actually making a list in print b/c I was feeling like a flop at the end of the day, but then I was still keeping one in my head without even knowing it. I think it's part of my perfectionism...maybe part of being a woman/mom/wife? But I know you and I are wired a lot alike. I think God wants us to realize we can't be all to everyone. He is the only one that can do that. It doesn't mean we shouldn't keep striving, but we all need to realize there are not enough hours in the day to give to everyone in our lives. Just know you are not alone...and you are a great wife, mom, friend :) Hugs, Kel :)

Rebekah Storey said...

Yes Yes Yes Yes YES! Add in the weirdo, confusing health issues I've been having, feeling inadequate and like "not enough" is a constant battle! I often wish you were still here, friend. I know God has his timing and his seasons for everything, but we sure do miss having you guys in our community.