And that's not counting the parents and siblings and cousins and friends I also want to be something for.
The other night I sat down on the couch
at the end of the day, exhausted even more than usual by the never ending sea of boxes that keep calling my name. (In the midst of trying to do my normal wife and mother jobs which includes homeschooling our boys, I am now trying to unpack and organize a house.)
JB asked me how I was and I responded by telling him, "You know, I think the thing is, I feel like I am always letting someone down."
I am not enough. There is not enough of me.
I've decided that the number of things I want to get accomplished each day is simply impossible. Each day, something has to give. Each day I strive to accomplish the things listed below:
- Devotions (time with God)
- 1 hour of exercise
- 4 hours homeschooling
- Spend time with husband
- Spend quality time with each child
- Exercise the dog
- Nap or rest time (for me!)
- Blog/write/read time
- Keep up and catch up with a few family and friends via phone or computer
- Chores: feeding, clothing, cleaning which is required each day
Either I've let my husband down because I was too busy to stop and ask him about his day or I let a kid down because I completely forgot she requested a waffle and left her waiting for over 30 minutes before she gave up and asked Dad (true story) or I let myself down because I didn't exercise. Or even worse, I let God down.
Now of course, none of those people would for sure tell you I let them down. JB would encourage me that I did the best I could and tomorrow is another day. If you asked the boys if Mom was there for them they'd probably squint their eyes and say, "Ummm, does this have to do with superheroes or legos because if not I don't understand the question." The dog would stretch and yawn and be perfectly content with me making up for dissing him by giving him doggy bacon snacks as I so often do. And God. Well God's mercies are new every morning.
But I still feel like I didn't do a good job.
JB asked me once if all women do is sit around and come up with things to feel guilty about. So true. Why is it that we do this to ourselves as moms and wives and friends and daughters?
The truth is, when I look at my list, I have already failed before I start each day. It is not possible for me to get the things done I have on my list. There are too many things and not enough me. I will always be letting someone down.
But I'm determined to do my best and to be my best and to be okay with being "enough." I want to strive to not feel like I am letting people down, but instead be encouraged by the things I did manage to accomplish and the lives I did manage to influence.
And because today is already a bust ... I will start trying to do this ... tomorrow.